If I contact my H's Therapist, what happens? Good idea or not?

[Think About It...]

Just checking.
my H wont do marriage counseling but there is some information i want to pass to his T. anyone have any information on this?

[sometimesnow]

Just checking.
my H wont do marriage counseling but there is some information i want to pass to his T. anyone have any information on this?

[Marvin Martian]

That would depend on the information. I would think most therapist would avoid this unless you were in couples therapy. I could see if this information was in regard to suicidal behavior. It is the T's job to see thru misinformation H is presenting, but in the end it is your H's decisions on his therapy. I know you would like to be a help, but this is likely out of your control. I would suggest a review of your boundaries, and are they protecting you?

[shatra]

Hi
 WIth confidentiality, it would be hard for the T to even speak to you without your husband's written consent.  Unless it is related to suicidal behavior.

Take care
Shatra

[beyondbelief]

Likely T would not speak to you at all.  If they did they might decide you are the one with the issue.

Maybe things would work out but there are a lot of risks.

[CaptainM]

Just checking.
my H wont do marriage counseling but there is some information i want to pass to his T. anyone have any information on this?

What kind of information are you thinking would be helpful to his T?

I had the same drives so I understand completely where you're coming from but T is a journey between the therapist and patient - if your H wants to go in there and only tell his version of events that's his prerogative. Ultimately it helps to try to have faith in the fact that the T is a trained professional with years of experience and education in understanding all the levels of what makes your H tick and working out the most appropriate treatment.

Is it blind faith? Yes, because you don't know what happens behind closed doors. But T is meant to help them, not us (no matter how much we want it to help us as at least a by-product).

As for the practicalities of it, if his T would even speak to you (which, as others have said, is doubtful) it may very well be on the proviso that he pass anything you say along to your H in the interest of trust and transparency. Trust is key to the T and patient relationship.

[JustSaying]

What do you hope to accomplish by this?

[sometimesnow]

when he started seeing his T, he came home with the book SWOE, and assigned me as the PD person.
He then said he and his T were doing homework in the book. I found the book and instead of
looking at entire book just the section on self protection was highlighted. importantly it said
to take months off of the relationship, not be close to the person with BPD and so forth. he has
taken it literally and since that time has had virtually no communication with me whatsoever.
So, i wanted to write his T a letter stating that this is untrue and that he can call my T and review my MMPI. I am really tired of being accussed of having something I don;t have. my H is even using that as the basis of why he cant do MC. he says "i have something really bad, and it cant be helped and he wont
even try.".
its so sad its destroying every element of our family. there is no truth to it and it seemed
to have started in his Ts office.
thats why i just wanted to write a letter and ask him to call my T and review the tests results.
I am not sure but it seems visits with his T spur the H acting as "if" i have BPD and he is in
self protection mode big time.. nothing else happend around this time between us other than he
started counseling due to majore depression. he then assigned his depression on our relationship
stating i have BPD and that issue is whyhe has major depression.
i just want to clear my name. and i am tired of him acting "as if".

[JustSaying]

It would be nearly impossible for you to contact his therapist and present yourself in a way that looked healthy.

As an alternative, you might ask your own therapist for ideas. Sometimes therapists consult with each other. The reunification therapist we use is under court order to consult with X's personal T, for example.

And just thinking out loud, the author of that book is on this site at times and, I believe, started the predecessor to this site...George Washington, as it were. I wonder what she'd think of her book used as that sort of weapon and if she had any useful insights.

[goinbonkers]

Just checking.
my H wont do marriage counseling but there is some information i want to pass to his T. anyone have any information on this?

I contacted BPDw's therapist.  It actually went unexpectedly well.  YMMV though.

[CaptainM]

Just checking.
my H wont do marriage counseling but there is some information i want to pass to his T. anyone have any information on this?

I contacted BPDw's therapist.  It actually went unexpectedly well.  YMMV though.

Can you elaborate on the circumstances goinbonkers? I'm genuinely interested in situations where this has worked.

[JustSaying]

Can you elaborate on the circumstances goinbonkers?

And especially how that very first contact transpired. "Hi, I'm X's H and I'd like to talk to you about _______." "Oh, sure, come on in!"

Were you afforded confidentiality or did the T say they'd need to inform their client?

Did they charge you for the time?

[Auspicious]

I have contacted my wife's therapist(s) on various occasions, but usually regarding something like "I wanted to let you know that she is in the hospital" or "I'm really worried she is going to hurt herself" or whatever.

I did not do so, on the other hand, when she told me things like "my therapist thinks you have OCPD". I had to learn to just let stuff like that go. I reminded myself that:

1. I had no idea what, if anything, her therapist had actually said

2. I had no idea what (if there was anything) the context was, or the purpose.

3. I had no idea what she was telling her therapist, that any such idea could be based on.

4. No therapist who didn't even see me could possibly diagnose me anyway, and no ethical or competent therapist would. So it was quite likely that something was being lost in translation ...


I finally just told my wife "if your therapist has something to say to me, I'd be glad to discuss it. Sign a release so we can talk. Otherwise, I'm not really interested in hearing about it."  


In short, I can see why it bothers you, but ultimately, it's up to you to handle your hurt feelings about it. To put it in perspective.

[Auspicious]

That said, you can always pass one-way information to someone else's therapist. You can't make them read it or take it seriously, of course, but you can fax it, mail it, leave a message, whatever. It's a free country.

They will almost certainly pass it on to their client that you did so.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Not a good idea.  I tried this once and the therapist showed my email to the person getting counseling...and I was promptly labeled as "controlling" by everyone involved.  And the label was accurate.  I was indeed trying to "control" the counseling as a remote third party.  This is "triangulation" and this tells the Therapist that the person contacting is part of the problem itself.

Your impulse is meaningful, but it has arisen out of your own desire to alleviate your anxiety.  In the guise of help, it will do more harm than good.  You will have to find your own personal means of anxiety alleviation.

God bless.

[artman.1]

All,
     If this Assumption by the partner that you have BPD, whether or not it was provided by the Therapist, but was claimed to be by the partner, and is seriously causing great pain for the other Non Partner, is reason enough to explain what is going on to the Illeged damage done by that Therapist.  After all what is the worst thing that will happen?  A divorce, Separation, What?  Who cares if he reads the letter.  It could do no more harm than him thinking you have BPD, and punishing you and your children for it.  Let him explain to his Therapist why he is punishing his partner, and has diagnosed her on his own.  This has really gotten completely out of hand, and is doing others real harm.  How bad is the medical help, that ignores the harm they can do?  The behaviors of this Mentally Ill person are absolutely rediculous and there is no way to stop the damage except to separate the family because of the Unofficial diagnosis.  Any Normal person who came across the information would not use it to punish, and destroy the other partner.  That in and of itself should throw up a plethera of red flags.

Art

[goinbonkers]

Just checking.
my H wont do marriage counseling but there is some information i want to pass to his T. anyone have any information on this?

I contacted BPDw's therapist.  It actually went unexpectedly well.  YMMV though.

Can you elaborate on the circumstances goinbonkers? I'm genuinely interested in situations where this has worked.

I first mailed a letter to my BPDw's therapist.  I basically told her that my BPDw makes up lots of stuff and to be careful what may sound like the truth, may not be the exact truth.  I asked the therapist to call me when she had a free moment.  I did not expect a call at all, but she called me like five days later. 

Without going into details, she basically informed me of things she was going to teach BPDw and it all sounded terrific to me because it did not entail just pointing the finger at me only. 

I could tell that the sessions were comprised of my BPDw saying all kinds of bad things about me, and trying to get the counselor to agree that I was a jerk.  I believe the counselor was listening at first to find out what the story was, but then when she told my BPDw that was enough and wanted her to work on herself and stop focusing only on me, my BPDw promptly found a lame excuse to stop going to individual counseling.

Oh, the details of the sessions I got from my BPDw, not the counselor.  She would tell me that the counselor agreed with everything she said about me.  But how my BPDw does this, is if she is telling all her wild stories to the counselor, and the counselor sits back and listens without interrupting, my BPDw thinks that means the counselor agrees with her and that she is telling the truth.  Ugh.