I have to go but I'm terrified

[Think About It...]

I've posted several times on this board.  I've been nearly 4 years into someone who is Bipolar II, type I diabetic (mood swings with sugar issues), has PTSD and who has been diagnosed (but doesn't know it) by 2 different therapists as BPD.

We met online, had the precise romance that the article describes, and he moved in with me.  He began cheating on me almost immediately, mostly online sexual encounters (only one actual physical cheating).  There were screaming fits, violence (punched walls, broken items--always mine, not his.)  I have paid for everything for him this whole time.  In November of 2009 and twice in September and October of 2011, he had difficulty as his meds adjusted (he is medicated and very good about taking them) and physically attacked me, resulting in light choking.  

We broke up in March of last year after I found sexting on his old phone that I used in an emergency.  He talked me into coming back.  We took time apart again in august, and he wanted to come back (each time I admit that  I wanted him to.)  after the violence in October, we agreed to part in January.  My father's unexpected death in December rendered me a wreck--I adored my dad.  He had another med ajustment and said he felt like a "switch had been thrown."  He talked me into giving it another try, and for a while, things were great.  

Recently we went on a trip together, and without details basically the same old things happened--except this time I'm the one who "needs therapy."  Since his anger passes more swiftly now, I should be OK with phrases like "Shut up and do what I tell you to."  And then apologize because I'm so frightened I don't hear what he tells me to do.  I should have sex when I don't feel well, because otherwise he goes into a PTSD episode where he accuses me of keeping him helpless so I can have him around.  And I should not say "I don't want to pay for your hobbies because I've paid for everything else", I should just say "I'm worried about money" so he doesn't feel targeted.

His grandmother is very ill, and he adores her.  He's flying back to be with her when they hear from the oncologists about her chances.  Oh, and he also expected me to pay having to refund student aid because he quit school for a term, he wants about $5,000 in dental work, and he wants to start at a third school with a completely different degree.  A degree that will b e so demading he can't possibly work part time.  

The kicker came when my nephew reluctantly told me that for several months last year, he had his Facebook adjusted so that he wsn't in a relationship, and I showed up just as "in a relationship" but without his name linked.  Sure didn't ever look that way to me--so he was deliberately passing himself off as single.

I am worried because we shared some intimate things in writing and I'm a bit of a minor celebrity.  I don't mean the sort of embarassing but vanilla things, but some things that could seriously destroy my career.  My sister who has gotten out of a physically abusive relationship has a private eye friend who is trying to find out about a "domestic violence charge that got dropped".  

My world is crumbling.  I love this guy, and he was getting better.  The problem is that while HE is getting healthier--finding good meds, doing good work with a therapist--WE are still not doing well.

I have to get out.  It's killing me.  But I'm afraid of leaving.  I'm afraid of angering him, I fear he might retaliate, physically or by blackmailing me.  My gut tells me that the safest way to leave is with his ego intact.  (His PTSD btw was about getting kicked out by his GF and subsequent being hauled off to a psych ward for 3 days.)  I promised him I'd love him, and take care of him.  

I don't know what to do.  Taking anxiety meds right now because of my distress over losing my dear father, who was my protector when my mother raged drunkenly at me--and I am in the same situation.  Any thoughts or info would be appreciated.  I have turned at least one corner...I know Imust go, but how, and when, and how best to do so?

P.S. forgot to mention that he cuts himself regularly and has attempted suicide 4 times.  Once since I have known him.  I'm terrified he'll hurt himself, or me. 

[Changed4safety]

I've posted several times on this board.  I've been nearly 4 years into someone who is Bipolar II, type I diabetic (mood swings with sugar issues), has PTSD and who has been diagnosed (but doesn't know it) by 2 different therapists as BPD.

We met online, had the precise romance that the article describes, and he moved in with me.  He began cheating on me almost immediately, mostly online sexual encounters (only one actual physical cheating).  There were screaming fits, violence (punched walls, broken items--always mine, not his.)  I have paid for everything for him this whole time.  In November of 2009 and twice in September and October of 2011, he had difficulty as his meds adjusted (he is medicated and very good about taking them) and physically attacked me, resulting in light choking.  

We broke up in March of last year after I found sexting on his old phone that I used in an emergency.  He talked me into coming back.  We took time apart again in august, and he wanted to come back (each time I admit that  I wanted him to.)  after the violence in October, we agreed to part in January.  My father's unexpected death in December rendered me a wreck--I adored my dad.  He had another med ajustment and said he felt like a "switch had been thrown."  He talked me into giving it another try, and for a while, things were great.  

Recently we went on a trip together, and without details basically the same old things happened--except this time I'm the one who "needs therapy."  Since his anger passes more swiftly now, I should be OK with phrases like "Shut up and do what I tell you to."  And then apologize because I'm so frightened I don't hear what he tells me to do.  I should have sex when I don't feel well, because otherwise he goes into a PTSD episode where he accuses me of keeping him helpless so I can have him around.  And I should not say "I don't want to pay for your hobbies because I've paid for everything else", I should just say "I'm worried about money" so he doesn't feel targeted.

His grandmother is very ill, and he adores her.  He's flying back to be with her when they hear from the oncologists about her chances.  Oh, and he also expected me to pay having to refund student aid because he quit school for a term, he wants about $5,000 in dental work, and he wants to start at a third school with a completely different degree.  A degree that will b e so demading he can't possibly work part time.  

The kicker came when my nephew reluctantly told me that for several months last year, he had his Facebook adjusted so that he wsn't in a relationship, and I showed up just as "in a relationship" but without his name linked.  Sure didn't ever look that way to me--so he was deliberately passing himself off as single.

I am worried because we shared some intimate things in writing and I'm a bit of a minor celebrity.  I don't mean the sort of embarassing but vanilla things, but some things that could seriously destroy my career.  My sister who has gotten out of a physically abusive relationship has a private eye friend who is trying to find out about a "domestic violence charge that got dropped".  

My world is crumbling.  I love this guy, and he was getting better.  The problem is that while HE is getting healthier--finding good meds, doing good work with a therapist--WE are still not doing well.

I have to get out.  It's killing me.  But I'm afraid of leaving.  I'm afraid of angering him, I fear he might retaliate, physically or by blackmailing me.  My gut tells me that the safest way to leave is with his ego intact.  (His PTSD btw was about getting kicked out by his GF and subsequent being hauled off to a psych ward for 3 days.)  I promised him I'd love him, and take care of him.  

I don't know what to do.  Taking anxiety meds right now because of my distress over losing my dear father, who was my protector when my mother raged drunkenly at me--and I am in the same situation.  Any thoughts or info would be appreciated.  I have turned at least one corner...I know Imust go, but how, and when, and how best to do so?

P.S. forgot to mention that he cuts himself regularly and has attempted suicide 4 times.  Once since I have known him.  I'm terrified he'll hurt himself, or me. 

[GreenMango]

Pookses,
I'm really sorry to hear how heartbroken you are in your relationship and to hear about the loss of your father.  

I would like to say one thing here your life is very important and you deserve to be safe.  I know you've made a promise to stay with him and take care of him...but you can't do any of that if he ends up hurting or choking you to death. 

The first and most pressing thing is safety.  It's probably a good idea right now and assess this safety factor and risk of domestic violence in your home considering the facts:

PTSD
Alcohol/medications
Emotional Instability
Escalating Abuse
Unwanted Sex
High Stress Triggers

These are not a good combination.  Here is some links on domestic violence and safety:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Safety First

Please keep us posted.  We can walk you through the decision process on whether your relationship is worth it for you, but your safety is comes first.

Do you have a safety plan?  And a support network of family and friends? 

Take Care of Yourself First,
GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Changed4safety]

The violence has, without exception, always been associated with an adjustment in the medications.  It's  not happened for four months.  I am traveling to see my mother and he is being so sweet and loving.  I'm starting to waver.  But I don't think things will change.  I am working on an exit plan, I do have places I can go.  I have all the money, and the car (though he has keys), all the credit cards, there are no kids involved (just an old cat, LOL).

[GreenMango]

Nice to hear from you Pookses...Cats are like family.  I'm glad to hear about your plan.    When we are walking on eggshells it can be very difficult to come to a decision.  Our emotions change quite a bit when we are involved with a partner with BPD and it can feel like we are at the mercy of their illness.

It sounds like you are undecided on your path right now...that's totally understandable.  The undecided board has many members that are in similar shoes. It can help you figure out if the relationship is worth it while getting some tools to help deescalate things.  The leaving board focuses on healing and detaching from the relationship so member can move forward.

I think you might get better advice and response geared to your story on the Undecided Board.  Have you posted on the Undecided board with the situation?  If you would like I can request they move your post over there?

-GM

[hithere]

who is Bipolar II, type I diabetic (mood swings with sugar issues), has PTSD and who has been diagnosed (but doesn't know it) by 2 different therapists as BPD.

I don't think you mentioned it but you should be working through this with a therapist.  It sounds like this guy is seriously ill and I can't imagine anyone ever recovering from that number of serious illnesses.

Does he even work? Will he ever be able to work?

Since you are posting in the detaching section I will tell you to find a way to escape this relationship.  It is a horror story just moving on from a BPD, let alone someone as ill as you say this guy is.

As far as the blackmail goes, be sure to document any behaviour related to this (save emails, texts, record calls and conversations in person if you are threatened).

[Newton]

Pookses...this situation sounds horrible for you.  Your post shouts out FOG!...

Fear of his possible retaliation...

Obligation to stay attached to someone who has regularly subjected you to abuse...

Guilt that he may hurt himself if you leave...


Have you read the resources here on FOG?...

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I think your sentence... "I should be ok with phrases like "Shut up and do what I tell you to"...  " illustrate that this is such an unhealthy environment for you to be in without significant change...should you REALLY be ok with this?...boundaries are needed here to keep you sane and healthy...

I appreciate you are concerned about his retaliation, and potential damage to your career...the very fact that you have experienced "light choking"...(this sounds like justifying his shocking behavior to me)...means that the potential damage to you from staying is rather more serious than anything he could achieve when you were out of harms way...

Whilst you waver...working on a safe and practical exit plan would seem very sensible...you feeling "terrified" is genuine and justified...

Newton

 

[Changed4safety]

I had a stalker once and that was horrifying.  I cringe from the thought of going through it AGAIN, this time with someone who I live with.  I definitely have FOG.  When I am away, it seems so clear, but somehow he can phrase things, especially rapid-fire anger, so that somehow I'm agreeing with him.

I think I am seriously messed up.  But I KNOW that I don't want to "work on" becoming someone who's OK with being told to "shut up and do what you're told."  That's not healthy.  I've spent half of everything I've made, and it's not a lot, to indulge his whims.  He's getting better, and I see it, but WE are not.  I tried to set my boundaries--demanding that he not cheat any more, that he not hurt himself or me any more, that he not damage property, and that he not get involved in drugs or alcohol.

Now I found out that at the very least, he had been pretending I wasn't in his life on Facebook, and he has three times destroyed my property.  He won't go see our therapist together (though he is still seeing his own that I pay for.) 

I want:
To not be screamed at.
To be respected.
To be spoken kindly to.
To not have my property broken.
To not be afraid of "setting him off."
To not have to pay for EVERYTHING for him and have him get angry when I protest.

I know this isn't good for me.   But when I think of what might happen I just get sick inside.  "The devil you know..."

[GreenMango]

Pookses,

I think you touched on "The devil you know versus the devil you don't"...Maybe we can build on what Newton described as FOG.

What is the F-O-G for you?

It sounds like:
F- Fear of the unknown
O- ...
G- ...

Now is a great time to develop your support network.  You mentioned your family.  Couples counseling is not recommended for people in abusive relationships...it is dependent on both parties taking accountability for their part in the relationship.  What is recommended is both parties in a relationship working on individual therapy and later after they have gained some personal traction coming together in couples counseling if warranted.  

Have you looked into therapy for yourself to sort out your feelings while your husband is working on his?

Take care of you first-
GM

[Changed4safety]

We are not married, thank goodness.  I have been paying for him to see a therapist for 3 years and we have been seeing a couples counselor for 2.  Recently he has decided that our therapist thinks he is a "bad guy" and that "he is always the one who has to change."  So he has refused to go back with me to counseling.  We came very close to amicably separating in January, but then my father died and he had his medicines adjusted and he begged me for another chance.  Being vulnerable, I took it.

He has encouraged me to keep seeing our therapist, in hopes that she will convince me to take my share of the "blame."  I do know I am codependent.  I do know I have read up on bipolar (and unknown to him) BPD.  I have been practicing what I have learned, and yet I "always say or do the wrong thing," and as referenced above, I, according to him, "need to learn to not be afraid when he screams or throws things."

I got a call from him tonight, he was having a flashback to the bad California fires of a few years ago and asked me to have his therpist call him...for some reason he never had the numbers other than the office number.  He said "I figured you could always call him for me if he needed to be called."  :/

Fear:  Physical harm to myself.  Physical harm to himself.  Emotional harm to him (reactivating his PTSD which was around being "kicked out").  Attempts by him to ruin my reputation.

Obligation:  I told him I was safe for him.  I promised him that I would never leave him.  He has no money, and no relatives who can, honestly, support him.   He has neuropathy in his legs and so many jobs are closed to him physically.  He's afraid to get a job because he thinks he'll lose it.

Guilt:  I think those are most of the above, aren't they?

[GreenMango]

Pookses,
You described your FOG well and those are all valid concerns.  One of the my concerns with your FOG statement is there only one statement on how the FOG affects you directly:  Fear for your physical safety.  All the other were about your partner.  It is very hard to put ourself first when we are not used to putting ourself first.   

From your post I'm a little unclear of the living arrangements as of right now...You mentioned separating and reuniting.

Are you two living together? Considering his unpredictable mental state what is your safety plan specifically if he rages or becomes violent?

Couples counseling is not recommended for partners in abusive relationships or people with partners who have an untreated personality disorder because there is high likelihood for these relationships to be abusive.  CC has a tendency to revictimize abused partners in scenarios just like you mentioned:

He has encouraged me to keep seeing our therapist, in hopes that she will convince me to take my share of the "blame." 

One of the reasons the 2 years of CC had little impact may be from the other factors going on.   An abusive relationship dynamic is too dysfunctional.

Right now your husband pushing you for couples counseling sounds like it will only work towards validating his feelings and actions.  This sets you up for more abuse.  It's a great time to look into therapy for yourself individually instead of couples counseling.  It is the most loving and responsible thing you can do for yourself, him, and your relationship in that order.

Have you found a therapist for yourself yet?  If you have, have you spoken with your therapist about the situation?

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells or something on codependence?

Look forward to hearing from you,
GM

[Changed4safety]

We're not married, but as we live in a state that acknowledges commonlaw marriage I did check with a lawyer to make sure we weren't "accidentally" married.  Lawyer thinks I don't have anything to worry about.

We are living together.  In March of last year, we were going to break up and he was going to move out.  He convinced me to give it another shot.  We moved to a much smaller place (from 2,400 sf to 1,000 sf apartment...I could no longer afford to keep the house as I was spending so much money on him).  The tight quarters haven't helped.  In August, he wanted to separate.  Within three weeks he wanted to move back in again.

Generally when he rages my safety plan is to just be very calm and bring him back down.  I've never tried to leave.  Basically without contradicting him I find what is "right" in what he is saying (validation) and just let it calm down.  The meds are helping in that he calms down much faster now. 

He is actually refusing to see our counselor any more, but pushing me to go see her on my own (which confuses me...if he doesn't trust her, then why have me go see her?)  I have talked with my therapist and she rightly says I need to make the decision.  She does believe I would be better without him...so does his therapist...but the whole "the trileptal has helped so much and I realize now I want to be with you" thing in December when my dad died pulled me back in.

I feel very hopeless.  I cannot stay without traumatize me and I cannot leave without traumatizing him.  There are moments when suicide seems like an option. I feel like a coward.

[megocean]

This sounds like an emergency to me... And you are as much or more concerned about him as you are about yourself. He seems to have the ability to land on his feet, look what he has gotten you to do for him---pay for everything, including therapy for a few years, if I have that right.

It sounds like you need some distance to sort things out, as it doesn't sound like you can think very clearly and feel your options are very limited, perhaps much more limited than they are in actuality. Can you get away, at least briefly---geographically away, I mean, where you can think and plan in peace? I am pretty tolerant of people with troubles, but this guy sounds dangerous to me, and of course that doesn't mean you are not very attached in various ways and that detaching will be easy. And don't criticize yourself! You are not a coward, just a deeply distressed person. Take care!

[Changed4safety]

I am actually a thousand miles away visiting my widowed mom, and have been for a week.  He leaves today to see his ailing grandmother and will hear from her oncologist about the situation tomorrow (it's like she will need chemo.)  He will be back on April 4.  He texts me several times a day.  He seems to feel that things are great, we always do better when we're not together (it started as a long distance relationship, he seems to feel better with that.  All but one instance of cheating was online or texting.)  His mother is an alcoholic and had been telling him she was sober while caretaking for his grandmother.  When he found out she'd been drinking heavily there was a fight.  His mom texted him afterwards saying she could tell when he was getting ready to exit a relationship.  He showed me that and laughed, saying "Well, we have to break up, Mom says so."  Has also said things like 'I'm not going anywhere and I'm pretty sure you're not either." 

I should mention that I am 48 and he is 29.  I'm pretty sure I'm Mom. 

I also have a freelance project due in 2 weeks, if I miss my deadline I lose a substantial bonus, so I have to get that done.

My brother is going through a rough divorce and has basal skin cancer (Dad died of melanoma) and is going to have to have his face scarred in order to rebuild the affected nostril.  With all this, my boyfriend's grandmother's cancer, my work, my mom, my sister who was abused...it feels like too much.

[Changed4safety]

I feel like I am not living in integrity, and that knowledge is killing part of me.  I am a terrible liar and it makes me ill to do so.  I am again wavering, wondering if I set down my boundaries again if he would blast them again...how can I insist he get a job when the job market is so awful...I just feel like the easiest thing is to simply spread my doormat self out again. 

[momtario]

 Hi! Pookses. It sounds like you are under an extraordinary amount of stress right now, and I am very concerned about you.

Your partner's behaviour is terrible, and I would strongly recommend doing something relaxing while you have this chance to be away from his abuse for a bit, while staying with your mom.

If he is encouraging you to continue seeing your therapist without him, do so. Many members here find having their own therapist to be extremely helpful when dealing with the stress brought about by these relationships.

   Keep posting, Pookses, and take care 

I hope things calm down for you soon.

[Changed4safety]

Thank you all, I truly appreciate the time and thoughtfulness of the replies. 

I went back over the staying board tips and I realized...I'm so tired of putting forth the effort.  I went to my father's grave today with my mom, I miss him so much.  I am so stressed from everything.  I have decided to sink some money into an exercise/eating right/mental transformation retreat and 12 week followup program.  My life feels so screwed up, at least maybe I can make sure my body is OK. 

I wish it weren't happening now, I'm still scared and hung up on the "hows" of doing it.  But I know that if I didn't have this relationship, I'd have twice the money I have now and none of the stress.  He would even yell at me when I asked him to pick up clothes he hadn't put away for three months. 

I want to just run away into the night, you know?  Get in the car, start driving and never look back.  I was raised to be kind and compassionate, and also, sadly, got the unspoken message from my mother that I wasn't really deserving of a man's attention.  I feel like a train wreck of a person, and I know I won't ever, ever be truly happy in this relationship.  :/

[GreenMango]

Pookses,

So glad to hear about you taking a "time out" for yourself.  You have a lot on your plate right now.  I've had that run-away moment too  ...especially when I was dealing with family, work, and a difficult relationship.  It can be totally overwhelming.

There's nothing saying you have to come to a decision on your relationship now.  I don't know about you but when I have a lot going on and I need to make an important decision if I'm impulsive it tends to not go so well.

The retreat sounds like a great thing and really interesting.  What do you get to do there?

Hang in there and be nice to yourself 
-GM

[Changed4safety]

I DO feel like I have to make a decision.  I think I've made it, but I don't know the right way to tell him.  And so until I do tell him, I'm going to be lying.  I had a panic attack on the way home from the airport.  He is with his grandmother now, still don't know how she's doing.  He wants to talk tonight, says he's had "insights" and so on.  This always happens, and it never sticks.  One thing I know he wants to do is not have to work while he switches majors and schools a THIRD time, for the three years he is going to school.  He doesn't even want to do part time work. 

I refuse to do this.  I've not told him, too afraid.  Fear is the constant in this relationship, and I'm so very very sick of feeling afraid and hypocritical...

He will get upset and scream and yell and say he's trying to get his life together and why am I turning on him--I could practically write the scripts. It will of course be me ruining his life, because if he's not in school then his student loans come due etc. etc. 

He also swore he wasn't cheating (again!) and lo and behold, I've learned that he had two different views of his FB page...one where "Z is in a relationship with Pookses" and mine said "Pookses is in an relationship with Z" and one tailored so that others saw "Pookses is in a relationship" and nothing at all about Z being in a relationship.  This was that way for at least three months.  Proof positive of cheating?  No.  Proof that he was deceiving me?  You bet.

I also realize that he was privy to information about my work that is secret--the companies I work with trusted him.  One had him sign an NDA, thank goodness.  He could blab proprietary information.

I feel like a hostage.  I am going to go to yoga, which helps me calm down.  Because of travel I got no work done, and I've gotten myself all keyed up now.

Please--keep posting.   It helps me feel less alone.  Thank you.

[Changed4safety]

I don't think I mentioned this but my visit home was totally fraught with family dynamic stress.  My mom and my sister were at each other's throats and each was coming to me with her story.  It was awful. 

[GreenMango]

Pookses,

It's really good to hear from you...we'll keep posting as long as you keep posting.  It sounds like you definately have a lot of things going on...it doesn't sound like being around family right now is helping.  

If you take a look at the right hand column there is a Choosing a Path Guide.

It sounds like you are at Step 1/2 in the process.  Step 1 includes tools for effective communication.  There are ways to communicate those hot topics with your boyfriend.  We can walk you through one of those methods if you'd like.

Have you checked those out?

GM

[Changed4safety]

Well...big changes.  Wednesday night he did call.  I tried to keep things impersonal but he could tell I was being dodgy I guess.  He said that things felt more "concrete" than ever before between us, and so on and so forth and kept pressuring me to reassure him that he was right.  I managed to say things like "We have a lot to work on" and was told that he cannot control his bipolar, it is a disease as much as his diabetes.  I said I understood that.  He also said there are "always going to be things I can't control, just as I can't always control having low blood sugar."  I said, "There are things I can't control either."  He asked frantically if I was going to be there when he got home.  I said yes, and told him I loved him (which I do.) 

I felt terrible. I had completely misrepresented how I felt, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet, not without talking to my counselor.  The guilt was terrible.   Later he texted me, "This person loves you so much he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and no matter what happens, hopes you remember that."  I felt I couldn't honestly reply to it.  I was shaking and he sent another one later, asking "Did you get the text I sent?"  I didn't reply.  The next morning he asked again, I said I took a xanax and fell asleep with the phone in another room.  I felt AWFUL.  I feel like for so long I've just been living a lie, and that was something that my father would be so sad to know about me. 

At therapists office we went back and forth, and decided to disengage one step at a time.  That it was good that he was far away.  I decided I would send him an email, basically saying that I had been doing a lot of thinking, about what he said that I needed to just learn to not be afraid when he screams and gets violent, and that I had been "unreliable."  (I have been "unreliable" because in addition to paying all the bills and working crazy deadlines, I do EVERY household chore except for cooking, take care of all the bills, and do most of the errands.  He says he doesn't even want to check the calendar more than a week ahead and expects me to notify him of things he needs to know.)  I agreed, pointed out my grief over my father and my work, and said I had no idea when I would be "reliable" again. 

Here is some of what I wrote:  "I have been doing a lot of thinking about many things over this last week.  Working on myself and what my issues are and also thinking particularly about last night and our other conversation with  Dr. X.  It is extremely important to me that you know where I am in this process.

Last night we talked about the fact that you have a disease--something as physical as your diabetes.  I know you are doing much to deal with it...I think you have a good combo going with your current meds and I know (his therapist) has been an amazing help to you. we also spoke about how there are some things, though, that you cannot control, and in the interest of being fully open and  as two people who are contemplating a deep union absolutely have to be with each other, I have realized that there are things that I cannot control either and it is this concern you were picking up on.

You said that I need to learn not to be afraid when you have an episode with anger in it.  I cannot do this.  It is a protective response that is ingrained in me. 

I need to feel safe. And I have realized that for me that means no destruction of property for one thing, which we already discussed.  Since that time it has happened three times.  There has been no physical harm recently to either of us, which is good. But I've also realized that the yelling and hard words are also something I am unable to handle. 

You mentioned also that you felt I was not reliable. I thought hard about that and you are right. At this time I am unreliable, and I have no idea when that will change.  I am still deep in mourning my father and this trip really made that terribly clear. I have so much more grief work to do.

So here we are...Two people who love each other with key things that are not likely to change.  Some things that maybe we cannot change.  I am finding that it has been awful trying to figure this out without sharing it with you, so here it is.  I feel right now that the best thing for me is to have some time to simply be quiet and think without hearing from you.  I would ask you to do the same---think very hard, asking God for clarity as I am doing, about what aspects of your illness you can control, manage or modify and which you cannot.  We can talk in a few days about where we are and what we think. 

I love you very much, and that is not going to change." 

He texted back that he wasn't angry, and that he understood and would respect my decision (I was with friends as I did this, who care about both of us...it saved me!)  Then the texts came, and phone calls, and finally he said "If you care about my well being and safety we need to talk."  So we talked--that went somewhat OK.  I reassured him I wasn't leaving (I don't know yet if that's another lie) and that I needed the time away.  He said he felt that the email was a cheap shot and he had the rug pulled out from under him, and was hurt and afraid.  We ended it OK.

Another call comes around midnight.  He is sobbing, has taken two Respiradone, apologized but said there is no one else he can talk to, that I was everything to him, that he hated who he was and what he had done, and that he was trying every day to change and be a better person for me and that without me there was no reason to try to better himself.  He said that the thing he was most afraid of in the world was losing me.  It was awful.  I hate this.  This always happens.  I can't tell you all how many times he has called in the middle of the night when we're away from each other.  He said he wanted a chance to really talk, that he wanted to improve, that he was willing to make the commitment and felt that I hadn't honored the promise we had made to be partners.  He pressed me to talk to HIS therapist about my issues.  He says he wants to do it right.  He wanted to be able to text me, to "reach out and have me be there," and to talk to me Saturday.  I at least stood my ground and said I would let him know when I wanted to talk, and that I understood his need with the texts, but I would deal with them as I felt appropriate.  He agreed to both things.

I felt like I'd backed completely down, but my therapist said I held my ground on some things, and that by giving me permission to talk to his therapist, he had enabled me to make a softer landing for him, to get his therapist to know really what was going on.

What's bothering me tonight is the stupid Facebook thing.  Because even if it wasn't cheating--it was lying to me, deceiving me, and passing himself off as unattached.  What does that say about how he thinks of me?  How disrespectful IS that?  And he has done this again and again, claiming sometimes to "not remember" the online cheating, other times having no answer to the question of "why did you do this?" (sexting a la Weiner complete with pics" and he just says "I don't know."

What does this say about how I think about myself?  I think that I'm a person whom it's OK to treat without concern or care, who doesn't have enough respect to say "I'm leaving, you're not doing this to me again." 

A lot to be pondering...

[Changed4safety]

Another call in the wee hours of the morning.  This time he had a nightmare about going into the hospital and I was yelling at him.  He said the people there gave him a cross on a chain and told him they were going to take his memories away.  Now, that's a pretty awful nightmare, and he has PTSD around the mental hospital.  He has since reneged about his offer to go in, making it my decision instead of his ("I'll check myself in if you want me to, I'm terrified, but if it's the only way to prove to you I'm sincere...") 

My project is due in two weeks, I'm hugely behind, and after I have specifically asked for silence I get two late night calls in a row.  He sees me slipping away and can't handle it.  But I can't handle living with this any more. 

[Changed4safety]

Have left messages with my therapist and his.  Asked the friends who helped me during the phone call if I could leave an emergency bag at their place in case I have to leave fast.  I am enclosing a few change of clothes, enough medications to last a few days, a list of phone numbers in case I don't have my cell phone with me, some cash, a credit card and a checkbook.  Most of my bills I can pay online.  I'm going to get a copy of the mail key and house key made and leave those with my friends too. 

I hope I'll have a chance to take my laptop, but I have my most important work files on Dropbox so I can access them if I have to leave that behind.  I have an elderly cat, but the one thing I have never seen this man do is display cruelty to animals. 

This week I'm going to get copies of the title and registration of the bike I own but bought for him. 

I'm also thinking of leaving my important papers with my friends--I can always access them if I need them.  I don't know if my BF even knows where those files are.  Any other suggestions?  No children fortunately, and I have the only access to all the bank accounts.  I'm going in today and changing all my passwords. 

I didn't want it to have to end this way.  I'm still hoping for a miracle.  My heart is racing, I'm so scared. 

[GreenMango]

Hi Pookses,

BPD makes him hypersensitive to abandonment and lack of object constancy may explain a little of the erratic phone calls and his fb account.  

You have a lot going on...the job seems the most pressing.  Have you tried using SET on him to communicate your need to have time to finish your work?

SET won't always stop him.  It requires you have strong boundaries and outlast his extinction burst.

GM

Ps you were typing while I was  .  Sounds like you have a plan that's a good thing.  Maybe if you start a separate thread asking what to do and get in an exit plan will generate specific responses.

[Changed4safety]

I did start a separate thread...it feels sad but good to know that I can pretty much bolt at a moment's notice if I have to and I've got a place to land.  Also checked out how to exit the apartment from each window and am glad there is a fire department pretty much just across the street. 

He was better yesterday, asked to talk today, I told him (kindly, I have always spoken kindly to him through this) that I would have to see how I felt about that.  He agreed, pleasantly.  I had a dream in which I told him I wasn't going to do...something, like wash his clothes and put them away (something I am going to do btw) and he got very upset and sulky, but I held my ground.  I like that dream!

[Changed4safety]

His worry and need escalated.  Although we had tried to be more "casual" in texting he texed me every two hours.  Had a PTSD moment triggered by a commercial, and I helped him work through that.  I am extremely concerned that I won't make my deadline for a current project (due in two weeks) and will thus lose $5,000.  He sent the most beautiful text about how much he missed me when we were apart, how he didn't know what happened when we got back together, but how he wanted to live in that good space and treat me well, that was his new goal.  I really started wavering. 

I've been breaking down every day and last night. missing my father HORRIBLY, I was texting him that I really needed a day of silence because everything was too much.  In mid type I got a text that he was having a bad night with bipolar/PTSD and really needed to talk to me tonight.  I toldhim I just couldn't.  He sent back another heartbreaking text that "We should be able to rely on one another and I hate it that we can't," and that it was his fault, and there was so much to say and that he didn't want to be a burden on me, and was sorry he had been.  And that he loved me.  I told him I loved him too and got back "I'm sorry."

I texted a couple of friends to kind of check in on him--if I couldn't support him, I wanted him to have support.  He texted back that that was wrong of me to do--not angry, but hurt and upset that we couldn't talk.  Finally he said "please just let me know if you want me and want to try to make this work or if I should stay out here, the back and forth is killing me."  Right then his therapist returned my call.  By this point I had taken my antidepressant and two xanaxes and was in hysterics.  Therapist said to tell BF that now was not the time for this conversation and that I would have "clear communication" tomorrow.   BF made me promise, and I did.  He said, "Thank you.  I can't take this much longer."

A few moments later he said, "I have to talk to you. One question, please, I need to hear your voice when I answer it."

I agreed to talk, and he said, "I have been thinking about all the terrible things I've done in my life, and I need to know...am I a bad person?  Am I evil?"  He was sobbing and sounded so alone and sad.  Instantly and from my heart I said, "Oh, no, honey, you are not a bad person.  You are not evil.  Bad people enjoy hurting others and tormenting them, and I know that you don't."  It's true.  When he does cruel things or lashes out, he is sick with remorse or else has to justify in order to avoid hating himself.  I was glad he called, and glad to be able to answer so truly and freely.  He has several illnesses, and has not yet learned to control what behavior he can control.  And I am not the person to help him with that.  That's all.

Haven't heard from therapist today, but I have to talk to him to know how to best do this.  Part of me wants to believe that this time it can work--but I've got nothing left to give.  He insists the Ativan was responsible for the explosions before, and now that's gone, and the explosion on our getaway was PTSD and neither of us could have forseen it.  But the whole FB thing just shows how little he respects me and the relationship--even if he's changed his mind since then.  And the incident in the car where I had to "shut up and do what I was told" and then forced to apologize for "not doing as I was told"...that had nothing to do with the Atavan or PTSD.  It was just him.  We'd been having a great time up until that point.

I know that even if he can do the things I want, I still will have to live with an unexpected incident out of the blue that could rock me to my core.  I still have to live with the fact that he is a diabetic with no insurance, and as a freelancer my insurance is crap.  He's done nothing to prove that he can stick with a career...I love him, still, so much, but I am about to break.  My future, even under the best circumstances, will likely be me supporting him all his life...with the age difference we will be getting "older" about the same time with the diabetes. 

I have to do this.   For him and me.  He will always see himself as a victim and reliant upon me, that that's unhealthy for him.  I would appreciate all thoughts and prayers.  It is my hope that I can help him land well, safely, and peacefully.  I'm willing to help that in any way I can.  I even want to stay friends if possible.  I don't mind an occasional night of empathetic listening.  But I can't be his answer for everything. 

Thank you all.

[Newton]

Pookses...I am so glad you have friends to turn to now things are so dynamic and unpredictable...Remember...If you judge him by his ACTIONS rather than his WORDS you will get much closer to the clarity of thought you need right now...

Look after yourself...best wishes...newt

[Changed4safety]

Well, the saga continues.  He arrived back home yesterday and, well...he's actually walking the walk.  He said upfront without being prompted that he and his therapist spoke, and that what happened was he felt ambushed by me and panicked, and his pushing for me to make a decision was "wrong, and I shouldn't have done it."  Marianne Williamson's Return to Love, based on A Course in Miracles, came into my hands a little while ago (I've had it for years, but happened to pick it to bring on my trip home.)  The essential message as that we act with love or fear in any given situation.  We both agreed to act with love -whatever is decided.-

He readily agreed to go see a couples counselor suggested by his therapist and man--this guy's good!  Cut right through some things to say things like "there may be a reason for the violent incidents--incorrect medications, a triggering time of year--but the number one priority is that everyone needs to feel safe.  And whatever the reason, the violence is never OK."  When asked how BF would make sure it never happened again and how he could safeguard me, he said, "Next time I change meds, before I even do so I'll do so as an in-treatment patient."  *blink*  Smart.  A lot of other good things came out. 

Newton mentioned actions--BF was prepping dinner and asked me to respond to a friend of his on IM.  This from the guy who was paranoid about me even seeing what was on his computer.  Today while driving, he asked me to hook up something so he could listen to his music--told me how to do it clearly and without irritation when I got confused.  This is the sort of thing that makes me blow up.  He even listened when I said some VERY hard things today that I'd never said.

So...now I'm all confused, LOL!

[Newton]

I am glad to hear that things have improved...

It's ok to be confused/apprehensive when we see change...

Real and genuine change lasts ...try to keep that in mind.

[Changed4safety]

A friend warned me about getting sucked back in...I told him BF's never been able to stay with the "changes" for more than two weeks, so...

I also am not sure I feel the same way any more.  Some of the roughest incidents...I don't know if I can get past them.  I may understand that, for instance, he was having a bad time with the medication combination when he texted me freaking about a late delivery of his medications when I was a thousand miles away with my dying father and he kept typing FIX IT FIX IT...or four days after my dad's death when he had a major psychotic episode and kept calling me saying how terrible I was. 

Or when we gave it "one last try" in January and he blew up at me...

I may just be done, regardless of whatever he is capable of doing.  Sometimes you reach that point and what might have worked even a month earlier is just too late.

[Auspicious]

I want:
To not be screamed at.
To be respected.
To be spoken kindly to.
To not have my property broken.
To not be afraid of "setting him off."
To not have to pay for EVERYTHING for him and have him get angry when I protest.

Since real boundaries are "rules" for  you, not him, try rewriting these.

E.g.
I want: To not be screamed at.

I will not stay in the room with someone who is screaming at me.

But don't tell him that - tell yourself that, and DO it.


Try rewriting the others similarly?

[Changed4safety]

I like the idea about rewriting the "boundaries."  It's hard to find the phrasing though.

Well, after a great time with friends the other night, bam off it goes again. He was cold and wanted to get home.  I said I was driving to the DMV first thing in the morning and we didn't have enough gas, couldn't we just swing by tonight?  But he was cold and didn't want to stand out pumping gas (FWIW I am almost always the one getting out to pump the gas.)

Me:  Stay inside and keep warm, honey.  I'll get out and do it, it's fine.

Him:  I mean, I'm really cold, and standing out there wouldn't be a lot of fun.

Me: It's fine.

Him:  ...It's fine that I stand out there and get cold?  Is that what you're saying?

Me: No, I meant, *flustered*  I would never say that, you know that.

Him:  I don't know that, that's why I'm asking for clarification!

More resentful comments, I offer to just wait and do it later, he says, "No, no, we'll do it tonight, or else I'll never hear the end of it."  (Do I need to say that I'm too AFRAID to bring up his past failures, and this "never hear the end of it" came out of nowhere?)  We finally pull up to a more expensive gas station on the way, he says to put a few gallons in and he'll get the rest tomorrow when he's out.  I am of course shaking and fearful now, so it takes me a while to figure out how to work this particular pump.  He starts yelling at me.  I pump the gas.  We sit in silence on the way back.

When we get back, he says, "You should get out.  All my anger is focused on you right now and that's not good."

I say, "Okay, thank you for seeing that.  Just text me when you're ready to come back."

"If I DO come back." 

He drives off.  I feed the cat and my nerves make it necessary to hit the bathroom before I finish putting the cat food away (he hates the smell.)  By the time I'm out of the bathroom he's back, in the kitchen.  I go into my office to stay out of his way.  He storms in and yells at me for not putting the cat food away, when I KNOW how much the smell affects him.  I know better than to try to explain, or, in his words, "give him excuses."

Then we went into the depression phase, sobbing.  He is sorry we ever met, he hates his life, there is nothing positive, he will always be governed by this disease (bipolar, he doesn't know he's BPD).  He is angry at me because "I can't externalize...I can't yell at you because it frightens you, I can't hit anything because it scares you, and if you go away and come back heaven forbid a single thing is out of place because you'll give me that look that says 'what have you done now.'"

He took two Respiridone and calmed down after about an hour.  We watched some TV and went to bed, he apologized.

This is what he is like on his best behavior.  This is my reality---even if things are good, if he does get a job and take responsibility for things around the house, doesn't use abusive language or break things...at any moment, incidents like this could happen.

[GreenMango]

Sounds like you are walking on eggshells and pulled in conversations where you end up using JADE and it feeds the dysfuction.  Where and when to use validation and where and when to not JADE are going to be very important if you want to stay.

Justify
Argue
Defend
Explain

Is there a way to put a boundary for yourself and what you will do when conversations like this come up?


GM

[Changed4safety]

This was a GOOD episode.  I kept my mouth shut and just kept trying to verify once I realized how deep it was spiraling. 

I'm just so tired of dealing with this.  I see no pros to staying other than not hurting him.  He keeps coming up with ways to spend my money, to not get a job, to avoid doing any kind of housework, to guilt me into doing it--he leads a life of play.  And I lead a life of work.  And I'm tired of it, and the lack of respect that represents.  :/

[Auspicious]

This was a GOOD episode.  I kept my mouth shut and just kept trying to verify once I realized how deep it was spiraling. 

I'm just so tired of dealing with this.  I see no pros to staying other than not hurting him.  He keeps coming up with ways to spend my money, to not get a job, to avoid doing any kind of housework, to guilt me into doing it--he leads a life of play.  And I lead a life of work.  And I'm tired of it, and the lack of respect that represents.  :/

Well, it's a choice to live like that. I mean for you.

Why do you think you've chosen to live this way?

[Changed4safety]

Classic FOG. 

Fearful of "ruining his life" if I left him (he's become completely dependent on me.)...though that might be "obligation."   Fear for his safety (he's attempted suicide 4 times in his life, once when we were separated, and has cut himself repeatedly.)  Fear of (further) damage to my personal property.  Fear of blackmail.  Fearful of his anger and blame (he can use words viciously) and fearful that he will turn those words on himself (he cannot separate bad deeds from bad self).

I feel like since he moved out to be with me, and since I made him promises, I "owe" him.  (Although one would think four years of supporting someone else to the tune of $70K while he cheated on me and lied to me until recently would balance out any score.)  He has high medical expenses, and I've been paying them.  Who will do that when I'm not around?  His family can't afford to take care of him.  If he doesn't continue going to school his loans will come due.  The odds of him getting a part time job with peripheral neuropathy in his legs and his emotional issues in this economy are very low.  There's a lot he can't do. 

Now, after so long of not being "ready," he feels "ready" to make a commitment.   And I'm tired of the merry-go-round.  I'm still badly damaged by the loss of my dad, I'm in a very stressful field, and right now I feel my energy, what there is of it, needs to go to healing myself. 

I feel like he is my 15 year old son, not my lover.  I'm just full of resentment from years of mistreatment and no longer have the resources to handle this.