I have to go but I'm terrified

[Think About It...]

I've posted several times on this board.  I've been nearly 4 years into someone who is Bipolar II, type I diabetic (mood swings with sugar issues), has PTSD and who has been diagnosed (but doesn't know it) by 2 different therapists as BPD.

We met online, had the precise romance that the article describes, and he moved in with me.  He began cheating on me almost immediately, mostly online sexual encounters (only one actual physical cheating).  There were screaming fits, violence (punched walls, broken items--always mine, not his.)  I have paid for everything for him this whole time.  In November of 2009 and twice in September and October of 2011, he had difficulty as his meds adjusted (he is medicated and very good about taking them) and physically attacked me, resulting in light choking.  

We broke up in March of last year after I found sexting on his old phone that I used in an emergency.  He talked me into coming back.  We took time apart again in august, and he wanted to come back (each time I admit that  I wanted him to.)  after the violence in October, we agreed to part in January.  My father's unexpected death in December rendered me a wreck--I adored my dad.  He had another med ajustment and said he felt like a "switch had been thrown."  He talked me into giving it another try, and for a while, things were great.  

Recently we went on a trip together, and without details basically the same old things happened--except this time I'm the one who "needs therapy."  Since his anger passes more swiftly now, I should be OK with phrases like "Shut up and do what I tell you to."  And then apologize because I'm so frightened I don't hear what he tells me to do.  I should have sex when I don't feel well, because otherwise he goes into a PTSD episode where he accuses me of keeping him helpless so I can have him around.  And I should not say "I don't want to pay for your hobbies because I've paid for everything else", I should just say "I'm worried about money" so he doesn't feel targeted.

His grandmother is very ill, and he adores her.  He's flying back to be with her when they hear from the oncologists about her chances.  Oh, and he also expected me to pay having to refund student aid because he quit school for a term, he wants about $5,000 in dental work, and he wants to start at a third school with a completely different degree.  A degree that will b e so demading he can't possibly work part time.  

The kicker came when my nephew reluctantly told me that for several months last year, he had his Facebook adjusted so that he wsn't in a relationship, and I showed up just as "in a relationship" but without his name linked.  Sure didn't ever look that way to me--so he was deliberately passing himself off as single.

I am worried because we shared some intimate things in writing and I'm a bit of a minor celebrity.  I don't mean the sort of embarassing but vanilla things, but some things that could seriously destroy my career.  My sister who has gotten out of a physically abusive relationship has a private eye friend who is trying to find out about a "domestic violence charge that got dropped".  

My world is crumbling.  I love this guy, and he was getting better.  The problem is that while HE is getting healthier--finding good meds, doing good work with a therapist--WE are still not doing well.

I have to get out.  It's killing me.  But I'm afraid of leaving.  I'm afraid of angering him, I fear he might retaliate, physically or by blackmailing me.  My gut tells me that the safest way to leave is with his ego intact.  (His PTSD btw was about getting kicked out by his GF and subsequent being hauled off to a psych ward for 3 days.)  I promised him I'd love him, and take care of him.  

I don't know what to do.  Taking anxiety meds right now because of my distress over losing my dear father, who was my protector when my mother raged drunkenly at me--and I am in the same situation.  Any thoughts or info would be appreciated.  I have turned at least one corner...I know Imust go, but how, and when, and how best to do so?

P.S. forgot to mention that he cuts himself regularly and has attempted suicide 4 times.  Once since I have known him.  I'm terrified he'll hurt himself, or me. 

[Changed4safety]

I've posted several times on this board.  I've been nearly 4 years into someone who is Bipolar II, type I diabetic (mood swings with sugar issues), has PTSD and who has been diagnosed (but doesn't know it) by 2 different therapists as BPD.

We met online, had the precise romance that the article describes, and he moved in with me.  He began cheating on me almost immediately, mostly online sexual encounters (only one actual physical cheating).  There were screaming fits, violence (punched walls, broken items--always mine, not his.)  I have paid for everything for him this whole time.  In November of 2009 and twice in September and October of 2011, he had difficulty as his meds adjusted (he is medicated and very good about taking them) and physically attacked me, resulting in light choking.  

We broke up in March of last year after I found sexting on his old phone that I used in an emergency.  He talked me into coming back.  We took time apart again in august, and he wanted to come back (each time I admit that  I wanted him to.)  after the violence in October, we agreed to part in January.  My father's unexpected death in December rendered me a wreck--I adored my dad.  He had another med ajustment and said he felt like a "switch had been thrown."  He talked me into giving it another try, and for a while, things were great.  

Recently we went on a trip together, and without details basically the same old things happened--except this time I'm the one who "needs therapy."  Since his anger passes more swiftly now, I should be OK with phrases like "Shut up and do what I tell you to."  And then apologize because I'm so frightened I don't hear what he tells me to do.  I should have sex when I don't feel well, because otherwise he goes into a PTSD episode where he accuses me of keeping him helpless so I can have him around.  And I should not say "I don't want to pay for your hobbies because I've paid for everything else", I should just say "I'm worried about money" so he doesn't feel targeted.

His grandmother is very ill, and he adores her.  He's flying back to be with her when they hear from the oncologists about her chances.  Oh, and he also expected me to pay having to refund student aid because he quit school for a term, he wants about $5,000 in dental work, and he wants to start at a third school with a completely different degree.  A degree that will b e so demading he can't possibly work part time.  

The kicker came when my nephew reluctantly told me that for several months last year, he had his Facebook adjusted so that he wsn't in a relationship, and I showed up just as "in a relationship" but without his name linked.  Sure didn't ever look that way to me--so he was deliberately passing himself off as single.

I am worried because we shared some intimate things in writing and I'm a bit of a minor celebrity.  I don't mean the sort of embarassing but vanilla things, but some things that could seriously destroy my career.  My sister who has gotten out of a physically abusive relationship has a private eye friend who is trying to find out about a "domestic violence charge that got dropped".  

My world is crumbling.  I love this guy, and he was getting better.  The problem is that while HE is getting healthier--finding good meds, doing good work with a therapist--WE are still not doing well.

I have to get out.  It's killing me.  But I'm afraid of leaving.  I'm afraid of angering him, I fear he might retaliate, physically or by blackmailing me.  My gut tells me that the safest way to leave is with his ego intact.  (His PTSD btw was about getting kicked out by his GF and subsequent being hauled off to a psych ward for 3 days.)  I promised him I'd love him, and take care of him.  

I don't know what to do.  Taking anxiety meds right now because of my distress over losing my dear father, who was my protector when my mother raged drunkenly at me--and I am in the same situation.  Any thoughts or info would be appreciated.  I have turned at least one corner...I know Imust go, but how, and when, and how best to do so?

P.S. forgot to mention that he cuts himself regularly and has attempted suicide 4 times.  Once since I have known him.  I'm terrified he'll hurt himself, or me. 

[GreenMango]

Pookses,
I'm really sorry to hear how heartbroken you are in your relationship and to hear about the loss of your father.  

I would like to say one thing here your life is very important and you deserve to be safe.  I know you've made a promise to stay with him and take care of him...but you can't do any of that if he ends up hurting or choking you to death. 

The first and most pressing thing is safety.  It's probably a good idea right now and assess this safety factor and risk of domestic violence in your home considering the facts:

PTSD
Alcohol/medications
Emotional Instability
Escalating Abuse
Unwanted Sex
High Stress Triggers

These are not a good combination.  Here is some links on domestic violence and safety:

TOOLS: Domestic Violence Against Women

Safety First

Please keep us posted.  We can walk you through the decision process on whether your relationship is worth it for you, but your safety is comes first.

Do you have a safety plan?  And a support network of family and friends? 

Take Care of Yourself First,
GM

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Changed4safety]

The violence has, without exception, always been associated with an adjustment in the medications.  It's  not happened for four months.  I am traveling to see my mother and he is being so sweet and loving.  I'm starting to waver.  But I don't think things will change.  I am working on an exit plan, I do have places I can go.  I have all the money, and the car (though he has keys), all the credit cards, there are no kids involved (just an old cat, LOL).

[GreenMango]

Nice to hear from you Pookses...Cats are like family.  I'm glad to hear about your plan.    When we are walking on eggshells it can be very difficult to come to a decision.  Our emotions change quite a bit when we are involved with a partner with BPD and it can feel like we are at the mercy of their illness.

It sounds like you are undecided on your path right now...that's totally understandable.  The undecided board has many members that are in similar shoes. It can help you figure out if the relationship is worth it while getting some tools to help deescalate things.  The leaving board focuses on healing and detaching from the relationship so member can move forward.

I think you might get better advice and response geared to your story on the Undecided Board.  Have you posted on the Undecided board with the situation?  If you would like I can request they move your post over there?

-GM

[hithere]

who is Bipolar II, type I diabetic (mood swings with sugar issues), has PTSD and who has been diagnosed (but doesn't know it) by 2 different therapists as BPD.

I don't think you mentioned it but you should be working through this with a therapist.  It sounds like this guy is seriously ill and I can't imagine anyone ever recovering from that number of serious illnesses.

Does he even work? Will he ever be able to work?

Since you are posting in the detaching section I will tell you to find a way to escape this relationship.  It is a horror story just moving on from a BPD, let alone someone as ill as you say this guy is.

As far as the blackmail goes, be sure to document any behaviour related to this (save emails, texts, record calls and conversations in person if you are threatened).

[Newton]

Pookses...this situation sounds horrible for you.  Your post shouts out FOG!...

Fear of his possible retaliation...

Obligation to stay attached to someone who has regularly subjected you to abuse...

Guilt that he may hurt himself if you leave...


Have you read the resources here on FOG?...

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

I think your sentence... "I should be ok with phrases like "Shut up and do what I tell you to"...  " illustrate that this is such an unhealthy environment for you to be in without significant change...should you REALLY be ok with this?...boundaries are needed here to keep you sane and healthy...

I appreciate you are concerned about his retaliation, and potential damage to your career...the very fact that you have experienced "light choking"...(this sounds like justifying his shocking behavior to me)...means that the potential damage to you from staying is rather more serious than anything he could achieve when you were out of harms way...

Whilst you waver...working on a safe and practical exit plan would seem very sensible...you feeling "terrified" is genuine and justified...

Newton

 

[Changed4safety]

I had a stalker once and that was horrifying.  I cringe from the thought of going through it AGAIN, this time with someone who I live with.  I definitely have FOG.  When I am away, it seems so clear, but somehow he can phrase things, especially rapid-fire anger, so that somehow I'm agreeing with him.

I think I am seriously messed up.  But I KNOW that I don't want to "work on" becoming someone who's OK with being told to "shut up and do what you're told."  That's not healthy.  I've spent half of everything I've made, and it's not a lot, to indulge his whims.  He's getting better, and I see it, but WE are not.  I tried to set my boundaries--demanding that he not cheat any more, that he not hurt himself or me any more, that he not damage property, and that he not get involved in drugs or alcohol.

Now I found out that at the very least, he had been pretending I wasn't in his life on Facebook, and he has three times destroyed my property.  He won't go see our therapist together (though he is still seeing his own that I pay for.) 

I want:
To not be screamed at.
To be respected.
To be spoken kindly to.
To not have my property broken.
To not be afraid of "setting him off."
To not have to pay for EVERYTHING for him and have him get angry when I protest.

I know this isn't good for me.   But when I think of what might happen I just get sick inside.  "The devil you know..."

[GreenMango]

Pookses,

I think you touched on "The devil you know versus the devil you don't"...Maybe we can build on what Newton described as FOG.

What is the F-O-G for you?

It sounds like:
F- Fear of the unknown
O- ...
G- ...

Now is a great time to develop your support network.  You mentioned your family.  Couples counseling is not recommended for people in abusive relationships...it is dependent on both parties taking accountability for their part in the relationship.  What is recommended is both parties in a relationship working on individual therapy and later after they have gained some personal traction coming together in couples counseling if warranted.  

Have you looked into therapy for yourself to sort out your feelings while your husband is working on his?

Take care of you first-
GM

[Changed4safety]

We are not married, thank goodness.  I have been paying for him to see a therapist for 3 years and we have been seeing a couples counselor for 2.  Recently he has decided that our therapist thinks he is a "bad guy" and that "he is always the one who has to change."  So he has refused to go back with me to counseling.  We came very close to amicably separating in January, but then my father died and he had his medicines adjusted and he begged me for another chance.  Being vulnerable, I took it.

He has encouraged me to keep seeing our therapist, in hopes that she will convince me to take my share of the "blame."  I do know I am codependent.  I do know I have read up on bipolar (and unknown to him) BPD.  I have been practicing what I have learned, and yet I "always say or do the wrong thing," and as referenced above, I, according to him, "need to learn to not be afraid when he screams or throws things."

I got a call from him tonight, he was having a flashback to the bad California fires of a few years ago and asked me to have his therpist call him...for some reason he never had the numbers other than the office number.  He said "I figured you could always call him for me if he needed to be called."  :/

Fear:  Physical harm to myself.  Physical harm to himself.  Emotional harm to him (reactivating his PTSD which was around being "kicked out").  Attempts by him to ruin my reputation.

Obligation:  I told him I was safe for him.  I promised him that I would never leave him.  He has no money, and no relatives who can, honestly, support him.   He has neuropathy in his legs and so many jobs are closed to him physically.  He's afraid to get a job because he thinks he'll lose it.

Guilt:  I think those are most of the above, aren't they?

[GreenMango]

Pookses,
You described your FOG well and those are all valid concerns.  One of the my concerns with your FOG statement is there only one statement on how the FOG affects you directly:  Fear for your physical safety.  All the other were about your partner.  It is very hard to put ourself first when we are not used to putting ourself first.   

From your post I'm a little unclear of the living arrangements as of right now...You mentioned separating and reuniting.

Are you two living together? Considering his unpredictable mental state what is your safety plan specifically if he rages or becomes violent?

Couples counseling is not recommended for partners in abusive relationships or people with partners who have an untreated personality disorder because there is high likelihood for these relationships to be abusive.  CC has a tendency to revictimize abused partners in scenarios just like you mentioned:

He has encouraged me to keep seeing our therapist, in hopes that she will convince me to take my share of the "blame." 

One of the reasons the 2 years of CC had little impact may be from the other factors going on.   An abusive relationship dynamic is too dysfunctional.

Right now your husband pushing you for couples counseling sounds like it will only work towards validating his feelings and actions.  This sets you up for more abuse.  It's a great time to look into therapy for yourself individually instead of couples counseling.  It is the most loving and responsible thing you can do for yourself, him, and your relationship in that order.

Have you found a therapist for yourself yet?  If you have, have you spoken with your therapist about the situation?

Have you read Stop Walking on Eggshells or something on codependence?

Look forward to hearing from you,
GM

[Changed4safety]

We're not married, but as we live in a state that acknowledges commonlaw marriage I did check with a lawyer to make sure we weren't "accidentally" married.  Lawyer thinks I don't have anything to worry about.

We are living together.  In March of last year, we were going to break up and he was going to move out.  He convinced me to give it another shot.  We moved to a much smaller place (from 2,400 sf to 1,000 sf apartment...I could no longer afford to keep the house as I was spending so much money on him).  The tight quarters haven't helped.  In August, he wanted to separate.  Within three weeks he wanted to move back in again.

Generally when he rages my safety plan is to just be very calm and bring him back down.  I've never tried to leave.  Basically without contradicting him I find what is "right" in what he is saying (validation) and just let it calm down.  The meds are helping in that he calms down much faster now. 

He is actually refusing to see our counselor any more, but pushing me to go see her on my own (which confuses me...if he doesn't trust her, then why have me go see her?)  I have talked with my therapist and she rightly says I need to make the decision.  She does believe I would be better without him...so does his therapist...but the whole "the trileptal has helped so much and I realize now I want to be with you" thing in December when my dad died pulled me back in.

I feel very hopeless.  I cannot stay without traumatize me and I cannot leave without traumatizing him.  There are moments when suicide seems like an option. I feel like a coward.

[megocean]

This sounds like an emergency to me... And you are as much or more concerned about him as you are about yourself. He seems to have the ability to land on his feet, look what he has gotten you to do for him---pay for everything, including therapy for a few years, if I have that right.

It sounds like you need some distance to sort things out, as it doesn't sound like you can think very clearly and feel your options are very limited, perhaps much more limited than they are in actuality. Can you get away, at least briefly---geographically away, I mean, where you can think and plan in peace? I am pretty tolerant of people with troubles, but this guy sounds dangerous to me, and of course that doesn't mean you are not very attached in various ways and that detaching will be easy. And don't criticize yourself! You are not a coward, just a deeply distressed person. Take care!

[Changed4safety]

I am actually a thousand miles away visiting my widowed mom, and have been for a week.  He leaves today to see his ailing grandmother and will hear from her oncologist about the situation tomorrow (it's like she will need chemo.)  He will be back on April 4.  He texts me several times a day.  He seems to feel that things are great, we always do better when we're not together (it started as a long distance relationship, he seems to feel better with that.  All but one instance of cheating was online or texting.)  His mother is an alcoholic and had been telling him she was sober while caretaking for his grandmother.  When he found out she'd been drinking heavily there was a fight.  His mom texted him afterwards saying she could tell when he was getting ready to exit a relationship.  He showed me that and laughed, saying "Well, we have to break up, Mom says so."  Has also said things like 'I'm not going anywhere and I'm pretty sure you're not either." 

I should mention that I am 48 and he is 29.  I'm pretty sure I'm Mom. 

I also have a freelance project due in 2 weeks, if I miss my deadline I lose a substantial bonus, so I have to get that done.

My brother is going through a rough divorce and has basal skin cancer (Dad died of melanoma) and is going to have to have his face scarred in order to rebuild the affected nostril.  With all this, my boyfriend's grandmother's cancer, my work, my mom, my sister who was abused...it feels like too much.

[Changed4safety]

I feel like I am not living in integrity, and that knowledge is killing part of me.  I am a terrible liar and it makes me ill to do so.  I am again wavering, wondering if I set down my boundaries again if he would blast them again...how can I insist he get a job when the job market is so awful...I just feel like the easiest thing is to simply spread my doormat self out again. 

[momtario]

 Hi! Pookses. It sounds like you are under an extraordinary amount of stress right now, and I am very concerned about you.

Your partner's behaviour is terrible, and I would strongly recommend doing something relaxing while you have this chance to be away from his abuse for a bit, while staying with your mom.

If he is encouraging you to continue seeing your therapist without him, do so. Many members here find having their own therapist to be extremely helpful when dealing with the stress brought about by these relationships.

   Keep posting, Pookses, and take care 

I hope things calm down for you soon.

[Changed4safety]

Thank you all, I truly appreciate the time and thoughtfulness of the replies. 

I went back over the staying board tips and I realized...I'm so tired of putting forth the effort.  I went to my father's grave today with my mom, I miss him so much.  I am so stressed from everything.  I have decided to sink some money into an exercise/eating right/mental transformation retreat and 12 week followup program.  My life feels so screwed up, at least maybe I can make sure my body is OK. 

I wish it weren't happening now, I'm still scared and hung up on the "hows" of doing it.  But I know that if I didn't have this relationship, I'd have twice the money I have now and none of the stress.  He would even yell at me when I asked him to pick up clothes he hadn't put away for three months. 

I want to just run away into the night, you know?  Get in the car, start driving and never look back.  I was raised to be kind and compassionate, and also, sadly, got the unspoken message from my mother that I wasn't really deserving of a man's attention.  I feel like a train wreck of a person, and I know I won't ever, ever be truly happy in this relationship.  :/

[GreenMango]

Pookses,

So glad to hear about you taking a "time out" for yourself.  You have a lot on your plate right now.  I've had that run-away moment too  ...especially when I was dealing with family, work, and a difficult relationship.  It can be totally overwhelming.

There's nothing saying you have to come to a decision on your relationship now.  I don't know about you but when I have a lot going on and I need to make an important decision if I'm impulsive it tends to not go so well.

The retreat sounds like a great thing and really interesting.  What do you get to do there?

Hang in there and be nice to yourself 
-GM

[Changed4safety]

I DO feel like I have to make a decision.  I think I've made it, but I don't know the right way to tell him.  And so until I do tell him, I'm going to be lying.  I had a panic attack on the way home from the airport.  He is with his grandmother now, still don't know how she's doing.  He wants to talk tonight, says he's had "insights" and so on.  This always happens, and it never sticks.  One thing I know he wants to do is not have to work while he switches majors and schools a THIRD time, for the three years he is going to school.  He doesn't even want to do part time work. 

I refuse to do this.  I've not told him, too afraid.  Fear is the constant in this relationship, and I'm so very very sick of feeling afraid and hypocritical...

He will get upset and scream and yell and say he's trying to get his life together and why am I turning on him--I could practically write the scripts. It will of course be me ruining his life, because if he's not in school then his student loans come due etc. etc. 

He also swore he wasn't cheating (again!) and lo and behold, I've learned that he had two different views of his FB page...one where "Z is in a relationship with Pookses" and mine said "Pookses is in an relationship with Z" and one tailored so that others saw "Pookses is in a relationship" and nothing at all about Z being in a relationship.  This was that way for at least three months.  Proof positive of cheating?  No.  Proof that he was deceiving me?  You bet.

I also realize that he was privy to information about my work that is secret--the companies I work with trusted him.  One had him sign an NDA, thank goodness.  He could blab proprietary information.

I feel like a hostage.  I am going to go to yoga, which helps me calm down.  Because of travel I got no work done, and I've gotten myself all keyed up now.

Please--keep posting.   It helps me feel less alone.  Thank you.

[Changed4safety]

I don't think I mentioned this but my visit home was totally fraught with family dynamic stress.  My mom and my sister were at each other's throats and each was coming to me with her story.  It was awful. 

[GreenMango]

Pookses,

It's really good to hear from you...we'll keep posting as long as you keep posting.  It sounds like you definately have a lot of things going on...it doesn't sound like being around family right now is helping.  

If you take a look at the right hand column there is a Choosing a Path Guide.

It sounds like you are at Step 1/2 in the process.  Step 1 includes tools for effective communication.  There are ways to communicate those hot topics with your boyfriend.  We can walk you through one of those methods if you'd like.

Have you checked those out?

GM