Males wBPD - crying

[Think About It...]

First, let me preface this by saying I absolutely KNOW that people that have BPD are not all the same, that they are all individuals, that each is unique with their own story.  I know that.

I also know that there is an amazing amount of similarities in the stories on this one board.

So please don't take this question offensively (or really any of mine - I still have a lot to learn.    )

But do most men with BPD cry a lot?  My friend with BPD cries all the time to me.  To others, he never sheds a single tear, never shows a whole lot of different emotions, or if something is upsetting to him it comes across as attitude rather than tears.

I also happen to be the only person he rages at.

Lately, while our friendship has hit some pretty bad spots, whenever we talk about it, he cries.  I used to be a good judge of character and I used to take what people say as what they mean.  But when he has been not so nice and we talk about it and he cries and says, "I miss my friend" I guess I am just trying to figure out if he is being sincere or trying to manipulate.

He's always cried with me (he used to say I 'turned him into a chick') and shown emotion but he has been very teary lately.

I know, you don't know my friend but I was just wondering if this was common among others here with a pwBPD in their lives?  And how did you take it?

[sheepdog]

First, let me preface this by saying I absolutely KNOW that people that have BPD are not all the same, that they are all individuals, that each is unique with their own story.  I know that.

I also know that there is an amazing amount of similarities in the stories on this one board.

So please don't take this question offensively (or really any of mine - I still have a lot to learn.    )

But do most men with BPD cry a lot?  My friend with BPD cries all the time to me.  To others, he never sheds a single tear, never shows a whole lot of different emotions, or if something is upsetting to him it comes across as attitude rather than tears.

I also happen to be the only person he rages at.

Lately, while our friendship has hit some pretty bad spots, whenever we talk about it, he cries.  I used to be a good judge of character and I used to take what people say as what they mean.  But when he has been not so nice and we talk about it and he cries and says, "I miss my friend" I guess I am just trying to figure out if he is being sincere or trying to manipulate.

He's always cried with me (he used to say I 'turned him into a chick') and shown emotion but he has been very teary lately.

I know, you don't know my friend but I was just wondering if this was common among others here with a pwBPD in their lives?  And how did you take it?

[gina louise]

hi Sheepdog,
My UBPDH (more of a waif/hermit male) exhibits the teary eyes-even as he is calculating just what to say to make me leave the R/S.
HE was the one crying when he broke up with me-which I found very odd. I think they were tears of frustration on his part because I calmly argued for the R/S, and reminded him of all the *love of my life* comments he had made to my face in the past!

He has been weepy when meeting me at the airport after his work kept us a part a few weeks...he was weepy when trying to the describe the perfect, ideal fantasy love that he imagines he will (one day) find. He was teary when describing the *one that got away* before me...She dumped him.

We are still married (one year now, together for 3)...but I am torn between undecided and leaving.

In my experience it's real emotion when he is feeling a real loss-such as grieving his late mother, when we revisited the area he grew up...but when he's into an *episode* it's fake and on the surface.
Because right after he's watching TV, playing games on the PC or looking at sports stuff. Like nothing happened.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[pallavirajsinghani]

This could be a symptom of their intense feeling of pain and sorrow.  It is an intensified emotion and the degree of that emotion is many times nothing to do with the degree of the stimulus.  That is, the stimulus can be very insignificant, but the impact it triggers is great.  This is indicative of their pain.  Their pain and suffering is genuine.  I don't believe that it is a put on act.

[an0ught]

I'd like to echo Palla, this likely is genuine but like to add another angle...

Be glad and be concerned...

Why be glad. Showing emotions and dealing with them is good for him. Bottling all up is no good for anyone, particularly when they are strong. There is some ability to let them out (when you are around) and likely some basic self validation happens. That was the good news...

...now why should you concerned. The fact that he is only doing it with you indicates that you have a very close relationship. Being close means fewer boundaries. Less inhibition to dump his emotions but also less awareness that you are a different person from him. Which is the reason you are the one who suffers from rage. You may want to check out this workshop: http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128107.0

The challenge for you will be to manage closeness and respect...

[sheepdog]

Thank you, everyone!
And thanks anOught for the article.  I have recently come across the term enmeshed and I do believe I am.

Yes, I am the closest person in the world to him.  Or I was.  We haven't really talked much lately.

You wrote this and I am still turning it over in my mind trying to figure it out:  "Less inhibition to dump his emotions but also less awareness that you are a different person from him."

Can you elaborate?  I've never heard of anything like that before.

[an0ught]

Hi Sheepdog,

this "simply" elaborated the impact of weak boundaries, closeness and enmeshment. A weak sense of self and being enmeshed with you can lead to emotionally perceiving you as an extension of himself. Then you become privy of his inner pain but unlike him have only limited levers to regulate it (primarily validation aiding him to regulate).

Study the picture in the workshop.

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