People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Unless they have BPD.

[Think About It...]

A few days ago my BPDSO got angry at me for my angry reaction to someone else for something that was out of their control.    They were right, and I apologized, but not before some much nastier and pointed words were used against me that made me feel about five inches tall and were intended to push buttons, not simply to express how my BPD felt (or maybe they were, but they were not kind). 

Only hours later, a similar situation happens, except the roles are reversed.   My SO has done something to themselves accidentally, and they need my help.   When I respond, they go off on me because it took me so long to get there and they needed help and I wasn't immediately available.   

They attack me verbally and walk out before I can realize that I just had the same thing done to me that I apologized for a day earlier.   

I can take the instant reactions.   I think we all sometimes lash out at the wrong person for our own mistakes and frustrations.   But I'm tired of the defense mechanisms that almost never allow for an apology to me, and even more rarely allow for an unconditional apology to me.   

Does a person with BPD ever truly realize they've done something wrong and hurtful without finding ways of making it someone else's fault?   

[mssalty]

A few days ago my BPDSO got angry at me for my angry reaction to someone else for something that was out of their control.    They were right, and I apologized, but not before some much nastier and pointed words were used against me that made me feel about five inches tall and were intended to push buttons, not simply to express how my BPD felt (or maybe they were, but they were not kind). 

Only hours later, a similar situation happens, except the roles are reversed.   My SO has done something to themselves accidentally, and they need my help.   When I respond, they go off on me because it took me so long to get there and they needed help and I wasn't immediately available.   

They attack me verbally and walk out before I can realize that I just had the same thing done to me that I apologized for a day earlier.   

I can take the instant reactions.   I think we all sometimes lash out at the wrong person for our own mistakes and frustrations.   But I'm tired of the defense mechanisms that almost never allow for an apology to me, and even more rarely allow for an unconditional apology to me.   

Does a person with BPD ever truly realize they've done something wrong and hurtful without finding ways of making it someone else's fault?   

[beyondbelief]

A pretty good answer is MAYBE or SOMETIMES.

When my X was acting in, she would be much harder on herself than anyone else.  When she was acting out then it was reversed.  She could be sincerely contrite when she did something she shouldn't have, however those were almost always times when she could emphasize because she had been on the other side of it meaning she was relating to herself not me.

Often apologies were things she did bc she thought by doing so it meant I would have to get over it.  I recall once she did the same thing 3 days in a row and apologized each time.  I told her that an apology really meant she was promising not to repeat the same behaviors.  That was obviously a completely alien concept to her and she seriously pondered the implications and even used the line on the kids.  Within a day or two she reverted back to old behaviors.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)