any ideas on how to reconcile with a spouse who has painted you black?

[Think About It...]

I want my family to work out but cant take much more
being treated like crap. so, wondered if anyone else has any ideas on this subject?
My h is accussing me of having BPD and says thats why he cant work on the marriage. makes no sense to me. part of me wants to prove i dont have it.. and i do have that information... but he seems to feel a need to do what he is doing.
dont know how to break the cycle. either live alone in this one way marriage or separate.

[sometimesnow]

I want my family to work out but cant take much more
being treated like crap. so, wondered if anyone else has any ideas on this subject?
My h is accussing me of having BPD and says thats why he cant work on the marriage. makes no sense to me. part of me wants to prove i dont have it.. and i do have that information... but he seems to feel a need to do what he is doing.
dont know how to break the cycle. either live alone in this one way marriage or separate.

[hithere]

Offer to go to couples therapy and have the therapist diagnose what is wrong.

[HardDaysNight]

I agree with hithere.  If he is willing to work on it agree to go to a neutral marriage counselor.  I would avoid either his or your T if either of you have one.  It's not about who is right or wrong but working to restablish communication between you two.

There he can express himself and you can express what you are looking for from the marriage.   As this is the staying board it may take him sometime to build trust but there are exercises to bring you closer together and if he tries there is hope in my view.

[sometimesnow]

He wont go, and says its because its hopeless. this is part of the painting black part.

[HardDaysNight]

I don't know what to say.   Have you gone to a marriage counselor before?   It is hard to rebuild if there is no communication.  I know.

[truthwillsetyoufree]

Sometimesnow,
I really know where you are coming from right now. 
You say he is telling you that YOU have BPD. I assume that he really believes this. What if you approached it like wanting to get "help" for yourself? (I don't mean that you should agree you have BPD.) Just act like you are open to the possibility that he might be on to something. (or something like that).  Then you could get some T for yourself, and maybe, if his trigger to all this was SWOE, maybe you, the "pwBPD", being willing and interested in getting T for your "possible problem", could be viewed as a good thing. Maybe you (as pwBPD)  "taking action and getting help" could show that your "recovery" is possible?

I'm thinking you could possibly get some T out of it, and maybe he might listen when you say that you are interested in fixing whatever problems you have, because you care about him. Maybe...  who knows?

[sometimesnow]

thanks for the ideas. ihave done this and he will not consider it. if i say i will get
help for my problem he doesnt say anything. he wont disucss what my problem is except to allude to it. if i ask him directly he will say "its up to you to figure out the problem, just make sure you see someone GOOD and get it fixed."
its all very frustrating. he used to make this the reason he cant have a R/S but ever since he screamed at me and i called the police, he now uses that as the real deal breaker. but it was broken before. i would think if anything a police call would clue him in that we need rs communicatio nhelp. he said he wtill never never see
an MC again.
ANyway I am doing a twelve step program and just living my life. it he wants
to not communicate or do things with me, fine.
al anon is helping me here.
thanks

[artman.1]

sometimesnow,
     I can see things you are doing for yourself as helping your RS with babysteps.  He will see your improved strength, and independence, and will want your new style.  BPD's tend to emulate those who they admire, and you are building your strenght and self esteem, which is quite admirable indeed.  He hears actions much clearer than words.  You will see how working on yourself will pay great dividends in your RS, and may bring things back to a livable lifestyle.  No, you will probably not get your needs met, but you may be able to hold your family together until the kids are ready to leave the home.  It does appear that he does not treat them the way he does you, so they may not have been directly abused, but abuse of you in their presence is very bad.  you must establish a boundry for that. leaving is the only thing I believe will work.  Taking the kids out for awhile, or going somewhere with them for several hours should get his attention.  I really don't know but I see that he will have abandonment fears just as other BPD's have, even though he exhibits NPD traits as well.
     Doing something for protection, is better than doing nothing again, and again.

Art

[JustSaying]

List for us three things that YOU can do that will cause him to want to reconcile. Not suggesting you should do them--I'd just like to know what you could do by yourself that would cause his position on this to change.

[sometimesnow]

Great I idea.
Here is what i have tried so farm, and didn't work.
1) apologize and admit my part in situation
2) re commit to relationship and let him know that.
3) leave him alone and let him go completely, see if he comes
back. i keep trying this and seems as if there is no movement.
4) live my life and be happy no matter what he does. perhaps he will be attracted to fun and realize he is hurting himself by sticking with the
disengagement. (this is what i am currently doing but i am lonesome
and tend to want "force" the solution. Every day i have to let it go
and make a commitment as i cant really convince or force anyone to do anything. they have to motivate themselves.

[CodependentHusband]

Great I idea.
Here is what i have tried so farm, and didn't work.
...

4) live my life and be happy no matter what he does. perhaps he will be attracted to fun and realize he is hurting himself by sticking with the disengagement. (this is what i am currently doing but i am lonesome and tend to want "force" the solution. Every day i have to let it go and make a commitment as i cant really convince or force anyone to do anything. they have to motivate themselves.

 

There are down sides to this, as you have noted. All of these things on your list are things within YOUR control; however, if they are all done to effect a change in him, rather than just yourself, that may be the part to work on. It's HARD. I know it is. I've gotten there, and it takes work to STAY there (I slipped a little last night and this morning), but I think it is probably your best option. It's hard not being loved in a way that we want/expect/deserve. Your options may well boil down to:

A. Being miserable and lonely

or

B. Being happy most days and lonely


Leneliness is no fun, I admit, but it's easier to take on its own. Even though my dBPDw doesn;t show me that she loves me very often, I believe that she does. I find that the number of days that I am lonely has lessened some, and the intensity of that leneliness is lower now too.

[buterfly]

There are multiple books out there on BPD, maybe try reading through one, I recommend 'Walking on Eggshells,'  then I think you could tell him either way, 'stop saying I have BPD, I don't, here's the facts,' or 'Maybe you are onto something,' or, in my case my husband/BPD (who also refuses couples therapy) would project it onto me, so you might even say, 'honey, I think you might have BPD,'  Which of course if either of you have it I would then recommend Therapy.

Even better... when you have the facts, hopefully you will both be saying, 'Neither of us have BPD, and marriage is just hard.'

[JustSaying]

this is what i am currently doing but i am lonesome
and tend to want "force" the solution. Every day i have to let it go
and make a commitment as i cant really convince or force anyone to do anything.

That was my point. One party cannot reconcile. It takes both. There's nothing you can do alone to reconcile. And we talk here all the time about how we cannot make other people do things.

Here's a really good article on radical acceptance: Radical Acceptance for family members

"'When we learn to face and feel the fear and shame we habitually avoid, we begin to awaken from the trance.'

Radical acceptance is a concept everyone that interfaces with a borderline person should understand - be it a spouse, a child, and step mom, or an ex. 

There are three parts to radical acceptance.

~~The first part is accepting that reality is what it is. 

~~The second part is accepting that the event or situation causing you pain has a cause. 

~~The third part is accepting life can be worth living even with painful events in it."

Separate of that, if I was bothered by what was going on to this extreme and wanted to try something, anything, I might try the following. One issue is how he has used Stop Walking on Eggshells to 'diagnose' you, and then misapplied the lessons from that book to mistreat you. If my X did that, and I wasn't ready to just write her off, I might challenge her to put up or shut up. Call her bluff, if you will. I might say something like...you're claiming I have BPD and treating me inhumanely as a result. Maybe you're right and maybe you're wrong. But you have no training to make such a diagnosis and yet are blowing up the whole family based on...a book and an amateur diagnosis. But let's say you'r right. If you are, then a real, live, trained psychologist should be able to confirm the diagnosis. So put up or shut up. Let's identify three trained psychologists that neither of us know or have ever spoken to. We'll select one at random. I'll get tested for anything and everything and we'll see what they diagnose. If they diagnose BPD, I'll seek and follow their treatment plan. But what if they don't diagnose BPD? What if they don't diagnose any of the underlying symptoms? What are you prepared to change? Are you willing to accept their conclusions? Oh, and if I get tested, you get tested, too.

My guess is that he'd reluctantly agree to have you tested, not agree to have himself tested, and if you were tested and shown to not match his diagnosis, he'd not accept the results and not change his perspective.

So back to radical acceptance. He believes what he believes. Or maybe he doesn't really care. Either way it's become his justification to act as he's choosing to act. That's the reality of life, and you can accept it or rail against it till your fists are bloodied.

[sometimesnow]

Just Saying. great ideas. I tried that and let him know i was absolutely willing to do whatever. he states "cant be done" "i dont beleive it"
"its impossible" and pretty much disengaged and wasnt interested in having me tested or seeing if it were true. basically it was his choice to use the book as a weapon, his choice to disengage, and his choice to work on things. I see it as i can
1) put up and try to be happy alone.
2) file a divorce and i will still need to be happy alone.
so i guess this is needed time to plan ahead.
even if someone had a spouse with BPD it would be
dangerous to limit all contact.
He now blames the reason heisnt interacting on me on a police call i made against him when he was sceaming... now he says not to even worry about the BPD thing. he has a new better reason.
but he always had a reason. so if you dont want something, then you dont.

[artman.1]

sometimesnow,
     Since you discussed this with him, have you gotten any farther in your communication?  I must venture a NO!  The reason is he has a Mental Disorder, and you cannot reason, or understand INSANITY.  He will just deny his words even an hour later.  This is all about him, and he wants, and is unaware of you or anything about you.  Nothing you say to him will be logically herd, or result in a reasonable consequence.  This is a disordered mind, that lost control.  Yes, we have compassion for them, but must accept their Illness, and inability to respond correctly, or logically.  Accept, and let go, and Detach with Love.  Surrender this to your higher power.  This does not mean to do nothing, but meditate on it and the answer will come.

Art

[argyle]

BPDw and I did the whole 'see a therapist to check for a diagnosis of whatever she thought I had'.  It kind of worked.  By that, I mean that she had to find a different excuse to blame me.

I suspect you'll be better off with 'natural consequences'.  But, if you have the free time, the therapist option won't hurt.

I wonder what the natural consequences of screaming, acting like a crazy person, refusing to communicate, giving up on a R/S, and demanding a divorce might be?  

For now though, I like the whole...being happy while you're lonely plan.  But, eventually, if he doesn't choose to associate with you - you'll have an answer.  No control over that at all.

--Argyle