When A PwBPD Cheats, How Do They Choose A Partner?

[Think About It...]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.
2) Someone they can dominate.
3) Someone who is available and not attached.
4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.
5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.
6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.
7) None of the above, but other reasons.

[Willingtolearn]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.
2) Someone they can dominate.
3) Someone who is available and not attached.
4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.
5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.
6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.
7) None of the above, but other reasons.

[nylonsquid]

There's no method to the madness.

But for the sake of analyzing, here's what I experienced. My exuBPDgf figured I'm the 'asian type', probably based on a pic or 2 she dug up on Facebook. She's now with an asian dude. Coincidence? I dunno. I do know that she's never been with one or never showed an interest in any.

[Applehead]

Not sure but in my opinion someone who gives them attention.  Whats crazy is that I think if they're desperate enough they'll cheat with anyone.  I believe my exes and I have comparable looks but my exBPDgf Waif, which was before the my most recent BPD Hermit, married some dude after me who was really ugly and didn't have money either!  I couldn't believe it!  She even told me once that she knew he was ugly too!  Some things they can do will surprise you!  I'm all about love but have to be attracted to someone and I'm not about money either although I make a decent wage. 

[Faded]

My 1st replacement apparently supported my ex through her break up although we hadnt broke up until a week or 2 after they started seeing each other.
I got the impression he was fed all lies i was told about her ex when she met me, so im sure i was abusive and agressive in her words to him (the victim)

Her now husband a different fella to who she cheated on me with also said the same thing, that he supported her through the break up with me!
Im sure again he was fed all the BS i was fed and her cheat partner was fed.

Although her now husband didnt need to support her in leaving me, she had already left me long time before, months before and had partners in between our split and them meeting.

I see the pattern, shes the victim and her ex's are all her abusers. If things go pear shaped with her husband im sure he will become the abuser, she will become the victim and her husbands replacement will be the one who supports her through all of this until he becomes the abuser and she the victim again.

So in my case she selected partners that would care for her as the victim until she got her claws into him. Nothing personal to me im sure as its a pattern i clearly recognise from before we met, to our r/s, to the present time.

Maybe they dont all select in that way but thats the way my ex went with her selection/manipulation.


What does this say about us? we was also one of their selection and we allowed ourselves to be selected, we also chose to select them as our partner.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[seektruth]

In the past I have analyzed this to death as I experienced the cheating to the nth degree and my conclusion is that anyone that is available and willing to give them the attention.  My ex did not have a type at all - she could've been tall, short, skinny, fat, fair, dark, etc.  It honestly did not matter as long as she was willing to feed his ego and validate him.  Many times my ex would portray himself as the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship and in turn would gain the sympathy of other women.  Little did the other women know that in reality they were sympathizing and basically enabling a woman beater. 

[JJay]

They really don't care how you look like. It's just all about her needs and your availability. You need to be there for her at all costs and see her as victim. Step by step she will pull you further and further in her BPD web. That's all!    

...And be a complete doormat of course.  

[beyondbelief]

I think the answer is a bit more complex.  If the pwBPD is acting out BPD tendencies then it can appear more random.  Other times the BPD tendencies are less visible and they may be acting like Nons who choose to cheat.

[redberry]

I think all of the above in varying degrees, though not sure about 5 and 6...

I think the longer they are unattached (panicking), the more they will loosen their requirements and just search desperately for almost anyone who will attach as quickly as possible.  Bottom line, they have to be attached.  If supply is plentiful, they can be picky.  If not, they'll take whatever they can get.

[bpdlover]

Any way they can would be the answer. Surprises go with the territory. The longer the relationship, more likely she is looking for an opposite of what she has in order to blame. She is the victim at all times and enlists the help of whoever wants to play. When I began to talk to her, it took me over a year before I was snagged. I thought she was strange and didn't call often. The minute a wave of denial blankets reality, conversations accelerate, as the new object (always called a friend) lets her pretend to care, be strong and start to dominate their life issues. All the while, she is bagging out the current flame and at times even comparing her new friend to her partner. My ex likes the dominance because it means she is accepted sexually or on some level and her work is done. She can now concentrate on having all her needs met without having to care. The minute she is asked to step up and take responsibility, the friend becomes more and the partner is sent on paid vacation for up to three weeks. We did this dance many times and I could never get proof whether she cheated. It didn't matter. This is not love, just two hurt people triangulating (read definition) out looking for answers. One, a non with core self issues forming an addictive attachment, the other childish with no emotionally regulation, punishing and cold. I agree that after a while unattached, they start to go stir crazy.

[redberry]

I think anybody, and I mean anybody can be some form of potential supply in the BPDs mind.

There was an older, overweight, but average looking woman who ran a gas station near my ex's place.  Now, this woman was old enough to be my ex's grandmother. She would flirt heavily with him and even send him racy emails (he gave her his email address after she offered him temporary work if he needed it).  She was always giving him free food and he definitely took advantage of that.  But, she was a form of supply (free meals, employment) so he stayed in communication with her, probably a few times a month.  Would email her with "inside jokes," and sort of provoke her sexual responses--compliments on his looks and very suggestive (age-inappropriate), heavy innuendo. It really made me uncomfortable because I just thought it was kind of gross, but I think it fed his ego and made sure she was still a tool for him to use if he needed her.  Would he have ever slept with her?  Truthfully, if she could provide him with something he really wanted and he was feeling unattached... Yes, I think he would and, of course, never admit it.  It really is sick.  But they will go to any length and use anybody to fill their needs.

[OneVoice]

When a pwBPD decides to cheat on their husband or partner, which criteria does a pwBPD use when selecting a new mate. Is it:

1) Someone who gives them attention.
2) Someone they can dominate.
3) Someone who is available and not attached.
4) Someone who is physically attractive to them.
5) Someone who is opposite in their persona to their husband or partner.
6) Someone who plays hard to get and they want the chase.
7) None of the above, but other reasons.

It's all about whomever can give them the most attention.  The 1st person my exBPDbf cheated on me with, was a girl, he described as "Needy."  After we broke up when I found out.  I started laughing, because I was like, "you think she is needy, wow you are needy."  So I guess like attracts like.  My ex with BPD was all about the chase.  He loved looking at porn that was all about teasing.  And he loved S&M...dominating.  Which I don't care for...ugh we were so mismatched in so many ways. 

[kimbers43]

Attention and attention only. My ex is seeing a guy from work simply because everyone gossiped that they were shagging each other. He asked for her number and they both decided to get together because of this. She hated the guy and would not speak to him before all this happened when i was seeing her!

[HostNoMore]

Very impulsively, or else the BPD will have some ex that you do not know about as their Rolodex stretches from here to the moon.

Yet, they have few, if any friends.  I love paradoxes...

[redfeather]

Anyone! Doesnt matter as its always about supply. You could blink at mine and depending on her mood be her new love. Also has 300 plus friends on FB and she told me once NONE of them were her actual friends. She said she didnt have any "real" friends. Sad but she treats people horribly.

[HostNoMore]

You nailed it redfeather. It is strictly about supply.  There is no limit on the supply of fools.  I used to be one myself.

There is no shortage of folks who think they've struck gold due to the mirroring, know the BPD is just not right but do not care or cannot unbind from the BPD and will be recyclable.

The BPDs have many techniques by which they can ensnare.

[HowPredictable]

This will sound more callous than I intend it to, because I really do have compassion and sympathy for pwBPD.  (I view it as a tragic , incurable disorder generally born of childhood abuse).

But in looking for a new partner, I imagine the pwBPD as a mosquito.  The mosquito knows that it needs nourishment (in the form of blood), and goes off to seek a new host.   Some hosts will be more appealing than others in terms of body scent (i.e. FOO issues and "rescuer" characteristics), but at some point, any host will do.  It is doing what it must do, to survive.

The mosquito bites the host and withdraws the needed blood.   Now full, and becoming fearful that it will get swatted (i.e. abandoned), it moves on.   Mission accomplished.  

(And the mosquito leaves behind the pesky, maddening, itchy venom that drives the host crazy with annoyance.   But with time (and therapy, LOL) that feeling eventually fades.)

[Applehead]

Howpredictable, Good analogy!  Or you can say like vampires which is much harsher! Lol!  I do think some older ones turn into Hermits when their looks fade.  My still looks good though.  The bottom line is that they live off a host and like blood!;)

[SeekingInnerPeace]

For my PDH (uBPD/uNPD), he portrayed himself to me as being the victim of so many different traumatizing scenarios.  I honestly do not know what, if anything, was true.

According to him, his first wife ran on him from nearly the beginning, and was a chronic liar.  That all may be true, but I can tell you that it is also true for him as well.  He made himself out to be the sole victim, but from what I can tell, she was a victim as well.

I do believe what he told me about her, b/c the few times I’ve been around her, you can see the evil dripping from her soul, as it smolders in her eyes.  I think she hates me, mostly b/c I am with him (which means he was successful at locating another mate after their divorce, even though she remarried first).

On to the main question.  For my PDH, there are favorite types, but there is no one set type.  I’ve seen him drool over women who were not what I would consider alluring or overly attractive.  But the attraction for him came in the form of narcissistic supply for him.  It was all b/c they singled him out and paid some type of attention to him – either through a smile, eye contact, or a conversation.  Any attention given to him seems to feed his ego.  If someone is willing to feed his ego and give him that supply he so desperately needs, b/c he is not able to maintain a good level of self-esteem on his own, from within – then they are fair game to him.  Someone who is only being friendly is seen as a sexual object to him – b/c he sexualizes nearly everything and everyone, in nearly every situation.

My PDH lives in such a fantasy world anyway, and generally-speaking, women are objects to him, so it is fairly easy for him to use someone’s body as a vehicle for him to act out the fantasy going through his mind, whether it is during a sexual encounter in the physical sense, or during a fantasy he can only play out in his mind in that moment, b/c sex isn’t an option, being in a public place with your spouse nearby.

My point is that it doesn’t matter too much what the other woman looks like.  In his mind, she will look like whomever he wants her to look like anyway in that moment.  Fantasy does replace reality, whenever he needs it to.  I know, b/c he’s done it plenty of times with me in the bedroom.  I got to know when he was using me as an object, so that he could act out his fantasies (pretty much most of the time).  I got to know when the fantasy of another had replaced me, and even though I was there in body, for him, I was not really there otherwise.  In his mind, he had made me become someone else.  This was easy to figure out, b/c often, he would cover his whole face with something (pillow, towel, sheet, shirt), which prevented him from literally even seeing me when we were together like that.

I think that for them, it does start out as narcissistic supply feed in the form of any kind of attention.  But if they remain with someone longer term, it is definitely b/c they were able to eventually take on that domineering role in their control of that person, alternating with appearing to be submissive, when that is what will best serve them (often to confuse the other person, and after all, they have to paint themselves in a better light at least some of the time).  This was the M.O. my PDH used, anyway.

This was why I could not see all the ways my PDH was trying to control me – b/c he kept switching back and forth between that and submissiveness.  In the end, it confused me, alright.  It clouded the waters, and I could not see the big picture clearly for some time.

It is easier for them to get their supply from someone who feels some level of compassion for them, hence the “victim” persona, which my PDH definitely made himself out to be.  In the process, he fails to see how much he in fact victimizes so many other people.

They say that abused children grow up to be abusers themselves.  I guess some victims of trauma feel they have a right in turn to traumatize others.  It is a shame that some of them do not learn how to break the vicious cycle, once and for all.

Anyway, I may have been PDH’s victim once upon a time, but I am not his victim today.  Even though he wants to be seen as a victim, I do not wish to be seen as one in turn.

[redberry]

Seeking, I can relate to much of what you said.  I think my ex was able to create fantasies and allow them to replace reality as well.  He was always wanting me to participate in some kind of sexual encounter where he had very specific outfits that he wanted me to wear, a certain way to style my hair, certain lighting and music that he chose...  Very detailed expectations that he would send me over text along with graphic descriptions of what he wanted to do in bed!  I fell for it at the time and did everything he wanted.  I got pleasure out of it, in the moment, but I was too blind to see that I was nothing more than an object.  And afterward, i felt so empty and sad and i couldnt understand why.  I later realized its because it had nothing to do with wanting to be with ME, but to play out the role he had in his head.  Maybe while he dreamed of another woman? I don't know.  Either way, to him, I was nothing more than a nameless object in a fantasy role.  My subconscious knew something wasn't right and was pulling me down into deeper depression, the more this went on.  I couldn't understand why I was becoming more and more sad.  Now I understand.

[luckystrikes]

yeah, i dont really think theres one answer, or much of one, really.

virtually anyone, any reason.

i have a hunch, nothing to prove it, that in some cases, the idea and the process excites them in some way. it usually discludes REAL intimacy and yet its also an emotional bandaid.

i never had any evidence, or even the slightest suspicion of cheating, based on my exes behavior, but once i got to this board i sure did. may have been repeated, even. again, its a hunch, but i kind of suspect in my exes mind, she got something from the idea that she was somehow punishing me.

theres a lot at work here. remember since a pwBPD doesnt have a stable sense of self, they can sometimes have "gender confusion", and whether or not they otherwise would, be intimate with someone of the same sex.

ive read a lot of stories. there doesnt seem to be a standard. the person doesnt have to be attractive, even.

i suppose, in some cases, if its consciously to get back at you, it could be with someone you know, maybe even a friend, or someone you dont necessarily know, but would have a specific reason to be jealous over. i think its often someone you wouldnt suspect, or theyve specifically given you reason to believe this person is the last person theyd do such a thing with.

i think its mostly number three. ill tell you, my ex left me for my doppelganger, a guy i actually met one time. something always told me there was something to that, her friends told me she was very much aware of it. could be my ego, but i think id be past that. i was never jealous of the guy or their relationship. i know shed never dated a guy that looked at all like me, and then she decided i was uniquely her "type". i have shoulder length hair and a beard, and look like id be in a rock band (and i am ) the guy before me was like...i think he was foreign, pretty good looking guy, but WEIRD. socially extremely awkward. i got the impression he was a bit preppy but i could have been wrong. my ex dressed nice/fancy almost all the time, but i never at all considered her "preppy". the guy before him was a tiny, skinny, very nerdy looking kid. new guy is just like me but with tattoos. even has a messed up nose like me . i know he was giving her attention (1) when i was ignoring her.

availability+attention+impulse