Did they ever talk about open relationships or threesomes?

[Think About It...]

When we first started dating, my ex wanted to have an open relationship, or at least she brought it up.  Seems odd because she was so insanely jealous and went ballistic when she even thought I was looking at another woman.  Why would they bring this up if the jealousy factor is so powerful?  Is this related to fear of engulfment/intimacy with one person? Also, she mentioned threesomes, said she would do it, either with another guy and me   or another girl and me.  Not sure if she would have followed through but maybe I should have just used it as a huge   to get the hell away from her, that it meant she was willing to sleep with anyone.  I know healthy people have threesomes and or open relationships, but looking back, I should have known she was a prime candidate to cheat.

[forgetthepast]

When we first started dating, my ex wanted to have an open relationship, or at least she brought it up.  Seems odd because she was so insanely jealous and went ballistic when she even thought I was looking at another woman.  Why would they bring this up if the jealousy factor is so powerful?  Is this related to fear of engulfment/intimacy with one person? Also, she mentioned threesomes, said she would do it, either with another guy and me   or another girl and me.  Not sure if she would have followed through but maybe I should have just used it as a huge   to get the hell away from her, that it meant she was willing to sleep with anyone.  I know healthy people have threesomes and or open relationships, but looking back, I should have known she was a prime candidate to cheat.

[darkstar]

I think they bring up such crazy things, to test you and to control the relationship.
And for sure their intimacy fear plays a big part also.
Mine was constantly testing me, and never please believe in what they say. I heard all this too, open relationship, threesomes with girls.. and when I was upset she brought the stupidest explanations, why she offered all this..

Like you say, healthy people have open relationships and all this stuff, I would have agreed because I am very tolerant. But you cant trust a BPD and that s the big problem! Their words usually don't fit with their actions. Its all about them, and their needs. Dont blame yourself, I should have run also.. but it took me 4 years to escape her insane world.

[talkitout]

I think cheating comes from all types, red flags or not.  In my case, my uBPDexgf was church-going, God-fearing, and even felt guilty we were having pre-marital sex.  You would think this person would be incapable of cheating.  Nope.  She cheated, and early in our relationship.  Of course, she hid it well for 4 years and didn't confess the cheating until the final break-up.  

[forgetthepast]

At least yours confessed.  Mine never did.  I had to hear it from her mother of all people that she cheated while we were engaged.  Her mom even raged at me when I tried to get back with her daughter the last time.  Told me to "get some balls and move on with your life."  What kind of white trash poor excuse for a human being  tells someone to get some balls when all I did is treat her daughter and kids with nothing but love, kindness, and respect?  She should tell her daughter to get some balls and go seek help for her mental illness!

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[talkitout]

Her mom even raged at me when I tried to get back with her daughter the last time.  Told me to "get some balls and move on with your life."

That's harsh coming from the mom.  Her daughter cheats and you're the one that lacks balls for trying to work things out?  Parents are so biased in these matters.

Don't give my ex too much credit for confessing her cheating to me.  As always with BPD persons, she  told me for selfish reasons, as a means to anger me and push me away for good.  She was done with the relationship and in my opinion had permanently tattooed me black yet I was trying to reconcile still, so she told me about the cheating so I'd go away and leave her alone for good.

[Clearmind]

When we first started dating, my ex wanted to have an open relationship, or at least she brought it up.  Seems odd because she was so insanely jealous and went ballistic when she even thought I was looking at another woman.  Why would they bring this up if the jealousy factor is so powerful?  Is this related to fear of engulfment/intimacy with one person? Also, she mentioned threesomes, said she would do it, either with another guy and me   or another girl and me.  Not sure if she would have followed through but maybe I should have just used it as a huge   to get the hell away from her, that it meant she was willing to sleep with anyone.  I know healthy people have threesomes and or open relationships, but looking back, I should have known she was a prime candidate to cheat.

How did you feel about the thought of an open relationship - with anyone not just your ex? How do you personally feel about the emotions surrounding a threesome?

[oletimefeelin]

At least yours confessed.  Mine never did.  I had to hear it from her mother of all people that she cheated while we were engaged.  Her mom even raged at me when I tried to get back with her daughter the last time.  Told me to "get some balls and move on with your life."  What kind of white trash poor excuse for a human being  tells someone to get some balls when all I did is treat her daughter and kids with nothing but love, kindness, and respect?  She should tell her daughter to get some balls and go seek help for her mental illness!

Wasn't her Mom giving you good advice?  Perhaps the delivery was lacking, but she knows her daughter and was probably trying to save you from the endless pain. 

[forgetthepast]

OTF, in a way you are right.  She was trying to save me from the pain of coming back and getting beaten down time and again.  The delivery from the mother was horrific as she embarrassed and shamed me in front of their whole family.  This was from her mother who always adored me and wanted nothing more than her daughter to marry me.  I left with my tail between my legs, it has been only through advice from my family and my T that I realized I didn't do anything wrong nor should be ashamed of my actions.  I was looking for answers from her that day I went over to my ex's house.  Answers to how she could just dump me after she told me she was in love with me, wanted to work at the relationship.  Anyone who cared would have been looking for an explanation.  It took me months to get over the way it ended, or even make any sense of it.  It was very harsh, very painful.

[HostNoMore]

Mine was a total deviant.  Cheating, S&M, choking , open relationships, and a Dominatrix obsession.  These BPDs are all 80% identical IMHO.

Too much for HNM to handle.  Glad to be rid of her.  She still tries to reengage every 3 to 4 weeks though.  GRRR.

 

[nylonsquid]

Mine was a total deviant.  Cheating, S&M, choking , open relationships, and a Dominatrix obsession.  These BPDs are all 80% identical IMHO.

Too much for HNM to handle.  Glad to be rid of her.  She still tries to reengage every 3 to 4 weeks though.  GRRR.

 

Ha! It's funny how my exuBPDgf wanted to hook me through sex. She wanted to push the sex to please me. Little did she know I was pretty kinky myself. Funny story is I told her once I have a fetish. She was curious but threatened. I told her she'll find out. A few days later she told me she has her own fetish. Haha! It was BS. I was curious and asked us to go with it. She had no idea how to do it and blamed me for not being able to do it 'right'. It's funny looking back at it. She was competing with me on everything and the sex was definitely a big one as she came up with her fetish to compete with mine. Funny enough, she wasn't as crazy in bed as I was. It was still great though.

[bpdlover]

My ex talked about having a threesome of foursome during sex a couple of times. It was strangely disconnected and conceptual rather than with any feeling. She would suggest later that she was testing me and that she wasn't into stuff like that. To be honest, who is she and what is she in to today? Will never again pretend that I knew that human being.

[Clearmind]

When we first started dating, my ex wanted to have an open relationship, or at least she brought it up.  Seems odd because she was so insanely jealous and went ballistic when she even thought I was looking at another woman.  Why would they bring this up if the jealousy factor is so powerful?  Is this related to fear of engulfment/intimacy with one person? Also, she mentioned threesomes, said she would do it, either with another guy and me    or another girl and me.  Not sure if she would have followed through but maybe I should have just used it as a huge  |> to get the hell away from her, that it meant she was willing to sleep with anyone.  I know healthy people have threesomes and or open relationships, but looking back, I should have known she was a prime candidate to cheat.

How did you feel about the thought of an open relationship - with anyone not just your ex? How do you personally feel about the emotions surrounding a threesome?

I am feeling left out  ! What do you think forgetthepast?

[OneVoice]

Mine was a total deviant.  Cheating, S&M, choking , open relationships, and a Dominatrix obsession.  These BPDs are all 80% identical IMHO.

Too much for HNM to handle.  Glad to be rid of her.  She still tries to reengage every 3 to 4 weeks though.  GRRR.

 

Thank you for posting! My xBPDbf was totally into S&M, dominatrix, etc.  I thought there was something wrong with me, not adventurous in bed enough or something because I wasn't into that.  I tried it once, but I didnt' like it.  He told me he loved me and that I was the one within like a couple weeks  , hello? I didn't see it though, I was still infatuated.  He was totally obsessed with S&M though, every single time had to do something with it.  I just wanted normal sex, but started thinking there was something wrong with me, maybe I was too vanilla or something.     ugh makes me sick that I did things I would never do.  I am so glad to be done and am afraid of the re-engagements.

[forgetthepast]

Clearmind,

To answer your question, I would never want a threesome or an open relationship.  I think we all have fantasized about a threesome at some point, but for me, sex is intimacy.  If I am going to be intimate with someone, there is a reason for it.  Not just the physical act.  When I was in college, I would have told you a different story.  Threesome?  Hell Yeah!  Where do I sign up for that?  At this stage in my life, I am not looking for casual sex.  I am looking for an intimate connection with someone, someone I can share and give with.

Open relationships, to me, are not right eiher.  Not only do you risk getting STDs, but how can you trust that your significant other won't become involved emotionally with someone else through the act of sex?  Not only do I fear losing my partner through an open relationship, but I wouldn't feel right myself doing this.  I have more traditional views on relationships.  I am not a jealous person by nature, but when it comes to your partner being physical with someone else, I have a hard time with that because I place a VALUE on the physical connection with someone else.

[kimbers43]

Yes, my partner went on about it all the time. I have posted before about her wanting to be paid for sex etc. when we had sex it was rarley ever about just me and her, past partners came into it and possible new ones. After the sex had finished she went back to normal and it was never mentiond other than when we had sex. I won't use the term 'made love' as it was never about that. I am now aware she has been seeing someone while seeing me which makes me feel sick. She dropped hints about it but then would deny them afterwards. Glad to be rid of her and move on.

[OTB]

Seems odd because she was so insanely jealous and went ballistic when she even thought I was looking at another woman.  Why would they bring this up if the jealousy factor is so powerful? 

My ex brought that up quite a bit regarding threesomes.  In fact to the point I thought she was kidding.  The one night at the bar when she was visiting I played along and asked her if she wanted to take someone home.  Wow...did she get offended...that night didn't end well.  She became very jealous that I would want another woman.  I think she said it as a trap so she could say "you don't love me."

[kimbers43]

I think part of it all is them making you feel 'chosen' and special. They are saying they could have anyone if they wanted but they want you. So you go along with it thinking that you are great and the best they have ever had etc. She wanted to watch guys on webcam and things so i let her as it was me she ended up in bed with but in her mind it was them she was having sex with...

[bonnie]

6yrs ago i had never even heard of this disorder and now here i sit knowing so much about it and still there is not one day when i  dont shake my head in disbelief .there is millions and millions of people out there that have no idea this disorder even exists and here is all of us describing our lives to each other and all feeling like we all live with the one person.i suppose though its like someone having diabeties,the symptoms are generally alike from one person to the next...now yes,my ex never talked much about threesomes but always questioned how could any couple ever have an open relationship.he said to me one day how his therapist and him were talking about this topic.like so much its not till later that i really thought about why they would be talking about this...for me i later learnt that he had spoken to his doc about needing other women for attention and his doctor questioned him then if thats the case why not make this relationship an open one.the ironic thing is ,is he is so insanely jealous it could and would never happen.i feel and maybe some of u that had been cheated on will feel the same that it was like we were in an open relationship...we just didnt know.

[nylonsquid]

I think part of it all is them making you feel 'chosen' and special. They are saying they could have anyone if they wanted but they want you. So you go along with it thinking that you are great and the best they have ever had etc. She wanted to watch guys on webcam and things so i let her as it was me she ended up in bed with but in her mind it was them she was having sex with...

I remember her mentioning it early in the relationship. Can't remember in what way. I think she asked if I'd be interested or if I would. I told her that it wasn't my thing and seemed like an ego trip if anything. I told her I'm not against it but it's not my thing. I guess I dodged a bullet if this was a test. I think she said she's facinated by it and how people can do it. Then she told me how she's a one man woman. Believes in a relationship.

I'm so wierded out by all this. She's all about a relationship that's exclusive yet was in touch with a bunch of exes at the time and tried sleeping with one when we first started seeing each other. She never told me but I found out through pics. Oh yea, she loved taking private pics.

[luckystrikes]

sort of. she liked the idea in the heat of the moment, usually me and another girl, and/or her. have a feeling she wouldnt or couldnt have followed through, certainly neither could i. i wasnt too terribly bothered, fantasies are one thing, but it did strike me as unhealthy. she really liked me to say things to make her jealous. but she usually preferred it to be girls she was friends with and considered "safe", and otherwise knew i wasnt serious.