Did they ever talk about open relationships or threesomes?

[Think About It...]

Think we all have been conned into thinking its alright and normal on this. They make anything seem possible but its just control. They want to make sure you don't look else where and offer the moon to you but you never get to touch it. when they get bored and you begin to realise they are full of it they move on.

[kimbers43]

Think we all have been conned into thinking its alright and normal on this. They make anything seem possible but its just control. They want to make sure you don't look else where and offer the moon to you but you never get to touch it. when they get bored and you begin to realise they are full of it they move on.

[OneVoice]

Think we all have been conned into thinking its alright and normal on this. They make anything seem possible but its just control. They want to make sure you don't look else where and offer the moon to you but you never get to touch it. when they get bored and you begin to realise they are full of it they move on.

My exBPDbf would always say after or during an argument, "you are so close to me.  You are so close to having the miracle,"  I never knew what he meant, but after we broke up realized he was saying that he was incapable of giving himself fully to the relationship because of the BPD, so he would blame it on me and say "you are so close to having me" and then would blame me for the arguments saying I am close to having the intimate relationship.     That's really sad.  It's like dangling a carrot in front of a horse, but never giving the carrot to the horse.  IT's just cruel and sadistic.

[OneVoice]

I think they bring up such crazy things, to test you and to control the relationship.
And for sure their intimacy fear plays a big part also.
Mine was constantly testing me, and never please believe in what they say. I heard all this too, open relationship, threesomes with girls.. and when I was upset she brought the stupidest explanations, why she offered all this..

Like you say, healthy people have open relationships and all this stuff, I would have agreed because I am very tolerant. But you cant trust a BPD and that s the big problem! Their words usually don't fit with their actions. Its all about them, and their needs. Dont blame yourself, I should have run also.. but it took me 4 years to escape her insane world.

When we first met he wanted to go through my FB and guess who I had slept with.  I said I am not comfortable with this, but why dont' you tell me.  He ended up telling me an dloved to tell me who he was still talking with through FB or through his phone of past relationships.  It caused a lot of distrust for me and jealousy.  When I am with someoen I am just with that person...I am a Taurus, I am loyal and territorial.  I guess i can be kind of posessive, but it's what i value.  I value trust and monogamy.

[kimbers43]

The ex's are like throphys to them. They keep in touch with them all and like to make sure they all know how well they are doing and who they are with. They like this and it makes them feel in control. Thats the name of the game with them, control and attention.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Sofie]

My ex never voiced the desire for an open relationship or a threesome - rather on the contrary, she was very keen on hiding what I think were some seriously disturbing sexual fantasies of hers from me, because I think she was afraid she would scare me off. For my ex, I don't think it was the thought of having sex with multiple partners that had an allure - I think it was violent rape-like sex similar to the abuse she had suffered from her father as a child. Thank God, I don't have to deal with this anymore.

[nylonsquid]

My ex never voiced the desire for an open relationship or a threesome - rather on the contrary, she was very keen on hiding what I think were some seriously disturbing sexual fantasies of hers from me, because I think she was afraid she would scare me off. For my ex, I don't think it was the thought of having sex with multiple partners that had an allure - I think it was violent rape-like sex similar to the abuse she had suffered from her father as a child. Thank God, I don't have to deal with this anymore.

This is very interesting. My exuBPDgf liked when I dominated. She wanted me to call her names and mistreat her. A slap here, a slap there and other degrading things. I thought at the time that I liked her and didn't want to mistreat her but Im up for trying things if that's what she's into. It's interesting to know this is probably how she was treated when she was abused at some point. It's simulated rape really. I don't know about her past abuse though, still interesting.

[luckystrikes]

similar. it all grew into the "make me jealous" stuff. started with spanking. then she wanted to be slapped a bit. REALLY out of my element, but i tried it a little too. light stuff, but still. also wanted me to spit on her, but she got tired of that.

[SunflowerFields]

Involving other people in a sexual act or group sex is a perfect outlet for pwBPD. It involves intense sexual stimulation, intense fantasy, and the perfect way to engage in sexual acts while dissociating from real intimacy with their partner. Swinger clubs are composed of about 10% people who are there for exhibitionism/voyeurism as an added pleasure but otherwise healthy, and about 90% of those with intimacy issues. It is the epitome of a perfect playground and outlet for BPD intimacy issues.

[Sofie]

My ex never voiced the desire for an open relationship or a threesome - rather on the contrary, she was very keen on hiding what I think were some seriously disturbing sexual fantasies of hers from me, because I think she was afraid she would scare me off. For my ex, I don't think it was the thought of having sex with multiple partners that had an allure - I think it was violent rape-like sex similar to the abuse she had suffered from her father as a child. Thank God, I don't have to deal with this anymore.

This is very interesting. My exuBPDgf liked when I dominated. She wanted me to call her names and mistreat her. A slap here, a slap there and other degrading things. I thought at the time that I liked her and didn't want to mistreat her but Im up for trying things if that's what she's into. It's interesting to know this is probably how she was treated when she was abused at some point. It's simulated rape really. I don't know about her past abuse though, still interesting.

Exactly. I get light S&M, I get playing with dominant and submissive roles, but basically wanting to reenact incestuous childhood abuse with me in the role of the pedophile father figure is where it gets to creepy for me to be involved.

[darkstar]

When we first met he wanted to go through my FB and guess who I had slept with.  I said I am not comfortable with this, but why dont' you tell me.  He ended up telling me an dloved to tell me who he was still talking with through FB or through his phone of past relationships.  It caused a lot of distrust for me and jealousy.  When I am with someoen I am just with that person...I am a Taurus, I am loyal and territorial.  I guess i can be kind of posessive, but it's what i value.  I value trust and monogamy.

Interesting point here,
I am a Gemini, but I also do value trust and monogamy, but I can't stand drama, and drama was her life. Her value was her own happiness..her own happiness and her own happiness.. not matter what, she told me that!  3 of 4 years she came up with PMS, horoscope (shes Aries usually a good match for Gemini ) or tarot, to describe all her crazy behaviors, impulsive very hurtful actions and so on. I am very curious so I was into that too to figure it out and after a BPD relationship before her, I don't wanted to believe my gut... that I am dating another BPD already again or at least someone very emotional immature with high BPD traits.

@ forgetthepast very reasonable values I see it like you, Sex with a BPD can't be intimate for them, it would trigger their fear to a maximum, so they bring up the wildest things what you all read here from the others.

[Clearmind]

Clearmind,

To answer your question, I would never want a threesome or an open relationship.  I think we all have fantasized about a threesome at some point, but for me, sex is intimacy.  If I am going to be intimate with someone, there is a reason for it.  Not just the physical act.  When I was in college, I would have told you a different story.  Threesome?  Hell Yeah!  Where do I sign up for that?  At this stage in my life, I am not looking for casual sex.  I am looking for an intimate connection with someone, someone I can share and give with.

Open relationships, to me, are not right eiher.  Not only do you risk getting STDs, but how can you trust that your significant other won't become involved emotionally with someone else through the act of sex?  Not only do I fear losing my partner through an open relationship, but I wouldn't feel right myself doing this.  I have more traditional views on relationships.  I am not a jealous person by nature, but when it comes to your partner being physical with someone else, I have a hard time with that because I place a VALUE on the physical connection with someone else.

I agree with you! BPDs are boundary-less and to a certain extent we are too - otherwise we would have recognized that our boundaries were being busted and we would have acted ~ we didn't!

So I guess we can safely say that our BPD partners really opened our eyes into thinking about what is acceptable to us and what isn't. From your post forgetthepast, I would summarize that you are very clear now that threesomes and open relationships are not something you want to engage in - and this is a huge   for you. You have a boundary that you are clear on  .

Take BPD out of this and another woman could ask you for the same. This is not a BPD trait ~ it is a   though.

So in looking at the characteristics of a healthy relationship would you ignore this issue now?

[kimbers43]

My exgf was abused at 13 byt a family friend. At first she said it was rape, then it evolved into she led him on and that she liked it. She wanted me to act this out at times and would say she deserved it. she wanted rough sex a lot and didnt like to be stroked or touched softley or tickled. was all about the pain and being hurt with her.

[kimbers43]

i have to ask. Do any of you feel that normal sex will be enough after this? Did we really want all that stuff deep down or did they trick us into thinking if we gave it to them they would stay with us? I am scared abotu my next relationship because of this to be honest. I can't see my self being with anyone for a long time as it was just normal to talk dirty and do what she wanted as soon as sex started.

[soren]

My soon to be ex BPD wife controlled all the sex.  When we were first dating we had sex all the time and usually multiple times a night.  If I was ever too tired(after going 2 or 3 times) to go again she would get very angry and we'd fight about it for a day.  Then we would get a little rough and tell sex stories.  She was always into it and she initiated the majority of the time.  Then she started watching porn and buying vids/mags.  She talked about 3somes and swapping.  But as the relationship went on the sex declined.  Whenever I initiated it she never wanted it so i had to wait for her.  Now she says she did all those things for me and that she never wanted to do them.  She says im a porn addict(although there are only a few things in the house) but she doesnt realize she bought most of it!  

[kimbers43]

I can't help thinking after reading this site that maybe we are the problem and they are normal? If you don't like someting you move onto the next thing in everything else in life so why shouldnt it be in relationships? Maybe they love and then retract it a lot quicker than we do? i dunno im so hooked up on her i know its not normal all the while she is happy with someone else and shagging him while i have nothing.

[ellil]

The mood is so heavy and somber. It's sex. It's supposed to be pleasurable, it's supposed to be fun. Role playing has been around forever, as well as "talkin' dirty." Fantasies are just that: fantasies, and if you have two people who are both ok with it, heck, that's great in my book. If one party is uncomfortable and only placating the other for whatever reason, that's a huge problem.

When fantasy comes out of the bedroom (such as porn addictions, etc.), and interferes with other parts of life, like mistrust, etc., that's also a huge problem. But there isn't any shame in playing out fantasy in the bedroom between two people if it's part and parcel of other "types" of sex. Like, if every single time you do it rape has to be part of it--that's obviously indicative of a problem.

I'm 50 and may have a different view of it (after all these years, ) but I am absolutely 100% grateful for the sex life I had with my exBPDbf--it was nice to discover things weren't intrinsically bad if two people found it "fun." Porn doesn't do anything for me, and he actually stopped watching it when we were together because we were both more than satisfied with our sex life.

I'm also thinking someone without BPD that is well adjusted and confident and secure in himself will be equally as "fun" in that area of life.

Not everything was bad with the BPD 

M

[Clearmind]

I'm also thinking someone without BPD that is well adjusted and confident and secure in himself will be equally as "fun" in that area of life.

   I believe we can get carried away and split hairs when it comes to what is a BPD trait and what isn't. We also need to be mindful that topics like sex really is not so much a BPD trait it is a human trait ~ so it now becomes just a 'topic'.

Sex for anyone can be used as a weapon. Its a powerful tool which can be used to manipulate ~ by both men and women, BPD and 'non BPDs'. I have been in BPD and 'non BPD' r/s and to be honest I see very little difference.

For you ~ what is the difference between sex and intimacy? Can the two occur simultaneously?

[soren]

The sex and kinky things I did with my non's vs my BPD wife were all very similar.  The huge differces are: with nons, I could initiate and dictate the situations as well them but with my wife she controls everything. Also, my wife says she never enjoyed it and did it only for me.  The nons never said anything like that. The wife would also get very emotional afterwards and cry if we did something new sexually--although when the sex was initiated it was her controlling and dictating what happened.

[Applehead]

I honestly could never watch or participate in anything sexual involving anyone else other than me with anyone I care about.  I think when you go down that road you're begging for problems in your r/s.  Your thoughts and images in your head as well as your partners are very very important as to where your r/s is going.  I was a womanizer 20 years ago but I have been in r/s or by my self ever since and I think if you want true love and a best friend in life then engaging in 3somes will increase the percentages drastically of your r/s failing!  I believe that God exists and that the devil exists and our actions invite them in our lives, willing and unwillingly.  I don't want the devil in my life bc it's hard enough right now as it is!

[bpdlover]

Kimbers, you are NOT the problem. A child picks what he or she wants, plays with it, then discards it. You know relationships take commitment. They are not easy and it's those strong enough to face the tough times that withstand that test. You are hooked and need to broaden your understanding of what happened and support yourself through the healing. My ex has been gone almost two years. She basically cut and run. I don't know if she had another partner lined up but something was fundamentally off. The whole association was childish. You don't break up stacks of times and then rekindle. I have taken responsibility for attempting to fix this woman. My ex was also abused around the age of 13 so she recalled although she did not talk about it much. You mention that ex's are like trophies to them. It is a very good point. So are their children. Mine fell pregnant and six months later I was locked out of her life. She certainly hasn't come back thankfully, however there has been an RO on. Her second in a row to break up with a guy. We are the lucky ones and I think you know that somewhere deep down under all hurt and disbelief.