Are you hurting?

[Think About It...]

Are you hurting?

Most of us are...
Our souls are lost and bewildered, and we are in so much pain.
Connect with that feeling for a moment.



It's hard to want to give affection when you're hurt.
It's tough to want to connect when you feel so much frustration.
Who wants to be intimate after being told how wrong you are?


Now shift your focus.
Think about he person you love...
And as much as we are hurting...so are our partners...
They feel hurt by the misunderstandings.
They have a hard time wanting to be close after feeling hurt.
They don't want to be intimate with someone who doesn't appreciate them.


We aren't the only ones in pain.


We do have the power to change things for the better though.
It all begins with empathy and emotional validation.

The cycle of hurt can be broken if one person changes... Let that person be you  


Make a commitment to stop the dysfunctional dance.

Come up with one skill that can either stop making things worse, or that makes them better. And tell us what it is. Let's all share our power focus for the day.

[united for now]

Are you hurting?

Most of us are...
Our souls are lost and bewildered, and we are in so much pain.
Connect with that feeling for a moment.



It's hard to want to give affection when you're hurt.
It's tough to want to connect when you feel so much frustration.
Who wants to be intimate after being told how wrong you are?


Now shift your focus.
Think about he person you love...
And as much as we are hurting...so are our partners...
They feel hurt by the misunderstandings.
They have a hard time wanting to be close after feeling hurt.
They don't want to be intimate with someone who doesn't appreciate them.


We aren't the only ones in pain.


We do have the power to change things for the better though.
It all begins with empathy and emotional validation.

The cycle of hurt can be broken if one person changes... Let that person be you  


Make a commitment to stop the dysfunctional dance.

Come up with one skill that can either stop making things worse, or that makes them better. And tell us what it is. Let's all share our power focus for the day.

[toomanyeggshells]

Great post, it definitely puts things in perspective. I do know uBPDbf's hurting.  Sometimes he even expresses it "normally" (in ways that don't involve screaming and cursing at me). 

I think one way I can stop making things worse is to not engage him in the yelling and the put-downs ... try to keep myself calm and continue to walk away when I can't calm things down.  I think that validating his feelings is the way to begin to make things better (if that's even possible, but I'm willing to try).  (On a side note, I did great validating on an issue not behavior related.  He was very upset about some child support issues and I was really proud of myself for validating his feelings  ).

I'm really curious to read what others have to say to your post, UFN. 

[hithere]

I tried really hard to have empathy for my BPDex but it was so hard because after each rage session she would be like, 'life goes on, no big deal' and I would still be very hurt from the things I said and the horrible things she said to me.

I congratulate anyone that can keep their partners pain at the forefront because it will make it easier to forgive...but the problem is no matter how many times you forgive, 100 or 1000 there will alway be a next time and I think that is what broke me down.

[toomanyeggshells]

I tried really hard to have empathy for my BPDex but it was so hard because after each rage session she would be like, 'life goes on, no big deal' and I would still be very hurt from the things I said and the horrible things she said to me.

I can relate to that alot.  Once UBPDbf calms down after raging, he expects me to be ready to move forward when he is.  I don't work that way.  I need time but even that doesn't help much. The resentment I feel is very hard to deal with but I'm going to try ... again.

[artman.1]

Yes!  I have been Hurting for so very long, with a 43 year marriage, and her refusal of all Intimacy for the last 35+ years.  I discovered my Codependence last Jan 2011, and her UBPD.  Since then I have been studying the BPD, and Codependence.  I read about seven Melody Beattie Books about Codependence, and in Dec 2012 I joined CODA (Codependents Anonymous) and attend weekly Meetings.  I have never told my UBPDW that she has any problem, but that I am Codependent and need to work on that.  I learned that from my childhood by living in a disfunctional home with my Alcoholic Father, and my Enabling Mother.  That really stunted my childhood, learning to care for my disfunctional Father.  Then Married a BPD and lived with a disfunctional life ever since, so my entire life has been disfunctional, and I have never really known love.  Now that I am working on my Codependence, I am discovering my inner turmoil, and growing each day.  My love is beginning to come from within, even though I am in a loveless marriage.  I am telling you this as you may find peace through yourself and surrendering to your higher power.  The first stepof the CODA 12 steps is all about accepting that you are powerless over others, and the second half is all about detaching with Love.  I can tell that you have done most of this, and are further along.  We are reading Melody Beattie's Book, The guide to the Codepents CODA 12 Steps.  This book gives the examples that can be understood to help you apply the 12 steps in your own life.  Take a look at this Information, and I hope it helps you as much as it is helping me.  
     Working on me, has helped my RS with my UBPDW as well as establishing Boundries that involve leaving the rages, Humiliations, and Filthy Names.  I started going to 24 hr Fitness for about 5, or 6 hours each time, or leaving the room and going upstairs to the Confuzer Room.  Mainly it is just working on me that is helping, by learning Mindfullness, and validations, and Detaching with Love.  OH! I think I must add that I have been seeing a Therapist for the last year and half.

Art

[yeeter]

Yes, I am hurting. Some days more than others. A lot of tears.

I understand that my wife is hurting also.  More than me even ( so many things cause her hurt ).  I empathize, validate, and feel for her.

But.  Even though I feel for her, at some very basic levels I need to take care of me.  Some amount of attention to my own needs is healthy for both of us.  The trick is that, some things I can go without - but others I cannot, but can not expect to get these items from her.

I don't resent her for this.  She just isn't capable of giving me things. So I have a relationship that mirrors raising another child ( always catering and adapting to her needs )

I'm on a journey to find other sources... Not at all clear what is possible to find in other ways and what is not.

[united for now]

The intimacy and closeness we all seek is based on affection and acceptance. When you stop your side of the fight and instead work on hearing and understanding your partner pain, you are changing the dynamics. With less anger, there is less damage. With more acceptance, there comes more trust. Trust leads to the intimacy and affection you crave.

This does take time... Yet we know nothing changes without changes.

[FullMetal]

Very much so...

The wounds are still fresh from what I discovered, I'm working to move forward.  She has been so disconnected from me, with these emotions that I really had no opportunity for validation, for understanding, for even KNOWING about how she really felt.  She has been great at covering up these feeling from me.  It's the fact that she couldn't even remotely be honest with me that hurts the most. 

I'm extremely hurt right now, and it will take time to heal from what has transpired this past week, and I know that.  But I will heal.  I understand she's hurting, But after what I saw I'm very very hurt myself...

[SmileAnyway]

Great post thank you UfN,

For me, the biggest step forward I took was this:

   SEPARATE THE PERSON FROM THE CONDITION IN YOUR MIND!

   ACCEPT THE LIMITATIONS FROM MENTAL ILLNESS ARE AT LEAST EQUAL THOSE IN TO PHYSICAL ILLNESS

I can honestly say I love my wife, don't hate her, don't blame her - but the manifestation of her condition hurts... but its our choice to suffer, or accept and take care of our self.

[Steph]

 When things were terrible...before recovery and before separation, I would always hear " I DONT FEEL HEARD!"


WELL! I knew I heard him/understood and took every chance possible to let him know that I know exactly how he feels, how and why.

We all know how well that goes.

So, after years of him trying to tell me that he isnt being heard and me saying yes, you are, I understand, I know what you are saying and by the way, this isnt right, etc etc...he left me.

 And I found my way here...and FINALLY I saw, in others posts, just what he was talking about.

Emotional validation is truly what turned our separation around. He didnt believe me, at first, but after a few months, we were communicating and I was shocked to know that what I thought he was saying, wasnt it at all...

I cannot stress the importance of getting this skill..both your hurt and your partners will start to soothe..things will be less hot, and eventually, communication will be all around much, much better.

This is how I stopped my side of the dysfunction. When it truly dawned on me just how messed up I was, how I was contributing, I felt sad and scared and sorry...and relieved. Here was something in MY control..and what a difference it made.

 We still communicate this way now. Its natural and easy, and we are both great listeners now with one another. When something is hot or distressing, we LISTEN to the other..even after recovery, its gold!


Steph

[Marvin Martian]

UFN, Great post. And very timely. Perhaps an opportunity to refocus and put aside my pain for a while.

[Vatz]

I've been seeing a therapist to help deal with my self esteem and codependency.

I have also made attempts at being more validating toward my SO. Instead of either saying nothing, or calling her out on things, or responding aggressively-I have tried to use SET. I try to show empathy, I don't tell her how she's feeling, I just say something like "I get how you would respond that way, and I can't say I blame you." But I'd also include a truth statement. A while ago she gave me a list (probably six months ago) of artists/albums she'd eventually like to have. I lost those texts, part of it as my fault as I could have saved them. But I said "I don't have the texts and I WONT be able to recall all the stuff you wanted."

Well, she got angrier, and called me a name and instead of getting angry back or try to defend myself I sort of just apologized and said I'll do what I can. You know, in that instance it didn't take long for us to start acting all chummy again. Instead of that conversation dragging on, she raged a bit and then she was okay (as far as I know.) This conversation happened only a few weeks ago. Those texts were sent months ago.

Anyway, in this instance, I don't blame her for being upset, and I also admit that if I had gotten on it sooner-it wouldn't be a problem. Taking initiative is also a weakness so in a way, it's just as much my fault that the situation ended up there at all.

But the point is, I guess I'm trying to acknowledge my own role in the relationship. But more than that, I realize that I have my own deficiencies (emotional) that need to be worked on, and not just to satisfy the other person. I love her, but I know that I have to be stronger if this relationship can work out. Not just that but I have to be stronger so that if it DOESNT work out, I'll be able to keep my identity and self-respect. Love is ultimately respecting oneself and other enough to do the right thing. It's empathy and understanding that they suffer as well.

Someone posted on another thread a while back and it lit a lightbulb above my head. As angry or resentful I may feel, or as stressed out and scared I may be-my other is also suffering and just like me they need empathy and care. Not that I was treating my SO poorly before, and I want to note that I did show patience, care and a desire to treat the other with respect and love. But understanding and acceptance is something I have had trouble with. I've been running into posts like these (the ones with the "they suffer too" theme) rather often lately and maybe it's a sign that I may have been missing a component in my interactions with my SO (but more importantly, that it needs to be addressed.)

[Marvin Martian]

UFN, I spent some time reviewing what the hurt is about. I can handle when people say insulting, negative, incorrect things about-to me. But what really affects me is the knowledge that she is really hurting. I recently read some on Randi Kreiger's site, and it really brought it home how things feel for them. It wouldn't be fun having a someone you care about with a physical disorder that shuts them down. Why would it be any different for a emotional disorder.

[megocean]

Thank you to Vatz, for helping me better understand the T in SET, with your example.

And to UFN, for always making me think...

Yes, I hurt, but part of me hurts because I want my SO to do things he doesn't and not do things he does. (  My control stuff!) So, what I am working on is accepting him for who he is.

[united for now]

Both partners are hurting - just in different ways  ;p

When I feel hurt, I want to defend (fight)  or withdraw (flight).
Neither of these approaches helps my long term goals though. They lead to more distance and more disconnect, not the closeness and safety that I am seeking.

When I focus on my hurt and how unfair his treatment/attitude/behavior is, then I lose sight of him. My hurt drowns out my ability to feel empathy. When I'm hurting, I can't "hear" him. I can't "hear" his emotions. I can't "hear" his own hurt and pain.

Setting aside our own hurt doesn't happen in a snap, and it doesn't happen without some deep soul searching on our part. Developing empathy is work and it takes practice.

Yet aren't we asking our partners to do the same?

[yeeter]

Both partners are hurting - just in different ways  ;p

When I feel hurt, I want to defend (fight)  or withdraw (flight).
Neither of these approaches helps my long term goals though. They lead to more distance and more disconnect, not the closeness and safety that I am seeking.

When I focus on my hurt and how unfair his treatment/attitude/behavior is, then I lose sight of him. My hurt drowns out my ability to feel empathy. When I'm hurting, I can't "hear" him. I can't "hear" his emotions. I can't "hear" his own hurt and pain.

This is really relevant to me at the moment.  I see it.  I feel it happening.  I feel for my partner, and see she is hurting as well.

I can clear my own stuff for long enough to validate, and comfort her.  And focus on the things she is going through.

But then what?  I dont get anything back (NPD tendencies).  So I am left to self sooth the hurt.  I have been working on finding new and better ways to do this.  If not this (compassion, empathy, understand, acceptance), then exactly what am I getting out of the relationship?  Its something - but its not adequate for me to be happy staying in it (primarily because it blocks me from getting these needs filled elsewhere - I do want these things in my life and havent 'accepted' that I have to live the rest of my life without healthy interaction with another adult human...)

So how do you get back around to addressing your own hurts?  Do you just suck it up and swallow it all?  (Im not sure Im strong/tough enough for that route)

[Wanda]

Acceptance.. letting go of what was and accepting what is ,is all part of the puzzle to make it work.
 I know my husband hurts also, expecially when he is disregulated, so i don't engage, i do alot of walking away when things get to much for me. and i just need that break/
 i know what he says he doesn't mean
 it is part of this disease ,sometimes he doesn't remember what he said, due to being so mad.
   and for me sticks and stones may break my bone, but words never hurt me...
 if they start to hurt i leave the situation.
 

[toomanyeggshells]

I can clear my own stuff for long enough to validate, and comfort her.  And focus on the things she is going through.

But then what?  I dont get anything back (NPD tendencies).  So I am left to self sooth the hurt.  I have been working on finding new and better ways to do this.  If not this (compassion, empathy, understand, acceptance), then exactly what am I getting out of the relationship?  Its something - but its not adequate for me to be happy staying in it (primarily because it blocks me from getting these needs filled elsewhere - I do want these things in my life and havent 'accepted' that I have to live the rest of my life without healthy interaction with another adult human...)

So how do you get back around to addressing your own hurts?  Do you just suck it up and swallow it all?  (Im not sure Im strong/tough enough for that route)

Great points Yeeter.  I feel the same way.  I'm trying so, so hard to be compassionate to uBPDbf, to keep his feelings in mind and not make things worse, but what about me.  He's never going to change and will never admit he has any problem whatsoever so do I accept that this is how its going to be forever (or as long as I stay)?  Its a very hard thing to accept.  I wish someone would have an answer for what you wrote.

The more I think about it, I guess we have to decide for ourselves if its possible to live the way we live.  I ask myself all the time - what am I getting out of this r/s? My answer is always the same - pretty much nothing.     Then why am I still with him?  Either I haven't gotten the courage to leave or I don't really want to - depending on the day, I can feel either way.  I just really wish my work in keeping my side of the street clean would make him better.  Maybe if I hang in there long enough and keep working at it, it will help but I just don't know.

[yeeter]

Well too many,

I know my wife is not going to fundamentally change who she is.  Acceptance

We can work on some thing to make tactical interactions less volatile.

But it's not enough for me.  I am trying to figure out how much of what I need can be filled while still in the marriage, knowing that it won't come from her.  And how much I have to learn to do without.


We get something out of staying.  For me it's a combination of stubbornness, genuine concern over my children, my desire to remain in their lives on a regular basis, and absolute fear about just how crazy things would be with her as an ex trying to coparent. ( to a large dgree it would mean minimal contact with my kids, just to minimize her crazy making )

I'm working on getting real clear with myself just what I do get out of the relationship ( both good things and dysfunctional things on my own part ). It feels like if I could clarify these things it would help me move forward

[united for now]

Many of us are struggling to reconnect with our partners, due to all the hurt we've experienced.

What if our partners are struggling with the same problems?

What if they fear becoming vulnerable "with US" due to being hurt by us?

Offering them compassion and empathy is the first step.
As they feel safer and more secure in not being hurt, that is where they will begin to offer us what we need. This second step will take time to bloom.  Wish it happened as quickly as we want. It won't. Trust is fragile, and our partners take longer than normal to de-escalate.

Now compassion and empathy needs to be also aimed at ourselves. We should never sit through abuse in an effort to show our partners empathy. We have to respect out own values in keeping ourselves safe. We can't sacrifice ourselves in the effort.