so confused

[Think About It...]

Hi
After his birthday yesterday and no contact from him during that time, despite the fact we were ok prior to that.  I called him today and asked him why he was ignoring me.  He said the battery was low on his phone- I said you could have called the flat or the restaurant from a landline so it was really no excuse.  I let him know I wasn't happy at being excluded for the first time in 10 years together.  He did apologise but, if I am honest, it didn't feel like a genuine reason for not being in touch.  Later I texted him.  I have copied the messages for you all to read, as I am confused by them.  The missing talking to me, missing his best friend part- is that all I am to him now or is that his way of saying maybe he feels the same as me?  We have had this converstaion before.  He seemed to think being best friends was an issue in a relationship wheras I said to him I see it as a bonus.  Not often in our lives we get the chance to be in relationship where you can be lovers and friends not either or.  Here is the message- any input greatfully recieved.

me: sorry for being grumpy!  last days have been hard being excluded when I used to be part of your family and your life

him: thats ok.  My fault. should have thought about charging my phone. sorry.

me:I hate sometimes that I make you think I am angry when really I am just hurt.  but you probably know that about me anyway.

him: Yes. I know sometimes you have problems expressing yourself...

me: Don't you too?  Maybe thats why we are in this situation now.

him: I know

me: Text me tonight when you finish if you want.  I missed it last couple of days.

him: ok I will if its not too late

me: have I ever said it was too late?

him: no but I do sometimes

me: what you mean? The time I texted you? If you are up you can text.  If I am asleep I wont reply.  If you don't want to I can't force you.

him: i've moaned about the time before.  thats what I meant

me: I know you were a grumpy git.

him:

me: ok have a good shift, maybe later?

him: ta. ok if not, tomorrow def

me: ok. I might have trouble expressing myself sometimes.  But I do miss you even though I try not to. sorry

him: thats ok

me: not the reply I had hoped for I guess.

him: I missed talking to you

me:just talking? just asking?

him: yes. missed talking to you. x

me: so you don't miss seeing me? thats sad for me.

him: I miss seeing you too.  I miss my best friend. x

me: me too. more than you can imagine.

him: x

me: ok get ready for work before I start crying again.

him: ok. text you later. x

me: ok bye

him: bye x

[amandar2000]

Hi
After his birthday yesterday and no contact from him during that time, despite the fact we were ok prior to that.  I called him today and asked him why he was ignoring me.  He said the battery was low on his phone- I said you could have called the flat or the restaurant from a landline so it was really no excuse.  I let him know I wasn't happy at being excluded for the first time in 10 years together.  He did apologise but, if I am honest, it didn't feel like a genuine reason for not being in touch.  Later I texted him.  I have copied the messages for you all to read, as I am confused by them.  The missing talking to me, missing his best friend part- is that all I am to him now or is that his way of saying maybe he feels the same as me?  We have had this converstaion before.  He seemed to think being best friends was an issue in a relationship wheras I said to him I see it as a bonus.  Not often in our lives we get the chance to be in relationship where you can be lovers and friends not either or.  Here is the message- any input greatfully recieved.

me: sorry for being grumpy!  last days have been hard being excluded when I used to be part of your family and your life

him: thats ok.  My fault. should have thought about charging my phone. sorry.

me:I hate sometimes that I make you think I am angry when really I am just hurt.  but you probably know that about me anyway.

him: Yes. I know sometimes you have problems expressing yourself...

me: Don't you too?  Maybe thats why we are in this situation now.

him: I know

me: Text me tonight when you finish if you want.  I missed it last couple of days.

him: ok I will if its not too late

me: have I ever said it was too late?

him: no but I do sometimes

me: what you mean? The time I texted you? If you are up you can text.  If I am asleep I wont reply.  If you don't want to I can't force you.

him: i've moaned about the time before.  thats what I meant

me: I know you were a grumpy git.

him:

me: ok have a good shift, maybe later?

him: ta. ok if not, tomorrow def

me: ok. I might have trouble expressing myself sometimes.  But I do miss you even though I try not to. sorry

him: thats ok

me: not the reply I had hoped for I guess.

him: I missed talking to you

me:just talking? just asking?

him: yes. missed talking to you. x

me: so you don't miss seeing me? thats sad for me.

him: I miss seeing you too.  I miss my best friend. x

me: me too. more than you can imagine.

him: x

me: ok get ready for work before I start crying again.

him: ok. text you later. x

me: ok bye

him: bye x

[survivalmode27]

This is just my opinon which maybe I am missing something, but it seems like you were pushing him to tell you things that you wanted to hear. With my experience with BPs that is not something they handle well.

Why were you not invited to the birthday? Are you guys taking a break?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[amandar2000]

Hi
after 10 years together he decided, within about 2 hours, he didn't want to be with me anymore.  Maybe I was pushing him for things I wanted to hear, but he didn't have to say them if he didn't want to.  I am trying to figure out where i stand in all of this, is the hurt worth going through again and again or is there maybe something still there that we can work through together.

[survivalmode27]

Is there somebody else? He could still feel those things on some level and that is why he is saying them. If it is somebody else he will more than likely move on and forget about this relationship until the other person does something to upset him and then possibly come back.

If it is not somebody else, he has probably just shutdown to avoid feeling. That is why he was basically just feeding you the response you were giving him. If you really want to make it work then try to show him you love him without expecting anything in return or smoothering him. Tell him you think it is worth trying and love him very much in person, not through text. This way you can gauge the response. He may be looking for signs that you love him and is not getting them, remember BPD need reassurance you love them at all times. Even if you feel you are showing them. After 10 years the gitty explosive love has usually fizzled.


My BPDh of 10 years told me yesterday he wanted a divorce. So I completely feel what you are going through right now. He told me it would not work because we were headed in different ways and it was not worth trying anymore.

They love you one day and hate you the next. Mine is so disgusted with me today he can not bare to look at me. A week ago he was planning for our future, long term future.

[Rise]

Dear, I'm not trying to be harsh, but have you really listened to what he's saying? Is it possible that you are confused because you don't want to accept what he's telling you? He doesn't seem to be irrational, manipulative, or intentionally hurtful in his messages. If anything, it appears to me that you are pushing to get the responses you want out of him, and he's telling you what you want to hear because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. Has he ever directly come out and said he wants to pursue a romantic relationship again?

You aren't together right now. You can't hold him to the same level of expectations that you had when you were. It's not fair to either of you and it's only going to build resentment on both sides. If he is not seeking communication with you, sometime the best thing you can do is just let it be. You two were together for a long time, and although it may seem counter-intuitive, just because he was the one that ended things, it doesn't mean he doesn't have his own emotional baggage to deal with. That doesn't mean that he wants to be with you right now. It just means he has his own emotions to resolve over the situation, and he probably needs time and space to do so.

Can I ask what it is that you want? Do you want to make things work with him? Or do you want to move on? What are your needs at this time? What are your goals?

Sometimes the best things we can do in situations like this, is stop worrying about the other person, and use this time to focus on ourselves. Take this time to explore yourself, and grow. I know how hard it can be letting go of a relationship that has been such a large part of your life for so long. But sometimes it's the best thing we can do for ourselves. This site has many wonderful resources on dealing with the end of a relationship with a person with BPD. They can be a big help. Relationships involving BPD can be very intense, and it's not a simple thing healing from the hurt caused by them. Talking to a therapist yourself may also be a good avenue to explore.

I know how hard it can be losing such an important part of our lives. I wish you the best of luck, and hope you find your answers soon.

[amandar2000]

Hi
thanks for your replies.  I don't think there is anyone else unless its a LDR he has started.  He has told me he doesnt see us as a couple, at the moment, but itsnt sure and doesnt want to get my hopes up.  If I could see him in person I would, but I am in a different city at the moment.  We did see each other about a week after the breakup, that was when he said it was the best few days we had in a long time.  We have split before, years ago, with pretty much the same thing being said by him.  at that time we lived in the same city, although he moved out, it was easier for us to keep seeing each other.  Then it was mainly him, phoning me, texting or just turning up at my shop.  This time has hit me harder, as I am in a country where I don't even speak the language.  I don't want to push him further away, but as I can't see him face to face at them moment, texts and calls are all we have.  He knows I love him, he says he still loves me but is not in love with me right now.  I don't want what limited contact we have to just be- what did you have for dinner, hows work etc.. because then he might feel I am not caring as much as I do.
Hope that makes sense.
thanks

[Summer73]

Being in a BPD relationship is very confusing...they have problems regulating their emotions...i have been with my BPD bf for seven years within that time he has "switched off" so to speak towards me and has texted me differently and i have sensed something is up and i have been right there has been someone else...usually from my experiences when they tend to behave differently it usually means that there is someone else but that is from what i have experienced with my BPD bf...thinking of you...i understand the confusion