Hey Colourguy Hi!
I think I suffered with PTSD after years and years of utterly disgusting accusations, cruel taunts and rows that would leave me bewildered and broken. My symptoms started after I'd left him at the 15 yr point, gone back after my needs and wishes 'appeared' to be met and promises made... Ie my boundaries and myself respected... No more negative treatment, thoughts or living conditions...Unity and trust... Independence for me... Friends and family welcome... You get the picture? I believed I had that for 2 yrs, but it all came flooding back when I triggered him by asking for too much in the form of a will and joint home.
Mr Niceguy disappeared and I was once again the devil incarnate. The rug was pulled from beneath my feet, the words that made me feel safe evaporated and were replaced with vicious taunts, terrible accusations and personal attacks. Then he'd be nice and thought I could just let it slide, accept his view of me and carry on 'doing' at the expense of my esteem, hopes and value.
I'd have sweat inducing nightmares where our rows played over and over again. I was terrified to move some days, filled with anger, broken at having believed him, only to find out that hed been acting and I'd allowed him to dupe me into a fantasy world. His face was evil, his words cut deep ... And then he'd be as nice as pie again? I didn't know which way was up. Scratch the surface and there he was... Spitting vile taunts, making threats to me and my family, promising to make my worst nightmares come true if I left him again, he'd take the children, have me committed. It was awful.
I had days when I just sat in the corner and shook if he came near me. He didn't understand. He was being nice? Why was I such a mess? He'd ask me why I was upset... I'd tell him, we'd row... Motion perpetuated. I stopped telling him, which annoyed him. I didn't need evicting or insulting for stating my needs and wishes, which were normal. I was treated like I was less than human.
In the early years, I could quickly move past his wicked words and thoughts, but as time went on, the 'get over it' took longer and longer. I stopped believing that things would ever be different, came to realise that whatever I did, it wouldn't be enough and if I sat a polygraph every day, I'd still be a lying cheating dirtbag, one way or another. Breathing felt complicated some days. I was totally and utterly destroyed.
I had my first panic attack in the middle of town, because a 4x4 had tooted at me and I was held accountable for things like that. I couldn't relax, sleep easy or make decisions. I woke up sweating, sometimes screaming and lost weight. The terror I felt when he came near me was dreadful, for both of us. He would not accept any responsibility for the situation, refused to acknowledge that he had hurt me, thought I deserved it and that he had a right to behave that way towards me. In giving me responsibility for the abuse I was suffering, he amplified the ramifications and the rows magnified.
I lost myself. My mind was bent in so many ways, I barely knew my own name some days. I don't know what your answer is, distance may be the only way. In the meantime, lean on the Dom vi team, keep a journal (if you dare!), see your doctor and please know that what you are going through are normal emotions in an abnormal situation... That's what PTSD is. Complex PTSD... A gradual build up until your mind and body has reached its max.
Strength to you
. It's so very hard to walk on eggshells and landlines, in a room full of trap doors.
