Beyond 'push-pull', will a pwBPD really leave us ?

[Think About It...]

I have read in other posts that BPDs may push us away but they never leave. I am currently being given the silent treatment by my dBPD SO, and I have at last learnt to stop persuing her by sending numerous texts and getting no answer . I have found that after a few days she will usually reach out.  I have also stopped apologising for things that I haven't done and I have ignored her abusive e.mails.  She hasn't wanted to see me in four weeks at this point, this is out of character for her and I am wondering whether the push part of the 'push-pull' cycle can extend into actually leaving me ? 

 ?

[tryingtohelp]

I have read in other posts that BPDs may push us away but they never leave. I am currently being given the silent treatment by my dBPD SO, and I have at last learnt to stop persuing her by sending numerous texts and getting no answer . I have found that after a few days she will usually reach out.  I have also stopped apologising for things that I haven't done and I have ignored her abusive e.mails.  She hasn't wanted to see me in four weeks at this point, this is out of character for her and I am wondering whether the push part of the 'push-pull' cycle can extend into actually leaving me ? 

 ?

[redfeather]

Yes the push part can include actually leaving us. Especially if the pwBPD is with a new person now in the honeymoon/idealiztion phase.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[desertbuck]

Although the "push-pull" behavior is one of the traits of BPD, each individual afflicted with the disorder reacts differently.  Often, the "push" is an attempt at validation.  They need us to pursue them so that we can "prove" our love.  Once we do this, they begin to "pull" us back into the relationship.  Unfortunately, this doesn't usually last long.  Once they start feeling too comfortable in the relationship, their abandonment anxiety increases and the cycle repeats.  This can go on for years.  However, if we get painted black, the "push" can be permanent.  I believe that your approach, however, is very good.  You are setting a boundary and making it clear that the abusive behavior will not be tolerated.  You are also breaking the cycle of conflict by refusing to engage.  If you are going to try and make the relationship work, boundary setting is critical.

[tryingtohelp]

I think at the moment I have been painted very black as I dared to criticise one of her 'guy friends' who is giving her lots of 'advice' to stay away from me. 

She then sent some  messages  ordering me to take back what I said about him.  I have refused,  whereas previously I always apologised profusely while she stood there with hands on hips talking down to me , basically the Queen talking down to her peasant.   Now I have shrugged off her behaviour , whith very basic replies like  'whatever' , and now I have stopped responding altogether, after 3 days NC she has tried again .  She is SO used to me crawling back for more abuse, simply because I was afraid she'd dump me .   What I find hard to deal with is accusations of things I haven't even done,  or distortions of events that are simply bizarre, for which I get called obscene names.

This will bring me to another topic.   Hi!

[jdogg75]

      I'm new here and my current situation is in parallel to this one at the moment. My xBPDgf has tried to re-institute the cycle for the past few months.

    I have tried to stay clear away for the reasons to not get caught up in the cycle until I have resent my brain and to see things more objectively in which I am ready. Also without a doubt that the rate in which she goes through men are expontential and that she has found someone else . Her longest relationships are with abusive men and men who are already attached or only seek fun.

    Once I sensed the engulfment and her splitting became evident, being who I am and going through this before (I was engaged to a person with bipolar disorder) I sensed from the beginning her Uniqueness. Once the devaluation started (her friggin roommate added fuel to her insecurities) the inevitable took place. I didn't leave I just knew I had to take a step back for my own health and not give her any justification for real guilt in our relationship which she displayed.
well either way was a no-win. I took advantage of the short time we were together to not reinforce bad behavior. I know for a fact that during this time it was the most realization she had for positive change.

     I just need links or insight on trying to go back to the idealization stage. I believe I have a special bond. She revealed all her schemas to me. I even met the "healthy adult." and spent a great deal with the abandoned child. Seeing all of her and her cognitive distortions almost broke me...it did partly, mostly my heart.

[Gaslit]

I just need links or insight on trying to go back to the idealization stage.

Yeah, you're gonna need a time machine for any re-idealization that lasts for more than 24 hours.

[an0ught]

I just need links or insight on trying to go back to the idealization stage.

Yeah, you're gonna need a time machine for any re-idealization that lasts for more than 24 hours.

 

Joking aside people suffering from BPD can indeed leave. Like any other relationship it can break. Whether it is more likely or not is not so clear. What is often true is that a pwBPD suffers from attachment problems which present themselves here on the board in two directions: Some struggle to form a stable attachment and some struggle with letting go. Attachment problems are also quite common with us nons. The way people form and resolve relationships is mostly fairly stable and is not just linked to romantic relationships.

Getting back to the idealization stage is not likely and taking a step back not desirable either. Some temporary white painting and joining in the shared excitement (dare I say madness or dysregulation  ) of falling in love is great - but not a sustainable experience.

I think at the moment I have been painted very black as I dared to criticise one of her 'guy friends' who is giving her lots of 'advice' to stay away from me. 

Don't blame them. Likely she is seeking this advice and it primarily reflects the vibes she is radiating.

She then sent some  messages  ordering me to take back what I said about him.  I have refused,  whereas previously I always apologised profusely while she stood there with hands on hips talking down to me , basically the Queen talking down to her peasant.   Now I have shrugged off her behaviour , whith very basic replies like  'whatever' , and now I have stopped responding altogether, after 3 days NC she has tried again .  She is SO used to me crawling back for more abuse, simply because I was afraid she'd dump me .   What I find hard to deal with is accusations of things I haven't even done,  or distortions of events that are simply bizarre, for which I get called obscene names.

It may be worth validating her. She is extremely angry, upset, embarrassed about your remarks etc.. She may need to feel you heard her being upset  more than needing an apology. It is ok if she is upset even if you don't understand it and feel different about the facts. This is less about facts and more about emotions - at least for her. And if you continue to have a relationship with her you got to accept that her view of the world is primarily emotional and different from yours.

The push-pull is as much a feature of BPD as it is a feature of a relationship in which a pwBPD and a co-dependent person is engaged. And as we are humble 50% of the relationship and have 50+% of the emotional maturity to our disposal we have some control over this dynamic. The sticky LESSONS at the top of the staying board contains a set collections of skills that help decreasing the push-pull dynamic.

[xeon]

Sure they can... there are many stories on this site where they do just that.  My personal experience with my wife is a partial attempt... sort of dual life if you will on her part. 

They tend to recycle many of their past partners in some way though, but the question is do you want to be part of it?  Have YOU moved on? 

[oscarkool]

Validation isn't really worth learning imo. If it was such a useful tactic, we wouldn't be having these problems with our BPD partners.

The absolute best solutions you can do when your partner wants to leave is to let them. Don't react, don't do anything emotional, don't get sensitive, just let them go. The less you do, the quicker they return. As stated above, people with BPD are either constant leavers or constant attachers meaning that the fear of abandonment either keeps them constantly leaving or super needy and clingy. If they were in the middle, then they would be normal

You reacted by sending out emails, texts every day, saying mean things. The more you do things like this, the higher the chance that she won't come back to you (nor would any normal girl). She might not even have BPD. Sending out emails and texts and telling her to stop taking advice from another friend of hers is simply just rude and no normal person enjoys this. If a girl did that to me, I'd never talk to her again.

The advice I always give to people when their partner's randomly go cold and leave is to simply not make a big deal about it. Just send them one text message 24 hours later or something and ask them how they are and leave it at that. Judge on their response. If it's a cold response, give a 1 or 2 word reply or no reply at all and go NC. Make them reach out to you first no matter what. Go work on your hobbies. Dating a girl that is constantly leaving and fearing attachment is much different than dating a clinger. Either way, a relationship with a BPD is tough because they are never in the middle. There really is nothing more annoying than spending a few fun days with your partner only to have them go cold right after...

[JudasKiss]

Yes they will leave, but they will always come back.  Mine left me for a replacement, but has since tried to come back several times.

[lastwave]

Yes they will leave, but they will always come back.  Mine left me for a replacement, but has since tried to come back several times.

I agree and can share that I was left for an "old flame" only I was never really left. She started calling and texting after two days and finally got all three of us invited to party which we went to together. She needed me to keep him on his toes to and to triangulate her new relationship. He left shortly after that and we were back at the beginning, more or less, and now this is happening again...They nearly always come back but they always have an agenda that fits their needs when they do...

[Rayw]

My SO has terminated our relationship (3rd time in 18 months) a week ago - she took offence at me opting out for day after she told me in a text it was over as I had caused all the grief in her life!
However, she wants us to remain good close friend sand was offended when i didn't advise her what I was up to over the past few days? She took offence when I said we were supposed to be parted ? I am not sure a half way type relationship is the best way to go ?

[tryingtohelp]

The absolute best solutions you can do when your partner wants to leave is to let them. Don't react, don't do anything emotional, don't get sensitive, just let them go. The less you do, the quicker they return.

I think oscarkool is onto it with the above, and this also applies to many of the other behaviours we have to cope with as well, only I find it so hard to do! to actually 'not react' seems to be one of the best methods but the hardest for me to adhere to !  The pattern seems to be: She does or says something that upsets me, I react, this upsets her , she reacts with more of it and so do I . Then I feel bad, and regret something I said , then fear I'll never hear from her again, it's all over etc, the bottom falls out of my world,  then next morning I get a text as if nothing happened, and I heave a sigh of relief...till the next session.   You'd think after nearly 5 years I might have learned how to change this but hey !