Blamed for being a defective person.

[Think About It...]

Hey all. I have been feeling bad recently after having gone from NC to LC. My soon to be xWife seems to be incredibly adept at making me feel like crap.

I met her online. Had a LDR for a year and a half. Got married. Gave up job, home, friends, fam, country to move 3k miles to Canada to be with her.

After 4-6 weeks she ends my marriage twice (after displaying major BPD issues) I had lost my last parent 6 months before, was homesick, depressed, and generally just in a weakend condition. I had put my life in her hands and trusted her to be there to support me and help me transition as we built our life together. - it was a lie.

She was also kind enough to write me a 3 page letter of her grievances with me after the 3rd week. I "talked" to her about it for hours, but she became resentful since she did not "see" me do anything to address her concerns. Even then the expectation was somewhat abusive in itself.

It was not a "we" discussion rather it was "you are not the man I married." You are broke and need to fix yourself so you can keep your wife happy, because she deserves the best of everything. If you do not meet her needs/expectations She will have no choice but to end our marriage. Nothing like self improvement with a gun to your head.

I had no understanding about PD and had no clue what was going on at the time. Her push-pull was not interpreted as such and was devastating because of my dependence on this woman to provide basic necessities that I was unable to obtain due to my immigration status. Concerns which meant nothing to her. She seemed to feel that it was ok to destroy me as long as I allowed it to show my love for her.

I told her I no longer felt "safe" living with her and got her to agree to a temporary separation while I went back to the states to figure out what the hell was happening. i had every intent of going back to her but it never happened.

She went back on our agreement, labeled me a wife abandoner, ended my marriage for good and was dating weeks after with ZERO attempt to work on our marriage. - Despite my best efforts for almost 45 days straight.

Now I am coming to grips with my own codependency issues that brought me to this place. However, under all this she did have "normal" relationship grievances.

I had attempted to maintain some contact initially using SET/validation but to no avail. She still blames me for everything.

In learning about BPD and understanding my own codependent traits, I had mistakenly confessed that I likely had codependent tendencies.

That is yet another "defect" that I should have fixed. I am blamed for my lack of awareness about this, blamed for having been depressed, grieving to an extent, not adjusting to a new life in a new country and for being homesick, blamed for not adjusting to cohabitation for the first time in 10 years, blamed for not "proving" my love by "fixing myself" when she requested. She also became verbally/emotionally abuse and it made everything worse.

The problem I now have is that - none of her accusations are false. I am accountable for my own well being. But was I also wrong for expecting something like love, support, and understanding from my spouse on those issues?

Or am I just displacing my own accountability?

I have been back "home" for 3 months now (rebuilding my life) and my homesickness has started to go away. It seems like most of what I was going through personally would have just taken a little longer than 4 weeks to resolve.

I went online to see how "normal" or "healthy" people view those with some codependent traits (I meet about 2-3 criteria) I was shocked to see how many people shared my wife's view.

- We deserve people without "issues" its their fault and they should fix themselves before wasting our precious time in relationships. - Are there really that many people who think of themselves as being perfect?

Do people just go around ending relationships and marriages when their partner hits some tough times or brought some baggage with them into the r/s? My wife and apparently a lot of the online populace think its ok to drop a "broken" partner.

I have always been a pretty understanding guy and I have no expectations of false perfection in others. Am I wrong about this?

If I am not - then what the hell is wrong with everyone else?

I have hit a major obstacle in my recovery because of this. I originally felt pretty confident that I would go back to being the happy, strong, confident guy I was before my brainwashing in the land of OZ.

The problem is that I feel like my wife has given me cancer of the soul. And it is eating away at me every day of NC.

I don't even know if the guy I thought I was ever existed or if I am truly so defective and in need of a lifetime of therapy and self help books just to create the illusion of being "normal."

I am haunted by the last words from her.

"you were not just a husband but a man, a human being...did it not occur to you, that my wife is sleeping by herself? That I want to be laying next to her, sleeping? No, it never did. Like I have said before, you want and need a manual or be told like some child  what to do. I hope that you talk about this in your counseling session to help you understand why you do this."

I had insomnia and went to bed later than her or stayed up late to work so I wouldn't take away from "our" time during the evening. This is the response I got. I can understand being perturbed but to an extent. Well she also hit me when I snored - so does this make me a crap husband?

Or would that be the type of thing that should be openly discussed by "healthy" people who are able to voice their needs and not sit silently while building resentment.

"you came with a lot of baggage that should have been taken care before we met and/or communicated. I hope that you continue your therapy to become healthy for yourself and whoever you meet next"

That one is what really gets me (and it shouldn't since it is coming from someone that likely has a cluster B disorder.) It is the most passive form of the blame game. And months of this have undermined my core sense of self to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I have been in therapy for 3 months now with two different counselors and have yet to even address my own codependency because I am too busy trying to heal from living with her for 6 weeks and the guilt that i probably wrongly feel for leaving this marriage for what should have been a few weeks - she turned it against me so now I feel like I just destroyed my marriage because of my selfish need to regain my sanity and safety.

I lost EVERYTHING in this marriage but the worst is that I feel I lost myself in the process.

Thanks for listening - R

[Fenghuang]

Hey all. I have been feeling bad recently after having gone from NC to LC. My soon to be xWife seems to be incredibly adept at making me feel like crap.

I met her online. Had a LDR for a year and a half. Got married. Gave up job, home, friends, fam, country to move 3k miles to Canada to be with her.

After 4-6 weeks she ends my marriage twice (after displaying major BPD issues) I had lost my last parent 6 months before, was homesick, depressed, and generally just in a weakend condition. I had put my life in her hands and trusted her to be there to support me and help me transition as we built our life together. - it was a lie.

She was also kind enough to write me a 3 page letter of her grievances with me after the 3rd week. I "talked" to her about it for hours, but she became resentful since she did not "see" me do anything to address her concerns. Even then the expectation was somewhat abusive in itself.

It was not a "we" discussion rather it was "you are not the man I married." You are broke and need to fix yourself so you can keep your wife happy, because she deserves the best of everything. If you do not meet her needs/expectations She will have no choice but to end our marriage. Nothing like self improvement with a gun to your head.

I had no understanding about PD and had no clue what was going on at the time. Her push-pull was not interpreted as such and was devastating because of my dependence on this woman to provide basic necessities that I was unable to obtain due to my immigration status. Concerns which meant nothing to her. She seemed to feel that it was ok to destroy me as long as I allowed it to show my love for her.

I told her I no longer felt "safe" living with her and got her to agree to a temporary separation while I went back to the states to figure out what the hell was happening. i had every intent of going back to her but it never happened.

She went back on our agreement, labeled me a wife abandoner, ended my marriage for good and was dating weeks after with ZERO attempt to work on our marriage. - Despite my best efforts for almost 45 days straight.

Now I am coming to grips with my own codependency issues that brought me to this place. However, under all this she did have "normal" relationship grievances.

I had attempted to maintain some contact initially using SET/validation but to no avail. She still blames me for everything.

In learning about BPD and understanding my own codependent traits, I had mistakenly confessed that I likely had codependent tendencies.

That is yet another "defect" that I should have fixed. I am blamed for my lack of awareness about this, blamed for having been depressed, grieving to an extent, not adjusting to a new life in a new country and for being homesick, blamed for not adjusting to cohabitation for the first time in 10 years, blamed for not "proving" my love by "fixing myself" when she requested. She also became verbally/emotionally abuse and it made everything worse.

The problem I now have is that - none of her accusations are false. I am accountable for my own well being. But was I also wrong for expecting something like love, support, and understanding from my spouse on those issues?

Or am I just displacing my own accountability?

I have been back "home" for 3 months now (rebuilding my life) and my homesickness has started to go away. It seems like most of what I was going through personally would have just taken a little longer than 4 weeks to resolve.

I went online to see how "normal" or "healthy" people view those with some codependent traits (I meet about 2-3 criteria) I was shocked to see how many people shared my wife's view.

- We deserve people without "issues" its their fault and they should fix themselves before wasting our precious time in relationships. - Are there really that many people who think of themselves as being perfect?

Do people just go around ending relationships and marriages when their partner hits some tough times or brought some baggage with them into the r/s? My wife and apparently a lot of the online populace think its ok to drop a "broken" partner.

I have always been a pretty understanding guy and I have no expectations of false perfection in others. Am I wrong about this?

If I am not - then what the hell is wrong with everyone else?

I have hit a major obstacle in my recovery because of this. I originally felt pretty confident that I would go back to being the happy, strong, confident guy I was before my brainwashing in the land of OZ.

The problem is that I feel like my wife has given me cancer of the soul. And it is eating away at me every day of NC.

I don't even know if the guy I thought I was ever existed or if I am truly so defective and in need of a lifetime of therapy and self help books just to create the illusion of being "normal."

I am haunted by the last words from her.

"you were not just a husband but a man, a human being...did it not occur to you, that my wife is sleeping by herself? That I want to be laying next to her, sleeping? No, it never did. Like I have said before, you want and need a manual or be told like some child  what to do. I hope that you talk about this in your counseling session to help you understand why you do this."

I had insomnia and went to bed later than her or stayed up late to work so I wouldn't take away from "our" time during the evening. This is the response I got. I can understand being perturbed but to an extent. Well she also hit me when I snored - so does this make me a crap husband?

Or would that be the type of thing that should be openly discussed by "healthy" people who are able to voice their needs and not sit silently while building resentment.

"you came with a lot of baggage that should have been taken care before we met and/or communicated. I hope that you continue your therapy to become healthy for yourself and whoever you meet next"

That one is what really gets me (and it shouldn't since it is coming from someone that likely has a cluster B disorder.) It is the most passive form of the blame game. And months of this have undermined my core sense of self to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore.

I have been in therapy for 3 months now with two different counselors and have yet to even address my own codependency because I am too busy trying to heal from living with her for 6 weeks and the guilt that i probably wrongly feel for leaving this marriage for what should have been a few weeks - she turned it against me so now I feel like I just destroyed my marriage because of my selfish need to regain my sanity and safety.

I lost EVERYTHING in this marriage but the worst is that I feel I lost myself in the process.

Thanks for listening - R

[Lady31]

R,

I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through!  I read your post and couldn't help but respond.

Listen, you have some baggage...SO WHAT?  EVERYONE has baggage.  One of the best tricks these crazies have is taking something with a little bit of truth in it and TWISTING it into something entirely different.  Thing is, we try to make our mates happy, and we try to UNDERSTAND them and where they are coming from, and we try to look at ourselves.  Well, when we do that, along with with the crazy & twisted things they say and do...we get stuck mentally.  We see the element of truth there.  A fraction of truth does not make the entire brainwashing BS true!

The question is:  If you went to her with some concerns regarding the way she treats you, would she self reflect?  Would she try to understand how you feel and what is upsetting you?  My bet is NO.

Also, you do not speak to someone you love the way she speaks to you.  You confront with LOVE...

You could have been Mr. Perfect, Healthy & Co-Dependent NO MORE, and this woman would STILL find some crazy thing wrong with you.  She would have also tried to sabotage you actually becoming healthy had you stayed together I would guess. 

The things is, don't try to UNDERSTAND her crazy statements...just reject them!

Also, who is REALLY the defective one here?  I think you dodged a bullet my dear, whether you feel that way now or not.  Your self esteem has taken a hit and you are full of self doubt because of what you went through...but it is going to get better.

YOU DESERVE BETTER than the way this woman has treated you.  SOME WIFE!  ?  Instead of looking at the defective person she tried to paint you as, look at the kind of wife she has been?

YOU ARE EXACTLY RIGHT.  First, if there are issues in the relationship, there is a way to discuss and lovingly communicate those issues.  Second, this woman has no concept of what a marriage is.  She obviously was not a great wife by any stretch.  Even if you have communicated those issues in a healthy way, you don't just abandon your spouse.  She sounds like a very childish, immature, selfish person with no real concept of the weight of marital vows.

You, on the other hand, sound like a sweet & caring man.  Do not let this woman destroy you for the beautiful, caring woman that awaits you in the future.  That would be a shame and a waste! 

This crazy chic does not define who YOU are!  She is the one that is showing her true colors!  It will take time to process this for yourself, but you will get there.  And you will move on to a healthier relationship full of care and she will still be bouncing around in her selfish, childish state, just miserable all the while blaming everyone else and trying to bring them down to her level of misery.

[1brokenwing]

R, wow! You've truly been to hell and back! I'm so glad you survived, albeit drained by an emotional vampire! You feel a loss of sense of self because that's what they do, they dismantle yours and make it their own because the are sadly, empty vessels!  Yes, there are things to be examined and for you to be introspective about and LDRs probably aren't the best way to get to know someone BUT to be abandoned so callously in a foreign country like that is inhumane and speaks volumes as to HER issues. Trust me though, THIS experience is going to grow you like nothing before because you are already in therapy and sorting things out. It will take a while to rid yourself of the toxicity she left in your soul but you can do it.  Your story resonates big time with my BPD experience but is to the 10th power because of the leaving everything you know and going to another country thing.  I'm going to follow your story (and be there to support you) because I KNOW and trust you will come out of this.  Are you NC? It's crucial if you want to stop the bleeding.  Good luck and Godspeed. 

[Fenghuang]

Hey Lady31  and 1brokenwing. Thanks for your responses and support.

It means a lot that to hear that there are a few people out there who at least think like i do.

In terms of "baggage." I guess I am healthier than my X. I at least OWN my bags. She on the other hand has a box car full of invisible bags speeding off the tracks. - I guess I need to keep that in mind.

Lady31 - I actually did go to her with my concerns and it was pretty pathetic to ask for basic things like - Respect, honesty etc. I had also started to walk away from her when she raged as well as confront her about the critical/abusive comments and condescending tone was when trying to have civil discussions.

You are correct in your assumption that it was not received well. I was told the typical justification. IE I have to act this way because YOU make me. I am certain that in the short time we lived together there was no love from her end at all. Only resentment and blame. However, I am also twisted up with the "I hate you don't leave me" logic that I still wanted to interpret her scornful remarks with some semblance of understanding - when none is likely required.

"She would have also tried to sabotage you actually becoming healthy had you stayed together I would guess."

That is a very good observation. As part of "fixing" myself - I would go to grief counselors etc. I had attempted to rationalize the fact that I had no insurance in Canada and would have to pay out of pocket for EVERYTHING. And that to me seemed one of the more practical reasons to come back to the states. - Or else it would be another way for her to unintentionally bleed me dry. - Again that was viewed as an excuse and not a practical concern. I was concerned she married me for money, but she didn't. I was losing thousands at a time just trying to meet her needs, expectations, or dealing with her emotional state.

I was facing losing all my money and assets to prove/improve myself for this woman with no guarantees that even the attempt would make a difference in her eyes.

"Instead of looking at the defective person she tried to paint you as, look at the kind of wife she has been?"

Now don't get me wrong my wife did try to be supportive - Just not in any type of meaningful way. She would be nice to me only if others were around to witness the act. She held a welcoming party for me - and invited all her girlfriends. I would have just liked it if she made me feel welcome in the home we shared together and in her country.

I didn't really care about anything else because I didn't move up there for HER friends. - But she seems to have massive ego issues - possible NPD. So as long as she made sure she APPEARED to be a good wife, she could continue her other behavior behind closed doors. She fed me, and paid her half if not more of the bills. But honestly I felt like an "extension" or "third wheel" in her life. It was hideously uncomfortable. She didn't do anything with me other than basic errands and I felt relegated to a servant role, rather than equal. She "lovingly" spoke to me about her grievances but the tone was authoritarian and the conversation felt like an interrogation. She also discussed these issues with her family but not with me. Then when I was around her family they continued this "what is wrong with you?" type of interrogation based on information from my wife. - It was maddening.

She is also surrounded by female friends and family who adhere to "happy wife, happy life" philosophy which only serves to enforce disrespect toward men in their family.

"Even if you have communicated those issues in a healthy way, you don't just abandon your spouse. She sounds like a very childish, immature, selfish person with no real concept of the weight of marital vows."

I will not disagree with that assessment at all. However, I am still having a hard time digesting the issue of abandonment due to the double bind/no win scenario she put me in.

So due to selective memory/push pull - She ended our marriage when she felt like it and asked me to leave. But both times apologized and asked me to stay. - In my opinion that is true abandonment - since DAYS went by before she went back on her decision. I was abandoned in her country consecutive weekends believing each time that our Marriage was truly OVER.

I asked her to promise to never do that again. And she couldn't. So I told her I needed to go away for a few weeks while we worked things out. I refused to let her make me homeless in her country based on her emotional whims. However, unlike her I NEVER ended our marriage. But she went back on the agreement to live separately for a while and I got turned into the abandoner.

In her eyes and those of her family - I physically left therefore I did abandon her. That is what kills me. I feel vilified and guilty while it was her decision to end our marriage and go back on our agreement, it was also her that created the intolerable condition that caused me to feel better about living apart from her than with her.

This put her in the perfect position to play victim for her next suitor. it set her up to gain excessive attention and support from her friends and family - while I am left feeling like I destroyed my most precious relationship and lost my best friend, because I was too "cowardly" to allow her to ruin my life every weekend. Even worse I strongly feel like she did this as punishment to ensure that I would stop standing up for my own rights.

1brokenwing - "because of the leaving everything you know and going to another country thing."  To be honest, I was not scared by the risk. I had ignored some flags in our LDR but I married this woman. I trusted her enough to put my life in her hands. And while I should regret that decision because it cost me dearly. I don't - as a spouse she SHOULD BE worthy of that trust. I asked for nothing in return other than the expectation that I had been with the kind/supportive person I married. But that wasn't her at all. That was her mirroring my better traits. That was her making sure her compassion was witnessed by others so that she could maintain her "image."
That is also very difficult to process - I can't believe so many people here fell in love with nearly fictional characters.

I am NC for two weeks now but still struggling. I have tapped out my support network and will see if any of the board members have suggestions on how I can continue my healing/growth.

Thank you both!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)