How do you approach "dementia" in your kids?

[Think About It....]

Ok...so it's not really dementia.  It's creating a new history.  My DSD15 recently talked about how the last time her BPD mom lived in our town was 13 years ago.  I started wondering if I was losing it--her BPD mom lived in our city for 9 months just three years ago.  I reminded her of that, and she was certain she hadn't.  I dropped it because she almost had me convinced I was crazy.  I asked DH at home, and he said I was right.  Why one earth would she want to think that BPD mom did not live there?

Another friend had a similar situation with her DSD "forgetting" completely about the big birthday party my friend had for her last year.  That child's mom isn't that involved either.

So how hard do you work to correct their memories, or do you just let them believe whatever?

[sanemom]

Ok...so it's not really dementia.  It's creating a new history.  My DSD15 recently talked about how the last time her BPD mom lived in our town was 13 years ago.  I started wondering if I was losing it--her BPD mom lived in our city for 9 months just three years ago.  I reminded her of that, and she was certain she hadn't.  I dropped it because she almost had me convinced I was crazy.  I asked DH at home, and he said I was right.  Why one earth would she want to think that BPD mom did not live there?

Another friend had a similar situation with her DSD "forgetting" completely about the big birthday party my friend had for her last year.  That child's mom isn't that involved either.

So how hard do you work to correct their memories, or do you just let them believe whatever?

[little doggy]

I wonder if its part of their coping mechanism. If so, its hard ti decide whether to re-activate the memory or let it go. My 2 children always (and I think intentionally) forget any times when their BPDmum has raged at them or acted badly. It can be quite frustrating for me but I understand it may be what they need to do for now go cope (especially since they still spend time with her).
I am also  interested in an answer to your dilemma ? Is it better to help them remember or let them forget ?

[Matt]

My SS34 has inaccurate memories of lots of stuff.  He has told many people, even filled out documents, saying that he was 11 when I married his mom.  He was 18, fully grown - he wore one of my suits.  It boggles my mind that he remembers something so wrong, but I'm convinced he's not lying - that's what he remembers.

In his case, a part of the story may be substance use - he started that at 12, and it stopped his maturing process.  I'm not saying that's a factor for your SD15 though.

My SD22 also remembers some things wrong - basically doesn't remember things that she saw with her own eyes, in her teens.

Another factor may be childhood trauma that affects their perceptions.  My SS definitely went through some severe emotional trauma - SD not so much but there was a lot of stress in the house.  I think they have both coped by blocking things out and creating false memories.

I wouldn't make a huge deal of it, but maybe counseling would be good.  Not as a "solution" to a "problem" - if you talk about it that way, she may get defensive, and then you'll have to argue about whether there is a problem or not.  But if you present it as a resource for her, to help her deal with stuff, and find the right counselor, maybe she will be receptive.

At some point, you can encourage her to share that incident with the counselor, and just see what the counselor can make of it.  But you also have to let go of the process - I took my kids to a counselor when they were 8 and 10, for about three years, and it was helpful, but the counselor didn't tell me much, and wasn't acting on my instructions - she was a resource for the kids, and I was just the driver...

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[doryswimsagain]

Great question! I agree that whatever you do, it should not become a point of contention. If counseling isn't an option...are there any 3rd party family members...a favorite uncle...or family friend, maybe, who can help inject some truth?

I am truly beginning to believe (despite the occassional advice to the contrary) that kids need to hear the truth, regardless of the temporary discomfort it may cause. Otherwise I feel like I am training them to adopt the X's selective memory. Interested to see if anyone else has some light to shed here...

[motwgk]

I use photo albums; D12 loves to look through them and "remember when". When I print them, I put the dates on the back with her, or have her date them. She can pull the pictures out and check the date anytime. If you're good at scrapbooking, it could be something you do together.

When she was little, a therapist recommended a daily review of her feelings: mad, sad, glad, or scared. How was she at the time we talked, and what happened each day to make her feel each of those feelings (if anything, maybe she wasn't scared that day). Along those lines, you could do a "family diary", each person contributing things that happened that day. Some days may have more detail than others. If a child is old enough, have them write their own entry in it. I would be careful about writing non-objective things about the other parent, and some things might be better kept for a personal journal you keep about issues with your X, but I wouldn't find it strange to note "new address for X - 123 this street", "new phone # for X - 999-9999" as a way of making it important to the child that they also have a new address, phone number, whatever. And the child should feel free to write whatever they want, without it seeming like tattling on the other parent or you.

Of course, this doesn't help in hindsight. If it's something I didn't document, I have no problem saying, "I guess we just remember it differently, because I remember this..." If it seems important, I've even very carefully talked with my spouse about it when D12's in another room: "do you remember this, or am I remembering it incorrectly" "yes, I remember that too, I think this happened then" "oh, you're right, I forgot about that, thanks, thought maybe I had it wrong", while letting her "accidently" overhear it. Not confronting her directly with "you're wrong", just letting her hear us discuss it rationally.

[DreamGirl]

Ok...so it's not really dementia.  It's creating a new history.  My DSD15 recently talked about how the last time her BPD mom lived in our town was 13 years ago.  I started wondering if I was losing it--her BPD mom lived in our city for 9 months just three years ago.  I reminded her of that, and she was certain she hadn't.  I dropped it because she almost had me convinced I was crazy.  I asked DH at home, and he said I was right.  Why one earth would she want to think that BPD mom did not live there?

Another friend had a similar situation with her DSD "forgetting" completely about the big birthday party my friend had for her last year.  That child's mom isn't that involved either.

So how hard do you work to correct their memories, or do you just let them believe whatever?

Sounds like disassociation.

Was that a particularily traumatic time for her?

[sanemom]

Ok...so it's not really dementia.  It's creating a new history.  My DSD15 recently talked about how the last time her BPD mom lived in our town was 13 years ago.  I started wondering if I was losing it--her BPD mom lived in our city for 9 months just three years ago.  I reminded her of that, and she was certain she hadn't.  I dropped it because she almost had me convinced I was crazy.  I asked DH at home, and he said I was right.  Why one earth would she want to think that BPD mom did not live there?

Another friend had a similar situation with her DSD "forgetting" completely about the big birthday party my friend had for her last year.  That child's mom isn't that involved either.

So how hard do you work to correct their memories, or do you just let them believe whatever?

Sounds like disassociation.

Was that a particularily traumatic time for her?

I don't think it was traumatic, per se, but it was a time when BPD mom was only seeing her kids every other weekend, and she was not very involved.  She lived there 9 months and then moved 100  miles away for a new job.  All I can think of is that DSD would like to think that the reason BPD mom was not involved before was that she lived far away or something.

[sanemom]

I had an idea for this situation and ran it by a counselor, who thought it was a good idea.  I was thinking that we could all drive somewhere near where BPD mom used to live and casually point it out as such.  I am pretty sure the boys will validate she lived there a couple of years ago.  That way DSD doesn't get so defensive, but she gets to hear it from more than just dh and me.

It just seems that she is a little old to be doing this--it worries me.

[Matt]

I had an idea for this situation and ran it by a counselor, who thought it was a good idea.  I was thinking that we could all drive somewhere near where BPD mom used to live and casually point it out as such.  I am pretty sure the boys will validate she lived there a couple of years ago.  That way DSD doesn't get so defensive, but she gets to hear it from more than just dh and me.

It just seems that she is a little old to be doing this--it worries me.

Well it makes sense because it's not pointed right at SD, and because it's based in reality - you will be looking at something real and remembering something real.

I think the sooner you get your SD into counseling, so she can be helped to work through this stuff, the better.  It won't be quick and I think it won't be shocking;  a good counselor will include it with a lot of other stuff, gently, so over time SD can deal with it all.

[trax]

She may be faking it, but memory is a delicate thing and can be damaged by disease, stress, poor nutrition. 

I have an endocrine disease that has resulted in serious memory problems.  If its seems genuine in the child it may be time to bring it up with the doctor.

[sanemom]

I had an idea for this situation and ran it by a counselor, who thought it was a good idea.  I was thinking that we could all drive somewhere near where BPD mom used to live and casually point it out as such.  I am pretty sure the boys will validate she lived there a couple of years ago.  That way DSD doesn't get so defensive, but she gets to hear it from more than just dh and me.

It just seems that she is a little old to be doing this--it worries me.

Well it makes sense because it's not pointed right at SD, and because it's based in reality - you will be looking at something real and remembering something real.

I think the sooner you get your SD into counseling, so she can be helped to work through this stuff, the better.  It won't be quick and I think it won't be shocking;  a good counselor will include it with a lot of other stuff, gently, so over time SD can deal with it all.

I agree.  I am almost scared what "getting out of denial" will look like.  We have to wait until her BPD mom dumps her on us but we already have counselor lined up.

[NicholeMarie]

Hey  Hi!

I post on the "family-of" board.  (uBPDmother) 

I also don't remember much of my past.  Um... I actually dont' remember much of my entire childhood. My sister, only 3 1/2 years younger somehow remembers details more than I do ( I also took the brunt of the abuse for some reason) 

Its a defense mechanism.  The first time I ever realized that my mind was protecting itself in this way, I was about 15-16 and we were at the table fighting loudly about one thing or another and about 5 minutes later Im spacing out staring at the wall trying to remember what we were just SCREAMING at each other about  ? ?

Kinda blew me away.  I have recently been seeing a T.  BPD does not necessarly get passed down but I could match up almost every trait she had while I was living with her.  when I moved out it faded away. I moved out at a younger age than some, but my T says that It was good that I got help when I did. I don't have it by any means.  I just had a lot of anger and things that I needed to come to terms with. the truth about my childhood mainly.  That and kids of pwBPD, aren't usually allowed to express their thought or feelings so they just get bottled up because thats all we know. 

Coming to terms with the term "abuse" in itself was a relief and incredibly sad at the same time.  I kind of realized that my childhood was a big lie, that nothing about it was normal or healthy like I was always told.  As a child, telling myself that they were doing the best they could was a way to get through the day. as an adult I need the truth.  And the truth is that I was verbally and mentally abused. 

The earlier  she starts seeing a T, the better.  If that what she wants, you want so on an so on.  I know I ddin't want to see a therapist. I felt stupid. I didn't even really talk about much till week 5!

Hearing the truth is a good thing.  It helps with the healing process. I wish I had delt with this at a younger age because I feel like a stupid kid sometimes with mommy issues at the age of 25.  But T says its healthy, that I need to let the anger go.

Coming out of denial might not be so pretty.  Just be there.  You don't have to ask questions or talk.  NO ONE else is going to understand her because BPD is incomprehensible to anyone who's never been exposed. Which makes it harder because in her mind its probably like no one believes her

I hope this is helpful...

[nona]

luckily kids BPDdad told them he "kept secrets from mommy" at the Ext. burst.

so the discussion of truth and lies was on the table for most of a year.

D9 has acted just like he did to me in the marriage , verbal abuse and sometimes attacking me physically as well.

she  would have hour long tantrums if i were to even insinuate I was not in agreement with d9s version of reality.

this was pretty exhausting on top of going through my own shock and awe withdrawl early separation.

I eventually started saying Flatly : "that is not the truth".

"lying, even to myself makes me sick"

I would not say more, i would not engage, other than to maintain safety.

after months of fighting this...she started tantruming les long, less often, less intensely, until d9 would look "reassured" when I stated..That IS or that IS NOT THE TRUTH.

it has taken a year.  

she also knows we left cause "I did not feel safe"

(and we were all physically sick...from so much toxic lying being suppressed, 6 months of diarrhea, whole family from BPD stress.)

(notice the I statement)

d9 replied,
"yeah, you had to leave cause your'e not safe just like...(similar incident)"

I NEVER SAID a word about "daddy"

when d9 prys, and begs to know "the secretS", etc. etc.,, and accuses me of  "lying" when I dont tell her what she wants to know about BPDdad/divorce etc.  ...

I say.."do you remember what it was like when I still lived with daddy?"

she says "yes".

END OF DISCUSSION EVERYTIME.

that way...she never has to "admit" anything out loud. which is too painful.

but she "knows" sometimes we were in danger, im not gonna invalidate that for her.

she was there when he ripped up the house and broke in and tried to get the cops to arrest her mom when he was having a Tantrum !

I believe she knows the truth, but it is too painful to say outloud.

so I stay grounded in the truth for both of us and that is ok for now.

In fact its pretty cool compared to amnesia land.

and the tanrums are down to 10-20 minutes.

[NicholeMarie]

So intense. I'm hoping things continue to improve for you guys   Im slowly realizing how funny our minds are and how complicated they can be. 

[doryswimsagain]

nona, once again, thanks for sharing. Your story always reminds me that there is hope and that I am not alone