How do you co-parent after divorce?

[Think About It....]

Just a quick update. I am still no contact with my soon to be ex. Sadly, she is still in my house. I offered to buy her out but she didnt like the independent appraisal i got from the mortgage company. She had a friend of hers do an appraisal which came in almost 30 k higher. We put the house on the market. Couldn't agree on a realtor  I have made a generous cash offer for her to leave but she won't either because she is till sticking t to me and feels powerful doing so or she is completely content to have me keep paying the bills and give her an allowance. She wrote up the inventory only to tell me that i was getting the  better deal of it. She decided to change it again after we  had agreed to it  She did agree to joint custody and a $875 a month child support only to change her mind three weeks ago and ask for $1200 in child support. I am unwilling to pay that ransom when primary custody is $1500. I am not sure about my decision at this point. If I give her the full amount then that's it I don't have to pay anymore. If I agree to $1200 I get my child half the time but I can just see her nickel and dimming me for years. My plan is to give her primary, give her $1500 a month and hope that when my child is 12 she can choose where she wants to live. It's a nightmare. The basis of my decision is that she cant agree to anything reasonable. iAny advice would be appreciated.

[Powerug]

Just a quick update. I am still no contact with my soon to be ex. Sadly, she is still in my house. I offered to buy her out but she didnt like the independent appraisal i got from the mortgage company. She had a friend of hers do an appraisal which came in almost 30 k higher. We put the house on the market. Couldn't agree on a realtor  I have made a generous cash offer for her to leave but she won't either because she is till sticking t to me and feels powerful doing so or she is completely content to have me keep paying the bills and give her an allowance. She wrote up the inventory only to tell me that i was getting the  better deal of it. She decided to change it again after we  had agreed to it  She did agree to joint custody and a $875 a month child support only to change her mind three weeks ago and ask for $1200 in child support. I am unwilling to pay that ransom when primary custody is $1500. I am not sure about my decision at this point. If I give her the full amount then that's it I don't have to pay anymore. If I agree to $1200 I get my child half the time but I can just see her nickel and dimming me for years. My plan is to give her primary, give her $1500 a month and hope that when my child is 12 she can choose where she wants to live. It's a nightmare. The basis of my decision is that she cant agree to anything reasonable. iAny advice would be appreciated.

[JustSaying]

She did agree to joint custody and a $875 a month child support only to change her mind three weeks ago and ask for $1200 in child support.

If her agreement was written as a proper custody agreement, signed, and filed with the court, she can't change her mind.

What part of that didn't happen?

[Powerug]

It was negotiated by the lawyers. It was the only reasonable thing she did, and then disagreed. If I can get her to agree to custody I can get a divorce. She knows that so she wont agree to anything I offer. It's unbelievable. She is exercising her control over me. Sad person.

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[JustSaying]

Then your L screwed up. As we negotiated, we didn't say 'yes' to any agreement until X's L had it written, signed by X, and only then sent to us for signing. And at that point she couldn't back out. Worked out ahead of time how to not get trapped in an agreement that's undone.

So whatever's done in the future, you need a procedure from your L that keeps y'all from being snookered again.

Also realize that any child support agreement can be changed in the future, usually based on changed circumstances. So she can petition for an increased amount in 6 months or a year or whatever the time is there.

Any reason to think D can pick where she lives at 12? Mine's 14 and isn't allowed that.

You gotta avoid agreements she can weasel out of. You should only get an appraisal if there's agreement ahead of time to abide by the appraisal. Leaving it open for her to have a friend appraise it is a mistake by your L. Has he learned his lesson or will he be hoodwinked by her again?

And she changed the property agreement after y'all 'agreed' to it? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."

I'm sorry for how harsh this sounds, but it won't change till your side cleans up its own negotiating practices. If she's rolling y'all, it's with your assistance. Like Charlie Brown thinking Lucy will hold the football for him to kick this time.

Personally, I find a '$ vs custody' negotiation distasteful. Lawyers shouldn't support that. Custody should be what's deserved and support should follow from that. Why wouldn't you say, "Screw this" and take it to trial? A judge, with a proper custody evaluation, may well treat you better? You don't have to settle, you know? Turn the tide on her.

[Matt]

Then your L screwed up. As we negotiated, we didn't say 'yes' to any agreement until X's L had it written, signed by X, and only then sent to us for signing. And at that point she couldn't back out. Worked out ahead of time how to not get trapped in an agreement that's undone.

Yeah, this will work.  Anything else - when you are dealing with someone with BPD - is a waste of time, and weakens your position.

[Matt]

Quit negotiating.  Tell your lawyer (in writing) to tell the other lawyer (in writing) that if they want to make a complete, detailed, written offer, you will consider it, but otherwise you are going to trial.

Tell your lawyer to develop a plan to win at trial, and put that plan into effect.  Go for the custody you believe is best for the child - not what the other party wants, but what you believe is best for the child.  File a motion for a custody evaluator to be appointed, and for psych evals for both parents.  When the other lawyer sees that you are playing to win, he will advise his client to make a good offer.

[Powerug]

I hear you. Unfortunately in Texas rule 11s can be changed until the final divorce proceedings. Sad but true. Trying to negotiate with her seems futile but going to court can actually come out worse for me. Hard to believe but true. The courts in Texas always favor the woman. While thus has all been extremely immoral the courts are concerned with the well being of the child and the financial aspect of it. I make more money than her so I get stuck with the attorney fees, alliomony, and child support. Really sux!

[JustSaying]

rule 11

The quick searching I did on Rule 11 (it's almost identical to Rule 69 in AZ) seems consistent in that it cannot be unilaterally changed or revoked. Hey, it's the internet...not like it's always accurate. Do you have a reference to where one party can change it?

[Matt]

Lawyers in every state tell you "Courts here are biased against men."  It's probably true, and that's wrong, but instead of using it as an excuse to get you to lower your expectations, or take an ineffective approach like negotiating from a position of weakness, with an opposing party who has psychological problems - kind of the definition of a waste of time - your lawyer should be offering you a positive plan to achieve your goals.

Once you have an attorney who buys into your objectives, and who can give you a solid (but not guaranteed) plan to achieve them, and you have taken strong steps to put that plan into action, the other side may come to the table and bargain in good faith, because they will see that going to trial may not work out as well as they assumed.

But without a plan to win at trial, you're just a beggar, and you can expect the other party to jerk you around til she gets everything she wants.  If you're going to take that approach, you might as well just give her what she wants now and get it over with.

We assume that all attorneys know how to negotiate, but many of them have never taken even a short class or read a book on the subject.  You have to either find an attorney with experience doing this - prosecuting a divorce when the other party has BPD - or else take the lead yourself and establish a strategy for your attorney to follow.  This idea that you can bargain from a position of weakness and hope to have any success at all is not likely to be successful.

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