Doing the Legwork - Not Sad

[Think About It...]

My wife and son were out of town this weekend at her parents'.  They are as BPD as she is, if not more so.  Last year, they banned me from visiting any more because my mere presence stressed my mother-in-law out so much she became dangerously hypertensive, so I'm banned from future visits.  Which honestly, was a relief because I can do without the drama.

Anyway, since I am at least tentatively planning to make a break to try to protect myself (or at least get healthy so my son will have ONE healthy parent!), I decided to use the weekend alone to gather important paperwork, look for new housing, and all the other legwork that needs to be in place before THE talk.

What's weird is, I wasn't that sad this weekend. I figured that plotting the end of my marriage would have made me sad.  But I was actually enjoying being able to work toward a goal.  I felt like a bad person until I realized what had happened...

I think I've already worked my way through the grieving process and have come to acceptance.  I can identify the five key markers of grief through different periods in the last 18 months.  I spent a lot of time in DENIAL...I kept telling myself she must have had a bad day, of if I just found a different way to explain myself, she'd realize I wasn't the horrible person she thinks I am.

I did a lot of BARGAINING.  I worked harder at helping out around the house, figuring if I could just do it the way she liked it, maybe she would like me.  I'd negotiate with her to get her to come to counseling with me ("I'll go to the doctor for my checkup if you'll come to counseling with me...").

I spent about 6 to 8 months just ANGRY.  I wasn't overtly angry, but everyone who knows me well commented during that time period that I just wasn't myself.  There was an edginess to me.  Not that I ever did anything inappropriate, but I was just more cynical than usual.

Finally, I got depressed.  I rarely left the house (other than work) or engaged in activities that I normally enjoy.  I still found joy in playing with my son, but other than that, there was nothing in my life to look forward to.

Back around the holidays, when she completely blew off our anniversary and then later, Valentine's Day, I just came to accept that it is what it is.

So now that I'm actually acting on the fact that my marriage is dead, it's not as sad as I thought it would be.  I'm sure there will be a lot of emotional trauma when I tell her I'm leaving - I don't really look forward to that day - but otherwise I'm not nearly as sad about this as I thought I would be.

My best friend - conveniently enough, he's a psychologist - told me today that my mind had processed the grief because my heart knew the marriage was already dead.  He said by unconsciously going through the grief process, my mind was already working ahead toward this day.

Anybody else have similar experiences?

I do still worry about how she'll take the news once I deliver it.  We've both hinted from time to time that we thought it might be best to end it.  But we've both always pulled back from the brink.  After some of the drama of the last 6 months (baseless charges of child abuse, false accusations of me bugging the phones, rages about everything from how I drill holes to what kind of noodles I get at a buffet), my counselor and I think the time has come to make a break.

So I'm sad for how she will feel.  But I'm not sad to be working toward ending it. 

I guess I've known for a couple of years this was how it was going to end.  I just haven't admitted it to myself until the last couple of months.

[Aviator]

My wife and son were out of town this weekend at her parents'.  They are as BPD as she is, if not more so.  Last year, they banned me from visiting any more because my mere presence stressed my mother-in-law out so much she became dangerously hypertensive, so I'm banned from future visits.  Which honestly, was a relief because I can do without the drama.

Anyway, since I am at least tentatively planning to make a break to try to protect myself (or at least get healthy so my son will have ONE healthy parent!), I decided to use the weekend alone to gather important paperwork, look for new housing, and all the other legwork that needs to be in place before THE talk.

What's weird is, I wasn't that sad this weekend. I figured that plotting the end of my marriage would have made me sad.  But I was actually enjoying being able to work toward a goal.  I felt like a bad person until I realized what had happened...

I think I've already worked my way through the grieving process and have come to acceptance.  I can identify the five key markers of grief through different periods in the last 18 months.  I spent a lot of time in DENIAL...I kept telling myself she must have had a bad day, of if I just found a different way to explain myself, she'd realize I wasn't the horrible person she thinks I am.

I did a lot of BARGAINING.  I worked harder at helping out around the house, figuring if I could just do it the way she liked it, maybe she would like me.  I'd negotiate with her to get her to come to counseling with me ("I'll go to the doctor for my checkup if you'll come to counseling with me...").

I spent about 6 to 8 months just ANGRY.  I wasn't overtly angry, but everyone who knows me well commented during that time period that I just wasn't myself.  There was an edginess to me.  Not that I ever did anything inappropriate, but I was just more cynical than usual.

Finally, I got depressed.  I rarely left the house (other than work) or engaged in activities that I normally enjoy.  I still found joy in playing with my son, but other than that, there was nothing in my life to look forward to.

Back around the holidays, when she completely blew off our anniversary and then later, Valentine's Day, I just came to accept that it is what it is.

So now that I'm actually acting on the fact that my marriage is dead, it's not as sad as I thought it would be.  I'm sure there will be a lot of emotional trauma when I tell her I'm leaving - I don't really look forward to that day - but otherwise I'm not nearly as sad about this as I thought I would be.

My best friend - conveniently enough, he's a psychologist - told me today that my mind had processed the grief because my heart knew the marriage was already dead.  He said by unconsciously going through the grief process, my mind was already working ahead toward this day.

Anybody else have similar experiences?

I do still worry about how she'll take the news once I deliver it.  We've both hinted from time to time that we thought it might be best to end it.  But we've both always pulled back from the brink.  After some of the drama of the last 6 months (baseless charges of child abuse, false accusations of me bugging the phones, rages about everything from how I drill holes to what kind of noodles I get at a buffet), my counselor and I think the time has come to make a break.

So I'm sad for how she will feel.  But I'm not sad to be working toward ending it. 

I guess I've known for a couple of years this was how it was going to end.  I just haven't admitted it to myself until the last couple of months.

[desertbuck]

Aviator,

You forgot the most important stage of the grieving process...ACCEPTANCE.  That's where you are.  You have accepted that the situation is not going to change and you have stopped judging yourself (and her) for all of the perceived "failures" that lead you to this point.  It is not that you don't care...You have simply acknowledged that caring is not going to change the situation.  I, too, have reached this stage.  It's almost funny...in the days leading to this epiphany, I was still engaging in the cycle of conflict.  I was constantly trying to placate her in an effort to avoid the confrontation that was inevitable.  Then, after a particular pivotal event, everything changed.  It was almost instantaneous!  I just accepted that nothing would ever change.  Even more incredible is that I do not harbor any ill will towards her.  Don't get me wrong, I am not happy over having so little to show after such a large emotional investment.  However, I see her now as someone who is simply ill.  I cannot resent her anymore then I could if she had a physical illness over which I had no control.  I like to think that my intellect finally took control of my emotions and would no longer tolerate the irrationality of the whole situation.  This enlightenment is wonderfully liberating!

[tuum est61]

Aviator, thanks for sharing the detailed look at leaving. I seem to be headed down the same path. My mind has finally come to accept my uBPDw's illness. My heart hasn't quite yet but that is not stopping me from preparing an inventory of our household assets for the purposes of separation.

I have scheduled some time off the first two weeks in April - told my W for the purposes of spring cleaning and repairs to the house. I will in fact be doing that  but my intent is to complete the repairs so the house can go on the market.

I am not sad either.  Time does change your perceptions. I really only figured out I was dealing with BPD last August but I am sure I won't be herethis August.

[Aviator]

I am not sad either.  Time does change your perceptions. I really only figured out I was dealing with BPD last August but I am sure I won't be herethis August.

Sounds a lot like my story.  I first posted on an online forum (talkaboutmarriage.com) last July.  I was trying to figure out what the heck was wrong with us.  The counseling we had tried since last January had actually made things worse (she claimed it was because I "lied" all the time to the counselor).  Someone at TAM said they thought she sounded like BPD, and suggested this forum.  Between this forum and reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells," for the first time in 18 years, everything I had been going through made sense.  But it also made me profoundly sad, because I know the cure rate for this disorder is so depressingly low.

So I posted in July 2011.  I'm hoping I can celebrate Independence Day in 2012 by truly being free from this toxic mess.

My prayers are with you, brother. PM me if you need to talk more!

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[hithere]

I really hope it is that easy for both of you but what I found is that while I planned and got ready to move out I was also not sad but excited, eager and a little scared but after I moved a lot of the grief started to set in (after the initial elation of breaking free), so I hope you are past it but be prepared just in case.

[tuum est61]

As I started doing my own "legwork" I am noticing some fairly profound things. 

I've allowed chaos to invade my life since I've been with my uBPDw for the past nearly 6 years - more so than with my ex or with my second partner.  I won't say I was very organized or connected before, I am not very organized now.  I am an ideas person and need to work on organization. 

But I am REALLY noticing this today as I dig around in the files in my office and note that I haven't really kept files or filed anything for the entire 6 years of my marriage to my uBPDw.  Good thing most everything happens on email!  I in fact was so in love that I just let chaos envelope my work and life.  I won't blame her.  I blame me.  But there were things I used to do/want to do/need to do in work and life -  to stay "organized" and "connected" - but I have just "dropped" them in favour of trying so damn hard to please my W - the absolute love of my life - a love like I never felt for my first wife or my second partner. 

Perhaps as a stereotypical male I "expected"  the organization and connection to flow from my spouse? My first wife had none of those skills but given she was getting her intimacy through other men, there wasnt much drama; my previous partner was definitely was more organized but she had issues with the chaos of introducing my 3 young daughters into her life after she had already raised her son. She had become distant and they had left for a trial basis of living with their mother, which was not working out well for them. But through that, we kept the finances in order and after our relationship ended, I came out ahead financially frome where I went in.

When we first met my uBPDw was so damn personable with my daughters they fled their mother into her arms.  She was their Mother Theresa.  Unfortuntately that honeymoon was fairly short-lived, and interestingly enough my daughters have reconnected with my second partner, who did things for them through far less emotional connection.

It has been a full time job responding to my W's  BPD drama.  As I detach and then begin disengagement, I am becoming just how disorganized and disconnected I have allowed myself to be.  I have become a master of the moment in work and life.  I can't do anything that takes a committed lengthy effort - unless its something of direct interest to my W.  I haven't read a complete book in years and I can hardly watch a full movie - her movies excepted.  When you are always prepared to be questioned or interrupted to meet someone else's needs and drama, its how you start doing EVERYTHING. 

So there's change as I am starting to do more things for myself, setting up to be more organized and stary or more organized and go.   But there definitely is some sadness I still yearn for an intimate relationship with a life partner.  So hithere, thanks for the warning.

[dah1029]

It's hard to stay organized because they demanded so much of your attention.  I had the hardest time just sitting down to write bills out.  I can't tell you how many times I paid late fees because I forgot.  What a  waste of money.  I could never find time to set up on line banking either,  I can't blame that all on the ex, my life is very busy.  But now with the loss of him, I have so much more time on my hands.  And as much as I sometimes would like to date again, it's been good to get myself and my house pulled into order.

[momtario]

Aviator, I am also working through the grieving process, and hoping to reach acceptance before actually physically removing myself from the relationship. I have had years of denial, and I think that's finally over. If I had anger, it only lasted a few hours, but that's longer than it normally would for me under any circumstance, so maybe i'm past that as well. I've flipped back and forth between bargaining and denial for a while, and I am still sort of caught on bargaining.

Do bargaining and depression usually co-exist? Because depression seems to be where I am at in the grieving of this marriage as well. I thought I had reached a level of acceptance, a few weeks ago, but apparently I was wrong.

I'm glad to hear you have gotten there though

take care, Aviator.

[Aviator]

Do bargaining and depression usually co-exist? Because depression seems to be where I am at in the grieving of this marriage as well. I thought I had reached a level of acceptance, a few weeks ago, but apparently I was wrong.

I'm glad to hear you have gotten there though

take care, Aviator.

Its very common to have more than one stage overlap...such as alternating between depression and anger.

Its not a clean, linear progression.  After posting last weekend that Ive reached the acceptance stage, Ive felt depression returning. 

There is no one "proper" way to grieve.  Its a confusing time, but at least nowing that your feelings are normal helps!

[dah1029]

I've done the same thing.  Last week I felt like I was doing well.  Moving on.  Now this week I'm depressed again and posting here that I wish he'd come back.  I hate this.  I feel so unstable at times.  But as unstable as I feel, I have to admit that it's not as bad as last fall.  So I must be making some progress.

[Aviator]

I've done the same thing.  Last week I felt like I was doing well.  Moving on.  Now this week I'm depressed again and posting here that I wish he'd come back.  I hate this.  I feel so unstable at times.  But as unstable as I feel, I have to admit that it's not as bad as last fall.  So I must be making some progress.

I think if you talk to most grief counselors, they'll say it's completely normal.  Maybe instead of saying we've "reached acceptance," we should instead say, "I've reached acceptance for the first time."  Because the truth of the matter is, most healthy people will cycle back through some (or all) of the stages of grief from time to time before Acceptance finally sticks.

The best we can do is live for today, and not worry about whether tomorrow we'll be in denial or anger or whatever.  Just accept each day as it comes, live in an emotionally authentic place, and do what's right. 


It's hard to follow my own advice, but I know it's the right thing...

[dah1029]

Thanks for the insight.  I also find on the days that I'm tired adn have too many demands, my mood sinks.  So I'm on vacation this week.  Painting and tiling the kitchen. And getting alot of sleep and naps. I feel better if I try not to get exhausted.

[Aviator]

Thanks for the insight.  I also find on the days that I'm tired adn have too many demands, my mood sinks.  So I'm on vacation this week.  Painting and tiling the kitchen. And getting alot of sleep and naps. I feel better if I try not to get exhausted.

Absolutely.  I had a friend text me last week who was moritified about accidentally letting a secret about a surprise family party slip out.  The fact is, she's been dealing with the end of her own BPD/NPD relationship, she had been physically ill and hadn't been sleeping well.  Her illness was making it difficult to eat, so she probably had low blood sugar, too.  She was worried her family was going to hate her.  I advised her to try to sleep and see what things looked like in the morning.

She wrote back later that she felt 100% better and saw the situation for what it really was...she made an innocent mistake and the family understood.

It's amazing how badly our perceptions, thoughts, feelings, etc. can get all jumbled up when we're sick or fatigued.  I try never to make a major decision when I'm tired, depressed or ill.  Sometimes it can't be helped, but I at least try to make major life decisions when I'm rested and nourished!

[Aviator]

Last night, I talked to her about a couple of things that needed taken care
of around the house...somehow, the conversation turned to her trust issues and how much she couldn't trust me, but she claims to be trying. 
 
I told her that in my opinion, a lot of her trust issues were due to the fact
that she had become unreasonably angry over what were little items.  I brought up a particular time when she spent 10 minutes yelling at me because I had gotten some spicy Thai noodles from a buffet.  When we got home, my son thought it was spaghetti and wanted some, but the spices were burning my mouth so I told him he couldn't have any.  At the time, she completely came unglued. 
 
Last night, she remained calm but unrepentant.  First of all, she was upset that I would bring up something that happened a year ago.  Then she said she had gotten mad at me because I was "taunting" my son and teasing him with something he couldn't have (which is such a completel distortion, I don't even know where to begin!).  She refused to acknowledge that anything she had done was wrong, or inappropriate.  She said I
was the one with the problem because I couldn't "let it go."
 
This morning, she called very apologetic and said she was sorry she had upset me about the noodles.  I said that HER getting upset was the issue, not me. 

She asked me to give her a list of anything and everything else she had ever
done that had offended me, so she could apologize and I wouldn't be offended any more.  She said she's constantly surprised at how long I hold onto hurts.  She claims to want to get it all out into the open and apologize for it so she won't continue to be surprised.
 
I told her since I was at work, this wasn't an appropriate conversation to
continue.  We said goodbye and hung up.
 
I think she's sensing me pulling away, and in true BPD-style is now desperately trying to do whatever it takes to keep me.  The problem is, even if I were to make a list and she were to actually apologize for everything on it, it still wouldn't tackle the root problem.
 
I'm sure she's going to keep hammering away at me this weekend to talk it all out so she can apologize.  I have a counselor's appointement Tuesday, but I need to make it through the weekend without stepping on any landmines.
 
Any thoughts?

[tuum est61]

She asked me to give her a list of anything and everything else she had ever
done that had offended me, so she could apologize and I wouldn't be offended any more.  

"Okay dear, will you make the same list and similarly forgive me?" - would be my response.  Interestingly my W would never consider asking this question because NOTHING she has ever done has hurt me.    

IF your BPDw is like mine, SHE is the one that brings up the past hurts all the time. So you are quite right, you providing such a list will resolve nothing. And unlike you and your Thai noodles, she is the feeling hurt, not you.  You are more just disappointed and frustrated that you deal with this sort of thing day after day after day after day after day after day...