Daughter came to me with Concerns

[Think About It....]

My daughter, 10yrs old, came to me and wanted to talk privately.

She goes one week with her mom, undiagnosted BPD but has most of the symptoms, and then one week with me.  Back and forth. 

She said that her moms drinking has become worse.  My daughter sees her mom consume a bottle of wine every night.  My daughter then says her mom starts getting verbally abusive.  It was hard to hear my daughter tell me the names that her mother called her.  Little B!@#H and Little S#$t were used a lot.

Their mother is classic high functioning BPD.  Great job, great social life, people think she is mother Teressa.   It's when she gets you alone that her true self comes out.

How do I proceed when I don't feel people would believe me if I brought this up to authorities, lawyers, or therapists?  My daughter is afraid if she says anything that her mom will lie and no one would believe her.

We had a long talk.  I didn't mention BPD, but I just told her that she is a very good girl and not to believe in the bad things her mother says to her.  My daughter did feel better.

Good/Bad news:  After the divorce I moved out of the house and moved 10 miles away.  It was a good distance, kept us apart, but close enough in case of emergencies.  The ex wrote me a couple weeks ago to tell me she bought the house for sale about 700 feet away from my new house.  So at least the girls can come visit more if they want.  Bad news is the ex is right back in front of me.

thanks ahead of time for any advice.

Stinger

[Stinger]

My daughter, 10yrs old, came to me and wanted to talk privately.

She goes one week with her mom, undiagnosted BPD but has most of the symptoms, and then one week with me.  Back and forth. 

She said that her moms drinking has become worse.  My daughter sees her mom consume a bottle of wine every night.  My daughter then says her mom starts getting verbally abusive.  It was hard to hear my daughter tell me the names that her mother called her.  Little B!@#H and Little S#$t were used a lot.

Their mother is classic high functioning BPD.  Great job, great social life, people think she is mother Teressa.   It's when she gets you alone that her true self comes out.

How do I proceed when I don't feel people would believe me if I brought this up to authorities, lawyers, or therapists?  My daughter is afraid if she says anything that her mom will lie and no one would believe her.

We had a long talk.  I didn't mention BPD, but I just told her that she is a very good girl and not to believe in the bad things her mother says to her.  My daughter did feel better.

Good/Bad news:  After the divorce I moved out of the house and moved 10 miles away.  It was a good distance, kept us apart, but close enough in case of emergencies.  The ex wrote me a couple weeks ago to tell me she bought the house for sale about 700 feet away from my new house.  So at least the girls can come visit more if they want.  Bad news is the ex is right back in front of me.

thanks ahead of time for any advice.

Stinger

[beyondbelief]

It sounds like you have both a L and a T.  I would discuss the situation with both of them.  They deal with it a lot and with a bit of luck we should never have to.

The T should be in a position to help D.  You probably want to do a lot of validating your D.  

Calling CPS is a bit risky unless there is immediate danger to the child occurring when they investigation (and who knows when that would be).  You could make an anonymous call (use a payphone) and ask what they recommend doing.

[JustSaying]

My D is 14. When she's at her mom's she's often on her phone texting friends. Her mom rages at her just as your D's mom does. One day D14 opened the Microphone app and recorded a rage. Mom thought she was texting. D played it for T. That's when T took mom's behaviors seriously.

Don't know if that suits D10's temperament or tech savvy or not. D14 did this on her own and only told me later. It gives your D one more option.

And a pat on the back to you for being there for her and listening. She trusts you, and that's huge in her life.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[bpdex]

Hi Stinger,

I can certainly relate.  I agree that the best person to identify this as an issue is the T.  Keep your D in therapy.  In my case, my S has gone for 3 yrs every single week.  It took over a year for my S to open up to the T about things that xBPDw did to him.  If the T isn't listening or believing your D, then perhaps consider finding a new T.  Maybe your D isn't comfortable with the current T.

I like Justsaying's idea, but it might be a little early for your D to get a cell phone.

[BentNotBroken]

She might be too young for a cell phone, but she is the right age for an mp3 player or maybe even a video/camcorder/mp3 type device.

Just sayin'...

[Stinger]

Thanks all!

I do like the idea of using a recording device.  I have a new IPhone, but gave my old IPhone to my daughter to use to play games as it doesn't have service, but the recording device can still record.

That's a huge help!  Thank you so much.  At least we will have proof that this is occurring, and my daughter will feel better that people will believe her.

Thank you again so much.

Stinger

[JustSaying]

Just be careful that you aren't causing D to spy on her mom. That's alienating behavior. There's a delicate balance there. I was fortunate that my D came up with that on her own. Maybe you can tell your D that you heard of someone who did that when they were around an adult who was yelling and screaming, and it helped them help the child...don't mention her mom specifically.

[motwgk]

Another thing to consider. If she's worried about her safety - anywhere, anytime, for any reason - she needs to know she can and should call 911. This isn't just when she's at her mom's, which makes it more neutral for you when discussing it with her. You're not saying, "call 911 to report your mom", you're saying, "let's talk about your safety and the options you have in a situation." If it's a situation she feels comfortable getting out of herself, no need to call. If she's scared about physical violence at any time, or it's already gotten that far, she should call.

If a parent is out of control and a police report is filed, you have objective evidence for a custody review. It's also a good wake-up call for the other parent, as children get older, to pay attention to their behavior.

[BentNotBroken]

I know from my own experience in BPD crazyland as a grown adult that I started to question my own sanity. Can you imagine how hard it is for a child to understand what the heck is going on when their own mother starts raging at them? I think this might be something to bring up with your therapist and get a professional opinion on how to help the young one deal with this when it comes up again. Your T may have a recommendation on how to help your daughter understand and cope without coming across as bashing your ex or attempting parental alienation.