complete turn mentally for the bad

[Think About It...]

for some odd reason today i was been feeling sort of meh okay and now i've just started thinking about where i went wrong in the relationship. the more i read about BPD the more i know why she did a lot of things and how i dealt with the situation was completely wrong at times. e.g. randomly out the blue she'd tell me that she is depressed and i would tell her it will be alright and brush it off. in my mind there was no reason for her to be depressed so i didn't take her as seriously as i should of.. makes me feel guilty now and i'm blaming myself for her feelings this way towards me :-(

WISH I READ UP ON BPD BEFORE AND I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THIS POSITION

[jeffrey12]

for some odd reason today i was been feeling sort of meh okay and now i've just started thinking about where i went wrong in the relationship. the more i read about BPD the more i know why she did a lot of things and how i dealt with the situation was completely wrong at times. e.g. randomly out the blue she'd tell me that she is depressed and i would tell her it will be alright and brush it off. in my mind there was no reason for her to be depressed so i didn't take her as seriously as i should of.. makes me feel guilty now and i'm blaming myself for her feelings this way towards me :-(

WISH I READ UP ON BPD BEFORE AND I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THIS POSITION

[marbleloser]

jeffrey,do yourself a favor and go look at the "Parents of children with BPD" section. I realized that if their own parents can't help them,and God knows they're trying,then how can we expect to even come close? You know their parents are reading and trying everything they can and they still have a hard time. Don't be so hard on yourself. You did NOTHING wrong.

[dah1029]

Jeffrey, I've been wondering how you were doing    .  I also went through these questions about my interaction with the ex.  I didn't realize he was BPD until after we split up.  He had comorbidities of depression, alcohol, an addictive personality, and had lost his wife to cancer before I met him.  So I really had no idea of what was going on when he dumped me.  First I blamed the grief and depression-- thought I could cure him with meds and a counselor.  Then he admitted the hidden alcohol abuse-- so I thought all he needed to do was stop drinking and again see a counselor.  Then I finally realized from his complaints of how he was feeling, that he probably had BPD.  So then I beat myself over the poor ways that I had interacted with him over our 2 years.  He was exhausting with his clinginess.  Suffocating with his presence.  The attention seeking drove me nuts.  All the texting all day was annoying as I was trying to work. To be honest, if I knew he had BPD, I probably wouldn't have gotten involved.  I ended up loving him over time.  After we split up I read so much about BPD, realized how I should have interacted with him, thought I could have helped him if I had known.  But you know what?--  alot of people know their partners have BPD.  They do everything right and it still falls apart.  I know I could have been gentler with my ex.  I could have tried to be less frustrated with his behaviors.  But I can't redo the past. 

Forgive yourself.  Even the experts have trouble dealing with BPD.  Parents and therapists get frustrated and exhausted also.  There's no cure.  You can beat yourself up looking for one, but in the end the answer is always the same.  It's a lost cause.  You can't fix them.  Only they can work to improve their health.  And they'll only look for help when they finally have become miserable enough.  My current philosophy is, he can't miss me if I don't go away.  Make yourself unavailable.  She needs to miss you.  She needs to feel that she lost something.  I don't know if it will work.  But I do know that chasing them doesn't work.  They just run farther away from you. 

[Sabine]

Jeffery, It's so hard to wrap our heads around how a pwBPD thinks/feels and there is no way to make them better. Didn't you put more effort into trying to make it work, make them FEEL better? Even to the point where we were neglecting, or ignoring our own needs? When I first broke up with my xBPDbf I was deluged with emails telling me how I never did anything to make the r/s or him feel better! It was a huge guilt trip and put me into a tailspin! It's not you, it's them. They are like a sand bucket full of holes, nothing fills the emptiness they have and they cannot look within themselves to fix anything -this is a big part of the disorder. For me, knowing this and other great articles and posts on this board helps to relieve any guilt that I should've/could've done anything to 'make it better' for him. Hang in there! 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[jeffrey12]

marbleloser:

i've been reading up on the parents sections. they've got it equally as bad if not worse. what was funny is that my expwBPD used to idealize her family one minute and the next hate them. one day they'd both be in the kitchen together having a laugh and the next day i'll be listening to an ear bashing as to why her mum and family is this and that. after a while i started questioning her and say it was a bit over the top how she'd react to small things done by them and in return all i got was a "your attracted to them", "you prefer them than me", "you never stick up for me"... so it was like a lose lose situation. it got to the point where i'd just agree with her for the sake of it and then we she would argue with her mum or family my word would be used as a tool to prove her point. so in hindsight i was probably painted black to her family from then but now that the break up has commenced the serious painting must be happening. when the break up happened i asked for her cousins number in order to see what the hell was going on. this cousin was a person that i helped throughout her troubles in relationship, drugs etc but she turned her back on me as well..


dah1029:

from what i've gathered by reading up on BPD is that they have numerous events that have occured to them in the past that have traumatized them one way or another. mine was sexually attacked, went through anorexia, bulimia, being cheated on time and time again and also a physically abusive relationship. no person in the world should have to go through that and as her partner i wanted to bring her into a positive position in her life but she kept on wanting to drag me into her arguing, insecurities, jealousies... in her mind this was her way of expressing her LOVE and i don't question that she did. but seen as it was an obsession of hers to love me and revolve her whole life around me which is not normal or practical every time i wasn't able to see her because of work reasons or studying reasons it would upset her, trigger her abandonment fears, fly into a rage, call me names, set me off and then i'd react to it because i would take it personal. i managed to get her to start up some hobbies, get her to rekindle some friendly relationships she broke off with her friends but that worked to my disadvantage. it made her believe that because she didn't think about me every 2 seconds she was able to live without me. so me trying to help her get out of that dark space she was in ended biting me right in the bottom.

i'm just excessively frustrated and upset with the outcome. she loved me and i loved her. we planned a future together but her obsession that caused her to be stressed out forced her to get rid of the drug that was upsetting her. and in her mind that was me. they have object constancy? which means out of sight out of mind. so if i'm not there how can she be thinking about me? she 'supposedly' has a replacement for me so i probably am getting zero thoughts from her. very upsetting seen as i have never in my life heard or seen someone break off a 2 year relationship and show zero respect, closure, empathy or sympathy for someone who supposedly meant the world to them.


sabine:

hey,

its not the case of trying to make her feel better. whats funny is the relationship did work up until she'd randomly rage and i'd be the United Nations trying to rebuild the bridge. it's like she went out of her way to rage even when there was nothing to rage about. it's upsetting looking at your partner crumble infront of you blaming you when in reality you've done nothing wrong. but in the end i have to blame myself. she lost feelings for me so there must be something that i done or could have done different. i did many things to make her feel better and ME and my PRESENCE used to be enough. she will never realise how i feel and how much love i had for her and the way shes reacted after breaking off a 2 year relationship by going NC it's like she has something to hide (which doesn't let me sleep at night) or i was the bad person in the relationship and NC has protected her from me which with all honesty is ludicrous.

[dah1029]

I think that we end up putting more work into them, than they put into themselves.  We want to cure them, and they're not looking to be cured.  We want to hold onto them, when they want to get away.    Nothing will change until she wants it to change.  Do you want to spend your life being her therapist?  Don't you think you deserve better than that?  I want a partner, not a mentally ill patient that lives with me.  I don't want to be someone's caregiver.  It's truly a no win situation.

[jeffrey12]

dah1029:

your totally correct. but i sickens me to think that after 2 years this is what i get. trying my best being loving and caring but it getting packed into a rocket and boosted straight back into my face with a nuke attached to it. and 3 months down the line and i'm in no better place than i was on day one of the break up.

[NormalityArrives]

I want a partner, not a mentally ill patient that lives with me.  I don't want to be someone's caregiver.  It's truly a no win situation.

These are very wise words. They would make a good mantra that anyone disengaging from the aftermath of a BPD relationship should repeat daily. Thank you.

[dah1029]

I badly wanted my partner back until just a few weeks ago.  When I saw what a mess he was when I ran into him, I completely changed my mind.  His self-destruction saddens me.  But I don't want that in my life.  The person I want  was the one he use to be when we met.  And we all know he's never going to be that person again.  I have to be the bigger person here and not allow his troubles to come into my life and the lives of my children.  My kids and I loved him so much.  But he's not in a  place right now that I want around my kids. 

It's been 7 mos since we split up.  I joined match.com the other day.  I went out on a  date and had a nice time.  I waited for the guy to tell me about himself and what he was looking for.  I didn't offer too much info about myself on the profile-- I don't want someone mirroring me again.  We like eachother and are going out again this wkd.  I've also been corresponding with a few other men.  One guy wrote me a crazy love note all over my picture and smile--  give me a break.  That set off red flags.  I didn't bother responding.  I have to admit that I've enjoyed the male attention-- my ego needed it. I'm not loking to be a serial dater, but the emails make me smile.  I'm definately going to be watching anyone I meet alot closer than I ever have. 

[redfeather]

Brilliant dah1029 ie I dont want a SEVERELY mentally ill "child" to raise either especially housed in a adult body. I think a lot of my pain the first go around with my pwBPD is I would not let go when she told me to. I just kept on and on with my thinking about how she wronged me, how I was made for her, we were meant for each other, we had so much in common, how much I loved her etc...
And then I kept trying to re-engage with her she would alternate between agreeing to meet me get back together or totally rebuffing me since she was seeing someone else..
Either way i was in enormous pain. She wasnt causing it I was. Though i perceived it as coming from her as i was the wronged one in all this.
I know NC is difficult but one skill that has helped me immensely is learning to stop ruminating on the whole ordeal and then get focused on me ie getting outside in sunshine, exercising, posting here has been a godsend in that every time I wanted to contact my ex I instead come here and bother you all!
So jeffrey12 keep posting when you feel horrible we will all get through this together! Hi!

[dah1029]

I agree Redfeather--  post here if you want to contact.  They don't have anything to say to us that we want to hear anyways. 

[Sabine]

I want a partner, not a mentally ill patient that lives with me.  I don't want to be someone's caregiver.  It's truly a no win situation.

These are very wise words. They would make a good mantra that anyone disengaging from the aftermath of a BPD relationship should repeat daily. Thank you.

DITTO!