Brutal day - please help a newbie

[Think About It...]

I've been divorced for 8 years from my UxBPDw (hope I got that right -- this is my first post, other than my intro).  We share 50-50 custody of S13, D9.

Today was one of the worst days in a long time.

I had, probably stupidly, agreed that my ex could take the kids to Boston for 6 days (5 days of her regular custody, 1 of mine) because -- she claims -- her mother is doing poorly.  My S13 is on spring break, but my D9 is missing school (he goes to a private school, she to a public school, as she has special needs).

That was mistake number one.  Looking back, I should have tried to verify her mother's condition by contacting one of my ex's relatives who is sympathetic to me.  If, as I suspect, there is nothing really going on with my ex's mother besides old age, then I should have said No to the entire trip

Undeniably stupidly, I had agreed to bring the kids to her apartment this morning at 7 a.m. and drive them all to the airport.

My ex is a nightmare to travel with.  She gets extremely stressed out, procrastinates, sometimes misses flights.  Naturally there was a 20 minute delay -- she was cutting it close.  But by the time she got in the car and we headed to the airport, there was enough time to get there.

She had some negative comments towards me in the car, but fairly minor.  She was on good behavior, for her.  When I dropped them off at the airport, 45 minutes before flight time, I figured they were OK (they had no bags to check). She even waved to me as I drove off and mouthed "Thank you."

I drove home.  Then the nightmare began.

My cell phone rang -- she was calling.  Instinctively, I let it go to voicemail.  She said: “They wouldn’t let us on the plane.  I -- I had the wrong time.  It left at 8:20, not 8:35.  I found another way to Boston but it costs $475 per ticket more.  I don’t have the money.  Please call me.”

[I pay child support to my ex.  She was supposed to get a decent paying job but never has.  She always wants more money from me.]

I finished making my breakfast.  I texted her back: “I’m not giving you more money for travel.”  Trying to maintain clear financial boundaries.

I saw that S13 was calling.  I let it go to voicemail.  First he explained the situation, as my ex had, and asked me to call.  He called a second time, this time saying in a shaky voice that if he couldn’t get to Boston to see Mom’s relatives, then he didn’t want to go on the two day ski trip I had planned with him and his sister a few days after they were to return from Boston.

I felt rage swirling around in my stomach.  Nice, K (my ex).  Screw everything up, then use J (S13) to pressure me to bail you out.

After a minute’s thought, I concluded that I could not give in to that pressure.  I was so looking forward to the ski trip with my kids.  But I couldn't allow J to use that kind of emotional blackmail. 

J started calling me repeatedly.  I finally took his call.  I told him I was sorry he was in this situation.  I told him that K should be able to work with the airline to find a way to Boston; that I had already given her a bunch of money for travel [we worked out a deal a couple of years ago where I give her extra travel money each year]; and that she needed to deal with this situation without me giving her more money.  I asked if K was talking with the airline -- he said yes, but there were no flights until Saturday. He eventually got silent and hung up.

I haven't heard anything since.  I figure I'll text tomorrow, when hopefully they are all in Boston and things have calmed down somewhat.

I feel angry, sad, and miserable about my son being put in these situations. And my daughter having to witness all the chaos my ex causes.

One step I am finally taking -- I've made initial appointments with two psychotherapists, so I can pick one and start going regularly.  I've finally realized that I need more help dealing with my ex.  Just to make things even tricker, D9 has some fairly challenging special needs (still love her to pieces).

I'm also realizing that I need to accept that my ex really does have BPD, and that I need BPD-specific strategies.  The third marriage counselor we saw during our 6 year train wreck of a marriage did one useful thing: tell me she thought K had BPD.  Finding this support group and trying to learn from it is, I hope, going to help me better deal with the situation.

I have a lot of questions about how to talk to my kids -- and especially my son -- about his mother.  She definitely uses him to try to get her way with me.  She is starting to do that with my daughter too.

I have started reading the related materials on this website.  Some good ideas in there.

I appreciate any comments or suggestions.

[Hadrian]

I've been divorced for 8 years from my UxBPDw (hope I got that right -- this is my first post, other than my intro).  We share 50-50 custody of S13, D9.

Today was one of the worst days in a long time.

I had, probably stupidly, agreed that my ex could take the kids to Boston for 6 days (5 days of her regular custody, 1 of mine) because -- she claims -- her mother is doing poorly.  My S13 is on spring break, but my D9 is missing school (he goes to a private school, she to a public school, as she has special needs).

That was mistake number one.  Looking back, I should have tried to verify her mother's condition by contacting one of my ex's relatives who is sympathetic to me.  If, as I suspect, there is nothing really going on with my ex's mother besides old age, then I should have said No to the entire trip

Undeniably stupidly, I had agreed to bring the kids to her apartment this morning at 7 a.m. and drive them all to the airport.

My ex is a nightmare to travel with.  She gets extremely stressed out, procrastinates, sometimes misses flights.  Naturally there was a 20 minute delay -- she was cutting it close.  But by the time she got in the car and we headed to the airport, there was enough time to get there.

She had some negative comments towards me in the car, but fairly minor.  She was on good behavior, for her.  When I dropped them off at the airport, 45 minutes before flight time, I figured they were OK (they had no bags to check). She even waved to me as I drove off and mouthed "Thank you."

I drove home.  Then the nightmare began.

My cell phone rang -- she was calling.  Instinctively, I let it go to voicemail.  She said: “They wouldn’t let us on the plane.  I -- I had the wrong time.  It left at 8:20, not 8:35.  I found another way to Boston but it costs $475 per ticket more.  I don’t have the money.  Please call me.”

[I pay child support to my ex.  She was supposed to get a decent paying job but never has.  She always wants more money from me.]

I finished making my breakfast.  I texted her back: “I’m not giving you more money for travel.”  Trying to maintain clear financial boundaries.

I saw that S13 was calling.  I let it go to voicemail.  First he explained the situation, as my ex had, and asked me to call.  He called a second time, this time saying in a shaky voice that if he couldn’t get to Boston to see Mom’s relatives, then he didn’t want to go on the two day ski trip I had planned with him and his sister a few days after they were to return from Boston.

I felt rage swirling around in my stomach.  Nice, K (my ex).  Screw everything up, then use J (S13) to pressure me to bail you out.

After a minute’s thought, I concluded that I could not give in to that pressure.  I was so looking forward to the ski trip with my kids.  But I couldn't allow J to use that kind of emotional blackmail. 

J started calling me repeatedly.  I finally took his call.  I told him I was sorry he was in this situation.  I told him that K should be able to work with the airline to find a way to Boston; that I had already given her a bunch of money for travel [we worked out a deal a couple of years ago where I give her extra travel money each year]; and that she needed to deal with this situation without me giving her more money.  I asked if K was talking with the airline -- he said yes, but there were no flights until Saturday. He eventually got silent and hung up.

I haven't heard anything since.  I figure I'll text tomorrow, when hopefully they are all in Boston and things have calmed down somewhat.

I feel angry, sad, and miserable about my son being put in these situations. And my daughter having to witness all the chaos my ex causes.

One step I am finally taking -- I've made initial appointments with two psychotherapists, so I can pick one and start going regularly.  I've finally realized that I need more help dealing with my ex.  Just to make things even tricker, D9 has some fairly challenging special needs (still love her to pieces).

I'm also realizing that I need to accept that my ex really does have BPD, and that I need BPD-specific strategies.  The third marriage counselor we saw during our 6 year train wreck of a marriage did one useful thing: tell me she thought K had BPD.  Finding this support group and trying to learn from it is, I hope, going to help me better deal with the situation.

I have a lot of questions about how to talk to my kids -- and especially my son -- about his mother.  She definitely uses him to try to get her way with me.  She is starting to do that with my daughter too.

I have started reading the related materials on this website.  Some good ideas in there.

I appreciate any comments or suggestions.

[colourguy]

Hi Hadrian.  Hi!

Good your on here. Just wanted to give my support to you and acknowledge the difficult circumstances you face with your family. I'm quite new here so i'll let more experienced memebers guide you as to where to go from here.
I can see it's really painful and frustrating for you to watch it happen and you probably feel pretty powerless to protct your childred from it.

I feel for you 

I thyink getting as much info and insight as you can is a great start and you'll find lot's on here and great supportive people.

Be encouraged 

colourguy

[sodacup]

Hadrian,

Sorry to hear about your tough situation. I am also relatively new to this forum - my daughter is just over one year old. I don't think I can give you any advice that you have not heard already. My ex, like yours, will ask for extra money outside child maintenance whenever she can. It is not the money that truly matters. It is that by giving in to this sort of demand, you can never establish a healthy boundary between you and ex. I think you did the right thing in this case. Hopefully, in the future your son will look back and understand that he too has to have boundaries between him and your ex. And you are setting an example for him.

Best wishes, and I hope things work out tomorrow.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? The focus of this board is about understanding the child, their needs, and supporting them in an intelligent and non self-sacrificing way. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are divorced, please go to Rebuilding our Life. If your topic is mostly about legal/custody issues, please go to Family law, Divorce, and Custody. If your topic is mostly about the other parent and you are still married, please go to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner. If you need help moving a thread, please contact a moderator. We are glad to help. :)

[JustSaying]

Hadrian,

I think you did great! Having bad things happen does not mean you did bad. The bad is the result of her poor planning, and you are not responsible for that. You can't save her from that.

Avoiding the problems in the future means avoiding her. She gets her own ride to the airport. As long as she relies on you, she's enmeshed with you and you can be the target. What happens if you get stuck in traffic--your fault automatically rather than her lateness or not knowing the departure time.

My x is a similar mess with travel. The solution seems to be that D14 figures out the route and times. Sigh. But I've 'trained' X to not see me as the solution. Heartless? Sure. But necessary.

I couldn't stop X from taking D on such a trip on her time. I know if they do take a flight I'll be nervous for the very stuff you describe. D will probably be texting me for advice the whole time and I'll provide it to her.

Not paying the extra $450 is the right decision, I believe. Paying it would teach her that you'll save her from the consequences of her not being prepared. With S, I'd simply say the two trips aren't connected and that he's going with you and you wish the best for his trip with his mom. Teach him to separate events and people.

[momtario]

 Hi! Hadrian;

I'm sorry for the way this all happened. I think it is so sad when I hear of disordered parents using their children against the other parent.  

I agree with everyone else- you did the right thing by not giving her the money; you had already done more than enough by agreeing to give one of your own days, and also by driving her (though I understand your wanting to see your kids off).

I hope that your son decides to go on your ski trip with you, because it sounds like a lot of fun and something you were really looking forward to.

Let us know how this turns out.

[Hadrian]

Thank you all for the support.  I will let you all know how things work out.  Right now, I don't even know if my ex and the kids made it to Boston.  I've texted my son and my ex, but they haven't responded.

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to talk to my son about his mother?  I feel like I need to give him some perspective on her -- i.e. that some of the things she does aren't right.

I know he is protective of her.  She relies on him to soothe her emotionally.  When she calls him on the phone, he is patient with her, but he sort of loses interest as she goes on and on.  I hear him saying "I love you Mom" repeatedly, at the end of the call, as a way to get her to end the conversation.

I am wary about putting a label on her when I talk to him, or suggesting that she is mentally ill.  That might be too much for him to deal with.  I think I should probably just be concrete -- talk about specific things my ex has done that are clearly inappropriate, such as, in this latest incident, being so disorganized that they miss the flight; and demanding extra money from me, rather than dealing with the situation herself.

What I'm really trying to figure out, and help him with, is whether my ex is being negative with my son.  I think my approach is going to be to tell him a little about how my ex got extremely negative and critical with me, during our marriage, basically for no good reason.  I plan to be careful to emphasize that I loved her very much (true) and that some part of me still cares for her today (also true).  In other words, I plan to be careful not to couch this as an attack on my ex, but rather as being sympathetic to her -- realizing that she has some internal emotional turmoil that can cause her to be critical of those close to her.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

[JustSaying]

Does anyone have any thoughts on how to talk to my son about his mother?

I talk directly about behaviors, but indirectly about people. D's mom didn't pick her up from school recently so she had to call me for a ride. So I talk to her about being dependable and doing what you say you'll do. Same night her mom was an hour late picking her up from elsewhere. I ask D if that was their arrangement. "No. She said she lost track of the time. It's always something." So D gets it without me having to say, "Boy that's irresponsible of your mom...typical!"

When X rages are D, D and I talk about how she likes to be treated, how she feels when her coach yells at kids, or when a teacher does. I point out how she and I talk when we have a disagreement, and that she'll have her own decisions to make about how to interact with people as she gets older.

Partly I do this to avoid allegations of alienation, and partly be/c these are larger issues than just her parents.

I do not talk to her about emotions regarding her mom. I don't talk about once loving or not loving her mom. I don't talk about how she should or should not feel toward her mom. She can determine that herself.

If D was having trouble exiting conversations, I'd teach her strategies for doing so. I might say, "Honey, I noticed that it's difficult for you to get off the phone when you're at the end of a conversation. I have that happen too, but it's when I talk to my sister. What has worked for me is to say something like, 'It was good talking to you and I'll see you on Tuesday. I have to go finish making dinner/doing homework/brushing teeth now. Bye.'" Teach him to directly say bye, but in a validating way.

[SmileAnyway]

Sorry for you, what a day!

You did the right thing.. If you'd buckled your son/daughter would be used as an emotional pawn again and again!  It's her pwBpd abusive behaviour that led to him calling you.  Her behaviour is not acceptable.

Your therapy plan sounds good.  Well done!

[tog]

I think you have to find a way to talk about this stuff with your son. My SO has an S12 who is also very protective of his BPDmom and she uses him as her confidant and ally in the custody/divorce situation.

Fortunately for us, he's a talker and he's pretty aware of his emotions, so he's bound to say something about how feels about situations. I personally think it's fine to ask your son how he felt about all that happened that day. Does he really want to go skiing but felt pressured to say he didn't? Personally, if I were you, I'd tell him it wasn't his decision whether or not he goes skiing, it's a family trip and he's going. That way, if he felt pressured to please Mom by not going, he could get out of it by saying, "Dad made me".

It is a fine line between alienation and supporting him, but doing or saying nothing is the worst thing you can do. I also think it's OK to tell him that going on trips with the family used to be frustrating and stressful for you because it was so chaotic. That's not alienation, that's sharing your feelings. Alienation would be saying, "Your mother is irresponsible and crazy and she makes everyone miserable whenever we travel!"

Even in intact families, parents get frustrated with each other, so saying that to your son is OK, in my opinion, and gives him permission to have his own feelings about it. We've had to work with SS12 on recognizing his own feelings and opinions and standing up for them even if it's not what Mom wants. Very hard to do when he feels like he has to take care of his mother emotionally and be her supporter and ally, and in her mind, him having an opinion different from hers or thinking she's anything less than a perfect mother is tantamount to high treason.

But it seems to be working and helping him set some boundaries with her, which of course, will be a lifelong task for him.

[MuGGzy]

Not having read the replies, I apologize in advance if I am just repeating anything..

If I could do it over again, I would have been more honest with my son and told him about his mothers "illness" and gotten him into a therapist, whether he liked it or not. "Protecting Him" from the truth about his mom so he doesn't feel worse about her has totally backfired for me. I have spoken with others and read on here similar opinions from children of BPDs, they ended up figuring it out anyways and if they find out later it can feel more like a blindside when they have been hurt even worse and could have protected themselves a bit better had they known more, sooner. YMMV and that is just my opinion.

I know how much it hurts when the BPD is using the kids to hurt you and get what she/he wants and they really are stuck in the middle. This is reprehensible on the part of the BPD but cannot be controlled by anyone but them. It leaves us being able to do nothing but repair or try to control the damage they cause as they happily skip ahead with no thought or care for what they have left behind.

The other thing is, I would NOT do any favors for her, picking her up and driving her to the airport? NEG, she can find her own way to get there. The missed flight and additional $$ is again HER problem and she can figure out how to deal with it and face the results of her procrastination, even though in her mind she did nothing wrong and is a "victim" of circumstances and sees nothing unreasonable with asking you and everyone else for help in fixing the situation she created. Anyone that tells her "NO" is of course BAD and selfish etc for not helping her.

I encourage you to keep going to see a good therapist too, I am going back to mine after several months off due to my BPDxW suddenly coming back on the radar and stirring things up again.

[SmileAnyway]

Good replies above.

Hi Hadrian,

Of course it is very very difficult to go NC with the co-parent of our children.  To some extent, at least whilst they are co-parenting the hold some amount of emotional blackmail over us.  I would imagine in the scenario, that what hurt you, wasn't that you turned your back on rescuing her (which you were totally right to do) but how that made you feel in front of your children.

Enough said by me... You did the right thing, rest easy.  But be aware there are no magic answers.

[little doggy]

I agree. i think you did really well. My d7 and s9 are still really struggling. Its 5 years since I separated adn xBPDw still cause chaos and havoc everyday and continues to hurt and emotionally abuse the children. I try talk to the children but they are very resistant to any discussion which criticies their mum. Strangely enough they seem better able to talk to my partner than me. I think it is because if they talk to me they see it as betraying their mum whereas they dont quite feel that same way with my partner (despite all the trouble my xw has caused with my partner). The only other thing that sometimes works is (something I learnt from the boards) "strike while the iron is cold". If ever I try to talk to the children it is when they are calm and relaxed and not necessarily thinking about the issue. Sometimes I have found they open up a little more. At the end of the day, I just try to give them a consistent message of support and reassurance. Hopefully when they are older they will understand the truth and strength in my words.
One other big lesson I have learnt (again from the boards) and I try apply is " dont engage, keep the worlds separate". Sometimes its very hard. A co-parenting issue requires communication but in those circumstances I would state the facts and deal with the issues succinctly and clearly. No other engagement. taking them to the airport was a great gesture and very generous of you but in the end created an opening to the BPD to make matters worse. In the beginning I found it very hard not be be friendly and supportive. Now ive learnt (in fact I have been taught the lesson many many times) - my children manage better when the 2 households (worlds) stay apart. I dont engage.
Keep doing a great job. Enjoy the ski trip. I am syure once the kids are there with you, they will have a fantastic time

[Matt]

Good thoughts from everybody, but no magic solutions of course.  I'll give my thoughts - how I handle things after 5 years of separation/divorce...

My kids are S13, D15, SD22 and SS34.  All were very hurt by the separation and divorce, and all love their mother very much (and me too).

First, I've learned not to agree to things that take the kids out of school.  Just a boundary I've found to be important.  School is important, and their mom doesn't always make good judgments, so I've made it clear that I won't agree to them being out of school except for super-important stuff that can't be done any other time.  Before I set that boundary, their mom would take them out of school unnecessarily, for dumb stuff, and I realized it would only get worse if I didn't set that boundary and maintain it.  You might consider that too.

I agree with everybody that you were right not to pay the extra money to fix the problem she created.  Being on time to the airport is not rocket science, but if you had paid it, she would have been rewarded for not using good judgment.

Taking that even further, I'll predict that within a year or so, you'll quit doing stuff like giving her rides to the airport.  I did stuff like that too at first - it's hard to say no after 10 years of marriage - but I don't do it anymore.  I'm not her free taxi, and I don't choose to be around her unless it's unavoidable because of the kids.

Being flexible about the schedule may be a good thing after awhile, but you probably want to minimize schedule changes for awhile, to avoid this kind of chaos.

Calling her family to see if her mom was really sick - not sure about that.  If you have good relations with her family maybe that would work, but I'd probably ignore her reason and just focus on what she is asking - a change to the schedule - and accommodate it if you can, or say no if it is not practical for you.  If you are minimizing face time and phone contact, and communicating only by e-mail, that will be easier:  "I'm sorry but that won't work out."  No need to argue about it - if it won't work out, then it's no, or if it will, it's yes.  And if she reacts badly to that, e-mail will document her behavior, and that may come in handy at some point.

About talking to the kids about their mom - a huge subject which is dealt with in many threads here, including some where I've gotten good help from others on that same subject.  It's a tough one for us all.  As others have said, usually best to talk about the behaviors not the person:  "It's wrong to tell you kids negative things about me." not "Your mom is lying."

A great book about this is "Divorce Poison" by Richard Warshak.  He has some surprising approaches which work;  he doesn't always say to take the high road, and he never says to take the low road.  Generally he says, tell the truth, and keep it simple and age-appropriate.  Usually best not to talk about their mom's mental illness, especially if it hasn't been formally diagnosed.  Kids can't understand personality disorders - they don't fit into TV's depictions of mental illness - and the courts frown on telling the kids anything that could be viewed as negative about the other party.

I would strongly suggest you not let any false accusations stand.  Get them out in the open.  If the kids say, "Mom said you did X." make an immediate and very clear statement:  "I have never done X, and anyone who says I did is not telling the truth."  Don't go on, just make that clear.

Then document it - maybe a letter to your attorney:  "S13 told me today that his mother told him I did X.  I have never done X.  Please advise me regarding the best way to handle this so Ms. Hadrian will be held accountable and prevented from making more false accusations to the kids or anyone else."

Your lawyer may tell you there's not much that can be done, but if it continues, insist that your lawyer take action of some sort - maybe a letter to your wife's lawyer - "Mr. Hadrian has told me that S13 has told him of multiple instances when Mrs. Hadrian told the kids that Mr. Hadrian did X.  Please instruct your client that she is not to make false accusations like this to the kids or anyone else.  If it continues we will take appropriate action which may include a reduction in Mrs. Hadrian's access to the children."  Or skip that step and file a motion with the court, asking for some form of sanctions - again, you might not get that, but you will be on record, telling the court this is going on and it is wrong.

Also, consider getting the kids into counseling, so there will be a professional listening to them.  You can let the counselor know - very briefly - "Mrs. Hadrian has been telling them I do X, which is not true.  I think that is causing them stress."  Then let the counselor handle it - she will be there for the kids, not you.  Over time, as she gains their trust, they may tell her stuff, and she is likely to help, but you'll have to be patient and let her do her job...

[little doggy]

OuT of interest, my partner reminded me it was Matt(about 2 or 3 years ago) who gave me the strategies to not engage. Keep contact short - "no more than 3 lines". Set the engagement tone to "Wise Mind"(not rude, but not friendly). It was hard at first but really helpful. Although things are still very tough I still live by those strategies and they have worked very well in reducing the stress of engagement for me and the kids. I guess it just shows that not only do the boards give great support, the wisdom of the fellow wounded is extremely helpful too.

[Matt]

OuT of interest, my partner reminded me it was Matt(about 2 or 3 years ago) who gave me the strategies to not engage. Keep contact short - "no more than 3 lines". Set the engagement tone to "Wise Mind"(not rude, but not friendly). It was hard at first but really helpful. Although things are still very tough I still live by those strategies and they have worked very well in reducing the stress of engagement for me and the kids. I guess it just shows that not only do the boards give great support, the wisdom of the fellow wounded is extremely helpful too.

Yeah, and I learned it from ForeverDad and others here.  (But it took me quite a while to become consistent at it, and that's when it really works well.)

[Pou]

Briefly about myself.  My wife has undiagnosed NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).  I am going through a serious situation right now with her.  People with NPD or BPD tends to live in an emotional reality and they projected onto themselves and on others.  In a way, I guess they have a completely different rule of living... for them, however they "feel" is what realities are to them and they are completely detached from how others view them.  It took me a long long time to understand this and I am still trying to understand it.  But in a nutshell ... your ex-wife sees the legitimate norm very different than the rest of the populations do.  So you maybe experiencing this constant frustration as long as you have any dealings with her.  By no means to take my words as if I am an expert ... I am still figuring out how to deal with my situation.  So take my words as a form of support but not as advice.  Whenever, my wife forces her realities on me .. I quickly walk away and yes, sometimes she will not let it up and chase after me .. I try to deflect and avoid any confrontation ... you only confront and discuss when you are dealing with someone who is able to rationally discuss and solve issues together.  However, I often caught myself still trying to rationalize with her .. I guess as long as we are together, I have to keep trying.  But it is completely frustrating and I always ask myself why bother trying.  Your ex-wife wants more money from you because she think she is clever to use kids to impose upon you in order to squeeze out extra $ from you, her reality says that is the right way to interact with you.  Perhaps, you could ask her to agree to "advance" money from next month if she is requesting for needs that are outside of your obligation.  However, you will need this in writing .. either via texting, emailing or a note ... Good luck, and look on the bright side, one day, your kids will be 18 and then you will have less interactions with her.  It is only few years away.

[Matt]

Good thoughts, Pou...

You're right, I've often been able to see my ex (who has BPD among other things) more clearly by understanding that she is feeling strong feelings, and perceiving reality based on those feelings and not based on what is really happening.

A good example is, when we were married she often accused me of cheating on her, which I never did.  She would say, "I know something is going on with So-and-so" - naming a real person - at one time or another she accused me of cheating with virtually every woman we knew.

Over time I realized that her statement - "I know..." - was probably true.  She did know it, just as I know that today is Wednesday.  It wasn't true, but she knew it anyway, because she felt that suspicion and fear of abandonment so strongly, it must be due to me cheating on her.

I had to either live with that - which eventually I just couldn't do safely - or end the relationship.  There was no way (without therapy which she refused) to convince her that she was seeing reality inaccurately.

About the $ issue:  I have a couple times given my ex alimony checks for the following month.  Make sure you make it for a whole month's amount and put "Alimony - May 2012" on the note line, so you will have the cancelled check to prove you paid it.  Not a loan you expect to be paid back, just paying early.  That worked well for me.

[tog]

My SO does tell his S12 about his mother's mental illness. She is formally diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, though I think the stuff wreaking havoc is uNPD/BPD. S12 is aware of a time that mom had a psychotic episode shortly after SO left her. She called SO for help and since he had the child (10 at the time) with him, he had to bring him into the situation, get her to the doctor, etc.

SS12 is being manipulated by mom to tell the courts that he wants to live with her. He has expressed concern that if he does decide to "give her total control" that she will "change" after. SO has told him that she has a mental illness and that's why her moods seem to change a lot.

I think protecting kids entirely is the wrong thing to do. They know something is off, even if they choose not to discuss it in order to protect their mother. If they don't hear that other people agree that something is not quite right, they are left to join with their mother in a distorted form of reality.

Even though SS12 is strongly aligned with his mother, I keep hoping that he is listening and when he's old enough to take a stand for himself he will.

[1stand10]

I gave my s15 the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  He hasn't read the whole book but I know he has thumbed through a couple of chapters.  The book won't convince him but it will give him specific behaviors to associate with his mom.  Then he can put the two together to see what is really going on.

Your situation sucks but I too agree you handled it very well when it came to the money.  I just don't know how you got in the same car with her to begin with. 

A word of caution.  As you go through T you will learn how to enforce more boundaries.  I learned that the more boundaries I enforced the more radical my stbxuBPDw became.  Expect more hostile exchanges and parental alienation.

[Matt]

It might be helpful to point someone - especially a young person who likes football - toward this new resource:

http://www.projectborderline.com/Official_Site/Home.html

Brandon Marshall - now with the Bears - was diagnosed with BPD and has talked about it very openly - some videos on the site and elsewhere online.

It may help a young person to see the disorder as it is - difficult for everybody involved, but treatable.