Should have handled the situation differently?

[Think About It...]

stbxNPDh has been really dysregulated all week, and today things have been really awful. He has stormed out of the house for time outs twice, because the first time, I stopped him from pinning D8 down until she was calm enough to listen to him without fidgeting (wasn't working, obviously) and then later, she was fidgeting when he tried to bring the conversation back up, and said she had to go to the washroom, so I said "Well, go to the bathroom and you can sit still when you get back" which i thought would be helping... A[[arently though, this was undermining him, and being unsupportive, and I should have agreed she was a liar and didn't really need the to use the facilities, and made her sit still.
Well, he hit the wall, screamed at me (no words, jjust noise) then lifted the safety gate from the stairs over his head breaking a lightbulb, then threw the gate, yelled again, cleaned the glass and stormed off... All this took place over the course of about a minute  and I don't know that i should expect him to come back or not. He did say that if he left again he might not come back. Is it terrible that I hope he doesn't? There is a good chance that I will be moving out by the end of the week if this keeps up,.

edit- I should also mention that apparently the look on my face made him feel like an @$$hole.

[momtario]

stbxNPDh has been really dysregulated all week, and today things have been really awful. He has stormed out of the house for time outs twice, because the first time, I stopped him from pinning D8 down until she was calm enough to listen to him without fidgeting (wasn't working, obviously) and then later, she was fidgeting when he tried to bring the conversation back up, and said she had to go to the washroom, so I said "Well, go to the bathroom and you can sit still when you get back" which i thought would be helping... A[[arently though, this was undermining him, and being unsupportive, and I should have agreed she was a liar and didn't really need the to use the facilities, and made her sit still.
Well, he hit the wall, screamed at me (no words, jjust noise) then lifted the safety gate from the stairs over his head breaking a lightbulb, then threw the gate, yelled again, cleaned the glass and stormed off... All this took place over the course of about a minute  and I don't know that i should expect him to come back or not. He did say that if he left again he might not come back. Is it terrible that I hope he doesn't? There is a good chance that I will be moving out by the end of the week if this keeps up,.

edit- I should also mention that apparently the look on my face made him feel like an @$$hole.

[momtario]

 Hi! Guys and gals

Would a few of you have a look at this thread I started on undecided please and tell me how I maybe could have handled the situation better? He was already gone before I could have reached the phone to call the police, but i can't help but think that maybe if I had validated or something... anyways, here is the link:

http://BPDfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=172455.0

Thanks

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GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Auspicious]

It sounds like time for CPS involvement. This is an abusive, terrifying, and dangerous environment for your daughter

You need outside light shining in on this. Outside light that he can't just shout or smash away.

[yeeter]

Hi mom!

Well, a lot of chaos for you still - Im sorry to hear things arent getting better quickly, but I know the reality of this likelihood - stay strong yourself!

First, my direct experience to draw from:  My children are a big part of what keeps me in this relationship.  I am very much concerned how my wifes behavior affects them - especially long term impact.  (in fact I had some stuff in my sons recent homework he did that was a bothersome sign, but thats another story).

I broke a chair once - out of frustration with my wife.  Picked it up and smashed it into pieces in the middle of the room.  I was SO frustrated that my wife and I were arguing, and that she deliberately pulled our D3 into the middle of the argument.  Twice.

Nobody was in the room when I did it - wife was standing just outside the doorway - but she called the police.  This meant I spent the night away from the house.  It also meant childrens services were called and there were interviews, followups, calls to my therapist, etc etc.  I dont know what all was said by my T - but you know what - overall I was very pleased with the openness CPS displayed to listening to me and to trying to genuinely help me stabilize the home life.  At least it seemed this way to me - I was expecting a very immediately labeling me as an out of control male asshole - I didnt get this.

Of course it was pretty easy for them to see the dynamics when the very first call my wife was being difficult with them - and it got worse from there (she was VERY uncooperative with them - even though she was the one that called the police)

I just cant tolerate intimidating, bullying, and using scare tactics/fear on children.  At least not to the degree it was happening in my house.

My recourse is to stay to help them.  Honestly, some days I feel like I am failing them.  But if I felt I would gain primary custody, I would say they are better helped by changing the environment by leaving. 

Call childrens services and tell them you are afraid of how the home environment is impacting the children, and that the temper/frustrations seem to be escalating physically.  First step is a triage - but could provide some useful insights.  And at a minimum its good to document these things.  (I exchanged a number of emails creating a paper trail of the dynamics - since as you know rewriting history can be a problem).

Yes its a very difficult thing to challenge each others parenting style and both be ok with it.  Very difficult.  BUT - you still have to suck it up and step in to protect your children.

As for discussing the incident and how it could have gone  better - maybe suggest that be a topic for MC (which of course if he wont do, then there is no way to make progress - since you cant work together on any conflict - which tells you the next step in and of itself).

Just my $.02  There are others here that can give much better advice.

[jessicapuppy]

Hi Momtario

I am sure that your H is able to sense your change in attitude towards him, and is having to up his game to get a reaction from you.  Having said that, he has clearly always had these tendencies, and does not need an excuse to display such behaviour.

I agree with Auspicious about the involvement of CPS, and I also think that you need to get out, before he gets any wiser to your intentions.  I truly worry about what issues this will leave your children with, in seeing and being subjected to such behaviour, and you know I also worry very much about you.

I am sure that if you were on the outside looking in on your situation, you would give very strong advice to yourself.

Stay safe xxx

[Steph]

It sounds like time for CPS involvement. This is an abusive, terrifying, and dangerous environment for your daughter

You need outside light shining in on this. Outside light that he can't just shout or smash away.

 Absolutely!

I wouldnt let him come back, or I would be elsewhere, after that abusive and horrifying event. A call to 911 would make sense, too, so the police can document the damage and assist you and your kids to safety

Your poor child! My mom was this way growing up and it did ALOT of damage to me and my sisters and scars remain to this day..

Please take this seriously. This is not normal, safe, healthy or even typical behavior. It IS abuse and very, very damaging to your child.

Id get out or keep him out. Right now.


Also, if CPS gets involved and demonstrates that you have not protected your kids, its possible they could remove them from your care, as well. If they believe you cannot keep your kids safe from him, they will pull them out. Yes, it happens!

So take this seriously. Stop worrying about him coming home and start thinking about how to keep you and the kids safe.

And no...validation is NOT going to work with abuse. Ever.

Steph

[yeeter]

One more question mom, because this part bothers me often:

Are you ever in a situation where you hesitate to step in, fearing that it will just make it worse for your daughter next time?  Essentially, he would be even more intimidating to her just to prove to you that he could?

If so... this is just fear propagating the abuse.  You have to break this cycle by being strong.

Be Brave.   

[momtario]

Are you ever in a situation where you hesitate to step in, fearing that it will just make it worse for your daughter next time?  Essentially, he would be even more intimidating to her just to prove to you that he could?

This happens more often than I would like to admit- it is the exact tactic he has taken to using lately.

The next time he's gone (possibly not till Monday) I plan to call the DV people again, and then probably the police and get things rolling. I probably can't press charges for what happened yesterday because nobody got physically hurt, but that's not the point- I probably wouldn't press charges anyways, I would just be calling for some solid advice.

I have hopefully found a job, and I may have found an apartment that will let me bring my dogs.

As for what happened with the rest of yesterday, shortly after writing this post, I told my friends what had happened and they came to get me and the kids so we could control when and how we saw him again- later we all went to my parents' place for dinner and acted like everything was normal 

He was still trying after we returned home to convince me that what I did was unnecessary and that I am constantly undermining his 'parenting' but as I wasn't interested in the conversation, it only lasted a few minutes.

Thanks all for the replies- I am definitely involving CPS when I leave, which won't be long because the stress and dysregulation aren't going to go away for quite some time.

[jessicapuppy]

On Thursday I met a 24 year old girl, who has Cervical cancer.  More than ever she needs her mother by her side, and yet she will not have anything to do with her mother.

From the age of 3, this girl was physically and emotionally abused by her mother's boyfriend, and she left the family home when very young, as a result.  This man is still with her mother, beating her regularly.

The girl cannot face a relationship with her mother, because during the years of abuse, her mother did nothing to remove her from that situation.  She cannot accept that her mother did not protect her.

Such a sad story.