need help setting limits

[Think About It...]

I am totally new to the whole world of BPD and I read about setting limits, but I don't know what is the best way to go about it. I want to start with something simple and was wondering if someone could give me some advice. I want to start with just one thing and see how it goes, then I'll move onto another. The thing I want to address is my wife's messiness. I want to tell her it is a very selfish behavior (but of course I can't say that) and that she needs to stop it. She will leave her own personal stuff all over the house, her clothes and belongings on the floor in our bedroom, her books, papers, etc. in the kitchen, den, living room, etc.

I am trying to teach the kids to clean up after themselves and she is not helping. Although, she will yell at the kids for not picking their stuff up while her's is lying all around.

The thing that gets me is that she will clean up all of her stuff, if someone (she cares about) is coming over. She doesn't want certain people to see how messy she really is. I have asked her several times, very politely, to please pick up her stuff. She says "ok" or "I will" but then never does. It seems very deliberate to me. I personally think it is selfish to make everyone in the family live in your messiness. And ,yes, I do keep all of my stuff where it belongs or I would have no ground to stand on this matter.

Just as side note, when I told my friend about this behavior, he said "well just keep inviting people over and she'll have to keep it clean". The problem is, she won't clean it unless they are her friends. She'll leave it messy for my friends.

So how do I go about setting a limit on messiness?

[JoeSchmoe]

I am totally new to the whole world of BPD and I read about setting limits, but I don't know what is the best way to go about it. I want to start with something simple and was wondering if someone could give me some advice. I want to start with just one thing and see how it goes, then I'll move onto another. The thing I want to address is my wife's messiness. I want to tell her it is a very selfish behavior (but of course I can't say that) and that she needs to stop it. She will leave her own personal stuff all over the house, her clothes and belongings on the floor in our bedroom, her books, papers, etc. in the kitchen, den, living room, etc.

I am trying to teach the kids to clean up after themselves and she is not helping. Although, she will yell at the kids for not picking their stuff up while her's is lying all around.

The thing that gets me is that she will clean up all of her stuff, if someone (she cares about) is coming over. She doesn't want certain people to see how messy she really is. I have asked her several times, very politely, to please pick up her stuff. She says "ok" or "I will" but then never does. It seems very deliberate to me. I personally think it is selfish to make everyone in the family live in your messiness. And ,yes, I do keep all of my stuff where it belongs or I would have no ground to stand on this matter.

Just as side note, when I told my friend about this behavior, he said "well just keep inviting people over and she'll have to keep it clean". The problem is, she won't clean it unless they are her friends. She'll leave it messy for my friends.

So how do I go about setting a limit on messiness?

[Steph]

 Sadly, you cannot control another person, even this way.

What you can do is have a talk with her, enrolling her as a team member.

" I am concerned about the level of messiness in the house and I know that you are, as well. I struggle with neatness myself and I need your help with this.  Can we talk about what we can do to better organize our home, making it neater and safer for our kids"

Make her a team member, as opposed to the person causing all of the problems.

Likely, shes overloaded and could use some help, but resists being the bad guy, and being judged, feels like a slob, etc. Instead, make it a joint parenting/family issue and go from there...

[Wanda]

 Steph is right boundaries are about you, not controlling her, like steph says maybe talking to her.
 now if there is something else we can helpwith : like when she starts to disregulate walking away going for a walk.
 or a good one for me was road raging if my husband road raged i wouldn't ride with him for a week or i got out of the car.. i made boundaries i could follow, otherwise it becomes a threat.
 as far as all those clothes if talking doesn't work sorry to say if it bothers u, then u have to pick it up if not walk over all her stuff, letting her deal with it even if friends are over. lucky for me my husband is a perfectionist i don't have that problem. but if there is a problem and i can't live with it i just do it, same with him if there is something he wants done, i just tell him to do it if he wants it done sooner usually he doesn't say much and lets me pick it up on my time, it is usually over something trivia.
 with me i am not a pig ,but i am not a profectionist like him either..

[artman.1]

There are some other ways of dealing with this.  Pick up her stuff, and place it in an unusual location.  If she cannot find her stuff, just say she must have missplaced it.  If this is followed very conciously and consistently, then she may learn to pick up, if she wants to find it again.  This method worked on my three sons while they were growing up.

Art

[JoeSchmoe]

Thanks for the replies.

I thought I understood about the boundaries thing, but I may not. I thought from reading the book they talked about setting boundaries in terms of what you will and will not tolerate from the BPD person (such as verbal abuse or the like) and the example they showed in the book was that you told them up front that this is your boundary and if they break it, then you react accordingly. So my question is, do I tell her up front that I don't like it and shouldn't have to put up with it and if she insists on doing it then she is breaking my boundary?