Taking a leap of faith in myself

[Think About It...]

I have a spouse of 26 years who is BPD. I have been seeing a therapist for 8 months and finally am beginning to see how I can have a life of my own, even loving and living with my husband, by setting limits, boundaries and seeking things out for myself. But, what do I do about the fear of what may be emotional repercussions or verbal and emotional abuse for my actions. Rather than continuing to deal with his needs and be passive about my needs as well as my son's needs, I would like to be able to relay to him, I love him and will not leave him, but have other social needs that he may never be able to accept. What are some ways you guys have dealt with the beginnings of change for you?
Thanks
Tcake

[tcake]

I have a spouse of 26 years who is BPD. I have been seeing a therapist for 8 months and finally am beginning to see how I can have a life of my own, even loving and living with my husband, by setting limits, boundaries and seeking things out for myself. But, what do I do about the fear of what may be emotional repercussions or verbal and emotional abuse for my actions. Rather than continuing to deal with his needs and be passive about my needs as well as my son's needs, I would like to be able to relay to him, I love him and will not leave him, but have other social needs that he may never be able to accept. What are some ways you guys have dealt with the beginnings of change for you?
Thanks
Tcake

[an0ught]

Hi tcake,

you would like to negotiate and get the approval of your spouse. For some it may be possible fir some boundaries and for some it may be impossible for others. But you don't need his approval. There will be conflicts - he won't be happy will all the changes. There is a space between his approval and him running away. You can do stuff without his approval - or does he have your approval for all the stuff he does?

Start where you feel a true need and are willing and able to take a stand. The first boundaries are scary and there is no change without pain and risks. It gets easier with every new one. And once the initial upsets are worked out the relationship improves in other ways too.

Where would you start?

[Steph]

Hi tcake,

you would like to negotiate and get the approval of your spouse. For some it may be possible fir some boundaries and for some it may be impossible for others. But you don't need his approval. There will be conflicts - he won't be happy will all the changes. There is a space between his approval and him running away. You can do stuff without his approval - or does he have your approval for all the stuff he does?

Start where you feel a true need and are willing and able to take a stand. The first boundaries are scary and there is no change without pain and risks. It gets easier with every new one. And once the initial upsets are worked out the relationship improves in other ways too.

Where would you start?

 Exactly...its baby steps. And as you see the changes that come from this, you will begin to understand how much more powerful these little shifts in thinking and behaving truly are.

I am so glad to read that you have a therapist and that your T seems to have a good handle on this stuff. YAY for you! Please keep us posted and let us know how things are

Steph

[yeeter]

Hi tcake,

you would like to negotiate and get the approval of your spouse. For some it may be possible fir some boundaries and for some it may be impossible for others. But you don't need his approval. There will be conflicts - he won't be happy will all the changes. There is a space between his approval and him running away. You can do stuff without his approval - or does he have your approval for all the stuff he does?

Start where you feel a true need and are willing and able to take a stand. The first boundaries are scary and there is no change without pain and risks. It gets easier with every new one. And once the initial upsets are worked out the relationship improves in other ways too.

Where would you start?

This is great advice tcake.  The first step is the hardest - but assume you arent ever going to get his support/approval - and assume he may try to undermine it even - but do it anyway!

Just pick one item and start with that.  For me I was surprised how big a difference even a small amount made in my own thinking.

The way my wife works is that everything is taken to an extreme limit.  So I had to get to a point where I didnt care if I stayed married - I was going to do xyz... (which was a reasonable thing for me to want to do, even though my wife would find some reason that I was being a bad person by doing it).  We would never agree on it, so why seek that in the first place?  After that it got easier (she recognized that it helped me and when I was better I was able to give more to the relationship for her benefit).  At least up to a point.

Pick one and go do.   

[survivalmode27]

Good Luck! I went strong in this area for a while and it got worse.  I think I made my mistake by taking on too much at once. It was a blanket effect. I did everything that I thought was morally correct, no matter what he thought. It blew up in my face bigger than it ever has before.

Now I am back to walking on eggshells. I think "logically" once he feels safer I will try again, even though what is logic and rational play a very tiny role in our lives.

Keep posting, I would like to see how it works out for you.

[CodependentHusband]

The way my wife works is that everything is taken to an extreme limit.  So I had to get to a point where I didnt care if I stayed married - I was going to do xyz... (which was a reasonable thing for me to want to do, even though my wife would find some reason that I was being a bad person by doing it).  We would never agree on it, so why seek that in the first place?  After that it got easier (she recognized that it helped me and when I was better I was able to give more to the relationship for her benefit).  At least up to a point.

Pick one and go do.   

In principle, I agree. I would add too though, that your pwBPD is a person, just like the rest of us, and they will have their own boundaries/deal-breakers, etc. Not every way that you can think of to take care of yourself is going to necessarily be okay with them... that's a fact, but some things that you may want to do could be especially distressing for them. For example, my wife really escalates if I go to happy hour with my male friends... it doesn't make sense, and it's not fair. It WOULD make me feel better to spend more time with my friends, but it's not the ONLY thing that I can do to take care of myself. When it comes time to spending time with my family, it's a hard boundary for me though... Sometimes you have to pick in order to not torment them. You will know when you got it right when you notice that your resentment doesn't build, and should actually subside to no resentment at all.

You are on the right track, and I'm glad to see that. It really is such a nice comforting feeling when we start to see how we can maintain a relationship with someone we love so very much, isn't it?

[survivalmode27]

 

In principle, I agree. I would add too though, that your pwBPD is a person, just like the rest of us, and they will have their own boundaries/deal-breakers, etc. Not every way that you can think of to take care of yourself is going to necessarily be okay with them... that's a fact, but some things that you may want to do could be especially distressing for them. For example, my wife really escalates if I go to happy hour with my male friends... it doesn't make sense, and it's not fair. It WOULD make me feel better to spend more time with my friends, but it's not the ONLY thing that I can do to take care of myself. When it comes time to spending time with my family, it's a hard boundary for me though... Sometimes you have to pick in order to not torment them. You will know when you got it right when you notice that your resentment doesn't build, and should actually subside to no resentment at all.

That is great advice and maybe where I went wrong in my situation. Going out for happy hour is an explosion in our house as well. My Family is a hot spot as well, but not something I am willing to give up. And the resentment does build!

Sometimes reading and researching on BPD makes me forget that they have their boundaries as well. I feel like I discredit his feelings when they shouldn't be, just because they are normally so irrational. It is still his perception and should be sincerely validated, not just validated to him to ease the emotions.

[CodependentHusband]

Sometimes reading and researching on BPD makes me forget that they have their boundaries as well. I feel like I discredit his feelings when they shouldn't be, just because they are normally so irrational. It is still his perception and should be sincerely validated, not just validated to him to ease the emotions.

What helps me is to remember that, even though her feelings are often irrational, it's her REALITY. It becomes much easier to validate your pwBPD when you "get" that her feelings are every bit as real to her as my disbelief that someone could possibly be that upset over a particular situation.

As for trying to change too much at once... Yes, it can be a painful lesson... Painful for both the non and the pwBPD. We don't always succeed, even with our best efforts, but with practice, we hopefully get better. Right now my pwBPD is in a push mode, but I have the confidence and comfort of knowing that it will pass as long as I do my part in validating her and not pushing too hard. Funny that my pwBPD doesn't even know this right now, but it's okay... Tomorrow will come, and things will be just a little bit better.

[yeeter]

In principle, I agree. I would add too though, that your pwBPD is a person, just like the rest of us, and they will have their own boundaries/deal-breakers, etc. Not every way that you can think of to take care of yourself is going to necessarily be okay with them... that's a fact, but some things that you may want to do could be especially distressing for them.

You are on the right track, and I'm glad to see that. It really is such a nice comforting feeling when we start to see how we can maintain a relationship with someone we love so very much, isn't it?

A good reminder CDH.  Its about balance.  But the majority of us here are in a mode that is not balanced.  So need to be nudged a bit to figure out our own needs, and to respect ourselves enough to accept these needs as valid (even at the expense of what our partner might need at any given point).  So the question is - can you find some things that you both can support, that gives you some balance in your life.  This is ideal.  But not always possible, especially in relationships that are imbalanced to begin with.  For me I am craving some interaction with other adults (I dont get this at work, and have young kids that demand all free time - this leaves a very modest interaction with my wife only... not completely satisfying nor balanced).  The schedule is very tight and limited.  My wife very successfully completely isolated me from my friends and support network over the years, and I want to get some of this back.  She doesnt like my family and doesnt like me interacting with them.  I want some of that back as well.  This means I have to prioritize it and also means something else - that she might prefer I do - will NOT get done.  Its all relative, Im not talking anything like going out for drinks with a group of males and oogling other women - Im talking about sometimes going out and having a beer with a friend, or a coffee or lunch even (once every month or so), and just talking about life or other stuff - not a crazy request, and these friends are very upstanding, successful pillars of their community.  Someday I dream of being able to go out to listen to music or a play or something like that (but I know that will need to include my wife and I just need some interaction from other humans that are not her from time to time)

So I am just saying to be considerate yes, and if you like even test with a third party on what is reasonable, but that at the end of the day you very well might NOT get your partners support.  This doesnt in any way mean you shouldnt do what you need to remain emotionally healthy yourself.

This is about putting your own life vest on.  I dont think you can live your entire life processing everything through your partners emotions.

Definitely agree on baby steps.

As for figuring out how to maintain the relationship... sorry, Im still not there (in fact the more I detach and look at it objectively without emotion, the more I see that it will never be possible for us).  So acceptance, and make decisions accordingly.

[CodependentHusband]

Yeeter,
   Well-stated. I agree. It's not balanced... Never will be, unless they get therapy. We have to choose from the choices available to us.

[tcake]

Thank you all so much. I am sure you all know how great it made me feel to get your response and know I am not alone, as well, knowing all of you understand. It is absolutley a wonderful feeling. Balance, that is a good word. To find a balance in my life with my husband is definately a challenge that may never be found. Yes, maybe if he ever gets into therapy, but he hates those mirrors he is exposed to when he has tried to seek therapy. But, I will continue with those "baby steps." Thanks so much. I have let him know I want to spend some time with my family on Easter Sunday. Of course, he came up with something he wants to do with me instead of me going through with my plans. I am staying on course. Surviavalmode27, please stay strong, keep posting and keep trying as I am going to do.
I really know about the egg shells. Stay with the course. Thanks to all!
 

[an0ught]

Thanks so much. I have let him know I want to spend some time with my family on Easter Sunday. Of course, he came up with something he wants to do with me instead of me going through with my plans. I am staying on course. Surviavalmode27, please stay strong, keep posting and keep trying as I am going to do.

Good to hear you are planning to visit your family. Anything you can do that is strengthening your support system may be registering as abandonment/leaving him alone/not caring about his needs but will help you to get stronger and handling the relationship better.

Hang in there, holidays are tough on us 

a0

[real lady]

I have been seeing a therapist for 8 months and finally am beginning to see how I can have a life of my own, even loving and living with my husband, by setting limits, boundaries and seeking things out for myself. But, what do I do about the fear of what may be emotional repercussions or verbal and emotional abuse for my actions.

It is so wonderful that you are in counseling and can begin to see how you CAN have a life of your own and loving and living WITH your h...I am there too...Fear is something that I am realizing that our BPDhs live with constantly. Fear of intimacy; when we get too close and fear of abandonment, when we pull back or show boundaries.

I have accepted him AS HE IS and also MY RIGHT to live a happy life (so I have no guilt for being happy when he is miserable) and learn to LIKE myself and be as consistent in my behavior; whether I am "wanting to be close" to him (which is too scary for me right now) or needing time away from him, which I CAN verbalize and let him know that I NEED IT for ME.

What I hear in your question is "HOW CAN I DEAL WITH MY FEAR of his acting out due to MY decisions to take care of me"? I think that is more a part of taking care of ourselves and "letting him be him" but not validating the rages and emotional dysregulation but saying NO to being emotionally abused.