Family issues...

[Think About It...]

So my uBPDw has not only made me distance greatly from my family and friends, but also her own.

I am slowing finding the courage\ways to begin the rebuild my relationships. I am not doing well with friends part, but i believe I am starting to with my parents and hopefully one day with my siblings.  My family is not the point of this post today...

The point of the post is her family.   I really have no problem with her family, they are not mine,  they do irritate a bit with the advise they give, but not even enough to even give my wife a hard time about it.

Going into my marriage and before I had any clue about BPD, there were things I wished my wife did better in the relationship with her own parents.   She would see here parents at least once a week, usually for church and Sunday breakfast, and would always cut their grass during the summer.  Some of the conversation was a little off, but overall ok.

As she pushed me away from my own family, she was also walking away from her own.  I would encourage us to visit\call hers, but I had to fight so much for my own I lost interest in encouraging hers.

Her family relationships with her own parents and brother\his family, have come so bad now it is just sad.  She can go several months and not communicate with her brother and the niece's and nephew she claims she adores.  She can go weeks with no communication with her own parents.  Her parents will call\email\text to check-in and she has gone days or longer without responding. 

They sent us a easter dinner invite almost ten days ago, she never called her parents or anything in response. Wednesday night we get a voice mail on the home phone, asking if we got the invite.  (I think it was really a call to say "are you alive?",)  I think they had every right to because it was 2 weeks since I know they last heard from there daughter.

Sorry for the long email story to sent the stage but here is my problem.

I do not think it is my responsibly to return their voice mail etc, so I did not not.  I first heard the message and immediately let me wife know, if she did not see the voicemail.  So now 2 days later last night, (unfortunately I had my phone upstairs ) I get a text,  "are you ok, we have been trying to reach you?  I did respond this morning when I saw the text, "We are just fine, sorry my phone was upstairs and I did not see the text to this morning."

I check my email this morning and get this message to the both of us...

We haven't heard from you.  Mom called you twice and left messages, but you haven't returned the calls.  Are you alright?  Please call are we are very worried.

Dad

my wife responded this way to the email, back to both of us

I responded to Mom's email a few hours ago. We've had a busy week; Henry35 listened to the message from the other night.  The second call was around dinnertime today.  "Very worried"?

The invite's date has April 3rd marked on it; that's not for almost a work week's worth of days...who's all invited?



Do intervene? Do I respond to the email?  Do I try to cover for my wife? I am sure her parents are hurting... and I hurt for them.     

[Mike76]

So my uBPDw has not only made me distance greatly from my family and friends, but also her own.

I am slowing finding the courage\ways to begin the rebuild my relationships. I am not doing well with friends part, but i believe I am starting to with my parents and hopefully one day with my siblings.  My family is not the point of this post today...

The point of the post is her family.   I really have no problem with her family, they are not mine,  they do irritate a bit with the advise they give, but not even enough to even give my wife a hard time about it.

Going into my marriage and before I had any clue about BPD, there were things I wished my wife did better in the relationship with her own parents.   She would see here parents at least once a week, usually for church and Sunday breakfast, and would always cut their grass during the summer.  Some of the conversation was a little off, but overall ok.

As she pushed me away from my own family, she was also walking away from her own.  I would encourage us to visit\call hers, but I had to fight so much for my own I lost interest in encouraging hers.

Her family relationships with her own parents and brother\his family, have come so bad now it is just sad.  She can go several months and not communicate with her brother and the niece's and nephew she claims she adores.  She can go weeks with no communication with her own parents.  Her parents will call\email\text to check-in and she has gone days or longer without responding. 

They sent us a easter dinner invite almost ten days ago, she never called her parents or anything in response. Wednesday night we get a voice mail on the home phone, asking if we got the invite.  (I think it was really a call to say "are you alive?",)  I think they had every right to because it was 2 weeks since I know they last heard from there daughter.

Sorry for the long email story to sent the stage but here is my problem.

I do not think it is my responsibly to return their voice mail etc, so I did not not.  I first heard the message and immediately let me wife know, if she did not see the voicemail.  So now 2 days later last night, (unfortunately I had my phone upstairs ) I get a text,  "are you ok, we have been trying to reach you?  I did respond this morning when I saw the text, "We are just fine, sorry my phone was upstairs and I did not see the text to this morning."

I check my email this morning and get this message to the both of us...

We haven't heard from you.  Mom called you twice and left messages, but you haven't returned the calls.  Are you alright?  Please call are we are very worried.

Dad

my wife responded this way to the email, back to both of us

I responded to Mom's email a few hours ago. We've had a busy week; Henry35 listened to the message from the other night.  The second call was around dinnertime today.  "Very worried"?

The invite's date has April 3rd marked on it; that's not for almost a work week's worth of days...who's all invited?



Do intervene? Do I respond to the email?  Do I try to cover for my wife? I am sure her parents are hurting... and I hurt for them.     

[an0ught]

Hi Henry,

it is tempting to solve her problem. But that way - what do you accomplish? This is a typical transient problem not warranting your direct intervention. Your real long term problem is her taking responsibility for her stuff. Solving the short term problem is going to just compounding your long term problem. You may even isolate her more. Not a winning strategy.

Her parents - her problem.

The way I now look at my wife's problems (and there are of course many) is either it is her problem or as an opportunity to help her a little with her problem through validation first and then some coaching on validating communication and boundaries. But leaving the problem with her.

So how could that look like using SET...

S: Hmm, not sure I can help here. Communication with parents can be very difficult. They always push and it is hard to say no to them!

E: It seems you are not eager to visit or communicate. It is uncertain who we would face there. After a longer break it will feel uncomfortable coming back. It is natural to worry what they may think.

T: You, your parents and me need to make some definite Easter plans now. I would/would not (your truth) like to see them but they are your parents and you decide here. Uncertainty hurts all of us. It won't be fun to settle this soon but for all of us the sooner the better. Calls are often more effective to come to an agreement with limited time but again you decide how to handle it.


that way pushing it strongly into her direction. Or going into a dialog...

...to come to an agreement with limited time. How do you feel about the idea of the Easter dinner?

that way giving her the opportunity to voice whatever. Then validate whatever and push her for solving the problem by repeating T. Ultimately it is her problem. And if she does not communicate the fallout is also her problem. You have done your part.

[Lila]

Henry, thanks for posting this.  My sister is uBPD and I watched her push her in-laws away years ago and now she is doing the same with me and our family. I do wish I knew years ago what was going on with her in-laws but I just believed what she told me althought I did suggest to her that she allow her husband to go visit his father on his own if she really did not want to see her FIL.  I had no idea how bad things had gotten nor how deep her dislike of her inlaws and now my family went.  Thanks for the insight.

[Mike76]

Thanks anought,  I do know it is her problem to deal with.  Thank you for the suggestions anought. I think some of them could help.

I think in this sincero (her parents),  I am afraid if I do not make it my problem at all it will become my problem and this is why.   Her parents could call my parents and say "have you heard from them", and then I will need to make the decision to defend me or my wife(if my parents ever ask).  Or if her parents call the police to check up us, I then have that issues to deal with(who knows were that snowball).  If I did not hear from my child(I do not have any), for several days after inquiry I would do anything to check-up on them.




  

[dah1029]

I think I'd have to be polite and get in contact with them.  It's proper social behavior.  Don't lower yourself to her standards.  Expect better social behavior from her.  Let the in-laws at least know that you did receive the invite, thank them, and tell them that the message will be relayed to your wife.  Otherwise it looks like you're both ganging up on them and they don't understand what's going on. 

I just believe in being polite and acting appropriately socially.  And if there's an issue, it needs to be addressed-- they have the right to know what the problem is.  I just think it's unfair to leave people in the dark.  Especially after I was dumped by my BPDbf without explanation or closure.  I now feel that I should always be honest and assertive with people.

[CodependentHusband]

henry,
    It is tough seeing your wife be essentially estranged from her family. I understand your pain in this, and I understand your desire to "fix" things. My wife hasn't spoken to her sister for several months. My experience has shown me that getting involved is likely to further complicate things for your wife, because you would be attempting to "control" the situation.

   I will tell you what I do, which seems to go over better with my wife. I respond to direct communication from my SIL, but I am very careful in what I say to her about my wife. I also make sure that I tell my wife that I got a call or text from SIL. It's so much easier to just be open about it all. As for her contact/no contact, it's your wife's battle.

  What makes you want to intervene? That may be worth thinking about a bit, in my opinion.

[Mike76]

The question was ask more than once "Why do I wish to intervene?"

The only answer I can give is this I do not wish to be the bad guy(son-in-law)... Out of the few times we see them each year, I have been cornered by her dad "Asking why do you\we not stop by more often?".  Without lying the only answer I can give is "I would like to but you daughter wishes not to!"  I just give the answer my wife has previous provided me to give.  We are to busy...     

I also feel visiting once a month or every 2 months for a couple hours is the correct and honorable thing to do.

This is one of the issues that have also caused one of the biggest issues in marriage.   I make the time to see my parents once a month\ every other month for just a  few hours.   When I do it has created a war at home, and I also get the response "I do not see my parents, why do you need to see yours." 

I have been told that my parents are horrible people, because they like seeing me for visits, and her parents to not expect it.

[dah1029]

Henry--  you need to do what's right for you.  If you feel it's proper to respond to them when they ask, then you should.  Never lower your standards.  You don't have to interfere or be the mediary in their R/S, just properly respond if they contact you directly. 

And as far as your family goes, never let anyone come between you and them.  You will greatly regret it if something happens to one of them and you weren't involved with them as much as you wanted to be. 

As you see on this site, these partners come and go, follow your heart and your beliefs in family.  It's your life too.  There's no 2nd chances.

[Auspicious]

Henry--  you need to do what's right for you.  If you feel it's proper to respond to them when they ask, then you should.  Never lower your standards.  You don't have to interfere or be the mediary in their R/S, just properly respond if they contact you directly. 

Right. If you want to talk to them, do, but you don't have to intervene or take sides or anything. There's a difference.

E.g.

you see worried messages - you decide to call them

You: "Hi folks, yes, we're fine."

Them: "We tried to call her 15 times, what's wrong?"

You: "Well, I really don't know. Just wanted to let you know we're OK."

Them: "But why didn't she call us back?"

You: "I don't know."

[CodependentHusband]

Them: "But why didn't she call us back?"

You: "I don't know."

I think that this is good advice! Something very much along these lines has served me well for several months now.

[Auspicious]

Them: "But why didn't she call us back?"

You: "I don't know."

I think that this is good advice! Something very much along these lines has served me well for several months now.

I'm not going to lie and say that it doesn't suck ... it doesn't feel "normal".

But it is what it is. You really aren't responsible for managing her relationships for her. And you really don't know why she does what she does (you might have a good notion, but that's not the point  )

[martillo]

I will echo what dah1029 has already said.  I told my uBPDh several years ago I love and enjoy my family and I will not live with regrets; therefore, I will spend time with them if and when I choose.  H is always welcome, but if he chooses not to participate with my family that is his decision.  My family is aware that H has FOO issues and has always welcomed him with open arms and most of the time he is good company when we are all together with my family. 

H and I also now spend major holidays at our own home with any family or friends who want to join us (after many years of traveling to make sure each family got "equal time" - exhausting, and made us both begin to hate holidays!  Holidays still a major trigger for my H though...) 

H has a sort of love/hate relationship with his own family (his mom is most likely uBPD - at the very least, very high conflict - and his dad does lots of enabling activities).  In the past, I would try to "push" H to have a better relationship w them and I finally came to the conclusion that I assumed that at some point he would be able to have the type of relationship I enjoy with my family and guess what?  2 different families / 2 different dynamics - and I needed to step back and accept that I didn't cause H's FOO problems; I can't "fix" H's FOO problems; I can only be as supportive as they want or allow me to be.

Enjoy and honor your family; be kind to and honor her family.  ...and be true to who you are. 

[Mike76]

Thanks everyone...

One of the biggest things that I worked on in counseling, it is OK for me to have my own feelings, thoughts.

Unfortunately this has been a huge learning curve for me... I have confused it with so many of the tools and techniques we can use boundaries, validation, etc.

I have learned was to deal with and accept, my current relationship with my family.
I do not understand her relationship with her family.

You all provided me some advise for her family,  I do not wish to force it upon my wife.  You helped with answers for when her family starts contacting me.

[Auspicious]

You all provided me some advise for her family,  I do not wish to force it upon my wife. 

Well, no, we provided advice for you - precisely because you can't force anything on her or her family.

[Mike76]

You all provided me some advise for her family,  I do not wish to force it upon my wife. 

Well, no, we provided advice for you - precisely because you can't force anything on her or her family.

It is for me...  That is what I meant sorry for the wording