how to respond when H tells me what my "real intentions were"

[Think About It...]

Good points here. One primary thought that I think is central to this is the myth that the non needs approval from the pwBPD. Cognitive abilities of the pwBPD get compromised when dysregulated. Do we want to be guided by disordered thinking?

[CodependentHusband]

Good points here. One primary thought that I think is central to this is the myth that the non needs approval from the pwBPD. Cognitive abilities of the pwBPD get compromised when dysregulated. Do we want to be guided by disordered thinking?

[real lady]

Cognitive abilities of the pwBPD get compromised when dysregulated. Do we want to be guided by disordered thinking?

What I am doing when he states HOW HE FEELS is NOT to disagree or invalidate but to AGREE and say "I would or I DO feel the same way"...I am "siding with him" and when he "goes off cognitively" I am NOT "giving an answer, explanation or defense"...I am nodding and say "WE NEED HELP TO TALK ABOUT THAT"...period. That is my FINAL answer ()

The answer to your question is H no. I won't let it sweep me away on the wings of his emotional dysregulation. I "step back" and have to validate myself with above comments; if anything is said or done by me at all...

[CodependentHusband]

Okay. Good! They will take you on a rollercoaster ride in a heartbeat. Lol it's good to be off of it though, isn't it?

[nvrmyturn]

Wow, my BPD H is always "analyzing" me and telling me why I "really" am saying or doing something. He also says he watches my "body language" and can tell a lot from that. I feel like I have to choose my words very carefully or he twists the meaning/intent and almost convinces me that he knows my deep emotional thoughts better than I do.  He is a terrible listener... I guess because he isn't actually "hearing" what I am saying but trying to dissect each word or inflection so he can TELL me what I mean.  He is super insecure so he uses "hurt" as a way to manipulate me into keeping my mouth shut... or rather I ALLOW him to use the hurt that way.
It's amazing how many times my story is being told by other members of this group. I truly feel that I have "someone" that understands what I deal with.

[JustSaying]

my BPD H is always "analyzing" me and telling me why I "really" am saying or doing something. He also says he watches my "body language" and can tell a lot from that.

In the beginning I'd work to clearly express what I meant so there'd be no confusion or ambiguity. Of course that never worked because we had such different realities. Anything I'd say led to a modified analysis, and like you, on to body language. When I'd object to that, her response was, "Well you don't realize you're doing it."

So we'd transition from "I know what you really mean" to "...and you can't even mount a defense because you don't know your true intentions anyway." For me that effectively stopped communications because it left no path for mutual understandings.

I hope that using the tools here, including ones on breaking circular arguments , helps to provide more suitable results for you.

[yeeter]

In the beginning I'd work to clearly express what I meant so there'd be no confusion or ambiguity. Of course that never worked because we had such different realities.

For me that effectively stopped communications because it left no path for mutual understandings.

I hope that using the tools here, including ones on breaking circular arguments , helps to provide more suitable results for you.

Ditto here.  And the lessons themselves focus on 1) preventing it from starting and 2) walking away and disengaging if it does start.

So my problem is that I cannot control her behavior - and she still jumps right into setting up these arguments, I have become so protective of starting that it has reduced all our interactions to surface niceties at best.  She lives in her world, I live in mine.

Does anyone have some effective tools that enable a healthy sharing?

[JustSaying]

I have become so protective of starting that it has reduced all our interactions to surface niceties at best.  She lives in her world, I live in mine.

That's exactly where I ran into a brick wall. I wasn't willing or able to wait till the next good part of the cycle, and I was at my own limits of tolerating the more difficult times. I never found a satisfactory way beyond that...but hope you and others are more successful.

[Peace4ME]

Does anyone have some effective tools that enable a healthy sharing?

Well, uBPDbf and I did an activity last night that his T suggested that was really nice. (But I kind of doubt he would have done it if it was my T that suggested it so I don't know if your pwBPD would be up for it).

Its basically an emotion or mood gauge. He suggested that we do it right when we get home from work everyday to understand each other's current mood and emotions.
We tell each other 2 things we appreciate about each other or something that happened during the day. 1 thing that we are frustrated with (each other or the day). 1 project or outstanding issue that needs to be tackled and 1 positive goal.

I don't think we will do this every day and I'm sure it can be adjusted, but it ended up being a constructive and safe way to share, because you aren't allowed to defend against the other's frustration. I think we are going to keep the notebook in the kitchen and write it down most evenings.

Again, the pwBPD has to be open to these things.

[artman.1]

You are right. I dont know why i do this (expect a "normal" response.).
How do you get away from doing this?  I dont know if he has BPD. i think he has traits of this and also of NPD.  He is very hard for me to live with. and worst of all he accusses me of all of the disorders (even though he is on the meds... he says he is on the meds, and has depression bc of me, and our r/s, but he wont do what the mc says to do, but just stays detached, and verbally abusive.)

     I can see an abusive behavior that has far reaching consequences to a family that is at best trying to cope with day to day life.  I see a Non, that is experiencing PTSD from the hands of an extremely sick individual.  This abusive behavior is leaving scars that will exist with the Non, and the children for the rest of their lives.  How do we cope, and protect each other from this terror that occurres behind doors in our homes every day.  What do we say to help each other with such pain.  How do we come to the aid of a fellow Human Being that needs love that has been witheld for years, and they are rightly suffering.  How?  How?  What can we all do for each other?

Art

[yeeter]

A fair question Art, and there ARE things that can make a difference

First I will point out this board ( and any others like it ) have been huge and made a tremendous impact on many lives.  This includes the quality, and generosity of the volunteers that provide such good insight.  And in no way do I want to minimize the shared knowledge of others who are living it

So continued, regular participation makes a difference

Then there is our self.  We can arm ourself with knowledge, and STRENGTH!  If we are knowledgable, and healthy, and strong both emotionally and physically, we are able to help our SO.  And doubly so we are able to help others around us that might be affected by this person ( like children and other family members).  Think of it this way... If we just ran away then the person would go make someone else's life difficult.  By getting strong and holding our ground, we help both ourself, those around us, and other future victims.

And ultimately, over time, we might find a way to slip a little influence in there and truly change behavior.  So yes it's a caretaker nurturing mentoring type role ( not what we originally signed up for in the relationship, but what we did get, so I guess we play out drawing the short straw...)