Recent breakup with my EXBPD who has 2 children- please help

[Think About It...]

Hi Everyone- a short into on my situation.

I am 49 yr old guy, fit and toned who had what I elf-diagnosed as BPD. She is 40 with 2 amazing children (5 & 7).
I met her almost a year ago running raining that i was the trainer at. She instantly was taken with me and was persistent i come to meet her afterwards to listen to Jazz ( she SMS'd me twice to check if i was coming). She is very sensual and knows what she wanted, me!
We started dating and o the 1st visit to her house (after 5 days) i met the kids who weres taken with me immediately. We had a bustup that night as after several drinks she wanted sex with me on the loungeroom floor and as the kids were 15feet away in their beds and i was stll reeling from meeting them (and of her strong come-ons) I told her i was a bit uncomfortable with sex right there. She castigated me and told me "what good are you etc etc..I said it was best i go and I did. Driving home I thought i didnt want to see her agian..But she rang and rang on my drive and i wilted after a da or so and the rest is history.
She was an ex- Australian Ballerina and has a dysfunctional family (eldest brother sexually abused her), a drunk father who died when she was 14, and a mother who only showed any closeness if she as performing or being a star).
After months of me spending almost every night there and the kids treating me like a 2nd dad, i was asked that I shouldmove in or I wld not be seriou about future.
We fought often and usually over her incredible insecurity and sensitivity to anthing that i said that made her feel unwanted, unappreciated etc..yet i treated her like a princess.

After 2months of living together - her ange and rage in fights caused me to leave 4-5 timed but she always screamed for me to come back or stopped me from leaving (in tears and pleas).
About 5 weeks ago she attended a 50th anniversary Ballet Reunion that ex Ballet Performers from all over Australia attended. She went with her two best gf's who were also ex-Australian Ballet and they booked a room to stay near the event together. She rang the next day and siad she was spending the day with the girls and wld be home by 6pm. When she got home i was excited and cooking a great meal and had a nice wine on the bench with 2 glasses. She seemed distant and non-lovig when she got back and it only took an hour or so for her to pick a fight (over nothing).

She wanted me out...I stayed 3 more days and after a large fight she, screamed at me to "get the F@k out"..I was gobsmacked!

I found out the reconnected with a guy from the other side of the country at that event that she knew from 20 years ago when she was dancing in that city (he was married to her ex-Ballet Mistress).
I saw photos of him and her on her FB page - shedefriended me straight away after she kicked me out but i could still see it via a Link. A post by him about "finding a special someone that rekindles your inner spirit" and a messgae from him to her "Sound Familiar" confirmed it.

She tried to keep in contact with me after I lefrt and when i asked her about what was going on she said "you can make up any story you want to make yourself feel better"..but I knew. She since has had him over from his city and let him stay at her house (with the kids there!) which i cldnt believe.

She told me last week she is in a relationship with him...He has 2 kids from his ex-wife and just split up ith a 2yr relationship around when they hooked up.

I am gutted as she told everyone I was the spcial one and that she wanted to marry me and even have a child with her if i let her know before too long.

She takes no responsibilitt, has shown no remorse or care at all for me and feels she has done no wrong.

I told her i didnt want to speak to or see her again about 1-2 weeks ago. She has not contacted me since she told me she was i a relationship with him. I dont know ho that will work as she has 2 small kids, a great business here, and he has 2 kids and an ex wife and great job on the other side of the country.

Please let me know your thoughts or comments.

I am struggling with it all..

Thx

Rooftop

[rooftop]

Hi Everyone- a short into on my situation.

I am 49 yr old guy, fit and toned who had what I elf-diagnosed as BPD. She is 40 with 2 amazing children (5 & 7).
I met her almost a year ago running raining that i was the trainer at. She instantly was taken with me and was persistent i come to meet her afterwards to listen to Jazz ( she SMS'd me twice to check if i was coming). She is very sensual and knows what she wanted, me!
We started dating and o the 1st visit to her house (after 5 days) i met the kids who weres taken with me immediately. We had a bustup that night as after several drinks she wanted sex with me on the loungeroom floor and as the kids were 15feet away in their beds and i was stll reeling from meeting them (and of her strong come-ons) I told her i was a bit uncomfortable with sex right there. She castigated me and told me "what good are you etc etc..I said it was best i go and I did. Driving home I thought i didnt want to see her agian..But she rang and rang on my drive and i wilted after a da or so and the rest is history.
She was an ex- Australian Ballerina and has a dysfunctional family (eldest brother sexually abused her), a drunk father who died when she was 14, and a mother who only showed any closeness if she as performing or being a star).
After months of me spending almost every night there and the kids treating me like a 2nd dad, i was asked that I shouldmove in or I wld not be seriou about future.
We fought often and usually over her incredible insecurity and sensitivity to anthing that i said that made her feel unwanted, unappreciated etc..yet i treated her like a princess.

After 2months of living together - her ange and rage in fights caused me to leave 4-5 timed but she always screamed for me to come back or stopped me from leaving (in tears and pleas).
About 5 weeks ago she attended a 50th anniversary Ballet Reunion that ex Ballet Performers from all over Australia attended. She went with her two best gf's who were also ex-Australian Ballet and they booked a room to stay near the event together. She rang the next day and siad she was spending the day with the girls and wld be home by 6pm. When she got home i was excited and cooking a great meal and had a nice wine on the bench with 2 glasses. She seemed distant and non-lovig when she got back and it only took an hour or so for her to pick a fight (over nothing).

She wanted me out...I stayed 3 more days and after a large fight she, screamed at me to "get the F@k out"..I was gobsmacked!

I found out the reconnected with a guy from the other side of the country at that event that she knew from 20 years ago when she was dancing in that city (he was married to her ex-Ballet Mistress).
I saw photos of him and her on her FB page - shedefriended me straight away after she kicked me out but i could still see it via a Link. A post by him about "finding a special someone that rekindles your inner spirit" and a messgae from him to her "Sound Familiar" confirmed it.

She tried to keep in contact with me after I lefrt and when i asked her about what was going on she said "you can make up any story you want to make yourself feel better"..but I knew. She since has had him over from his city and let him stay at her house (with the kids there!) which i cldnt believe.

She told me last week she is in a relationship with him...He has 2 kids from his ex-wife and just split up ith a 2yr relationship around when they hooked up.

I am gutted as she told everyone I was the spcial one and that she wanted to marry me and even have a child with her if i let her know before too long.

She takes no responsibilitt, has shown no remorse or care at all for me and feels she has done no wrong.

I told her i didnt want to speak to or see her again about 1-2 weeks ago. She has not contacted me since she told me she was i a relationship with him. I dont know ho that will work as she has 2 small kids, a great business here, and he has 2 kids and an ex wife and great job on the other side of the country.

Please let me know your thoughts or comments.

I am struggling with it all..

Thx

Rooftop

[VirtuousWoman]

Hi rooftop,

I'm so sorry for your troubles. I am a newbie here and still learning how to cope with people like your ex, although I have to say your ex sounds exactly like mine (jumping from one "relationship" to another, blame-shifting to cause a rift so there will be enough space between you for meeting others). At first, I was floored when I found out my exBPD bf was as fake as a $3 bill, but when I looked at the situation from a logical point of view, I realized he actually did me a favor by breaking up. Things could of turned out a whole lot worse considering how promiscuous he was with his body. He was such a bitter person towards women in general that I'm sure if he had of caught a lifelong disease, he would of gladly passed it on to me without the slightest bit of guilt.

After 5 years of this on again/off again pattern with my ex, I was the one who had to slowly ween him off of me. It wasn't easy; he tried every tactic he could think of to reel me back in fully. I started thinking to myself "why should I waste precious energy, love, and time on someone when I could be focusing all that on myself"? When I started said that, that's the day I achieved true victory over any emotional pain I had over him and his actions. And quite honestly, I'm not sure why I didn't started focusing more on myself and not let his behavior distract me in the first place. But I'm so glad I did.

Don't worry about your ex. Worrying won't do you any good and can't turn back time to change the outcome of events. If she is anything like my ex as a person, she may end up alone and asking you to come back into her life. But beware. By the time this does happen, if it happens, she will have strategically rehearsed her lines on how she was victimized by you and she won't take responsibility for any of her faults in the matter.

[redfeather]

Virtuous Woman makes a very good point when she says "If they ever end up alone (the suspected pwBPD) they will in fact re-contact to invite you back into their life.
This is in my experience 100% true. It is not a matter of IF that happens but when.
 So in the meantime if you can take the focus off of her  and put it on yourself you will be working from a much stronger position when she does come back. Because the truth of the matter is NO MATTER how FABULOUS! WONDERFUL! blah blah blah it APPPEARS their new relationship is. IT AINT SO!
That is the honeymoon stage and she has to put him up on a pedestal begin mirroring him, hit him hard and fast with her intensity (that is their trump card) over the top sexuality. He is her new savior but honey it wont last. Cant, ever.
So in opinion get busy on you not waiting on anything from her because she will be back or try. Be ready! Hi!

[Robhart]

You want to believe everything they said...that you were so special etc.
I think they believe what there saying at the moment that's what makes them so believable.
But in the BPD world the words just last a nanosecond.

 They have a personality disorder that among other things makes them act with extreme impulsivity.
In a lot of cases their actions hurt them as well as others.

if you haven't already ready it this  article may provide some insight.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[MaybeSo]

Your ex sounds about 13 years old emotionally which is par for the course with BPD. No adult understanding of how disruptive this kind of dramatic behavior is for you or her children. She will keep behaving this way. There are some folks who are very wounded, and this is what it looks like. It has nothing specifically to do with you, the damage was done years and years ago, long before you ever met her. You have dodged a bullet in many ways, as long as you stay away from her. If you ever reengage with her expect exactly more of the same, exactly. It's very painful to meet and fall in love with someone like this, but alas, it does happen. Grieve the loss, take care of yourself, and you will find a much healthier woman to partner with in time. Good luck to you.

[rooftop]

Thanks MaybeSo  Your comments are true and she has found her saviour (for now!)..I do feel sorry for her 2 amazing kids who I loved greatly & miss, but i know i must let go.
I will not EVER think for 1 second about engaging with her, if she tries. It has been over a week now and i am getting stronger and happier each day (with the occassional cry 

Good luck to you and my best wishes.
Rooftop