Do they deliberately sabotage to avoid rejection?

[Think About It...]

I've read a lot recently about how people with this disorder are so fearful of rejection that they will deliberately sabotage relationships if they believe you are about to end it.  My exBPDbf I've mentioned in my other posts was married; those who are familiar with my story know I was led to believe very unhappily and was also led to believe that he was on the path to eventually ending it and marrying me.  Prior to our break-up I had told him that I was going to be moving out of state, back to where I grew up to take care of my parents, they are both getting older and have a lot of health issues.  My children are both grown now and in college so it's time.  Had I believed that my relationship with my ex was going somewhere I might have tried to stay where I was and commuted back and forth to take care of my parents, eventually both of us moving there permanently I had hoped.  However, I was skeptical that our relationship was really going to go the whole way, so I made the decision to leave, even though the intention was to stay together.  Twice during our relationship I tried to end it with him, only to have us get back together right away.  I then made the decision a few months ago to leave during this upcoming summer, which I still am, however after my decision was made we remained committed to one another.  I would like to mention however that he was suspiciously supportive of my move, to the point of me being hurt that he wasn't fighting for me to stay.  He claimed it was because he wanted to be supportive of me and not be a burden.   

The day that everything broke and his wife found out about us, he had left his house and in the process of leaving he also left his phone at home.  He received a text message on his phone from a co-worker, so his phone was going off, his wife picked it up, went through it and saw all our text messages, phone calls, etc. He proceeded to call me frantically to tell me she knew, we talked several times that day, each phone call I could feel him slipping away further. I even talked to his son who was totally supportive of his dad and I being together, he saw that I made him happy, however that didn't end up making a difference whatsoever, even though his son was his reason supposedly that he stayed in his marriage (his son is severely bipolar).  By the end of that day it was over between us, that was four months ago.  My question to all of you is...do you think he sensed that it was never going to happen between us, so he deliberately left his phone at home (his phone is his life-line, his job is such that he gets calls continually so he always has it with him), therefore sabotaging our relationship before I could reject and leave him first?  Your thoughts would be appreciated, I've been thinking about this idea a lot lately, it doesn't much matter, it's over anyway, but I know how hurt and depressed he was the two times I did break up with him.  Let me know what you think.  Thanks! 

[SHolloway]

I've read a lot recently about how people with this disorder are so fearful of rejection that they will deliberately sabotage relationships if they believe you are about to end it.  My exBPDbf I've mentioned in my other posts was married; those who are familiar with my story know I was led to believe very unhappily and was also led to believe that he was on the path to eventually ending it and marrying me.  Prior to our break-up I had told him that I was going to be moving out of state, back to where I grew up to take care of my parents, they are both getting older and have a lot of health issues.  My children are both grown now and in college so it's time.  Had I believed that my relationship with my ex was going somewhere I might have tried to stay where I was and commuted back and forth to take care of my parents, eventually both of us moving there permanently I had hoped.  However, I was skeptical that our relationship was really going to go the whole way, so I made the decision to leave, even though the intention was to stay together.  Twice during our relationship I tried to end it with him, only to have us get back together right away.  I then made the decision a few months ago to leave during this upcoming summer, which I still am, however after my decision was made we remained committed to one another.  I would like to mention however that he was suspiciously supportive of my move, to the point of me being hurt that he wasn't fighting for me to stay.  He claimed it was because he wanted to be supportive of me and not be a burden.   

The day that everything broke and his wife found out about us, he had left his house and in the process of leaving he also left his phone at home.  He received a text message on his phone from a co-worker, so his phone was going off, his wife picked it up, went through it and saw all our text messages, phone calls, etc. He proceeded to call me frantically to tell me she knew, we talked several times that day, each phone call I could feel him slipping away further. I even talked to his son who was totally supportive of his dad and I being together, he saw that I made him happy, however that didn't end up making a difference whatsoever, even though his son was his reason supposedly that he stayed in his marriage (his son is severely bipolar).  By the end of that day it was over between us, that was four months ago.  My question to all of you is...do you think he sensed that it was never going to happen between us, so he deliberately left his phone at home (his phone is his life-line, his job is such that he gets calls continually so he always has it with him), therefore sabotaging our relationship before I could reject and leave him first?  Your thoughts would be appreciated, I've been thinking about this idea a lot lately, it doesn't much matter, it's over anyway, but I know how hurt and depressed he was the two times I did break up with him.  Let me know what you think.  Thanks! 

[VirtuousWoman]

Hi SHolloway,

Just wanted to say it sounds like he wasn't being totally honest about his status with his wife, or else why would he be frantic over her finding out about another woman in his life if their marriage is over and he was only living there for the sake of their son? It seems to me if it really was over between them, neither one of them would care who the other was involved with.

As for deliberately sabatoging relationships, I think pwBPD like to be in control of the situation and thereby may do something deliberately to make it seem like they have a legitimate reason to do the breaking up so it doesn't feel like they're being rejected. its like a sense of power they get from pretending they're in control. Hard to explain.

[SHolloway]

Hi VirtuousWoman, I agree with you.  For me hindsight really is 20/20 and I see now that he did care more for her than he let on.  I always sensed that he was very hurt by her repeated rejection of him for 20 years, you don't get hurt unless you care.  I mentioned this many times during our relationship, however he never would be able to explain to me how he felt about her, which I found odd and irritating, I mean you either care or you don't, it's not rocket science!  But it is a huge effort to get to the bottom of their emotions for people with this disorder, they really can't explain how they feel.  I do sense that he may have subconsciously or deliberately wanted her to find the phone, so he could end things in a quick way with me, no explanation and with him in full control as you said.   It's hard absorbing the fact that I was most likely just the filler girl, taking the place of the one he really wanted to love him.  Live and learn.  Thanks!

[VirtuousWoman]

You're welcome. Your situation sounds relatively similar to mine and a couple of other people I know. one thing I've learned about this personality disorder is when they say they were rejected, its not meant the same as someone without this personality disorder would define it. For them, "rejection" means their bizarre hurtful selfish behavior was rejected. Their offer of recruiting someone as their personal emotional punching bag/slave was rejected.

Another thing is if they are married and you know they are married yet you still agree to start a romance with them anyway, that's a red flag right there that they don't finish what they've already started before starting on to something else. Not to make the situation any more darker than what it is, but the minute he knew you were leaving him, he was probably already on the prowl for someone new. The good thing about all this revelation is; would you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who doesn't finish what they've started? Would you want to be in his wife's shoes? Married men who cheat don't make good honest, devoted, reliable partners. For them, the wife is like a cozy comfortable reliable sweater he can put on whenever he's cold, and his mistresses are like new shirts he can wear whenever he wants to flatter his ego that he can throw away at his disposal whenever he's hot.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Beenreplaced]

SHolloway,

Yes they do sabotage relationships.  Mine was married too and he said such awful things about her.  He did in fact leave her but just the same he painted her blacker than black.  But I do have to say, I have no idea what is true and what is his projection.  He said so many terrible things about her but with this disorder he could actually be projecting a situation that he did to her.  You don't know what to believe.  But you have to realize that you were leaving him which equals abandonment.  Also, you were planning on taking care of your parents.  He has to have all of your attention.  I am pretty sure that mine set me up for our break up.  As I look back I think he was working on it for a while.  He knew that it was time to start making a commitment as we had decided to move in together this past February.  He had started working on my condo making repairs to get it ready to sell.  I think that triggered him somehow and he started working on my replacement and exit.  I think he tried really hard to hide the disorder from me but knew once we moved in together it would have been impossible.  I know from my point that his rages were starting to take their toll on me.  They did not happen often but when they did it was taking me longer and longer to return to him.  I think he saw the possibility that I would tire of his behavior and end it.    My question to you is that if he was married, why did he keep all of your texts and messages on his phone?  What would be the reason behind that?  Isn't that irresponsible?  His wife could look at his phone while he was in the shower. I agree with VirtuousWoman that it sounds like his wife puts up with this type of behavior so he will never leave her but was probably working on the next victim so he left the phone there knowing she would see it so he had to end the r/s and it wasn't his fault.  It is called triangulation (read definition).

[redberry]

Faith2heal, I don't think they deliberately sabotage the r/s when they sense they are about to be left, but I do think they subconsciously sabotage it.  This disorder operates in the background, but controls so much of what they do.  Its my belief that their conscious mind knows they're about to be "abandoned" so they go into disordered panic mode.  It's this irrational, impulsive reaction that usually causes them to do something to sabotage the r/s (cheat, rage, waste money, go on a drug/alcohol binge, self harm...).  It's something they can't help because of the disorder--which is sad...  But I have learned to be sympathetic from a distance.  If you get  close, they will pull you down with them and spit you back out.  The disorder guarantees it.

[SHolloway]

beenreplaced, I didn't see your message on my post and talked about these very things on your post. Sorry if I repeat myself!    I believe that it was deliberate also.  I asked him the very same thing when it all broke, why did you leave the messages on your phone?  She had a history of looking through his phone, I will always believe it was deliberate to get rid of me.  We definitely fit into the triangulation (read definition) theory, he's always the victim, his wife was the villain and of course I was the rescuer.  However, now I'm pretty sure all the roles have switched, with him still/always the victim (even though he's actually the one controlling and manipulating everyone else), she's now the rescuer and I'm the villain.  Isn't it mind boggling the lengths they go to in order to orchestrate these events?  Your guy was doing that too, he most certainly was getting freaked out about the living arrangements so needed an exit plan. They are so fearful of rejection that they are willing to cast us aside rather than put in the time with someone who is as great and loving as we are.  And we are great catches!  They are just too selfish to see it.

VirtuousWoman, I totally agree with you, you aren't saying anything I haven't thought myself.  I wouldn't want to be in her shoes at all now, even though supposedly they are doing "marvelous" in their therapy together (his aunt told me this yesterday). Knowing what we know about this disorder, it's only a matter of time before he gets bored, problems start up again and he's looking to fill the need for drama with another woman, or creates more chaos with a fight, whatever.  I will say that I hope that maybe his therapist is figuring him out, he has a very abusive childhood history, and that he is getting help, as angry as I still get at times, I do want him to find healing and good health.  The further I get in this process, the more I just feel sorry for both of them, he really is just a hurt and pathetic little boy inside.  But we all have to grow up sometime, hopefully he's doing that for his own sake and for hers.  I'm glad I'm out of it, I want normal next time! 

[SHolloway]

Hi redberry,  Hi! thank you for your response.  Can you please tell me how you've arrived at a place of sympathy from a distance?  This is what I'm working on very hard right now in my journey and I find that I'm back feeling angry again.  I want so much to feel compassion toward him, and I do much of the time.  He has a son that is severely bipolar and I visualize his son when I look at my ex now.  He does have a very sweet and kind heart, he's just made really selfish choices his whole life.  I know I'm talking out of two sides of my mouth but I do so want to get to a place where I have my guard up 24/7 but am able to see it for what it is, like you said, just sad.  How do you find only the compassion for a disorder they can't help and finally arrive at complete forgiveness?

[redfeather]

I think redberry nailed it. As soon as my ex thought I was going to abandon her she set in motion the steps to find my replacement. She did give verbal clues: Why are you so nice to me, noone has ever treated me this well, you are too good for me and the kicker one night when we first started to date she asked me to meet her for a drink. I got off work and went to meet her. She said and i quote: Wow, I cant believe you showed up! Most Women I date always stand me up! Major red flagred-flag . i see clearly now why the nice ones wont have anything to do with her...
And mine at the end when she was bringing the replacement on deck completely dysregulated. She even posted on Facebook the day she dumped me how messed up she was. She had been in a car wreck the prior day, got a speeding ticket, slept with new one the up and quit her job of 4 years with no notice because her newest LOVE lived in another city. It was very bizarre. But par for the course when dealing with a Borderline. Hi!

[redberry]

Can you please tell me how you've arrived at a place of sympathy from a distance?  This is what I'm working on very hard right now in my journey and I find that I'm back feeling angry again.

Girlfriend, I feel your pain. I've been there (and sometimes end up back there...), but try to be kind and patient with yourself.  I can't say I have arrived, but I have made progress--though very slow progress.  Most of what I did and continue to do is read as much about the disorder as I can.  The good members here have helped me more than anything.  For me, the more I understand the disorder down to the very nuanced behavior, the easier it is for me to see that it wasn't my fault and there is nothing that I can do to change it.  That it is a serious mental illness and I was wrapped up in it.  I fight my desire to paint the r/s with a rosy brush and recognize that I really was unhappy much of the time.  That reminds me that I don't want to go back there.  I think back to how exhausted I was, how I cut off contact with friend's and family, what they saw in the r/s that I was unwilling to see.  I look at how heavily the scale was tipped on the side of misery for me while I was in the r/s and that helps with the ability to distance.  Of course, so does the fact that he is still with my replacement (though mutual friends are seeing cracks in the foundation there too) and i assume he hasn't really reached out to contact me.  When he does, though, I hope I can have the strength to stay NC.  I feel strong now and have him blocked on my phone, facebook, etc.  but I hope I will have the strength to stay away if he attempts other methods of contact.  I'm not sure I took the shortest route to get here, but therapy, introspection, spending time with healthy people, and doing A LOT (probably too much) reading and posting here have me in much better shape than I was about 10 months ago.   You'll get there.  Just make sure you are focusing on you and be patient in your recovery.    to you.

[SHolloway]

Hi redfeather  Hi!, I think there is a common theme here.  I don't think my ex had another gf lined up, but I do believe that two things probably took place.  First is, he was fearful of the rejection, so he set the wheels in motion, just like your exgf did.  Second, I think the replacement he had lined up was his own wife!  Right now it appears everything is moving along in a positive direction for them, they are in therapy, they are doing more together, so it would seem that things are happy.  I will be honest and say the compassionate side of me wants them to find peace and happiness finally, and healing.  The skeptical side, the side that knows too much now about this disorder would tell me that it's going to be a huge uphill climb and that's IF he's coming clean in therapy!  The fact that he has even recently still been keeping me on his radar and asking if I'll be there someday would indicate things are not going as well as they would have people believe.  Just like your gf redfeather, it seems the drama never ends!  It's sad.

Hi again redberry  , I too am a reader and am trying to absorb as much as possible.  I want to understand this illness because I believe that my mother suffers from it.  My therapist tells me it seems I have been choosing the same script and the same patterns because I have unresolved issues with my mother.  It seems I am hoping to find resolution from my childhood with her, through these men I've chosen!  She is highly manipulative, plays the victim better than either of the men I was involved with that have BPD, she puts them to shame! So I too want to understand all of this as thoroughly as possible.  I think that I'm in a good place as far as not allowing him to see in my actions that I'm anything but strong.  It's in my mind that I still struggle with the manipulation and unhealthy connection.  I'm working on compassion/forgiveness daily because as tailspin said in another post, it's the key to freedom.  I really believe that's true. I will never be able to put him on a pedestal again due to the way he treated me after our break-up, but maybe someday I'll be able to see he's just an unhealthy man who needs help, and it will only be compassion that I feel.  

Thanks to both of you!  

[upsidedown]

Hi f2h, you and I have posted back and forth a bit and my exBPDbf was also married when he started pursuing me.  They were divorced a few months into the pursuit, before anything happened with us (he later referred to me as "a tough nut to crack" because I resisted for so long--Major Red Flag!).  He started out saying it would be amicable until she hired a smart attorney and began to assert herself.  When he complained to me about her behavior, I told him she was probably reacting out of hurt and that he shouldn't take it personally.  That they should strive to keep the ugliness hidden from their young adult children.  However, the more she asserted herself, the blacker he painted her.  The other thing I want to mention is that he left his phone at home many times while he was living with me.  That is how I found out that his ex-wife's texts seemed very reasonable (quite contrary to what I'd been told), that he'd threatened suicide to his 20 year old son and that he was texting and calling other women.  My take on him forgetting his phone was that he was always so terribly agitated and distracted that he simply did not have the capacity to act with any careful consideration.  I wonder if this is a trait that is common to this illness.  Mine was always agitated, constantly moving and frequently made rash decisions.  I had a constant sense of unease with him from the first month we began living together.

You mentioned that "I know how hurt and depressed he was the two times I did break up with him."  Mine also told me he was hurt and depressed, that he'd threatened suicide to his 18 year old daughter, who'd called his ex-wife, who interceded with a call to his friend and his employer.  I wonder if they are really hurt and depressed or if this is more of a tactic to get what they want.  After all, they know we are "super-empathic" human beings (Google this term, there is a wonderful article about how they choose us with great care), so they know we can be easily manipulated.  Just a thought.  Thank you for your continued posts.  Know that you are helping me.  I hope I can pay it forward once I have gained sufficient wisdom.  Take care of yourself.  I envy you your impending move.  I would do the same if at all possible.

[stonehead]

My question to all of you is...do you think he sensed that it was never going to happen between us, so he deliberately left his phone at home (his phone is his life-line, his job is such that he gets calls continually so he always has it with him), therefore sabotaging our relationship before I could reject and leave him first?  Your thoughts would be appreciated, I've been thinking about this idea a lot lately, it doesn't much matter, it's over anyway, but I know how hurt and depressed he was the two times I did break up with him.  Let me know what you think.  Thanks! 

Hi SHolloway,

I am of a different opinion from the others who have answered your post.

To start with, pwBPD do sabotage their relationships due to fear of abandonment and/or engulfment. Typically, they will sense the fear and then makeup some reason or excuse to justify their abandonment of the relationship. In your case, he might indeed sensed your possible abandoning him, so he acted before you do---a sort of pre-emptive strike.

Typically when they are in this mode, they are under total control of their emotion and are not capable of any rational thinking. I doubt very much your man was capable of thinking through and doing all these elaborate planning, coordinating with his son and his co-worker to call him on his cell phone, etc. Remember when they are in dysregulation, they have the emotional maturity of a 3 year-old child !

I think, he had already decided to dump you awhile ago and was searching for a good excuse to do so. this forgeting of his cell photo stuff just happened to be a convenient excuse to let him off the hook. Because, by this time, his mind was already made, not even GOD could make him change his mind!

[Finished]

YES

[Beenreplaced]

SHolloway,

I agree with redberry and know that I too have done a ton of research on the subject of BPD.  It is a serious disorder and I was participating even though my family too was trying to warn me.  I did not want to hear it.  Now I know that if anyone ever says something about someone I am dating I am going to listen carefully especially your family.  They care the most about you and want you to be happy.  I am finally coming to terms with what happened and have a completely different outlook than I did a few months ago.  It comes with time. Hang in there you are getting there I can tell from your posts!  You will be free just takes a while to get there.

[alchemist]

110% yes. I just dated a woman, personally vetted by a good friend. Anyhow, she was a walking red flag and after 3 weeks of undeniable BPD hallmark behaviour, she basically lost the plot on me and I told her that I was no longer available to date. Now most people with BpD are unable seemingly to self reflect, however this one had done a load of therapy/introspection and knows that she is in need of professional help.

After her torpedoing of our brief dating, I asked her why did she blow it?
Her response was this : "before you could leave me, I leave you. I do this and have no control. I knew you were going to leave me and all the guys I date are really effed up and it makes me feel better about myself". 

Sidenote: After this confession, I asked her if she had ever been formally diagnossed with any PD or otherwise. Manic-depressive was her reply. I asked her if she would allow me to ask a few questions. She said yes. I then read off the BPD DSM criteria and she began to cry. She said yes to every single one and spoke of her 5 abortions, cutting, cigarette self inflicted burns, alcoholic/binge drinking, horrible self esteem, brother molested her, attempted suicide, ex stripper, always shags on first date, severe anxiety around men and uses alcohol to chill the anxiety and her claim of turning into the crazy dog lady who is a hermit.

Wow was she brave. She has since made appts with her prior thrapist and a new one and intends to tell the therapists that BPD is her new focal point.

Whilst I would never recommend doing what I did, she was far too aware and already suspect that manic depression was not her affliction. She is incredibly brave and thanked me for the potential missing puzzle piece.  I dodged a bullet or two, but gained incredible insight into what created her dysfunction. Since then, we have become good friends and she continues to enlighten me on how she is triggered and what the anxiety is like. It is like reading these boards, but in real time and she is very much aware of her dysfunction and so open about all her crazy making.  I explained to her that I can be a friend platonically and will listen, not judge and only offer opinions if she asks for them.

This is just one bus stop on my journey out of the rabbit hole. Thanks to this community and board, I am one step closer to a healthy r/s some day.

So yes...in the words of this woman..."I sabotage all my r/ships and only go for guys that are more effed up and if they like me..that's my only criteria"

Godspeed healing to all. 

[SHolloway]

Hi upsidedown, I always like hearing from you!   I have both the books you suggested, I haven't started the "In sheep's clothing" as of yet, still working on "Stop walking on eggshells."  So just know you are helping me as well!  I agree with you that I believe a lot of what they do are tactic based, that's what the hardest part in the end is, knowing what was real and what wasn't.  At the beginning of my healing I wanted so much to believe that he truly loved me, that he meant it all, now I just want to be free of the hold he still has in my mind.  The key for me is to continue to dive into the relationship with my mother who is most certainly BPD and work on ways to deal with her without ever being manipulated by her again.  I know that if I can acheive this then future relationships with men will be much healthier choices.  I hope you keep posting my friend, I really feel a connection to your posts, you are an awesome woman I can tell!  

stonehead, I think you may have misunderstood my message.  I don't believe he coordinated with the co-worker and his son, the co-worker texting him was a random act he wasn't expecting and his son talked to me after it all broke, he wanted to make me feel better because I was so upset.  His son was comforting me.  What I do wonder is if he subconciously left the phone at home hoping she'd find it with all the saved messages, or used the moment to his advantage to get rid of me.  He's never without his phone, that's why I have to question it.  I do totally agree that he was prepared either way to end things with me, he was ready to move on.   Thanks for your thoughts!  

beenreplaced, thanks, I feel I'm getting further in this journey in a positive way.  I definitely am trying to embrace forgiveness, not condoning his behavior just seeing it for what it is, an unhealthy little boy who has many problems.  Keep posting, I enjoy your comments and thoughts!  

alchemist,  first of all I love the name you chose, one of my favorite books!     Wow, your message was an eye opener, right from the horse's mouth so to speak!  I appreciate you sharing your story, I guess on some level it helps me to know that it wasn't me, it's this disorder that takes over and drives them to make the choices they do, leaving us feeling used and humilated.   I believe your gf was brave as well, I know mine is in intense therapy now for his marriage, I can only hope he will either be found out by the therapist or will have had enough of the pain in his life and will come clean.  I know that's unusual, but we can always hope.  Thank you, I appreciate your inside information on this.  

[SeekingInnerPeace]

My PDH deliberately sabotages when he perceives rejection in the future.  If I have gotten "too close" to him, he will then find ways to reject me.  B/c emotional intimacy scares him.  To him, emotional intimacy = guaranteed future rejection, even if there has been absolutely no indication that I will reject him.  But the fear is there.  So he has to make sure he rejects me first, through sabotage.  In my efforts to get closer to him, it would actually make him pull away and in the process push me away.

He doesn't reject me by ending the relationship, per se, but he sure does leave in an emotional way, by making himself unavailable.  If we haven't been physically intimate for awhile, he will be clingy with me, and reach out to me during the day with an e-mail and/or phone call and/or text.

But he falls off the face of the earth, once we've been physically intimate again, esp. if it seems there was some "emotional intimacy" experienced during our time together (which in reality, probably hasn't ever happened; or at best, it did, but was only temporary, and if that was the case, it has only happened a handful of times).

It's almost like he's gotten his way, so he then discards me like a used object.  Add to this that he wouldn't want to do anything that might actually maintain any connection we managed to have.

So he has to sabotage things and reject me, by ignoring any communication I make with him.  I get that maybe he was extra busy during his work day and did not have time to get back to me.  But once home, he doesn't even acknowledge my phone call, text, or e-mail.  I have to ask him about it.  That is the only way I can get him to acknowledge it.  Otherwise, he ignores it, and expresses no appreciation.  That only happens if he's trying to suck me back in again, or if he wants to be physically intimate again.

If this only happened a few times, it wouldn't bother me, b/c I'm not a demanding person.  But I have noticed this is but one of his many patterns.

There are plenty of other ways he deliberately sabotages me and our marriage, which in turn feels like rejection, but this is the one that first came to mind.

[SHolloway]

Hi InnerPeace, wow does your story sound familiar!  Mine was married to someone else but for two years he did this to me in our relationship also.  I can see it so clearly now looking back, but at the time, for those two years, I was just thrilled to have his attention whenever I could have it, even though I realize now it was always on his terms. My ex would react the same way as your husband.  After we were physically intimate, we would be especially close emotionally as well.  Lots of holding each other, talking about how much we loved each other, blah, blah, blah.  Then the next few days he'd pull away some and I always felt like he thought he was doing me a favor by being with me and then he was free for awhile after to do as he pleased.  It's that selfish mentality that they have, it's all about them and on their terms.  We actually did go away together on a trip at one point and that was great because I had him all to myself, but after the trip was over I remember him pulling away yet again.  After really intimate talks too he would do that, we'd talk about being together someday, I'm sure it was way too much for him to handle, so he would pull away again and again, only to come back stronger if he felt me doing the same.  He couldn't stand it when I would pull away (natural reaction when someone is doing it to you), he wanted my undivided attention.  It sure is amazing how it seems to be a common script here the stories that we all tell.  Some of the circumstances are different, but basically much is very similar.  I hope you find answers and peace here.  Hang in there! 

[redberry]

Faith, I have unfortunately learned it is always on their terms.  They are operating from a different playbook and it is one that doesn't allow them to truly consider anybody else's feelings or needs.  Their needs are paramount, always.  The push and pull that you speak of is very familiar.  I had the same experiences.  Every time we got close in more than a physical sense, he would sort of push me away or cause some sort of fight.  He would make me feel guilty for somehow not meeting one of his immediate needs.  It never ended.  That push/pull dynamic is exhausting and really brought me to a low place.  As sad as I was at the end of the relationship, there was also a small sense of relief.  Very small, mind you, but my gut was again telling me something...  That the end is a good thing.  I couldn't continue on like that.