Met someone, and I am totally freaking out... LONG POST

[Think About It...]

So, I have been out of my house since january. Divorce was filed with court last week. Was not looking to date or start a relationship - though I was trying to get out and meet people.

Over the past month, I have gone into a local bar/restaurant to eat, have a beer, people watch, what have you. During that time I developed huge crush on one of the waitresses that works there, having talked to her over time. Seemed to be somewhat mutual as well. Last week, I stop by after work and stay until she gets off work. I ask her what her plans are, she is going to another local place, and I asked her it would ok if I met her there. Well, she says yes and we end up walking over together. We talk about everything, and much later I end up spilling the beans about my crush, and it does turn out that it was mutual and somewhere around that time we end up kissing like maniacs at the bar until the places closes, so the kissing continued on the sidewalk, the street. It is very late - she grabs a cab to go home, and tell her that I would stop by tomorrow night (where she works) to see her. I do so, and end up going out very late and end up (apprehensively -for both of us) going to my place. We are both very nervous about the chemistry we have and how our emotions are a bit out of control. But -it feels so, so right. I am not sure if I have ever clicked with anyone in this way.

One thing leads to another and we end up attempting sex - but my partner below was not cooperating. I was nervous, it was 5am, and have not had any heathy sexuall relations in years. And I am on SSRIs (lexapro,Wellbutrin) which I know can reduce my ability to orgasm.

Anyway, she was concerned that she was not turning me on, and I told her that I was very nervous, and she was very understanding and said she was too. We sleep the rest of the time - which was heavenly. I walk her to work the next morning, and she calls later to talk. She was leaving on a week long vacation trip the next morning, so I had no expectation of seeing her before she left. She calls and we talk for about an hour. I could talk to her forever, and I am not a talker at all. She calls in the morning she leaves and invites me to meet her for coffee on her way out. I do so and we kiss goodbye.

So for the long post. I guess I am really freaking out about what I am feeling and also my inability to perform the other night. She is constantly on my mind and I feel completely out of sorts, for lack of a better term. I am sure the rushedness of it has not helped. But, it just clicks in every way - and no red flags. She is aware of my circumstances, and she has her own as well.

Just typing this has helped. I have a week to get a hold of myself, just not sure how to do that. I am also worried that this might be a flash in the pan. We are older -me later 40s, her later 30s, so not sure this is a normal crush situation.

Any advise?

[wchi]

So, I have been out of my house since january. Divorce was filed with court last week. Was not looking to date or start a relationship - though I was trying to get out and meet people.

Over the past month, I have gone into a local bar/restaurant to eat, have a beer, people watch, what have you. During that time I developed huge crush on one of the waitresses that works there, having talked to her over time. Seemed to be somewhat mutual as well. Last week, I stop by after work and stay until she gets off work. I ask her what her plans are, she is going to another local place, and I asked her it would ok if I met her there. Well, she says yes and we end up walking over together. We talk about everything, and much later I end up spilling the beans about my crush, and it does turn out that it was mutual and somewhere around that time we end up kissing like maniacs at the bar until the places closes, so the kissing continued on the sidewalk, the street. It is very late - she grabs a cab to go home, and tell her that I would stop by tomorrow night (where she works) to see her. I do so, and end up going out very late and end up (apprehensively -for both of us) going to my place. We are both very nervous about the chemistry we have and how our emotions are a bit out of control. But -it feels so, so right. I am not sure if I have ever clicked with anyone in this way.

One thing leads to another and we end up attempting sex - but my partner below was not cooperating. I was nervous, it was 5am, and have not had any heathy sexuall relations in years. And I am on SSRIs (lexapro,Wellbutrin) which I know can reduce my ability to orgasm.

Anyway, she was concerned that she was not turning me on, and I told her that I was very nervous, and she was very understanding and said she was too. We sleep the rest of the time - which was heavenly. I walk her to work the next morning, and she calls later to talk. She was leaving on a week long vacation trip the next morning, so I had no expectation of seeing her before she left. She calls and we talk for about an hour. I could talk to her forever, and I am not a talker at all. She calls in the morning she leaves and invites me to meet her for coffee on her way out. I do so and we kiss goodbye.

So for the long post. I guess I am really freaking out about what I am feeling and also my inability to perform the other night. She is constantly on my mind and I feel completely out of sorts, for lack of a better term. I am sure the rushedness of it has not helped. But, it just clicks in every way - and no red flags. She is aware of my circumstances, and she has her own as well.

Just typing this has helped. I have a week to get a hold of myself, just not sure how to do that. I am also worried that this might be a flash in the pan. We are older -me later 40s, her later 30s, so not sure this is a normal crush situation.

Any advise?

[eeyore]

wchi,

Good for you for getting out there and trying to move forward.  Sounds to me like a bit of drug side affects and nervousness.  Don't worry, I know plenty of people who had difficulty the first time after their divorce.  It happens to women also. 

[marbleloser]

It happens wchi.Try not to worry about it,but I know as a man,it stays in the back of your head.Lets see,you're on meds and were drinking.Not a good combination in the best of times for men.Go to your doc and talk to him/her about it.He or she should be able to help.

[Want2know]

Yes, absolutely it happens to women, too, but in a different way, physically speaking.  I am in a new r/s after splitting from my x in September.  We've known each other for about 2 months.  I was very mindful about creating boundaries up front, thanks to these boards, and also looking for the red flags.  I didn't let myself get out of control about being with him.  I didn't want to let my previous r/s disaster to influence how I proceeded with the new guy.  So, one of my boundaries is about not having sex until I considered him a friend.  We still have not had sex, but it's going to happen soon, I have no doubt.  I am feeling like he's a friend, and the chemistry is amazing.  

The emotional aspect of having sex is so complex.  Yes, sex is a physical instinct, so the initial feeling of wanting to be with someone that way sometimes has nothing to do with how you are feeling emotionally.  However, as we've all seen first hand, sex can complicate relationships, so if this is someone you want to have something more with, then you have to think about what the best way to go about having that is for you.  Besides the meds having an effect, which I'm sure that is part of it, what is it that you can do to make sure that you are being true to yourself, and that you don't set yourself up to feel freaked out when she returns?  What boundaries can you develop so that you are feeling more in control of your situation?

If you haven't read it yet, take a look at this:  Boundaries Tools of Respect

[wchi]

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement - i did talk to others they sort of mirrored what was said by you all. I really liked the Boundaries - tools of respect article. Good advice. I am thinking that she won't be against maybe taking things a bit slower after she returns. But the doc did give me an insurance policy just is case/for future use (AKA cialis).

thanks all!

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[o2bz14u]

"But, it just clicks in every way - and no red flags."

IMHO picking up a waitress and "making out like maniacs" at a bar till closing sounds like the foundation for yet another relationship with a pwBPD. A pattern that I noticed with myself, and from reading oodles of posts here, is that these types of relationships always moved too quickly -  especially in the sexual arena.



"...our emotions are a bit out of control. But - it feels so, so right. I am not sure if I have ever clicked with anyone in this way."



That's how we all felt in the beginning. Then the crazy started.


I'm not trying to be a downer here, but many of us are very suseptable to falling right into yet another relationship with a pwBPD.  I think you will be grateful to yourself in the long run by taking things slower. This time away from each other while she is on vaca will allow you to see things from a different perspective.  Meanwhile keep spending time with others to keep yourself balanced.

[Neverknow]

Thanks to all for the words of encouragement - i did talk to others they sort of mirrored what was said by you all. I really liked the Boundaries - tools of respect article. Good advice. I am thinking that she won't be against maybe taking things a bit slower after she returns. But the doc did give me an insurance policy just is case/for future use (AKA cialis).

thanks all!

Cialis and Viagra do work miracles!

[wchi]

Thanks again to all.

yep - Cialis definitely works (whoa nelly!).

It has been a rather intense 3 weeks with her -  and I know that this cannot be real.

She went into a crying spell last night and would not open up to me about the cause of it. Something in her past, though.
We are going to talk tonight - we'll see what lies beneath. the biggest red flag right now is that when she drinks, she sometimes has trouble stopping. The wonderful connection/conversation,fun/sex/time we spend together is probably another enormous red flag, but I will reserve judgement until the sh*t hits the fan (would be nice if that did not happen, but let's be real).

cheers!
wchi

[truly amazed]

Howdy,

It has been a rather intense 3 weeks with her -  and I know that this cannot be real.

She went into a crying spell last night and would not open up to me about the cause of it. Something in her past, though.
We are going to talk tonight - we'll see what lies beneath. the biggest red flag right now is that when she drinks, she sometimes has trouble stopping. The wonderful connection/conversation,fun/sex/time we spend together is probably another enormous red flag, but I will reserve judgement until the sh*t hits the fan (would be nice if that did not happen, but let's be real).

Sounds great ... well so far.

Drinking can and is a coping mechanism in many ... used it post RS which as we know gets us no where. So dont read too much into it. We all have had stages in our lives where we drank too much. Be open and ask questions about the crying and also mention the drinking ... keeping an open communication between the two of you is essential in ANY healthy relationship.


For me drinking was a problem with the ex and it was a trigger for rage and abuse session which were insane. Have a theory about drinking ... does she change when drunk ? I believe when people are drunk all their fears go to one side and the real person comes out.

Crying ? Could be anything from a trigger from the past to the fact she is scared after being hurt ...


Ask ... keep that communication open and mutual respect ... and find out. Tell her how you feel but yes be careful and keep the boundaries up and in place NO MATTER what ...

Nothing to loose talking.


Wish you well and loved your story . Come back and tell us how it goes ?

 

[wchi]

Crying ? Could be anything from a trigger from the past to the fact she is scared after being hurt ...

Wow - you were right on the money with this one. That night she saw the daughter of a man that had abused her when she was <10 yrs old. The same daughter that helped him escape justice. She had not seen her 20 years, so yea, she had a reason to feel the way she did. She had not told me about this before and she was very afraid of my reaction - she was thinking that would be the end of us. She was going to tell me at some point - on her own terms, but then this happened and she opened up to me about it. Definitely a heavy conversation - and we talked about drinking too - and we have moved on from it. We have talked about difficult things from our pasts with each other before and it always felt safe for both of us, and after this we feel even more safe with each other.

Thanks for talking me off the ledge!

wchi

[truly amazed]

Hi Wchi,

That night she saw the daughter of a man that had abused her when she was <10 yrs old. The same daughter that helped him escape justice.

Thanks for sharing that. Wow ... yuk. As a protector type personality that sort of stuff makes me mad. Against a kid even worse !

We all have fleas. I have been deloused via many many avenues over the years. We can dwell on awful things that happen to us and they shape us for the rest of our lives, or we can live and learn and move on. But the lessons and awful experiences are still there. Seeing the daughter of a monster can only have been awful. Without knowing its more than likely the daughter also experienced some of the same.

Possibly this also is why you new found girl drinks a bit too much. Again fleas ..

Communicate with her and no matter what TALK ... listen talk some more and understand your partner. Some things you will be at opposite ends of things. Others you will meet in the middle, some they will come to your end, others you will go to theirs. Some you will just go what the heck and its ok to have totally different views on some things but respecting them is what is key.

What excited me about your posts was the passion and excitement and I and I suspect most who read your post could feel it. We are and were happy for you. Take this where it is meant to go. Sure have boundaries and yes watch for red flags .. but DON'T find red flags where there are just simple problems.


I really hope this works out for you ! I am just a really big softy for a good mushy story. 

Keep speaking and you will be fine.


Come back and tell us how things are going would love to hear.

Take care 

[wchi]

Things are going really well. This was very unexpected and "fast" for both of us. We do talk about everything with each other, and we feel safe and comfortable doing so. We are making plans to go on a vacation to Mexico together, which should be a blast! I am still dealing with divorce proceedings, and she is very understanding and patient with regards to that. I am really hoping that it goes quickly and (relatively) smoothly, but I know that the potential is there for it to be somewhat ugly. Spending time with the new love interest really helps me keep my mind off of it...


cheers!
wchi

[truly amazed]

Hi

Things are going really well. This was very unexpected and "fast" for both of us. We do talk about everything with each other, and we feel safe and comfortable doing so. We are making plans to go on a vacation to Mexico together, which should be a blast! I am still dealing with divorce proceedings, and she is very understanding and patient with regards to that. I am really hoping that it goes quickly and (relatively) smoothly, but I know that the potential is there for it to be somewhat ugly. Spending time with the new love interest really helps me keep my mind off of it...

Great to hear ! love a mushy ending.

Divorce will be what it is and always a conflict, it is the legal end of a RS so aim for that goal.

New one glad to hear your communicating, both of you have some fleas just like me and be patient as they will be there for some time. You new partner and what happened to her early on and your BPD RS both will have left you with scars or tender spots and so so glad you got over speedhump number one. Pat both of yourselves on the back seriously because the temptation when you have been there and hurt is sometimes to see red flags everywhere and in some cases never move on.

Great stuff you have made my day !


Take care   

[wchi]

Cool - glad I could add some light to someone else's day!