Participating in raging with BPD ex-consequences

[Think About It...]

Hi everyone- when i was with my exBPD gf her anger and outbursts got worse and she was painting me black. I had no idea of her BPD as i only got alerted to it after she kicked me out (after finding another victim whilst we were still together).

When she started abusing due to hypersensitivity and her own sense of non-apprecaition etc, I participated and she raged worse and screamed, belittled,name called. I was always trying to calm her down and ask her to quieten down.
It was only when we were basically all over that she had a major outburst and ran in and out of the bedroom screaming "get the F@k out, Get the F@k out" many times, and I just said nothing (not a peep). She did this for a few minutes with me silent- and then she just STOPPED and calmed right down!

Anyone experience something similar?

Thx a bunch- BTW, I am now 9 days NC and loving it..finally moving on  

Much love, Rooftop

[rooftop]

Hi everyone- when i was with my exBPD gf her anger and outbursts got worse and she was painting me black. I had no idea of her BPD as i only got alerted to it after she kicked me out (after finding another victim whilst we were still together).

When she started abusing due to hypersensitivity and her own sense of non-apprecaition etc, I participated and she raged worse and screamed, belittled,name called. I was always trying to calm her down and ask her to quieten down.
It was only when we were basically all over that she had a major outburst and ran in and out of the bedroom screaming "get the F@k out, Get the F@k out" many times, and I just said nothing (not a peep). She did this for a few minutes with me silent- and then she just STOPPED and calmed right down!

Anyone experience something similar?

Thx a bunch- BTW, I am now 9 days NC and loving it..finally moving on  

Much love, Rooftop

[modelc]

Congrats on your 9 days...

I am still trying to get in day 1.  I almost made it yesterday but late last night he texted me with accusations that I dunno...I just simply couldn't ignore.  Then he blocked me only to email me early this morning with the most berating, belittling, horrible emails I have ever received.  Which again...were so horrible that I could not resist in responding to.  Not healthy...I know.  I said some horrible things myself at this point because I'm just so tired of the horrible name calling and bad mouthing.   Then he actually lied to me and told me he is with someone more mature now and I already know for a fact, he hasn't met anyone yet.  So the idea that he would stoop so low as to purposely try to hurt me just makes me sick.   My last response to him was   I WANT OUT and to stay out of my life.    He said "whatever you want".  I have not heard from him since...that was fairly early today...so I am hoping by tomorrow at that time...I will be 24 hours NC.  I do everything I possibly can to not respond.  I feel so darn weak when it comes to that.   Hoping today is the day! 

I did experience some of what you experienced...he couldn't tell me to fet the f***k out because its MY house...and he rarely yelled because every outburst was either in text message or email.  And I'm even talking about if we were in the same room.   But its true...if I just kinda sat there or replied back..."ok I love you"...he would eventually calm right down and even come over and kiss my forehead.   Makes a person wonder

[Sabine]

Hey Rooftop,

It's normal for the abused person to start engaging in the same behavior as their abuser. I did this so many times when I started going out with my xBPDbf. We broke up after 7 months of almost non-stop arguing. Then I learned of BPD and went NC for 2 months...unfortunately I got recycled after I "ran into" him. BUT this time I was going to set my boundaries and NOT participate in the screaming matches or take his abuse. I told him that I would not ever engage in this kind of behavior again. Sure enough, he'd get irritated about something and start to rage. I literally had to bite my lip so I wouldn't scream back. Then I'd calmly say, I told you I would not take part...I need a time out or whatever. He'd get calm pretty quickly when I did this. (I had to do it three different instances). Then the last rage he had was almost 2 months ago it was the last straw... I let him rant and rage saying horrific things at me, throwing things, etc. I stayed calm and just told him to leave. He left and that was it. I have been NC since then.

The thing is, no matter what I did or how quickly he'd calm down, the rages were not okay and can leave scars. I can't believe I ever went back and tried to "work it out" with him. Nobody deserves to be attacked like that and to stay makes me just as sick. You deserve so much better! We all do!

Keep up the good work on NC - 9 days out is a long time! Those first few weeks are usually the hardest! 

[rooftop]

Hi Sabine & modelc,

Yes it always seemed that they wanted to pick a fight and unfortunately we get caught up in it. She is in honeymoon phase now with her next true love (who lives on the other side of the country no less & has 2 boys himself). She obviously didnt think things thru very well as she cant move either with her 2 kids and an ex.husband who is in a great relationship in our city!

Still, goes to show it is best to not participate and let them calm down as they are impulsive, insecure and immature when then feel they dont get respect, love, attention they crave..What about us!

Glad Sabine that you have now NC for 2mths..dont make the same mistake again hey?

modelc- keep up the NC and hang in there!  ...I have no intention of any contact whatsoever no matter what...altho i think she wont try to as I made it pretty clear I wanted nothing to do with her and that she wasnt my friend.

Love, Rooftop

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Sabine]

Hehe... No I won't make the same mistake...I think lesson learned. I not only have NC but I changed my routine a bit so I don't run into him again! He knows all my regular spots around town and he tries! Last night my friend warned me with a text that said he was at a coffee house I was going to meet her at! I quickly turned my car the other direction and thanked her for the warning! (lil spies help!)  ;p

[rooftop]

Excellent sabine- well done you

If I run into her new saviour man (which would be hard as he lives 3000km away) I will shake his hand and smile and say thankyou so much!).

I did meet him BTW- i travelled to his city (my home town as well) for a wedding 2 weeks after we broke up. She was supposed to come as well as we booked mths earlier. She still did, but get this, he picked her up from the airport and my Mum was there to greet me...Bizaarroo! Just shows how bad she is..she should of hung her head in shame...She said he is a friend she remet just before we broke up and remet him at a Ballet Reunion (she knew him when she performed in my home town 20 yrs ago)...i since realise they hooked up that night and that was the catalyst for her kicking me to the curb 4 days after that reunion event.

Can you believe how bad these BPD sufferers can hurt & manipulate people?

BTW- my mum still gave her a hug - she is a true angel my Mum  But Mum swears she will disown me if I ever speak to or contact xBPD gf again!

Rooftop

[Sabine]

Good! you've got someone holding you accountable! Your mom no less! That's awesome! 

[modelc]

YAY...               I MADE IT!   DAY 1  NC     

[Sabine]

CONGRATS! Modelc!

Way to go! I am so happy for you! I know how hard it's been for you not respond and defend yourself to his vicious and twisted emails! YOU DID IT!

    

[dah1029]

Modelc--  Maybe delete his emails without looking at them.  Then you won't be tempted to blast him back.  25 days NC for me !  Next Thursday I get to purchase something frivolous if I can make it 4 weeks with NC.  I haven't run into him, but I won't count that as contact if I do.  Just if I respond to emails or reach out to him.

[rooftop]

Well done Modelc...baby steps each day until you have bliss 

Nine days for me and it gets better 

Rooftop

[pallavirajsinghani]

Modelc:  Just a quick note as I have to put kids to bed.

Please do not delete the emails.  Save them as journal records.  Records of his dysregulation.  This may help you in more than one ways in the future.  You do not have to read them at all.  Just make a folder, title it DNR (Do Not Read/Do Not Respond) and dump it all there.  Think of it as your garbage bin.  Because, this is literally what he is doing right now,  He is in intense pain and looking to dump it out somewhere and because you are conveniently accessible, you will suffice as a whipping post.

It is hard not to take it personally, but really, when you understand more about this disorder, you will also begin to recognize the phenomena of "Projection"/BW thinking, Dysphoria etc.  And the more you understand, the more you will begin to accept that ironically you are not the cause of dysregulation, merely a trigger.  And you may be the trigger because BPD is the disorder relating to intimacy. 

When this acceptance takes hold of you, your own personal healing will begin.

Lots of warm hugs.

[modelc]

I wasn't going to delete the emails...I have been saving all of them in a seperate folder.

I received an email from him at 10pm tonight.  It's now 11:30 and I have not opened it yet.  I know that I will eventually open it and read it as I am still not at the stage that I will be able to refrain from reading it.  But I do want to make sure that I am not in an emotional state that I will respond to it...regardless of whether it is warm and loving and mean and hateful.  I want to read it and file it away.  So I am thinking maybe right before I go to bed, I will read it and tuck it away and then read a chapter in the journey from abandonment book

I HOPE