What are you seeking when you come to Staying?

[Think About It...]

 I remember when I first came here. I was separated from my husband, who had a couple years of DBT under his belt and, for some reason, I was unable to get motivated to divorce him. I didnt understand it, I was miserable with him, and yet, I couldnt pull the plug. I came here to help me figure out why it was I couldnt make those final moves to end our marriage.

 I am so glad I made it here...this place was what helped me understand myself and my ways of behavior that was, indeed, making things worse and keeping our marriage dynfunctional.

 So, I am curious as to what is was that brought you here in the first place?

Steph

[Steph]

 I remember when I first came here. I was separated from my husband, who had a couple years of DBT under his belt and, for some reason, I was unable to get motivated to divorce him. I didnt understand it, I was miserable with him, and yet, I couldnt pull the plug. I came here to help me figure out why it was I couldnt make those final moves to end our marriage.

 I am so glad I made it here...this place was what helped me understand myself and my ways of behavior that was, indeed, making things worse and keeping our marriage dynfunctional.

 So, I am curious as to what is was that brought you here in the first place?

Steph

[yeeter]

I was 11th hour in divorce.  Capitulated and got help.  One of the consultants sent me to this site.

Similar in that I cant tell you exactly why I didnt go through with the divorce.  If I was advising myself I would advise me to do it.

But I came here for some triage on the situation, and some help in figuring out how to make the relationship ok to be in, and still maintain my own emotional health.  I needed to do/see something differently.

Very very glad I made it here.

[isilme]

I couldnt pull the plug. I came here to help me figure out why it was I couldnt make those final moves to end our marriage.

We're not married, but after 16 years, I can't see how it'd be much different than divorce.  I am tired.  I see that in some way life would be very different, and maybe even better if I just called it quits... but I can't.  I am glad I found this place for support - I have yet to find another RL person who can understand both my family issues and how I continued them as an adult in this r/s.

I'm seeking more rounded advice than people who just tell me to up and leave, people who understand it's not the cut and dry of a choice, and to see how others have made things work better.

[committed]

I came here about 6 months into the dating relationship with my BF. I had just figured out what I believe is going on...through other websites, books and a conversation in which he told me a therapist once told him he had either bipolar or a personality disorder.

Initially, I didn't know if I wanted to stay in the realtionship, but knew that I needed to educate myself and see if there were tools that might help me. By this time he and I had really connected and I wanted to see if a relationship was possible.

For me - the communication tools, learning to radicaly accept his illness and reading others stories are what made the most difference to me.

[Inspirationneeded]

Initially I would have to admit that part of it was my co-dependency issues.  That I had found the one.  Why I choose to stay would be a result of who I am as a person.   I have a need to understand things, why things are the way they are. 

[LoveNotWar]

I came after my h was dx BPD. I came for help, for education and found support. I was just doing an internet search on BPD and this site popped up.

I know I want to stay with my h and I also know the only person I can control is myself so I thought if I was staying and supporting him I better get stronger and smarter. The tools, lessons and stories on this site saved me.

[artman.1]

I arrived at this website after going to a referred therapist, who was referred to me by another therapist that realized I needed a more qualified T in this area.  Well the new T told me to get two books.  Codependent No More, and I hate you, don't leave me, and I read them and he said that I am codependent.  I found other books, and in one of these books, I found this website, and now I am still here, after a year and half. 
     This website has given me a better understanding of BPD behaviors than any other source, and I have been working on me ever since the beginning.  I can say that I have gone through many levels of improvement in my own thinking and resulting behavior.  I have joined CODA and am still in Therapy.  I must say this website has saved me from continuing to wonder in the wilderness so to speak.  I now have direction, and at least am improving myself on a daily basis.
  Thanks to FTF,

Love, and Hugs   to all,  Art

[nowheretogo]

I came after filing for divorce this past November, and then realizing that I couldn't move on between H's resistance and my own personality.  After a huge fight sometime after Christmas, I decided to try to make it work.  I am still trying to understand why I can't leave, why I put up with the abuse, and what I am getting out of this r/s.  I look for tools and support here to keep me going.  I am also trying to learn to accept and to change from within.  It isn't easy.

[briefcase]

It's interesting how many of us--me included--sort of found our way here because we "couldn't" pull the plug and just end the relationship.  Everything I tried for fifteen years had failed, and I came here looking for some new way to approach the marriage.  Several years in, I've found the tools and lessons have helped me grow as a person and cope with some of the big issues in the marriage.  Life is better.

[toomanyeggshells]

I came across this website while searching online for ways to deal with a jealous, possessive, out of control boyfriend.  We bought a house together  about a year before I found this place and it was a horrible year.  He turned into a completely different person the day we moved into the house.  I wasn't going to leave since I put all my money into buying the house.  I needed to get some suggestions on dealing with him.

Well, come to find out that he has a mental illness ... he's not just a mean, nasty person.  Evidently, he can't help himself (well, he could if he acknowledged a problem but he won't). 

Its been 2-1/2 years since we moved in together and most of its been hell.  A few decent days sprinkled in, but mostly just misery.  Where was that great, fun, outgoing guy I fell in love with and wanted to spend my life with? Gone, and in his place the nastiest person I've ever known. 

I took a break from here a couple months ago because I was in my feeling hopeless mood but now I'm back trying to learn some more.  I'm not ready to give up completely and I'm not walking away from my investment in the house (unless he gets violent, then he's out) but I'm willing to keep trying for now, but God knows its hard to hang in there.

[iluminati]

What brought me here was a sense of community.  I figure that being in a group, our collective know-how would help sort through all the chaos of BPD.  I came here to figure out how to make this work, and get some support for the day-to-day challenges of being a "non".  The more I worked the tools, the more I figured out where I stood and where my wife stood.  Now, I can just negotiate the day-to-day challenges while looking to the future with a clear set of eyes.

[Steph]

It's interesting how many of us--me included--sort of found our way here because we "couldn't" pull the plug and just end the relationship.  Everything I tried for fifteen years had failed, and I came here looking for some new way to approach the marriage.  Several years in, I've found the tools and lessons have helped me grow as a person and cope with some of the big issues in the marriage.  Life is better.

 Fascinating, really...

And in our case, we talked about reuniting ONLY IF ( after therapy for me and DBT for a few years for him) we could be healthy together and that, indeed, we would rather be healthy than go back to where things had been..

And it really is interesting, isnt it, that so many of us knew logically that it made sense to leave, yet something inside of us overrode our logic and we couldnt do it.

Any thoughts about what that could be?

I do know it ended, for me, as I got healthier.

[real lady]

what is was that brought you here in the first place?

I had JUST begun to understand that I was dealing with BPD. I love my husband and I "knew" that I could help myself and him cope better as I learned more about it. He had been threatening "ending" our marriage but I "heard him" but would not reward that talk with anxiety and showing that I was upset about it.

I had heard good things about this site and knew that it was the ONE that I could turn to...thank you so much for being here. I am especially grateful for the "staying" board as other PD sites really don't support those who want to live with their pwBPD or other pd. thanks again.

[CodependentHusband]

And it really is interesting, isnt it, that so many of us knew logically that it made sense to leave, yet something inside of us overrode our logic and we couldnt do it.

Any thoughts about what that could be?

I do know it ended, for me, as I got healthier.

Steph,
    I just want to tell you what an inspiration you have been to me. Your posting in the Success Stories thread was among the first I read on the Staying board. I know that we all wish that our pwBPD would get into and stay in therapy; however, short of that it CAN be better. Last week was one of the best weeks I've ever spent with my wife. The weekend... eh... not so great, but, you know what, despite how hopeless my untreated pwBPD feels when she gets dysregulated, I know that it will pass, and I can work the tools to try to make things better in the meantime.

You ask what it could be that makes us stay? I know for me that it was love, and something else that was there all along, but I've learned to develop it even further... compassion. Before my wife's dx, I had compassion for her, but not nearly to the extent that I do now. This is a direct result of me educating myself here to understand what she truly can and cannot control. and learning what I can and should control... myself.

[Marvin Martian]

I came to this site & this board to learn about BPD, and learn the tools & skills to be a positive to the situation. There is a couple hundred miles between our homes, and prior to me learning about the disorder [after she started to dys-regulate] she was going to move here. I do wonder if it is more harmful to her that we are not always in close physical contact. There have been many times I have been ready to post on the success stories because of something good that is happening, but then a set back. The reason I didn't just quit after I started to understand the disorder is because I thought "this woman was almost to be my wife, if she had developed diabetes, I would just have to learn to cook differently". instead I have had to learn to validate etc. The tools on this website and reading several books on the subject have helped greatly. I don't know the final outcome, because I am only half of the relationship, and the push cycle is in play at the moment, but I am happy to be working on staying.

[megocean]

Its been suggested that there's more heat than light on the Staying Board lately and that might be causing those seeking "hope" to turn away.  I guess while I might agree with that, I note that "Staying is HARD"  "Applying the tools is HARD".   

Given that Staying is only possible when you can making changes in yourself, perhaps we should all keep presenting the changes we are making in thought, word, and deed that are making things better.  artman.1 is probably the best example of that lately.  Way to go Art...

I, for one, find a lot of hope on the Staying board. The people here keep on trying, but they don't deny reality and that gives me a sense of connectedness. When I feel alone because of the challenges in my r/s, I can feel connected here and return to my SO feeling stronger and better able to manage what is difficult. If the people here didn't write about the tough stuff, I would feel quite hopeless, I think.

So I guess I can say I come to Staying for hope, then...

And as in the quote above, when people present the changes they are making, that is always helpful role modeling.

[Steph]

And it really is interesting, isnt it, that so many of us knew logically that it made sense to leave, yet something inside of us overrode our logic and we couldnt do it.

Any thoughts about what that could be?

I do know it ended, for me, as I got healthier.

Steph,
    I just want to tell you what an inspiration you have been to me. Your posting in the Success Stories thread was among the first I read on the Staying board. I know that we all wish that our pwBPD would get into and stay in therapy; however, short of that it CAN be better. Last week was one of the best weeks I've ever spent with my wife. The weekend... eh... not so great, but, you know what, despite how hopeless my untreated pwBPD feels when she gets dysregulated, I know that it will pass, and I can work the tools to try to make things better in the meantime.

You ask what it could be that makes us stay? I know for me that it was love, and something else that was there all along, but I've learned to develop it even further... compassion. Before my wife's dx, I had compassion for her, but not nearly to the extent that I do now. This is a direct result of me educating myself here to understand what she truly can and cannot control. and learning what I can and should control... myself.

 YES! Compassion!

It makes SO much difference if we can truly get that BPD is a mental illness and an extraordinarily painful one. Suicide is not uncommon.

If we can allow ourselves to stop it being about us, about it being done TO us, and see the pain and agony behind the symptoms, then we can find our way to compassion.

Once there, things change because we change. Our perception has shifted and that is exactly what it takes

 

Steph

[briefcase]

I remember a time a few years ago when things were really, really bad.  We'd both looked into lawyers for a divorce and the end seemed real and near. 

As a token effort, I asked my wife to meet me for lunch.  We arrived at about the same time and I watched her walk up to meet me at the door of the restaurant.  She had obviously gotten dressed up for the occassion, and I remember thinking how very sad she looked.  At that moment, and a few other times, I felt some compassion for her.  But, overall I don't think it was compassion, or even love, that kept me in the marriage.

In the end, I realized that I had not really tried to change anything.  I had allowed resentment to build to the point where I couldn't take the pain, which made leaving seem very enticing.  But it felt unfair to everyone, including her and my children, that I would just leave without having made a real effort.  So I stayed and worked at it.  We didn't have formal "Lessons" then, but ideas floating around this board seemed worth trying out.  The Lessons do work, but there are limits to how far they will take you. 

[Wanda]

 for me i stumbled upon this site it has been years since i looked up BPD almost forgot my husband had it, but every four months he reminded me, and due to not keeping any boundaries working the tools and skills i forgot what to do.
 when i found this site i thought i could help people with my experience due to my husband is not diagnoised, and yet his rages went from almost every day to like once every four months .
 THen by being on here i went back into my boundaries and they became stronger, and my tools and skills i even learned to communicate better something i didn't and still not good at but am much better then i was.   now rages are like never he rants but those are short and sweet, how he is now  is  normal.     he can express his feelings now and tell me why he is really mad where before he couldn't, but of course this is after he has calmed down. so this site i came on here to help others, but in return this site has helped me. it also has helped with dealing with my kids due to those skills and tools and boundaries you can use them on every one...

[LoveNotWar]

Wanda, your posts always inspire me.   Thank you.