How do I get my BPD's mother on-side

[Think About It...]

I would appreciate some help here!

My BPD fiance is pregnant and if she wasn't I would run for the hills. Sadly she is and I want to give it my absolute best shot for our unborn daughter's sake. Not that I haven't been giving the relationship my absolute best shot the whole way through...but you know how it is!  

Anyway, I've experienced the push/pull/splitting/lack of affection/lack of sex/lack of empathy/irrational thinking throughout our relationship but since she got pregnant 18 months in, the nightmare has ramped up several notches.

On the day she found out she was pregnant a massive 'push' cycle began with no trigger other than the fact she was pregnant. This was horrid for me as a joyous occasion became one of the utmost regret. After weeks of trying to validate and being blamed for our entire relationship being 'rubbish' I finally won her back. Each time this happens I trust in the relationship less and know that it's only a matter of time before it happens again. Sure enough it did. Two days before she cancelled our wedding and kicked me out (2 weeks after the first baby scan), she had begged me never to leave her, told me how everything felt so right between us and how we were meant to be together. The following day she started an argument over *nothing* and it resulted in her finishing with me. Apparently I wasn't there for her, treated her badly and bringing a baby into such an environment would be terrible.


I have been living in my car for almost three months now, showering at sports centres and trying to keep this latest break-up away from my friends and family. I am deeply embarrassed and as my BPD partner is pregnant, I am keeping the option open for us to continue again as if this never happened.
Anyway, I am shattered due to a chronic lack of sleep and have awful back ache thanks to spending so long in the car. On top of all this I have had to deal with the stress and heartache of a massive splitting period from my BPD partner. Does she seem to have any empathy for my plight? Certainly not.

I ring her every single day to try and sort this out. I leave my own feelings and hurt out of it to solely concentrate on her. On the days she can be bothered to talk to me I am faced with an angry and blaming woman who shows zero interest in moving forwards. I am the cause of all her pain and I am the bad guy. Never does she show any signs of wanting to sort this out.

We briefly appeared to have turned a corner last week and she invited me over. We spent a nice afternoon and although I was obviously walking on eggshells the whole time, it was a remarkable turnaround in relations. Sadly last Saturday she posted a Facebook comment on her wall thanking her ex for something he had done for her. This is the same ex she has had an emotional affair with during our relationship and the same ex we had almost split-up over several months ago. She had promised me that she would have nothing more to do with him and I had made it a condition of us staying together.

SO, after months of me living in my car and MAJOR BPD splitting to contend with, we had *just* turned a corner and now she does this. I have told her politely and rationally that I am very upset about it and what has she done? Yes, ended our relationship once and for all because I'm "pathetic" and always criticising her. Apparently, even at a time like this when she is pregnant, I'm "not there for her". Projection much?  

What has REALLY annoyed and upset me today is calling her and her mum answered. Her mum was incredibly off with me and totally acted like I was the one in the wrong and obviously 'abusing' her daughter. She told me that my BPD partner didn't want to talk to me and then hung up the phone.
Why on earth am I the bad guy here? I have had my heart ripped apart and savaged by the nastiest person to roam the planet, I have given her numerous chances and I have behaved like a lovesick lapdog...yet I am the cause of all this? Give me strength!

How do I get my BPD's mother on-side here, how do I get her to appreciate that her daughter is the problem? This is such a serious miscarriage of justice that I am beside myself with anger right now. I'm getting off her mum exactly what I get off her, namely a load of heartache and then the blame for it!

[Miserable_moi]

I would appreciate some help here!

My BPD fiance is pregnant and if she wasn't I would run for the hills. Sadly she is and I want to give it my absolute best shot for our unborn daughter's sake. Not that I haven't been giving the relationship my absolute best shot the whole way through...but you know how it is!  

Anyway, I've experienced the push/pull/splitting/lack of affection/lack of sex/lack of empathy/irrational thinking throughout our relationship but since she got pregnant 18 months in, the nightmare has ramped up several notches.

On the day she found out she was pregnant a massive 'push' cycle began with no trigger other than the fact she was pregnant. This was horrid for me as a joyous occasion became one of the utmost regret. After weeks of trying to validate and being blamed for our entire relationship being 'rubbish' I finally won her back. Each time this happens I trust in the relationship less and know that it's only a matter of time before it happens again. Sure enough it did. Two days before she cancelled our wedding and kicked me out (2 weeks after the first baby scan), she had begged me never to leave her, told me how everything felt so right between us and how we were meant to be together. The following day she started an argument over *nothing* and it resulted in her finishing with me. Apparently I wasn't there for her, treated her badly and bringing a baby into such an environment would be terrible.


I have been living in my car for almost three months now, showering at sports centres and trying to keep this latest break-up away from my friends and family. I am deeply embarrassed and as my BPD partner is pregnant, I am keeping the option open for us to continue again as if this never happened.
Anyway, I am shattered due to a chronic lack of sleep and have awful back ache thanks to spending so long in the car. On top of all this I have had to deal with the stress and heartache of a massive splitting period from my BPD partner. Does she seem to have any empathy for my plight? Certainly not.

I ring her every single day to try and sort this out. I leave my own feelings and hurt out of it to solely concentrate on her. On the days she can be bothered to talk to me I am faced with an angry and blaming woman who shows zero interest in moving forwards. I am the cause of all her pain and I am the bad guy. Never does she show any signs of wanting to sort this out.

We briefly appeared to have turned a corner last week and she invited me over. We spent a nice afternoon and although I was obviously walking on eggshells the whole time, it was a remarkable turnaround in relations. Sadly last Saturday she posted a Facebook comment on her wall thanking her ex for something he had done for her. This is the same ex she has had an emotional affair with during our relationship and the same ex we had almost split-up over several months ago. She had promised me that she would have nothing more to do with him and I had made it a condition of us staying together.

SO, after months of me living in my car and MAJOR BPD splitting to contend with, we had *just* turned a corner and now she does this. I have told her politely and rationally that I am very upset about it and what has she done? Yes, ended our relationship once and for all because I'm "pathetic" and always criticising her. Apparently, even at a time like this when she is pregnant, I'm "not there for her". Projection much?  

What has REALLY annoyed and upset me today is calling her and her mum answered. Her mum was incredibly off with me and totally acted like I was the one in the wrong and obviously 'abusing' her daughter. She told me that my BPD partner didn't want to talk to me and then hung up the phone.
Why on earth am I the bad guy here? I have had my heart ripped apart and savaged by the nastiest person to roam the planet, I have given her numerous chances and I have behaved like a lovesick lapdog...yet I am the cause of all this? Give me strength!

How do I get my BPD's mother on-side here, how do I get her to appreciate that her daughter is the problem? This is such a serious miscarriage of justice that I am beside myself with anger right now. I'm getting off her mum exactly what I get off her, namely a load of heartache and then the blame for it!

[Miserable_moi]

I must point out that my partner is undiagnosed but being an intelligent chap and living through this for two years, I am absolutely convinced that she has BPD along with a strong narcissistic streak. I have done hundreds of hours research into this as anyone who knows what it's like to live with a BPD partner will testify, it is OBVIOUS something is seriously wrong with them.

I'm sure her mother just thinks she's a little bit difficult and has a temper but it's always their partners who see the full extent of this illness isn't it?

[Auspicious]

Three months is a long time.

Why are you living in your car? Did you have a shared home before?  Who pays for that home now?

It would be nice to have her mother "on your side", but I wouldn't count on it. She's likely going to listen to her daughter, over - I'll be blunt here - her daughter's ex-boyfriend who stalk-calls her every day and lives in his car (that's how it will look to her).


Step 1, I think, is to start taking care of yourself. What can you do to get a place to live? What can you do to improve your own situation? let go, for a minute, of the idea of charming your way back in with her. Now what? What are some rational things you can do?

[Miserable_moi]

Three months is a long time.

Why are you living in your car? Did you have a shared home before?  Who pays for that home now?

It would be nice to have her mother "on your side", but I wouldn't count on it. She's likely going to listen to her daughter, over - I'll be blunt here - her daughter's ex-boyfriend who stalk-calls her every day and lives in his car (that's how it will look to her).


Step 1, I think, is to start taking care of yourself. What can you do to get a place to live? What can you do to improve your own situation? let go, for a minute, of the idea of charming your way back in with her. Now what? What are some rational things you can do?

I hear what you're saying but it's not strictly like that. It is only since last Saturday that she has said it's completely over. For the past three months she has given me glimpses of there being a possible reconciliation but they are possibly typical of a BPD wanting to keep me on the backburner? I have been living in my car because I am aware of the push/pull cycle - we've been here before many times. Also she is pregnant with my child so I don't want to give up on her. If I get another flat and tie myself into a 6-month lease, that would be a serious thing and would mean we would *definitely* be apart when my daughter is born. I am, as usual, sacrificing myself short-term in order to make sure I am available when she comes out of her push cycle. That's IF she does this time.

Like I said in my initial post, if she wasn't pregnant then I would just walk this time. Enough is enough. I wouldn't be living in my car. I have always thought this would be a temporary thing and that I would be back with her any day! If I had known it would go on this long I would have made other arrangements. I didn't want to crash on a friend's sofa as I don't want to show them how thoroughly sad my relationship is! I don't want them to think badly of her should we ever get back together. This is a complete nightmare.

[Auspicious]

Well, here's the problem.

1. You believe her to be seriously mentally ill.

2. You are willing to remain homeless until she does what you believe to be the rational thing.

What if she doesn't do the rational thing for six months? A year? Never?


If she is pregnant with your child, you can can legally establish paternity (at least, I believe you can, in most advanced Western countries). That will give you at the very least visitation rights, but won't solve your problem about needing a place to live.


Part of regaining control of your own life is dealing with what is, not what you wish was.

You need a place to live. Depending on the whims of someone whom you believe to be seriously mentally ill for you to have a place to live doesn't seem like such a good plan?

[Miserable_moi]

Well, here's the problem.

1. You believe her to be seriously mentally ill.

2. You are willing to remain homeless until she does what you believe to be the rational thing.

What if she doesn't do the rational thing for six months? A year? Never?


If she is pregnant with your child, you can can legally establish paternity (at least, I believe you can, in most advanced Western countries). That will give you at the very least visitation rights, but won't solve your problem about needing a place to live.


Part of regaining control of your own life is dealing with what is, not what you wish was.

You need a place to live. Depending on the whims of someone whom you believe to be seriously mentally ill for you to have a place to live doesn't seem like such a good plan?

All good points but these seem more of the 'leaving board' than the staying one? I want to try to fix whatever the problem is in her BPD mind, not forge on alone thinking it to be all over. I'm not complaining about the fact I'm living in my car, as bad as that may be. I'm wondering why someone who had turned a corner and apparently wanted our relationship to work would suddenly bring her ex into the equation, knowing it would derail things? I purposefully didn't rage at her or blow a gasket. I calmly explained why she had upset me and all I got in return was venom, anger and a dumping. She called me 'pathetic' for pulling her up on it. I mean, who wouldn't? Most men would have dumped her the first time she had an indescretion. Here's me walking on eggshells and trying to make sure NOTHING upsets her, yet what's she doing? I couldn't just let this ex business go as that would make me nothing more than a complete doormat. Yet by mentioning my dismay, it is ME who is in the wrong and ME who has messed-up. I just don't get it at all. She shouldn't have done it in the first place, at any time, let alone when we're trying to make-up! The least she could do is apologise and try and make it up to me but oh no, I am the guilty party for having a problem with it.  ?

[Miserable_moi]

Nobody else thinks there is anything wrong with her. She is beautiful, smart, outgoing, flirty and seemingly the nicest and sexiest person you could ever meet. Why is it only me who has to contend with quite the opposite? If I were a neutral I'm sure I would believe her side of the story and think it was her nasty boyfriend who was causing all the trouble. This is what makes these relationships so terrible, the BPD gives us all the blame for everything and so too, probably, does everyone else. What a rotten state of affairs.

[Auspicious]

All good points but these seem more of the 'leaving board' than the staying one?

I'm a Stayer. My wife ran off to another city, tried to kill herself, went in and out of a psychiatric ward, wanted a divorce, didn't want a divorce, for awhile was staying in a woman's shelter and having a free lawyer, making threats ... and in the end, we are still/back together. I'm a Stayer.  ;p

I'm not suggesting that you leave. I'm suggesting that you rationally deal with your situation. Those are not (always) the same thing.

Finding a place to stay doesn't have to mean giving up on her forever. What it means is you would be finding a place to stay.

I want to try to fix whatever the problem is in her BPD mind, not forge on alone thinking it to be all over.

You can't fix what is in her mind. Only she can, by working hard in therapy.

I'm not complaining about the fact I'm living in my car, as bad as that may be. I'm wondering why someone who had turned a corner and apparently wanted our relationship to work would suddenly bring her ex into the equation, knowing it would derail things?

There is no way to know for sure, since you can't read her mind. But since you believe her to be seriously mentally ill, it's possible that she is simply acting irrationally. If that is the case, you wouldn't be able to understand it anyway, since there would be nothing to understand.

Yet by mentioning my dismay, it is ME who is in the wrong and ME who has messed-up.

Maybe in her eyes - but you don't have to agree with her. She isn't the supreme judge of the universe.


Have you read the Lessons yet? Probably the last thing you feel like doing, but what you've been doing isn't working, is it?   

[CodependentHusband]

How do I get my BPD's mother on-side here, how do I get her to appreciate that her daughter is the problem? This is such a serious miscarriage of justice that I am beside myself with anger right now. I'm getting off her mum exactly what I get off her, namely a load of heartache and then the blame for it!

I understand your wanting support in helping your pwBPD. I really do! I've been there with this. As Miserable_moi pointed out, healthy family members usually ALREADY know that there is a problem. In my case, I actually got support from her FOO, but nothing is ever that simple, because there are repercussions. She will likely feel even more controlled and "ganged-up" on. That's what happened to my wife. As of now, it appears that the damage from my actions has caused some damage to our r/s. So, be careful what you wish for. As hard as it is, I really suggest that you work the tools and concentrate on what you can do yourself. Telling her that she has a problem and getting others involved is likely to make things worse if she isn't open to this. The only exception to this is if you have reason to believe that she may harm herself.


If you really care about her, you need to make yourself as healthy as you can. Sleeping in your car is not going to be a healthy environment to do that. As hard as it is, I think that you should ask for support for yourself at this time and secure some better living arrangements. This WILL help you to help her more in the long-run. You have to put your oxygen mask on first before helping others.

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. I know it is hard!