sexual relationships with a BPD spouse

[Think About It...]

I was wondering if anyone out there have had their partner or spouse want them to take part in sex outside the marriage, or anything that you found as uncomfortable?  This is so odd to talk about, but I am wondering if it is part of the BPD. 
thanks

[Wanttorelax]

I was wondering if anyone out there have had their partner or spouse want them to take part in sex outside the marriage, or anything that you found as uncomfortable?  This is so odd to talk about, but I am wondering if it is part of the BPD. 
thanks

[buterfly]

This is a little awkward, but...

About 6 yrs. after we were together my husband started asking me if I wanted to have a threesome with him and another girl.  I declined this invitation multiple times, but eventually I gave in.  This was one of those constant fights with no resolution.  Anyway, We had threesomes.  They were not everything we had hoped they would be.  In fact after a while I began to dislike doing it at all.  It did feel as though I was forcing myself to participate just to please his needs.  I also did this because at the time I had complete trust in him, and was not jealous.

Come to find out... he had cheated on me. Fear of abandonment.  Last year I caught him talking to a girl late at night.

Anyway, I have read bits here and there about how BPD spouses do this type of thing just as they would cutting, or over-shopping, or gambling or drinking or drugs.  How it makes them feel better because it eases some of those severe emotions, but then after they do it the feel even more guilt for the act itself. 

[yeeter]

Hi want,

Im not sure its related specifically to BPD - I think there are a number of couples that go though this (where one person is interested in exploring outside the relationship and another is not).

I had a gf once that had partners outside of our relationship.  There were good and valid reasons for it (for me at least - I understood it and supported it).  She told me about it, and even shared some limited details.  This was a very very healthy and strong relationship between us, and we shared everything and were both extremely emotionally mature people.  It worked (in so much that its possible for something like this to work).

Otherwise I havent met anyone that wouldnt find it strange and awkward and a substitute for something else.

I think participating in it with someone with BPD would be a complete disaster.  They cant handle one relationship - how could they possibly handle the complexities of polygamy?  Competition, jealousy, insecurities, etc.  Im open minded, but dont see how it wouldnt end up in disaster.

[xeon]

Tough to say... but my wife has asked me a time or two or three...  I've asked her if she's serious and she says she isn't, but she's said it more than once.  Last year after her "dark" period she mentioned it more than a few times... "it's only sex", "wouldn't it be fun if I brough a woman home for you", "wouldn't it be fun to dance with me between you and another guy"... that sort of thing.  She used to be adamant about the term "making love" but no longer uses that word much... we "have sex" or "f".  I wonder what her "fantasies" really are, I really do.  In regards to us and our sex life, she's pretty boring honestly. 

So like many things with her, I feel like there's some mystery to her.  Is she really wanting to go outside of our marriage or is this something she wants to do to please me since our sex life is so vanilla sometimes?  Throw in the whole image issues with BPD, which I believe she likes to get attention from other men from time to time.  I have no idea... all I know is that I have no interests in sleeping with other women or sharing her with other men as long as we are married... even if our sex life is "vanilla". 

[Auspicious]

As with many things, it's not specific to BPD.

Things like impulsiveness, identity disturbance, intimacy issues, and so forth can manifest many different ways in many different people. Think of it something like input and ouput, where the same input can produce different possible outputs.

It's the impulsiveness, identity disturbance, intimacy issues, and so forth that are common to BPD, not the {insert output here}.