Has been a tough week for me - starting with last week. Spring break, stay-cation ends on Weds. Not handling total lack of routine, working from home while everyone else in house -- blah blah blah. As DD25 keeps reminding me "everything is all about you mom". Then to top it off all these things have come together to put DD into a bad state about her not being "the mom" for gd. Much of it is good news for me, but then I have some reason or other to include DD -- well it is about her too. But she sees it all a bad news for her -- or another way of bringing up that dh and I are raising gd6 even with her in the house. So I am trying to be gracious and understanding of her mind-state in the horrible ways she has been treating me in front of gd the past few days. Dh is wanting to let things "get better" before I pursue getting her out of the house. She has no where to go except under a tree in the city park moving, moving to keep from getting an illegal camping or loitering ticket. I know this is a big ramble - the best I can do for now.
What is the list of things that has come about over this 'spring break'?
Call from child support enforcement office with new case for gd6 - we are getting child only TANF benefits to help with costs for her and the CSE is a requirement. The case for DD will be filed with zero support due because of her disability status with county (she gets Adult Needy Disabled cash stipend as long as she is active in her case to get federal SSI disabilty benefits. So if DD will stop by the office and sign the paperwork she can avoid the fees to have them 'served' on her. So I told DD about this - good thing to me, brought lots of bad feelings close to surface for DD.
Got appt. with new lawyer for the SSI appeal to federal district court. APPT friday with lawyer one hour drive away. I was dreading this, and it was a difficult drive there, more difficult home and since. I was sick so dh drove and gd had to come by default - no school, friends all busy, we have no family support with gd anymore. In filling out the request to waive the filing fees due to DD indigent status attorney asked about her marital status (she hates to speak that she is divorced - brings up loss of her son in foster care and deportation of her husband) and if she had dependent children. DD insisted on putting gd on there even though she is certainly not DD's dependent. And this set DD off on her anger roll that continues today about dh and I having permament custody when she signed a temporary order (in 2006). Just makes me want to gag to hear her attitudes about this. We have spent all our savings on this beautiful child, and much emotional and mental energy as well. DD has just not been there for her little girl ---and yes DD is doing the best she can, and can do better and on and on with all the DBT assumptions. THey just don't make me feel any better anymore.
Then we get in the mail an application for DD to enter a drawing for medicaid benefits for Adults without Dependent CHildren. OMG - another reference to the fact that gd6 is under our custody and not DD's. And this is such a good opportunity in my whole being - though DD most likely would not take advantage of the options medicaid would give her for treatment and therapy. She has to get a new state photo ID (hers was taken when she was arrested 2/27 for DUI - though she proclaims her innocence. I do not know what to believe about this proclamation) and sign the form. At least we have a few weeks to get this done. And with my money most likely.
And then gd's daddyA calls from his release from prison to another sober house - give me address to give the CSE people so they can send him the child support papers. Tell gd he loves her and misses her. It is his happy family fantasy -- he has not seen her since we kicked him out of house at New Years Day 2007. Gd is struggling to remember who this is that keeps calling her and writing her saying he loves her. She refuses to talk to him at this point, or talk about him. This is new behavior in past few months. Maybe she is growing up enough to realize that he is not HERE FOR HER. And I have told him he cannot show up at my door to visit her and then just walk away again - as he has outstanding warrant in this state if he ever gets done with his parole where he is now. So I get this letter, on day 3 of his stay at newest sober house, with usually assurances of how hard he is going to work at this, and how he is going to get is legal stuff taken care of in our state so he can be a daddy for gd. (he is facing 2-6 years in prison here for probation violations when he left state back in 2007 on felony menacing and 3rd degree assault conviction -- he beat up cops when out of his mind drunk/high being arrested for disrupting the peace. THis is his pattern - gets crazy when drunk). Then I started getting phone calls 2 days ago wanting bus ticket - he had walked from sober house as could not do the group thing. Wanted to go to his family in another part of state. I said, sorry but no. THen he calls DD - and now she puts pressure on me about making things too hard for him and for her around their daughter -- my standards are too high for them to achieve. AND HE IS WANTING BUS TICKET HERE TO SEE GD, AND I HAD BETTER LET HIM!
So what is that - four big things to dysregulate DD around gd's status. THis is her MAJOR TRIGGER for raging against me. And she has been mostly sarcastic. until last night when she walked through the living room on her way to have a cigarette and looked at gd and said: I love you gd and would never ever hurt you. But I feel like hurting grandma all the time. OMG OMG OMG
So I asked gd at bedtime how she was feeling. She repeated back to me exactly what her mom had said. ANd then held up her hand like a gun and asked "like this grandma?" We talked about how I was going to keep myself safe, about how she was going to keep herself safe --- what 6 year old should have to be having this conversation? And gd said she wishes her mom lived in a motel and then she could go visit her. I replied we do not have money for a motel. Mom would be living in the park again. So much sadness here.
DD and friendG were gone for a while and so I asked dh what he was willing to do about this. That I did not feel safe in my home, gd did not feel safe in our home -- did he feel safe. He thinks I am over-reacting to everything. Today DD says I am over-reacting to everything --- Dh confronted her when she came home last night about gd's bedtime conversation.
So DD says to gd today that she would not actually hurt me - she just feels like it sometimes. She said "it is like when you try to bite grandma, you do not mean to hurt her". I just kept quiet - I just wanted to scream GD IS A CHILD BEHAVING LIKE A CHILD -- YOU ARE AN ADULT, ACT LIKE ONE.
So I am trying to do the validating things, the DBT assumption things, the Wise Mind things -- it is just not working for me today. All I can do is my best to be here for gd today (she skipped her bike camp that she was begging for with a tummy ache this morning - think she wants to stick by me to be sure I will still be here for her!), and avoid DD. ANd DD confronted me about not talking to her. I said I did not have anything to say that would make anything better for anyone. It seemed when I got involved in anything with her it just seemed to make things worse. The best I can do right now is to stay quiet.
So DD has taken friendG toa workforce appt - hope he gets a job - he is a good guy and contributes to the household. Hope they don't come back until I am in bed asleep. And I am a really bad wife as well - have not been able to feel connected to dh in an intimate way for a very long time. Maybe I should just leave - but nowhere to go. Maybe a tree in the park would work for me as well.
Need to go cook dinner now. Feeling deserted by God and everyone else tonight. Need to stop thinking for a bit.