lm1109,
I've read and related to a TON of common BPD traits. I was just having some flashbacks to my childhood and thinking about some specific things my BPD mother did/said and wondered if these things were common or if anyone else experienced them..or if they were just her?
Welcome, lm1109. Hi! Have you posted on the board for new members yet?
1.) The first thing is how she would call me someone else when she mad(she did this to my dad and brother as well. What I mean is she HATED all of my friends, dads, and brothers friends. So she would rant and RANT about how horrible and awful a specific person was and then call me by that persons name. EX: She hated my friend Ashley and would go on and on about how she hates them and how horrible they are. I disagree with my mom at any point in time about ANYTHING she says: Oh ok Ashley! Know it all Ashley! Why dont you quit pretending you are Ashley!" She did this with EVERYONE in our lives over and over again..whoever she hated the most at the time. She even did it to my adult Dad with his friend..how demeaning! Come to think of it she still kind of does it to me..in a different way. She goes from job to job and of course hates everyone in every office...THEY are all crazy. She will go on and on about a woman she hates in her office and then tell me in another conversation how I am alot like her!
My mother used to talk about people with venom coming out of her mouth. However, she personally never called me by someone's name who she hated. That being said, it sounds very BPD-like and I'm sure others here have mothers who did that.
2.) Another is I know mood swing/ragess are common. My mom always did a specific thing. It's kind of funny looking back now. She would be in a great mood and everything would be fine..then she would go in the bathroom for like 45 mins at a time(she says it was her place to get away from us) and then come out freaking out about something that was said or done or not done days, weeks, sometimes even years ago(no lie!) Me and my brother used to joke and wonder..what the hell goes on in that bathroom!
Yes, mood swings and rages are extremely common. That's terrible that your mother used to hide in the bathroom. I can't surmise what she did in there. Did she ever cut? Heck, at least her hiding in the bathroom gave you are your sibling some peace and quiet from the chaos, no?
3.) The other thing is the one that has bothered me the most as I got older..and still bothers me when I think about it! She never taught me how to do my hair, or dress, or do my makeup! NEVER! She would pull my hair up in a pony tail when I was a kid and that was about it(and I remember the HORRIBLE rages when she brushed my hair and I said it hurt!) But as I started to get older she never taught me how to do ANY of that! I can remember her taking an hour to hour 1/2 getting HERSELF ready in the morning and yelling at everyone to get out of the bathroom! But never helped or tried to teach me how to use a curling iron..or dress nice or decent! I look back and think how could she do that..was it on purpose! I mean I looked bad..alot! I started to figure things out for myself obviously around 15 or so...but I just dont get it. I am about to have my second son and am so excited to try for a girl someday because doing her hair and dressing her up seem like the FUN things you do with your little girl! I can remember her FLIPPING out on me when I hit around 13/ 14 and started trying to use her makeup..its not that she would'nt allow me to wear makeup at that age..it was HERS and if I wanted some I needed to somehow figure out how to get my own...even though I couldnt drive, and couldnt legally get a job untill 16, and had NO money! ? She was VERY possesive over wierd stuff like that! Looking back I don't even feel like I had the proper AMOUNT of clothes as a kid/young teen. I mean I know we didnt have alot of money..but SHE always seemed to have enough and look good(even though she claims she was ALWAYS the one to go without) This is the one thing that has been bothering me the MOST lately! Did she want me to look bad or do it on purpose? Every once in a while she will pull out an old picture of me and laugh about how I looked..when I make a comment about how she never taught me or helped me..she laughs and says she tried but thats how I WANTED to look! PLEASE! She never tried! Now I am such a perfectionist about how I look..which is bad..I know..but I can't help it! My son is 3 and I love dressing him cute..she will make comments about how he always has to be dressed up and call me "Vikki" (another example of calling me someone else) which is her cousin who dresses her kids in all designer VERY expensive clothes..which I dont even do!
This is not uncommon, either. I'm in my 40s and am still struggling with this. My mother used to hurt my ears a lot when she combed my hair, because of how hard, impatient, and rushed it all was. She didn't care to teach me about clothing, makeup, hair, or anything remotely feminine. I, too, became a perfectionist about the way I looked, especially in the professional world, but I'm learning that that was probably a huge turnoff to people because it gave me a hard sort of look. My T has helped me a lot to find my own style, a sense of femininity that I want, and a softer look--all by him just making very subtle comments about my appearance.
The internet is a great place to read about hair, clothes, makeup, etc. You might want to try pintrest, too, to see what other sites people are going to. Bobbi Brown has some great books about makeup. There are a lot of books out there, too, about finding your own sense of clothing style.
If your mother calls you by the wrong name, I would sternly look at her and say, "Mom, if you ever call me by the wrong name again on purpose, I am ending my relationship with you." You need to set boundaries.
I know it's easier said than done, but you are an adult now and you need to work on letting go of all the pain, mixed signals, chaos, cruelness, confusion, etc. that your mother threw at you. We're all working on it.
Concentrate on being the best mother you can be for your son. Be the mother you wished you had for yourself. And if you have questions about motherhood, someone about 2-3 weeks ago posted a topic about favorite parenting books. I encourage you to check out that topic.
Yes, I often thought my mother dressed me horribly on purpose, and did nothing when I was 13 and stopped bathing, etc. (I was bullied because of my weight, my hairstyle she forced me to have, and the clothes she forced me to wear). I think a sick, twisted, evil part of her liked that I smelled badly and looked disheveled, because it gave her just another reason to kick me around and tell people that I was going to amount to nothing.
I'm working on letting it all go... I'm past grieving about the mother I didn't have. I'm trying to continue to internalize that it was her, not me, so that I can be free of her chains and live a normal, content life.
I'm glad you feel better letting it all out. It really does help immensely to be on this board and hear that you're not alone in what you went through. Certainly a million times better than dipping your toes into the ice cold water, telling a friend just a little smidgeon of what your mother is like, only to have them look at you with a perplexed look on their face and not say anything in return.
