Hi again everyone, it's very validating knowing that we are all going through the same issues. doryswimagain, I've gone through this twice now, the most recent relationship for two years and prior to that my ex-husband of 15 years who most certainly is BPD and other issues (possibly antisocial and most definitely narcissistic) I'm sure. Yes, you are exactly right, we didn't just have break-ups, we were abused by these people. You mentioned your daughters and saving them from his destructive behaviors, I understand that, my children are now young adults and I too have been protecting them from my ex-husband's abuse for years too. Finally last year we all confronted him and it's true what they say, stand up to a bully and they back down with their tail between their legs. It hasn't changed him, but let's say it keeps him in check. Because for him the most important thing in the world is his image, God forbid someone find out that he's not a perfect father. He's mentioned many times what a perfect husband and ex-husband he was and also the greatest dad. This is a man who has continually emotionally abused all of us horribly and a few times when we were married physically abused me. So you are absolutely right, we are not only recovering from the broken heart, we are recovering from abuse and the effects of their games and manipulation.
goingbonkers and doryswimagain, you spoke of something that is so true! When I was in my marriage I was a great actress hiding from others the truth. It wasn't until the end of my marriage that I started to open up and even then it was difficult because I truly believed I was betraying him by talking to the people close to me. That is how deep the hold is that they have on you. With this most recent relationship, my married ex plays the phony fake marriage really well. I'm close to his aunt and his son has said too, when they are behind closed doors they had no relationship, but when they go out in public you would think they just got married, they could win an academy award for how affectionate and lovey dovey they are!
I can't really say much however because I did the same thing when I was married.
Anyway... these are the issues our friends and family cannot comprehend. We are not just going through a break-up, we are recovering from the effects of abuse and the toll it takes on us physically too. For many of us we've been dealing with this for many years, for me I suppose it's been my whole life, it makes me sick to even say that, but with a mother who most certainly is BPD, an ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend, I guess that makes me a life timer with this. No wonder I feel I'm going crazy myself at times. These posts have been helping so much, it really is nice to know there are so many people going through the same battles.