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Think About It... Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time...~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent
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Author Topic: I must have gotten through to him, but...  (Read 1890 times)
yeeter
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« Reply #40 on: April 05, 2012, 08:45:52 AM »

Finances are one of the biggest disagreements in relationships.  There are no rules on how its done.  For example, I am the sole income producer in our house, yet my wife handles ALL money.  Its an issue for me, and on my list to resolve as we go forward.

Yes there are times when I resent the fact that I have to ask to spend even a modest amount (I have a very high income - but have absolutely no control/visibility to it).  I allowed this at first because a) I trusted her with money, she is very good at it and b)  I didnt know the severity of how tightly it would be micro-managed.

Sure I could unilaterally redirect all the money to an account of my own - but am choosing instead to fight the battle once we get through a couple other things that are more important to me.

So its 'whatever works'.  Doubt the court has any say in it for any of the states.

Now... if you go divorce route, I expect something like this:

------------------------------------
Your honor, my wife and I were in a PARTNERSHIP.  We both worked, she went to school with the expectation of making a better life for both of us.  Now I have fallen on hard times and lost my job, like so many others.  So I focus on doing the things around the house, taking care of the children I love so much (we all know that children alone are a full time job), and am actively seeking non-traditional jobs even, like starting my own business.  She has graduated and moved up in the world/income ladder and now wants to dump me for something better.

----------------------------------

I know if this was gender reversed the courts would be pretty sympathetic and buy the story.  Subjective character judgments arent something the courts like to put too much into.

BUT - NWTG, I think you are in a state that I was several months back.  And that is, you arent able to genuinely invest in saving the marriage.  My T at the time really challenged me on this - saying something like $#@! or get off the pot. (I always appreciated her directness).  The point being she said, was I can ALWAYS find a reason to sabotage the relationship.  The resentment had to be let go, the negativity towards everything about her had to be let go, and I had to step up and put real effort into saving the marriage (if I wanted to go that route - instead of just 'saying' I wanted it).

I chewed on this quite some time before deciding that the T was right.  I was not putting EVERY facility and my full capabilities into saving this marriage.  I always felt I could do almost anything I really put my mind to - so I set out to apply this attitude to my marriage.  Which the first step was changing MY attitude, and doing SOMETHING DIFFERENT.  Sitting around being pissed off at her all the time certainly wasnt it.  And wanting her to be/act/do a different way isnt fair in any relationship.  Layer on some co-dependency (if I do x for her, I can reasonably expect her to do what I want in return...).  These things dont work.

Dont ask me how I cleared the resentment, but to a large degree I just woke up one day and took a deep breath and said... .ok... whats past is past.  Now... move forward with MY life, one of the first steps is genuinely working on my marriage to learn if I can be happy in it.  Second step was learning and getting specific help (which led me to this board).  Third step was quit putting so much time/energy into thinking about it and instead spend more time on my own life (build a life for myself, with the marriage fitting into that in a way that works).

It was important to me that I genuinely TRIED - with all the skills and capacity that I possess.  I have young kids, and believe that life would be very chaotic if divorced parenting.

On the other hand, if you decide you just dont want to be in it anymore, that is very reasonable and doesnt make you a bad person.  In some ways, it makes you more sane than staying.

I went back to a site recently that resonated with me - 'simple marriage' website.  There is a nice article there on being a 'nice guy' and how that causes disfunction (instead, focus on yourself and standing on your own - as a complement to the relationship).  But the other thing it said that resonated for me (as a 'thinker type'), is that you cant think, or analyze your way out of this.  You have to ACT, and DO - to make it better.

It also says get to a decision point as soon as possible, so you can each go on with your life - either together or apart.  Being stuck isnt healthy for anyone.  (you have come to the right place on advice of getting 'unstuck' - the group here are pro's since so many have lived it).

Sorry... really long.  Good luck, and please take ALL the comments here in the manner intended - just outside perspectives to offer you with the hope it might in some way be helpful to you.  We want to help.  (and besides, focusing on other peoples problems can be a nice escape from our own...)  wink

« Last Edit: April 05, 2012, 08:53:54 AM by yeeter » Logged
nowheretogo
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« Reply #41 on: April 05, 2012, 03:55:15 PM »

It's nearing the end of my workday.  I had a chance to read through this thread and many new replies this morning, but have not had a chance to revisit it until now.  Many of you had good responses, and as always, I appreciate each and every one smiley

There is a lot to process here.  I think part of my struggles is I always feel rushed to think about myself and the situation.  I usually speed read the posts, and my posts are usually rushed between huge volumes of responsibilities at work.

Just to be clear...I am not from an abusive home nor was there ever any alcoholism around me until I met H.  I am from a Roman Catholic family.  My parents have been married for 40 years this August, and still live in the house where I spent the first 18 years of my life.  They love and respect each other.  We were not the most highly effective communicators as a family growing up, and I guess I would say that was our major weakness.  I went through a period of "hating" my parents when I was a teen for being strict on rules having to do with boys and curfews mainly, because I was a straight A student (valedictorian) and truly believed in Catholicism at the time including abstinence from sex before marriage.  I guess I can draw a similarity here in that I felt like I was being viewed as a bad kid, when I was so good (as far as I could tell).  The parallel being that I thought I was a perfectly good and nice wife but suddenly felt demonized by H early on.  I don't really know if this is a fair comparison or not, but anyway.

Before filing for divorce, I was on the staying and don't know boards, and tried the tools, etc, brought up counseling, etc, tried asking H about his sexuality and being open to other arrangements if need be.  After a while, I felt it was fruitless and filed for divorce.

I want to be clear that I really think the best thing for us is divorce. If H would agree, I would feel the biggest sense of relief and a huge weight lifted from my shoulders.   I am trying because he is so vehemently opposed and turns to such evilness when there is talk of it.  I got to the point where I felt obligated by myself to really try to exhaust my options.  To prove like some of you have said that after I have changed and identified myself as much as possible, that there is or is not a r/s left. 

I know that there is negativity and resentment in my posts.  But I also know that some of this is just normal.  When your feelings are hurt, you get upset.  Most people could and would not tolerate treatment rendered by a BPD for nearly this long.  I can not vent at H, so I do it here. 

That being said, I am going to try to move forward at this point.

The important update here is that H got hired part time for the transportation job.  I don't know when he starts.  He said it's $13/hr.  I don't know if he gets to continue the unemployment compensation once it starts.  I don't know what the hours might be.  I have a feeling that he avoided full-time employment because he is still hopeful that he can start this PI business up.  The PI license has not been approved.  I am glad that he applied for and got a job.  I am going to try erasing any other negative thoughts that I might have about it right now, and move forward in as a supportive role as I can imagine.

As far as splitting the duties, I don't know if it's worth any major changes.  I do my fair share, and did plenty more before and even early on after H lost his job.  No matter what I do or don't do, he claims to do the bulk and "all by himself".  It's not going to change.  Negative?  or just true? 

Many of you have pointed out my negativity, and I agree, however, a lot of it is just the truth as far as I can tell.  H says the same thing.  "You are always so negative."  And he says that when I am pointing out true behaviors.  That are, you guess it, probably NEGATIVE.  lol

Anyhow,  Please keep in touch with me.  You have no idea how much it keeps me going.
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JustSaying
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« Reply #42 on: April 05, 2012, 04:07:19 PM »

I just read this article fully today. Thoughtful. Insightful. Funny at a couple of spots. Talks about a lot of stuff relevant to this thread. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate
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« Reply #43 on: April 06, 2012, 02:04:10 PM »

I just want to recount some events of last evening. 

btw, yesterday was H's 40th birthday.  I told him Happy Birthday in the morning.  Since I did the surprise him this past Sat and have gifts in the car that still need wrapping and still intend to make him a card, I didn't do anything else. 

I congratulated him on the job.  He seemed very excited that the man interviewing him had texted him.  So I picked up on that and said "That must make you feel really wanted."  And he said, "Yeah, it feels good!"  It was like magic.  A little emotional validation.  I have noticed about myself that I think more about it than do it, so here goes trying to kick it up a notch.

He then started in on my about my family.  My little brother surprisingly told me he might come see me and the kids for Easter.  I told him I would see how H reacted when I told him.  About a week ago I said "B might be coming for Easter."  He said "I guess I can't say anything, because he didn't stick  his nose into our business."  So I took that to mean, OK.  FF to yesterday.  He was saying, "I am glad that you talked with me about it first."  I recounted what he had said and said I thought he was ok with it.  He said "Well I'm not!"  I asked him if he was upset that his sons were coming on Sunday, and he basically said yes.  His S21 is a secret to much of H's world, and he commented that I must have told B about him, too.  He was going on and on about how my family has treated him like sht since I filed for divorce.  How I continue to disrespect him.  He said "Did it ever occur to you to tell your family that you jumped the gun by filing, that you are at fault, too?  Do you know that I will never be around your family?  That is what YOU have done!  You can't marry your family.  They aren't going to be there for you all the time."  I said, H, you are getting pretty heated and I don'ot want to talk about this in front of the kids, so I am going to upstairs for a little bit.  Maybe we can talk about this later when you have cooled down (probably should have said, we, but...)  Before I went upstairs with the kids, he had made comments about how he wasn't going to be sociable, he would sleep in the camper, etc.  I said that is your choice.  Then I forgot what led to it, but he said "the only biggest mistake I've ever made is marrying you."  I said, "Well get out of it then."  He said "in due time."  Which reminded me of our last couples counseling session when he told the MT that he was ready to move on, but was just waiting for the right time or right amount of money as suggested by MT.

I came back down with the kids probably close to an hour later, and he was much better.

Background info about my family is that I told my parents I had filed for divorce after I filed.  My parents told my siblings not too long thereafter.  We then got Christmas cards from the family.  My two sisters in law mailed cards addressed to me using my maiden rather than my married name.  It is the fact that my parents told my siblings and what my sisters in law did that he finds inexcusable.  Basically, if his family did these things, he would tell them off and not talk to them anymore, because they disrespected his wife.  He also states that my parents used to talk to him on the phone, but have never talked to him since, and have never tried to get his side of the story.  "And they call themselves Christians!"  he says.

I am not judging, just telling you the facts how they happend, and what was said.

He also mentioned last night that he knows that I filed for divorce the day before Thanksgiving because he had invited his sister and nephews over for Thanksgiving.  I told him that is NOT true.  In retrospect I might should have attempted validation with "I must really hurt to think that I don't like your family so much that I would divorce you for inviting them over."

I said that B was coming, and he said "that takes a lot of balls."

I am looking for more opinions on how to handle family/H stuff.  I do refuse to not see my family.  I am not sure how to appropriately validate and maintain the boundary of not allowing myself to be isolated.

On a side note, he told his D20 last night, who is completing a divorce, that what is important is that she "does what is right for her and moves on".  I said "what about if you really loved her than you would tell her to try to make it work?"  (he told me that about my family) and he said "Not with an ahole like that."  Interesting that D20 told me that her H reminds her a lot of her dad, (yelling, controlling, etc.)
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« Reply #44 on: April 06, 2012, 02:14:24 PM »

It sounds like there's an awful lot of back and forth, and trying to convince him of things.

Once he gets dysregulated, trying to reason is pointless. And destructive. And likely to dysregulate you, too.


And firing back. E.g.
Quote
Then I forgot what led to it, but he said "the only biggest mistake I've ever made is marrying you."  I said, "Well get out of it then."

What's the point of firing back at his emotional outburst?  What if you had just continued going upstairs?
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yeeter
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« Reply #45 on: April 06, 2012, 02:38:51 PM »

I just want to recount some events of last evening. 

btw, yesterday was H's 40th birthday.  I told him Happy Birthday in the morning.  Since I did the surprise him this past Sat and have gifts in the car that still need wrapping and still intend to make him a card, I didn't do anything else. 

I congratulated him on the job.  He seemed very excited that the man interviewing him had texted him.  So I picked up on that and said "That must make you feel really wanted."  And he said, "Yeah, it feels good!"  It was like magic.  A little emotional validation.  I have noticed about myself that I think more about it than do it, so here goes trying to kick it up a notch.


 Doing the right thing   Nice job NWTG, it works!


He was saying, "I am glad that you talked with me about it first."  I recounted what he had said and said I thought he was ok with it.  He said "Well I'm not!"  I asked him if he was upset that his sons were coming on Sunday, and he basically said yes.  His S21 is a secret to much of H's world, and he commented that I must have told B about him, too.  He was going on and on about how my family has treated him like sht since I filed for divorce.  How I continue to disrespect him.  He said "Did it ever occur to you to tell your family that you jumped the gun by filing, that you are at fault, too?  Do you know that I will never be around your family?  That is what YOU have done!  You can't marry your family.  They aren't going to be there for you all the time." 


It sounds like he was letting out some of his feelings here.  But only on the surface even.  Its in this type of dialog where I have found my behavior to have the biggest impact.  If I disagree or offer a counter point or judge, it will digress into a negative interaction.

If I continue to probe without judgement, validate, and genuinely try to learn what he is feeling/experiencing, it can be quite enlightening.  Part of the problem might be that he has a bunch of suppressed feelings he is trying to get out - and it overloads emotionally.  Which then puts you on the defensive (like needing to take a timeout).  If instead you can remain calm and give him an outlet to express himself before the emotions overload him - you can learn a lot about what is affecting him underneath.

It reads like there was much more that could be learned on this.  He was feeling some of his secrets were let out (risk of judgment by others, shame, etc).  He was feeling that others were against him since filing (judgment again, fear of being labeled, losing support, etc).  He was trying to share some of his views on the purpose of a marriage (that you two will always be there for each other in ways that other family cannot).  Latch on to any one of these and see if you can just listen carefully to him about it.  It will probably be somewhat of a rant by definition given how strong its affecting him, but you will get to know him better.  And if he feels this from you - that you care enough to listen - he will start having more positive feelings towards you as well.

The hardest part of this is that no, you dont get to offer your perspective or opinion or judgment on the matter.  It wont feel fair.  Its not.  But give it 6 months this way and see if this dynamic shifts a little after you rebuild some trust and bond together.

I think you do keep seeing your family.  That is helpful.  Hopefully, once you learn more about how seeing them affects your H - you can make some adjustments in how you do it that helps him accept you seeing them.  (and no doubt he feels less important in your life than they are - which is likely true at this point)

Its hard to bury all the history and fear that was present when filing/pending divorce.  I still struggle with it myself, and for sure my wife hasnt been able to let it all go.  We agreed to wipe clean slate and not bring up any of the history during that particular time (not easy to do at all...)

 Empathy
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JustSaying
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« Reply #46 on: April 06, 2012, 02:46:37 PM »

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My two sisters in law mailed cards addressed to me using my maiden rather than my married name.

That was rude of them.

Quote
Basically, if his family did these things, he would tell them off and not talk to them anymore, because they disrespected his wife.

Y'all are like a bunch of race cars, seeing how fast the extreme behaviors can go from 0 to 100! Not talk to them anymore? How about someone simply saying, "I'm still married and I still use the married name. Please use it, too."?

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He also mentioned last night that he knows that I filed for divorce the day before Thanksgiving because he had invited his sister and nephews over for Thanksgiving.  I told him that is NOT true.

That's a defensive reaction. When I was accused of washing dishes to make her feel bad, a "that is not true" reaction would also have been defensive and invalidating. Of course, my actual reaction of laughing wasn't validating, but by that time I'd had my fill of having to be hyper-vigilent in what I said while she had no filter...it had stopped working for me.

So, in the interest of Staying, what might you say the next time you're accused of manipulating the divorce filing timing? The interesting thing on this board to me is not so much what you should have said to each event, but what will you say or do the next time, as there surely will be a next time.

When these discussions with H start, how quickly can you tell it's going to go in an unpleasant direction? Does it going helter-skelter catch you by surprise or do you see the inevitable buildup to it well in advance? Perhaps focus on strategies to nip this in the bud--"Oh, sorry, I have to go to the bathroom" or "squirrel!" smiley --rather than letting it get a head of steam and then scrambling for careful phrasings that'll let you escape unscathed.
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« Reply #47 on: April 06, 2012, 03:34:11 PM »

Squirrels...those things run rampant in my yard.  grin

While reading your posts, I can't help but picture our MC trying to moderate you and you H in my mind, nowheretogo. Toward the end, he would just stop talking, smile, and shake his head. Much like a parent would while trying to get through to a teenager that taking the train into the city at midnight is NOT a perfectly fine idea.  We weren't in it anymore. (Though believe me, it took me YEARS to get there). I often think that MC knew from the beginning where it would end, but knew that I had to arrive at that point in my own time. Though I don't pretend to know your true destination, the same is true for you, I think.

Nothing anyone was going to say to us was going to help.  It was just time.  Be vigilant that if it is NOT time for you, you need to slow this runaway train down quickly, before it runs off the track.
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« Reply #48 on: April 08, 2012, 11:00:16 AM »

Remember the kids game " I know you are but what am I?"

I see that in play here...

It might help you to remember the advice my now recovered spouse says..

When someone is dysregulated..emotionally hurting and not rational... save yourself. Let them take care of their own needs, while you tend to yours.

That can look like you telling him that you need a little time away from the conversation and lets get back to it tonight, for instance. Then, do something else.

 You tend to jump in when he is dysregulated, and thats when the nasties come out. You did a great job of emotionally validating him when he got his job and you saw the results.

It would really help, I think, if you could post some verbatim 'he said/she said" conversations that didnt go well, and let us try to show some validating alternatives, or early exits.

I will say this stuff takes time to sink it. It really is simply a shift in our thinking and way we communicate, and you will get it..

Also, what about his drinking? I have to wonder how that will be addressed and I wonder if what you see is alcoholism instead of BPD?

Steph
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« Reply #49 on: April 10, 2012, 01:21:47 PM »

Hi everyone, and thank you for your input as always.

I see what you all are saying about the back and forth.  I guess that is my fault.  For the most part I try to maintain silence and walk away, but obviously that doesn't always happen.

There are literally NO discussions with H.  At least that's how it feels.  It's instant anger, no matter what I say most of the time.

I gave him a birthday card on Sunday that I made.  It says, Although I may not know how to say it or show it very well, I do appreciate everything that you do for us.  With all my respect, the one who still admires you, me.  The kids and I had made personalized ceramics and we gave him those and an ice cream maker.  He seemed happy and teared up a bit over the card.  "See what happens when you are nice to me?"  Between his surprise party the previous Sat and Easter Sunday he made several comments alluding to the fact that I had not done enough for his birthday.


My brother was also here for Easter.  H spend most of the day Sat. isolated from us, which allowed me to enjoy myself!  On Sunday, H opened up and spent time with all of us, and we actually had a nice day! 

I tried a bit more of the "So you feel...?" etc. type of validation yesterday, and it seemed to work again.  He would "Yes, I feel..." and I would nod in agreement or say I see how you could feel that way or something like that.

I give him credit for the way he said something to me yesterday.  He has been upset before about the "noise" I make in the morning getting ready for work interrupting his sleep.  Yesterday he said, "I actually got a good night's sleep for the first time ever until you woke me up.  Do you think you could set your clothes in the bathroom so you make less noise?  I mean you are really noisy!  I would hope that if I did that that you would have said something." 

In fact, when he did work, he did the same thing at around 430 every morning, and I would wait until he left after 5 and then get up myself.  I never complained, because I knew he had to get up and get ready for work.  That is what I told him yesterday (see previous sentence).

I AM irritated that he seems to be thinking about himself only and would rather complain that his sleep is being interrupted for  a few minutes than get up and DO something helpful or productive or just appreciate that I AM going to work to pay ALL of the bills and suck it up.  I have not voiced this to him.  I DO NOT make noise on purpose, and think I do a pretty good job of trying not to be too disruptive.  I put my clothes in the bathroom this morning.  I don't know what else I can do to accommodate.  It is killing me to not say, "Why are you being so selfish?"   

I could have complained that he's never gotten up in the morning and offered to make breakfast or help get S6 ready or anything, but I haven't. But if our roles were reversed, I KNOW he would! 

Oh, God, I've just complained for another page about H.  I am sorry.  I am seeing how some of this stuff works, so that is a plus.

I don't know how to address the drinking.  I don't think it's alcoholism alone without BPD although I understand the concept of "How can you tell?" 

Also, I am going to try to work on giving some examples of he said/she said conversations for suggestions, etc.

In other notes, last night I was asked to by a dump truck/snow plow.  I felt hounded about it.  He said I was going to get the other dumper thing for $2K, so why not this?  I said, why don't we wait until I've paid this huge debt and see what we have left to work with?  Finally, I agreed..."fine, if you can get if for $1500.  Not a penny more, or you will pay for it.  Don't forget about taxes, tags, special licenses, fuel, and other costs, too."  He says he can sell it for $5K, give me the $1500 back and split the profits.  I am skeptical, but we shall see.  The bottom line is this is irritating for me.  I actually said that last night.  When he is asking me for something like this, he will repeat my name over and over, reminiscent of "Mommy, mommy!" from a child.  I said, stop saying my name like that, it's really irritating me (for the first time ever). He started yelling about how I never want to support him, etc, and I said I said you can do it, why are you fighting about it?  And he stopped. 

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« Reply #50 on: April 10, 2012, 01:44:49 PM »

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Oh, God, I've just complained for another page about H.  I am sorry.  I am seeing how some of this stuff works, so that is a plus.

Yes, recognizing it is progress. Continuing to complain about things that aren't changing when there is no plan for changing them, though, is not progress. It does highlight something that you can work on entirely by yourself. Would you like to not be irritated by the behavior you described? What are other ways you could feel?

Quote
In other notes, last night I was asked to by a dump truck/snow plow.  I felt hounded about it.  He said I was going to get the other dumper thing for $2K, so why not this?  I said, why don't we wait until I've paid this huge debt and see what we have left to work with?  Finally, I agreed..."fine, if you can get if for $1500.

So even though you have priorities for the money you earn, you're willing to forego those priorities if he just keeps asking and makes a big enough pest of himself?

Does this also happen with the kids? "Mom, can I have the candy? Please! Please mom? Pleaseeeeeeeee! Mom mom mom mom!"

This also is something that you can work on entirely yourself, if it's something you consider to be a problem. Imagine how your life might change in all sorts of circumstances if when you said something decisive, that was the end of it. You teach people how to treat you.

If you did work on these two things--figuring out a better balance between action and complaining, and being firm and decisive when called for--you'd have some of the skills that might help you tackle the alcohol problem.
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« Reply #51 on: April 10, 2012, 01:51:11 PM »

JS,

Yes, I need to work on this!  It would be nice to feel like this is expected behavior that I know how to manage, rather than irritating behavior that I have to give in to.

I do see a pattern with myself giving in to HIS desires against my priorities and wishes in order to not have to DEAL WITH HIM as much.  But you will assuredly point out that it really is only making me have to deal with him MORE!   lol!  I see this!  A big step, I guess.

This also happens with the kids to some extent.  And H hates it when it does...says "Just take control!"  I find it funny that he uses the same thing about me to get what HE wants all of the time.  I feel like I am working on it, and having more success with the kids than with him, I think because I know I am supposed to be in a position of authority over them.

I do REALLY need help working on this.  I admit this problem.
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« Reply #52 on: April 10, 2012, 02:05:03 PM »

>>In fact, when he did work, he did the same thing at around 430 every morning, and I would wait until he left after 5 and then get up myself.  I never complained, because I knew he had to get up and get ready for work.  That is what I told him yesterday (see previous sentence).<<

 What would have happened if you had said " Sure, I will take the clothes into the bathroom if you think that would help"

Instead, I see the defend, explain,rationalize thing which is your part in keeping the crazy going.

If you are disruptive to him, then why not dress in another room? My H and I do this all the time, when one gets up ahead of the other. I think that he would appreciate being heard vs defending. ( this is the staying board, so this is why we talk about ways that we can do it better)

 Alcoholism or alcohol issues are addressed really well at Alanon.

I think you are truly angry at him. I think that stuff comes out sideways and it makes sense for you to deal with it, if, indeed, your intention is to make this marriage work.

Steph
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« Reply #53 on: April 10, 2012, 02:08:45 PM »

It's kinda cool to see the patterns of one's own actions and how they are part of dysfunctional dance. I'll defer to the advisors on this board for advice on how to approach this...the best tools, best articles. But I hope you find encouragement in seeing how much power you actually have to effect some change--change in how you interact with the world and the people around you.
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« Reply #54 on: April 10, 2012, 02:17:14 PM »

If I had said that I would have felt like I was giving in to another selfish request.  Would he have been happy to hear this reply?  Yes.  When he was doing the same thing I wasn't angry.  It only makes me angry that HE is complaining about me getting ready for work when he is not even working!  It makes me sad that I should just accommodate and accommodate and give and give.  I guess it hurts my feelings.  It hurts.  When I am getting ready for work this morning, trying to be better, it hurt...ie, makes me want to cry.  Why?  I guess it might be that I am angry.  Maybe I am just REALLY hurt.  Abuse hurts, you know.  And it's NOT stopping.  And it's MY fault, right?  Because I can't say or not say all the right things all the time.  Because I can't just accept that this is the way it is and find happiness within and without.

Again, I am realizing my role and trying to work on it, but it IS hard and hurtful.
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« Reply #55 on: April 10, 2012, 04:00:21 PM »

If I had said that I would have felt like I was giving in to another selfish request.  Would he have been happy to hear this reply?  Yes.  When he was doing the same thing I wasn't angry.  It only makes me angry that HE is complaining about me getting ready for work when he is not even working!  It makes me sad that I should just accommodate and accommodate and give and give.  I guess it hurts my feelings.  It hurts.  When I am getting ready for work this morning, trying to be better, it hurt...ie, makes me want to cry.  Why?  I guess it might be that I am angry.  Maybe I am just REALLY hurt.  Abuse hurts, you know.  And it's NOT stopping.  And it's MY fault, right?  Because I can't say or not say all the right things all the time.  Because I can't just accept that this is the way it is and find happiness within and without.

Again, I am realizing my role and trying to work on it, but it IS hard and hurtful.

Hi NWTG,

Its not 'fair'. No relationship is.  It's not about comparing what you do to what he does.  It's only about whether you are, or are not willing and able to accommodate your partner.

I've never seen a perfect 50/50 marriage ever.  Sometimes 40/60 works. Sometimes 20/80 works.  Doesn't matter the ratio, only matters whether it works for both of you.

This includes where you put on your clothes, how much money you make, who does which house chores, etc

I get that you feel it's unfair, and it hurts that you don't feel appreciated in all that you do.  But that's all within your own control - it's not doing anyone any favors to 'give in' to his requests but then resent him for it.

I can tell you ar deep onto processing it all.  Keep at it, you can make a difference.

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« Reply #56 on: April 10, 2012, 06:10:49 PM »

  When I landed here and started seeing my part, it hurt. Alot.

I felt anger, shame, it affected my career, in my mind ( psychiatric nurse). It was not easy or fun and I felt awful.

Yet, I had to forget about all of the insane stuff he did, the demands, the unfairness, the truly crazy behaviors and ONLY look at me. Forget why...I had to focus on me, and the whys and how I was feeling.

And I had to look at the facts.

I was angry

I was exhausted

I had this need to be right

I had this need to be strong

I had this need to be a martyr

I had this need to have him be the crazy one

because if he wasnt, maybe I was...

And I had this need to be in control

When that all came down on me, it was tough...

So, I hear ya, I do.

Keep going, tho. If you wana stay, it makes sense to keep plowing ahead.

 And ya know? It isnt a silly and selfish request to have your partner be quiet if you are sleeping. Even if he did it to you. There is nothing magical in that...nothing that says that if he does it to you and you dont complain, that he cannot ask the same of you, and can and will complain. He just is better at asking for those needs to be met. Thats not bad..why not try doing the same of him?

Hint: Codependancy

 

Steph
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« Reply #57 on: April 11, 2012, 05:33:33 AM »

When he was doing the same thing I wasn't angry.  

You weren't? Really?
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Have you read the Lessons?

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« Reply #58 on: April 13, 2012, 03:47:55 PM »

yes, really. 
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