What did your friends/family think of your ex?

[Think About It...]

Mine puts on a good show for people he knows he needs to impress (great manners, respectful, etc.) so it's easy to like him...  At first... or if you don't really know him well.  But as time went on, my close friends and family started to let me know of their concerns and eventual true hatred of him.

In front of them, he usually kept the mask solidly in place.  But the problem was, the longer we dated, the less they saw of him--and me!  As is typical in a BPD relationship, my ex made me feel guilty for spending time with anyone but him, so while I didn't mean to, I really let my other relationships slide.  Friends/family would ask where I have been and get upset with me for not visiting, answering calls, and staying in touch like I used to.

But most of the reason they didn't like him was because of the changes they saw in me as the r/s wore on.  I often heard that when they did see me, I looked tired, unhappy, anxious, on the brink of tears.  And they were right.  I tried to hide it, but by the end of the realtionship, I was miserable.  I couldn't meet his endless needs, he was taking over my life.  Friends and family knew it.  I also confided in a few friends about the way he would talk to me behind closed doors and the guilt trips, the clinginess, the lack of trust he had, everything.

By the end, they were spitting fire because they were concerned about how he was treating me and that I was staying around for it.  They recognized the red flags WELL before I did, but I didn't listen.  Funny enough, in person my ex was nothing but nice to my friends/family (even though he didn't like any of them).  They were pleasant with him too, but they hated him--not for how he acted toward them, but for what they could clearly see he was doing to me.

[redberry]

Mine puts on a good show for people he knows he needs to impress (great manners, respectful, etc.) so it's easy to like him...  At first... or if you don't really know him well.  But as time went on, my close friends and family started to let me know of their concerns and eventual true hatred of him.

In front of them, he usually kept the mask solidly in place.  But the problem was, the longer we dated, the less they saw of him--and me!  As is typical in a BPD relationship, my ex made me feel guilty for spending time with anyone but him, so while I didn't mean to, I really let my other relationships slide.  Friends/family would ask where I have been and get upset with me for not visiting, answering calls, and staying in touch like I used to.

But most of the reason they didn't like him was because of the changes they saw in me as the r/s wore on.  I often heard that when they did see me, I looked tired, unhappy, anxious, on the brink of tears.  And they were right.  I tried to hide it, but by the end of the realtionship, I was miserable.  I couldn't meet his endless needs, he was taking over my life.  Friends and family knew it.  I also confided in a few friends about the way he would talk to me behind closed doors and the guilt trips, the clinginess, the lack of trust he had, everything.

By the end, they were spitting fire because they were concerned about how he was treating me and that I was staying around for it.  They recognized the red flags WELL before I did, but I didn't listen.  Funny enough, in person my ex was nothing but nice to my friends/family (even though he didn't like any of them).  They were pleasant with him too, but they hated him--not for how he acted toward them, but for what they could clearly see he was doing to me.

[Sofie]

All of my friends - really, ALL of them - thought she was creepy, manipulative and couldn't understand my infatuation with her. A big huge 

My family kinda liked her...but well, it's not like they are exactly poster children for mental health themselves.

[jodie123]

Yes I have also had the same experience with my friends and family.  He was nice to them and became a bit more sociable the more he got to know them.  However we kept missing family birthday and games night dates and I had to keep making excuses as to what we had planned already although there was nothing.  He would always voice to my family that he thought my friends didn't like him and wouldn't talk to him but it was his social awkwardness.

The hints came when my mum started saying to me 'you know that you can come home any time you like' - out of the blue so I started thinking huh, do they know something, even though I wasn't telling them anything.  My friends also kept asking if I was happy and I kept saying yes but I was always having to put them off and book the odd visit around his plans.

My mum also shouted at him once for arguing with me over every little thing in front of them, like he always knew best and I was stupid.

Once I decided to leave though I started telling friends and family what was going on, I think because then I knew I couldn't change my mind and they would give me strength - then it all came out about how strange they thought he was, how he put me down in front of them and made fun of me etc etc.

Each and every single one of my friends and family have since admitted thinking things from they thought he was just a grumpy little man to actually hating him because of how he was with me.

[Sabine]

At first we didn't see much of my friends and none of my family b/c they live far away. I am VERY close with my family and didn't want to tell them about the abuse (rages) b/c I knew they would immediately disapprove of me being with him. I broke it off with him once before and he acted out in anger with emails and text messages and I told my mom about the relentless text messaging... My stepfather picked up the phone while I was telling my mom and literally forbade me to see him. They never even met him and I'm in my mid 40ties but they KNEW this was abusive behavior and they wanted to protect me.

We ended up getting back together and I had to give some story about how he just had a "melt down" and I tried to minimize his actions. I stayed another 4 months and this time when I broke it off, I told my folks that he was just 'boring' and we didn't have enough in common!

If you can't be honest with your own parents about how someone is treating you, then that's pretty darn scary and you better get out! 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[OneVoice]

My really close friends did not like him.  My casual friends liked him, thought he was cute and have now became really close friends with him and look at me as the crazy one.  Several friends have told me that we both describe two totally different relationships and they don't know who to believe, since it seems one of us is lying.  Ouch! That hurts!

My parents said he looked great on the outside, nice car, nice clothes, nice job, but my mom said his eyes shifted when she asked him questions and all his answers were very vague and she felt he did not have a lot of depth.  My dad said, "he's a snake.  I felt like he would con me."  I just wish they shared this information with me and not waited til the last moment.  Geesh!

[Gowest]

Mom (has NPD, hates me) liked him. My sister didn't like him. Neither my father nor my brother ever stated an opinion. I didn't have any friends.

[Marii]

It ran from mild to intense dislike. My one friend disliked him intensely. She still will not even mention his name after all of these years. I always felt that he said something really drastic that she won't share with me. I wonder if was about me since she won't say. If it was anything else, I think she would have said what it was. Like I said, she won't even engage in a conversation about him.

I was mesmerized and I there are still times I falter, but the reality is that he was pretty much a low life who was good at keeping up the mask. It was like he learned the facade of getting along with more respectable people, but underneath, he was still low life and he was periodically revealed. I think most people, the ones he wasn't trying to impress, saw through it and disliked him.

[Sofie]

My parents said he looked great on the outside, nice car, nice clothes, nice job, but my mom said his eyes shifted when she asked him questions and all his answers were very vague and she felt he did not have a lot of depth.  My dad said, "he's a snake.  I felt like he would con me."  I just wish they shared this information with me and not waited til the last moment.  Geesh!

Would you have listened, though?
I am perfectly sure that I would not have listened to anything anyone said about my ex - I was way too mesmerized and enmeshed for any words of reason or other perceptions than my own to get through to me.

[ellil]

My family hated him. Couldn't stand to listen to him (he talked nonstop). For some reason, I never introduced him to any of my friends, thank goodness. But, for this reason, I've never been able to discuss the breakup with anyone except one person at work, who has been very understanding, and this forum.

M

[SeekingInnerPeace]

My PDH is high-functioning.  I also believe he’s a sociopath, so that means he’s even more slick about slipping under the radar undetected.  Think Ted Bundy.  He is THAT good at wearing his mask of sanity/normalcy.  Any slips have been relatively low-key and infrequent, and most people who have witnessed them forget about them soon enough.

I’ve also discovered that the more time goes by, and the more deception that is taking place, the better PDH is at wearing his mask, even in front of me.  It only comes off when he feels cornered, like when I confront him about his ill treatment of me or start exposing his lies, which of course angers him.  PDH even routinely wears his mask in front of my teenage son, who lives here with us, though once upon a time, my teenage son was also PDH’s emotional punching bag at times (until I managed to put a stop to that).

So long as I “protect” PDH by not spilling the beans about what really goes down, family and friends are accepting of him.  A few even think he’s a “great guy”, I think b/c all they see is how he brings home his paycheck to support my son and I (I am not currently working).  They do not realize all the ways he fails to take care of us, all the ways he jeopardizes our safety and wellbeing, and all the ways he fails to protect us, when he’s busy going after what “he” wants in the moment.  They do not realize all the both large and small ways PDH primarily serves his own needs, without ever giving any thought to how what he says and does affects me, or anyone, for that matter.

Just as it was for me for a long time, it is easy for others to focus on the “good parts” of PDH, and forget about the “bad parts”.  Though I still protect PDH as far as my family (they all come here for all the holiday dinners, and I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable around PDH, which they would if they knew the truth), I have started spilling things to at least some of my friends.  My best friend now knows everything.  She hates PDH for what he’s done, and she told me that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to forgive him, even if one day I do.

And now everyone at my support group knows most of what he’s done too.  I needed to talk about what was going on to get it out, but I was doing so in a vague way, by referencing a “family member”, without saying who the family member was.  I was also speaking in generalities – “my family member has broken the law, and I don’t know what to do with the information.”  But in the past month, I broke down and told everyone that the “family member” is in fact my H.  I have also started being more specific as to what he’s done.

I am glad I stopped protecting him there.  I cannot tell you the huge outpouring of support they have given me.  Initially, I couldn’t bring myself to tell them the whole truth, b/c I did not want them to feel uncomfortable if they happened to cross paths with PDH (which does happen several times a year when we have social functions).  Part of it was also fearing judgement, even though one of our group guidelines is that we are not there to judge others.  Part of it was embarrassment.

I am embarrassed about his behavior.  I am embarrassed that I am married to a thief, a cheater, and a pathological liar.  I am embarrassed that I honestly believed everyone was inherently good, so therefore, everyone was capable of positive change.

Not only has PDH fooled my family and my friends, PDH also managed to fool me for a while.  He just can’t fool me any longer.

[Time for a change]

Lot of my friends told me that she was no good and that I would get hurt. Told me I was too nice and deserve someone better, but they told me that if I was happy then they would be happy for me.

One of my close friends (who she is 'friends' with) told me after we split that they don't invite her out much because they can only take her in small doses not for a great length of time!

My brother truly hated her and could tell she was using me. I have a really strong bond with my brother even if I live far away. She couldn't stand that. But he would accept her if I was going out with her. She used to lie about him and say that he would send nasty texts to her. I asked him if It was true and that I wouldn't be mad and he said it wasn't. I know who I would rather trust. It seemed like if I was close to friends or family (I love spending time with my friends) she would try to put a wedge between us, she couldn't stand not being centre of attention.   

[redberry]

So helpful to read these great posts.  Isn't it interesting that others can see it so clearly, yet because we are in the middle of it, we can't see it for what it is.  As others have said, the gaslighting that comes from being around crazy too long is really a powerful force.

[Zaza42]

Yes! Okay my Dad hated him when he first met BPD. BPD says something about hitting his dog after he latched on to his arm. Mom didn't say anything. Parents didn't want to lose me to the abusive relationship so they never said anything. Dad did once say though in the elevator, I remember it very clearly," if this person treated you the way he treats you now, would you go on another 'first date' with him?'" after I broke up with crazy, my friends were always saying," why? He was so nice!" little did they know...

 after being stalked in my new relocation town by mr.obsessive, I ditched him because he rammed a shopping cart into the back of my heels. My parents gave him A ride home and he proceeded to scream and yell about how I was - get this- a whore sleeping around with random guys ( I had a short companionship relationship between the recycling) and doing drugs! Drugs? Well my parents terrified of this kid gave him a hug and said they would get me into rehab- go mom and dad. And then came back to me telling me how terrified they were for my safety and how delusion this guy is. After I asked BPD how he could say those things about me he swore they were true. Oh lord.

[juner]

Years ago my sister dated a man who has BPD - according to an ex he had married after doing much emotional damage to my sister. This ex I guess was seeking validation, but all my sister could tell her for certain is that he lies (there was way more to it, but it took years for her to process). This exchange was way back in the '90s, when it wasn't on the radar, so she never investigated the possibility or what it means: dig deep inside yourself for the answers. I really wish they had these boards back then to help her heal.

After their first date she came home gushing about his many talents and attributes and listed them. It was as if she fell in love instantly. Wow he makes guitars (yeah right). I remember thinking, sounds like he just talked about himself the whole night. I was not impressed. But most people don't want to interfere, me included.

My partner and I caught him in a couple of stupid lies, elaboratedly spun. But we figured he was just an *ss and it was none of our business to say anything.

I heard about the crazy stuff only after they broke up. During the ugly year-long breakup period when they were on-off, he kept our entire family engaged at Christmas with a long boring and elaborate story I learned later was totally fabricated. He told my sister the same story earlier as a cover for his cheating. Why did he have to take advantage of our goodwill and patience? I lost all respect for him after that.

[findingmyselfagain]

She and my friends seemed to get along with her. We were the poster borderline honeymoon couple. Even her brother (who "understood her") thought we were great for each other. But after it was over, one of my good friends said she was VERY insecure and said things that concerned him. Lesson: Extreme insecurity should be a bigger red flag for me. My nature is too caring and wanting to comfort/encourage antoher. Another friend told me she seemed "nervous" and "hurt." My brother said maybe I could find someone who was more of a people person. Her friends told her we seemed very happy together and that I was a nice guy. She said it takes more than nice to make a marriage, and I disagree. If you can't be in a kind/respectful relationship, then you should find someone else.

[notalittleteapot]

One of my good friends said "she's not good enough for you" early on.

The other one got in a fight with her early on because the ex was saying things that were not making any sense. I thanked my friend later on for calling her out. That should have been a   ...

After we were together for a while everyone just kind of accepted her, even though she was hard to deal with. Everyone knew she was hard to deal with. But I'd chosen her, so they didn't bother me about it.

[SeekingInnerPeace]

Sidebar here, aka hi-jacking!  Ah, yes, “extreme insecurity”, as mentioned by FindingMyselfAgain.  That’s my PDH, except he fluctuates between that and an inflated, self-righteous, grandiose, superior, arrogant attitude about himself.  He uses whatever ploy best serves his own needs in any given moment.

For the first few years, he came off as confident.  I did not see any signs of insecurity, other than when we were socializing with others in larger groups.  I just thought he was extremely shy and that it was a form of social anxiety.  In hindsight, it was his anger showing, though well-disguised.  He was envious of my ability to socialize in larger groups, b/c this was an area of difficulty for him, which yes, produced anxiety, but it also produced a high level of agitation.  Sometimes he did not seem anxious, only angry, irritable, and P.O.’d.  But I also know that anxiety can manifest as all those things too.  It can be hard to differentiate, but now I usually can, b/c I am able to pick up on his vibes, after knowing him for 5+ years.

But otherwise, he seemed “confident”, in most situations.  I couldn’t come to terms with these 2 polar opposites of behavior, esp. b/c there were times when he would not appear to be anxious or agitated, despite being in a larger group.  In hindsight, those times were when I was isolating with him, despite being in a room full of other people I knew.  If I was withdrawn from the group along with him, this seemed to give him power, b/c he would then in fact start flirting with the other women there, as well as come out of his shell in other ways.

It was as if it was some sort of competition.  If I was being social, he couldn’t be social at all.  If I was not being social (b/c I had allowed myself to come down to his level, which is where he wanted me), he would be social (which seemed to give him great satisfaction when I wasn’t), and often completely ignore me in the process.  I never ignored him when I was being social.  I always tried to bring him into the conversation.  I would periodically look at him and touch him while I was talking.  These are things he would never do with me, when he was being social.  It’s almost as if he was upon a stage “performing”, and he couldn’t see into the audience b/c of all the stage lights, if that makes any sense.  I became invisible to him, b/c he was blinded by all the attention he perceived he was getting by being social.  Even when I too tried to give him attention, he did all he could to shut that out, as if I was interfering with his performance.

I did not learn of his extreme insecurity, his depression, or his thoughts of suicide until about 3 years in.  Prior to that, he masked all that fairly well.  I really had no idea.  All those things seemed to come out when all else failed with me, b/c it seemed he was using them as a pity ploy.  So did they always exist, or were they only made up in an effort to gain sympathy and empathy?  I really don’t know what to think or what to believe any longer.  I cannot always tell what are lies and illusions, and what is real.  That’s what happens when someone lies to you too often and desperately tries to cover up who they really are most of the time.  When you might happen to catch a glimpse of who they really are, you aren’t always quite sure that’s for real, either.

I have learned it’s best to mostly go by his actions and behaviors, as well as by the vibes I pick up, not by the words coming out of his mouth.

[gettingoverit]

My family never really said anything about my ex until after the fact. They just wanted to see me happy. I remember once my mom had come for a visit for a few days when out of the blue she asked me if I was happy. I didn't know what to say to that question..."no not exactly, but we have been going through a rough couple of months". Mom's are smart, they know. Most of my friends were pretty quiet, some told me my ex was being a crazy b*tch, and that I deserve to be treated better (they were right), but it wasn't until after our split when my best friend said to me that it got very difficult for them to watch me go through hell every spring with that woman, and " It was hard watching you disappear into a shell of who you used to be". Isn't that the truth? Good friends will always tell you the truth.

[redberry]

"Are you happy?". Such a simple, yet incredibly revealing question.  For the majority of my relationship, especially at the end, I would have to answer no.  I was not happy.  Others knew it, too.  Especially friends and close family members.  They know me...  And they know when I'm not being me.  And I wasn't being me, still not quite me again yet.  Getting much closer, though!

seekinginnerpeace, I had goose pimples when I read your post!  In social settings, I have been through exactly what you described.  I never really knew how to put it into words and it is very subtle, so much so that others probably don't even notice, but I did.

Like your ex, mine did not prefer social settings where he did not know a lot of people.  I really think he doesn't like social settings period.  But when he had to be sociable, he would come off either as overly confident or quiet with little in between.  Of course I think a lot of this had to do with how much he had to drink.  But it was the same kind of black and white (where have I heard that before? ...) responses.  And I never really knew which one I was going to get.

I can completely identify with the competiton aspect.  If I talked a lot, he would kind of sit there and be quiet, almost like he was annoyed with me for not focusing on him and for gaining the attention.  If I was kind of quiet, he had somebody else picked out that he would focus all of his attention on.  Very hidden, not noticeable unless you knew him well, but that strange quirk was always there.  He would talk to the other people around us and completely ignore me, not bringing me in the conversation.  If his eyes scanned the group and locked eyes with others around us, he would look over me completely like I wasn't even there and lock eyes with the next person after me (or like he was looking through me at an audience as you mentioned).  I never understood why he did this.  If I tried to engage in the conversation, he sort of ignored me or continued to focus on the others there.  Performance is probably a good way to describe it.  If I "took over" the conversation, he would kind of revert back to quiet mode and not really participate, almost in an annoyed fashion.  I really think he saw it as a competition of sorts--not with others, but with me.  Competing for our friends' attention.

And the mask you speak of, I know all too well.  I never knew what he was thinking because he appeared emotionless, stoic.  I started desperately tuning in to his subtle facial and body movements to try to get a feel for what was going on inside of his head.  Trying as hard as I could to detect his smallest seismic trembles to figure out if it was just going to be a rainy day or a rainy day with an earthquake...  It was exhausting, and unhealthy!

[SWLSR]

I wrote this on an earlier thread about them want to be friends

What an ex BPD really wants when they want to be "friends"

1. Our mutual friends think I screwed you over and want nothing to do with me.  I need to show them you and I are friends in order for them to talk to me again
2. Your replacement is not working out and I need to use you to make him/her jelous
3. Your repaclement dumped me and I need you to fill the void.
4. I am broke and I need to borrow money from someone who wont make me pay it back.
5. It has come to my attention you are seeing somebody and I can not have that, I need to get close to you to run this person off, I can't have you doing that.
6. I really messed up letting you go and I dont want to admit it.
7. My car is in the shop and no one else will let me borrow theirs.
8. You have a possession I want and I need to use you to get it.
9. I am really bored right now and you used to fill my boredom do it again
10. I want to go out tonight can you be my babysitter for free of course.