Radical acceptance means not hoping

[Think About It...]

I just want to share some thoughts to get some feedback.

I have been searching inside myself quite a bit, and I realized that hope is not useful. Not only my BPDw will not get better unless she is working actively towards recovery, but whether I stay or I leave, there is no point "hoping" that my BPDw will be better, even if she is seeing a T regularly.

Radical acceptance, I think, means to live day by day. It does not mean to have no plans and not working towards making those plans happen, but it means that whether it is a good or tough day, that day is not indication as how tomorrow will be. Hence, hope is not useful.

If after many, many days my BPDw continues to show signs of being better, the key is to take as a fact, not as a sign of future chnage, which is far from guaranteed.

I find that hope is making me waiting for "something" that may never come, and it is certainly a good way to create unmet expectations.

In the end, if I stay it is because I have some objectives of my own to achieve (like be there for the kids everyday, no matter what), not because I hope things will eventually get better. They may get better, but it is outside my control, so I should not worry about it.

[Eric367]

I just want to share some thoughts to get some feedback.

I have been searching inside myself quite a bit, and I realized that hope is not useful. Not only my BPDw will not get better unless she is working actively towards recovery, but whether I stay or I leave, there is no point "hoping" that my BPDw will be better, even if she is seeing a T regularly.

Radical acceptance, I think, means to live day by day. It does not mean to have no plans and not working towards making those plans happen, but it means that whether it is a good or tough day, that day is not indication as how tomorrow will be. Hence, hope is not useful.

If after many, many days my BPDw continues to show signs of being better, the key is to take as a fact, not as a sign of future chnage, which is far from guaranteed.

I find that hope is making me waiting for "something" that may never come, and it is certainly a good way to create unmet expectations.

In the end, if I stay it is because I have some objectives of my own to achieve (like be there for the kids everyday, no matter what), not because I hope things will eventually get better. They may get better, but it is outside my control, so I should not worry about it.

[Callmemark]

I really agree. For me, it was placing my hope is things that were attainable. The dynamic, the push and pull, the fire and ice cycle will never get better. Life goals must be attainable and stability in this kind of relationship is not. The value if one can find it is putting hope in yourself: self care and personal interests. This will lead your SO to call you selfish to which the best reply is, "thank you".

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[Eric367]

Thanks Mark for your comments.

I like that way of looking at it: hope for myself. We can only hope for things we have some power over.

I can prevent the relationship to get worse by changing my behavior and attitude, and by using various techniques to diffuse conflicts, including emotional detachment. But beyond that, I have no power to make the relationship better because it takes two to tango. Maybe we should add an "H" to the FOG acronym because "hope for the relationship" is very much part of the FOG.

[Clearmind]

Eric367, yes you are right - hope does not make everything all better ~ acceptance that your SO is ill will help you understand that accusations and blame and whatever else is occuring in your world right now is not your fault.

You can help to make it better! Have you had a chance to look at the Decision Making Guidelines at the top of this board?

[mssalty]

An interesting thought that crossed my mind a few days ago when my SP gave me an indication to be hopeful.  The hope made me feel good inside, then the realization that it's the same hope that made me feel good inside before, only to have it dashed when the realization set in that the comments made today by my SP had no bearing on the future. 

[esmcgreer]

Ugh.  I know what you mean.  It is hard to accept that things may never change.  It helps me when I accept the fact that my BPDh may never change because it frees me to stop waiting and expecting and get on with doing what makes me happy.  I used to put my happiness on hold every time he got angry and wait for him to come around before I had permission to breathe again and be happy.  So exhausting. I don't put all of my eggs in his basket anymore.  When you accept the person for what they are you can stop being crushed everytime they hurt you or break your trust.  NOw that I know what my relationship will never be, I can find other ways to meet my emotional needs and be happy with what the relationship can offer me.  I appreciate the little things my husband and I can share much more than I did when I was focused on all that was lacking. 

[lastwave]

Eric367, yes you are right - hope does not make everything all better ~ acceptance that your SO is ill will help you understand that accusations and blame and whatever else is occuring in your world right now is not your fault.

   There is IMHO another level of acceptance and that is acceptance of my self. Acceptance of self includes whether or not I am co-dependent, a people pleaser, or someone who also has, for whatever reason, a fear of abandonment. I need to become aware of the fact that if I stay the situation may never get any more stable than it is at this time.

[Clearmind]

Lastwave, I completely agree with you . There are some steps that need to occur and the first one is to stop the conflict cycle. Recognising that our SO's are emotionally ill is critical. Learning to not take the projections personally is also critical - the only way we can do this is to recognise that we live in our FOG which really has nothing to do with our SO's.

Work on your FOG and you work on your relationship!

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

[lastwave]

 Thanks Clearmind

Learning to not take the projections personally is also critical - the only way we can do this is to recognise that we live in our FOG which really has nothing to do with our SO's.
Work on your FOG and you work on your relationship!

At the beginning of this friendship I had hopes that it would become something more. But now I know that this will never be the romantic relationship I had hoped for in the beginning. Generally I am okay with that, but every once-in-awhile something comes up and I feel an emptiness--a longing, why can't it be me--kind of thing, especially when she is asking for my advice about a man she is going out to dinner with...

I understand the FEAR, OBLIGATION, & GUILT and have done pretty well with F & G but I still feel like being her friend.

[lastwave]

   FOG

FEAR  --> of being alone, abandoned, of not being needed

OBLIGATED  --> to take care of their needs, to help, to teach them

GUILT  --> ? don't know about this one yet...

Radical acceptance is accepting my character defects...(sigh)

[Eric367]

I did not realized that more comments were added later on. Thank you all.

I came to accept that my part in the problem (co-dependency) was very much fed by hope.

Hoping really means that through my own efforts I am getting better, irrespective of what happens with my SO and the relationship. This is for me an important step in coming out of co-dependency.

I also agree that accepting that my SO has BPD as a fact, rather than as a fatality, is also helping to put an end co-dependency. She may or may not get better, even if she is seeing a good T, but this is completely outside my control. I can create conditions that may help by reducing conflicts, and by being no more co-dependent, but I cannot do the work for her.

I came also to the conclusion that my decision about staying or leaving cannot be contingent on hope about the my SO and the relationship, and ultimately when I will be no more co-dependent, only then can I make an enlightened decision and have the strength to live with it. And I realized that it can still go either way.

[Clearmind]

   FOG

FEAR  --> of being alone, abandoned, of not being needed

OBLIGATED  --> to take care of their needs, to help, to teach them

GUILT  --> ? don't know about this one yet...

Radical acceptance is accepting my character defects...(sigh)

Lastwave it would be good to look at the Guilt factor and ask yourself what you feel guilty about. For me I felt extreme guilt that I had to walk away from my relationship and walk away from my partner. I felt guilty that I had failed miserably in being able to fix/help my SO. I had left him on the church steps stranded.

What I realize now is that I cannot save another human being I had to learn how to save myself. I had much work to do on me, as we all do.

I did not realized that more comments were added later on. Thank you all.

I came to accept that my part in the problem (co-dependency) was very much fed by hope.

Hoping really means that through my own efforts I am getting better, irrespective of what happens with my SO and the relationship. This is for me an important step in coming out of co-dependency.

I also agree that accepting that my SO has BPD as a fact, rather than as a fatality, is also helping to put an end co-dependency. She may or may not get better, even if she is seeing a good T, but this is completely outside my control. I can create conditions that may help by reducing conflicts, and by being no more co-dependent, but I cannot do the work for her.

I came also to the conclusion that my decision about staying or leaving cannot be contingent on hope about the my SO and the relationship, and ultimately when I will be no more co-dependent, only then can I make an enlightened decision and have the strength to live with it. And I realized that it can still go either way.

   Eric367. Accepting our SO's are ill is a major step. If we continue to take it all personally conflict ramps up because we are wanting to defend and explain ourselves. Instead we need to take a step back and look inward as to why we react rather than respond ~ co-dependency or enmeshment makes it hard for us to look within at our own issues.

In Choosing a Path we really need to also look at our role, how that translate into the relationship and not concentrate so much on our SO's but rather the relationship dynamic as a whole.

Reacting vs. responding--what's the difference?