What sex means to those in a BPD relationship

[Think About It...]

I still don't see the point of this thread.

Anyone here posting in this tread a psychiatrist/psychologist/LCSW?

I also don't seem to see any of the supposed "nons" here who stopped their supposed PD partner's
superhuman skills. Anyone?

Of course you didn't. You were as into it as he/she was or you'd have walked.

If you're going to question someone's behavior, it's always helpful to question your own.

Just because you're heartbroken over a relationship doesn't mean everything your supposed
PDex did was symptomatic of a disorder.

[OneTrickPony]

I still don't see the point of this thread.

Anyone here posting in this tread a psychiatrist/psychologist/LCSW?

I also don't seem to see any of the supposed "nons" here who stopped their supposed PD partner's
superhuman skills. Anyone?

Of course you didn't. You were as into it as he/she was or you'd have walked.

If you're going to question someone's behavior, it's always helpful to question your own.

Just because you're heartbroken over a relationship doesn't mean everything your supposed
PDex did was symptomatic of a disorder.

[aurora.dragon]

Very interesting!  Oral fixation.
My expwBPDbf smoked, binge ate and had weight issues, was an amazing kisser and an absolute god with oral.  He loved doing it and I surely never said no!  And could control my body like an marionette - bring me to peak and stop and bring close again and stop - did this several times - until he would give me a devilish grin and then let me finish... Sigh..
It was interesting as he suffered from Erectile Dysfunction at the beginning of our relationship - I just enjoyed the oral and would give back and let him do what he wanted.  He relaxed and the problem disappeared and we enjoyed intercourse, however, I then discovered he had delayed ejaculation.  Again, no pressure, and I never said anything negative.  He was upset that he couldn't have a happy ending and didn't want me to think it was me.  Having studied physiology and human sexuality - I knew it wasn't my fault and knew it was due to an emotional issue within him and I knew he was sensitive about it so I never made it a big deal - I just let him know how much I enjoyed him and made sure he had a good time too.  He was great as he was always ramped up and ready to go and I adored him and we would spend all weekend in bed.  He started getting really close. I knew he was into porn and masterbation and he said he had orgasms by himself, but said he would stop so he could desensitize himself to orgasm with me.  Sadly, he blacked me out 5 weeks ago...I miss him

[Mauser]

I usually don't open up this much on a thread, so I'll try to keep this as tame as possible.

Yes, my dBPDexh was a phenomenal lover. I had no idea lovemaking could be that fabulous. But I certainly never saw it as manipulation. It was something synergistic between us- we may have had our problems, but DAYUM THAT part of our r/s was off the charts.

However, in reading some of the posts, a lot of the behaviors mentioned seem pretty 'normal'. I certainly have no issues with oral. I enjoy giving my man satisfaction, and I just plain old enjoy  doing it. And you know what? I hope my partner enjoys it. That's kind of the goal, right? I usually don't go into this thinking, "I'm going to perform this act, and I hope I'm freaking MEDIOCRE!"

[PDQuick]

Daybreak, I understand your thought process, and what you are trying to conclude here. The way you are asking it though, will lead you to results that aren't conclusive scientifically, and will just lead you to further believe in your own thoughts, thinking you had scientific proof.


Lets look at the evidence here. This thread has been active for 2 days now. You, personally started it, and have 6 of your own posts in this thread. There have been 23 replies. That means that others have replied 17 times. It looks like there are 11 unique posters in the thread. Some of these 11 are not agreeing with your perception, rather, are posting back to you to explain the phenomenon that you are experiencing. So lets say that 5 of these posters here are agreeing.

5 agreeing out of 427 reads.

5 agreeing out of a posting population numbering in the thousands.

I could easily walk into a room full of construction workers, and ask "Who has a girlfriend, or a wife, who has green eyes, red hair, and is under 5' 4". I bet I get a few that fit the bill.

You are looking for validation in your thoughts, and that can be dangerous in certain aspects. Validation is good, when the thoughts being validated are good.

If I polled this message board about how many people were physically abused more than once, I would get many hundreds of victim statements about how they did nothing wrong and were continually abused.

If I polled the message board, and asked How many people still stayed, after the first time they were abused, and continued to accept the abuse, I would have a very self evaluating discussion about why we continued to stay in a situation that we knew we were allowing ourselves to be abused. This would help us understand why we devalued ourselves to the point of accepting abuse over self preservation.

The later has a healing and learning platform, the first has a co-misery feel to it, which will just drive us further into our own victimization.

Maybe you should be asking yourself why you valued sex over the treatment you received, or the pain you endured to hold on to that "mind blowing sexual dynamic". This would lead you to introspection where the answer is, rather than in a group where you share the same character traits.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[GreenMango]

I also don't seem to see any of the supposed "nons" here who stopped their supposed PD partner's superhuman skills. Anyone?

Of course you didn't. You were as into it as he/she was or you'd have walked.

If you're going to question someone's behavior, it's always helpful to question your own.

Quote Freud, speculate about why your SO was so into sex may not be helpful. A combination of impulsiveness, being boundary-less may have had something to do with it. Sex is used to serve and your SO can't exist without attention and it bolsters her failing ego - its actually a very sad way to live - maybe have a think about how you contributed to this servitude?

I agree with OneTrickPony/Clearmind here and ask if you believe the following: 

1. BPD = Incredible sex or an oral fixation
2. BPD = Sex without boundaries
3. Sexual Intensity = Intimacy = Love
4. Sexual Intensity = Real Connection = Soulmates
5. Sexual Intensity + BPD = Sexual Perversion
6. Sexual Intensity alone = Healthy Relationship
7. Great sex = Crazy

None of these are rules and ironically seem to be some common misconceptions. And pretty black and white if you look at it.


Why when it was so good, yet was a red flag, why we didn't stop it?  Was it selfishness?  Or maybe it wasn't a redflag then but in our loss maybe we let the resentment and anger mask our true pain allowing us to "rundown" something about a person we once really enjoyed and to pervert or apply shame to something that really isn't perverted or shameful?

Why is it an issue only after we have lost this person that it becomes a problem?  Does it validate us and our worth to take one of the most private parts of relationship and to cast a the shadow of mental illness on it?

If we knew our partner had/has some sexual issues and vulnerabilities what does it say about us that we allowed it to happen as long as it worked for us knowing that it might have spoken to something larger?  What does this topic say about us?

[mscj]

This is a very sensitive topic.  I understand that.

Is it possible that some triggers are happening here?

Is there a way to see that each person is coming at this with there own point of view and own needs?

I think that it is safe to say that it is okay to have different opinions and I hope we can find a way to come back to a respectful stance with each other. 

We are here to help each other.

 

[Patty]

Hi guys

Just a reminder about the guidelines for discussions, to welcome diversity and not debating others' points of view.

Format: FORUM is a collegial venue characterized by or having "authority" vested equally among colleagues/peers. Colleagues/peers in "collegial harmony" present as equals and the credibility of their positions is based solely on the quality of the position they advance in writing. Diversity is the objective

Forum is different than debate. Debate is an argument or a discussion generally ending with a vote or best decision. In debate, unity is the objective. At Facing the Facts members are discouraged from debating - arguing against others' positions, questioning the wisdom of others, or restating of their position repeatedly.

Thanks guys

Best wishes

Patty

[tailspin]

Hi everyone!

I experienced something quite different with expwBPD; he definitely objectified me and often no eye contact was made whatsoever and I was almost always positioned facing away from him.  He would often mention how he struggled to maintain control (even) during sex, which confirms to me now about how the lack of intimacy permeated every aspect of our "relationship." There was never a desire to "please me" and even sex was all about him which leads me to believe he was heavily narcissistic.  He would get up quickly to, I guess, remove the evidence on me and, well, you get the picture.

Looking back on it is absolutely humiliating.  I am mortified that I could ever think this was ok.  My needs were never important and whenever I tried to discuss my needs the conversation would be turned and become all about him again; my words would be twisted and interpreted as insulting.  Eventually I just stopped trying to talk about it. 

I think shame is the last smudge on my soul that I'm having a problem washing away.

[daybreak]

Friends,
This thread was not meant to be a professional survey to be presented to the American Psychiatric Association for publication.  It was just a topic for discussion that I thought may have some relevance.  I think the thread is perfectly legitimate within the context of education and information regarding the insidious, destructive condition of BPD  that reeks so much pain on so many.
Researchers already know that hyper-sexuality is a prevalent feature of many people with BPD; meaning in part that their sexuality is skewed from the normal person.  Further it is a known fact that relationship problems are a hallmark feature of people with BPD.  That does not mean that certain "Nons" do not also have certain issues with sexuality and relationships as well...therefore you have to keep things in perspective when discussing any of these very sensitive issues.

BPD is being studied and researched by certain Universities on a regular basis.  It is very complex and no one has all the answers...and may never have.  Having said that, these boards are a tremendous asset to us all...people who's lives have been drastically affected and altered forever by a BPD relationship.  Thus far I've not seen any comments that were inappropriate or too graphic.

It is ridiculous to think any specific conclusions could be drawn from this thread that is very limited in scope; However, from the comments I have seen on my personal messages as well as those posted, I'm not the only one that has wondered about this topic...I very much appreciate all the comments, even those that "don't see the point."

[SuperWaz]

Reading through everyone's posts left me feeling saddened.  My BPDSO told me she didn't like to do things like oral sex. Quite frankly she told me she didn't like anything porn-like.

The reality was a string of men behind my back, each of them getting the porn star experience, going to extremes to make it more exciting each time.

The same applied to her porn addiction which has recently come to light.  It's out of control.

The question I would really love the answer to is, "why not me?".  She knew I was willing to do anything for her sexually, so why shut me out and give it all to another man (she was cheating with one man for the whole 6 years we were together and started after 2 weeks of our relationship - he got everything I wanted).

Would love some opinions since its always on my mind. 

[freshlySane]

I am my experience my exBPD loved to ask me about my ex's where they better where they pretty did i climax with them. and she loved to compare her to them. She use to text me call me and tell me all these sexual things she even use to do things at my work. I was intoxicated with her. in her mind she felt she was showing me appreciation with sex and vice versa she felt i desired her when we had sex. When we were trying to make a baby she said she loved the process because i love her enough to want to make a life with her that i loved her so much that i wanted to be connected to her forever. now this made me feel loved but it wasn't about me it was about her she loved that i loved her. later she changed and when she painted me black she was disgusted with me i was in shock if you could read our conversations and listen to our voice calls you'd never think shed be disgusted.

[stadtmiller]

Superwaz, I have heard that sex for BPD person is not an act of intimacy. They prefer casual objectified sex with people they have no intimate connection with. This is why they frequently reject their significants and turn to porn and more casual situations, which allows them to have the sex without the intimacy. Remember, its the intimacy that triggers them into dysregulation.

[Dave44]

Could someone please post a link to this "flags" thread? I can't se to find it and would really like to have a look. Thanks in advance.

[SuperWaz]

Superwaz, I have heard that sex for BPD person is not an act of intimacy. They prefer casual objectified sex with people they have no intimate connection with. This is why they frequently reject their significants and turn to porn and more casual situations, which allows them to have the sex without the intimacy. Remember, its the intimacy that triggers them into dysregulation.

Thanks stadtmiller.  The thing that bothers me most is that while she had porn style sex with another guy for the whole time we were together, she also showered him with "I love you"s and he was on her mind from the moment she woke to the moment she went to sleep.

I'm getting a good understanding of why this might be, but the fact that, on the surface at least, she appeared to want someone else so much and me so little is something that I just can't seem to deal with.  I will always question if I am the person she really wants, despite her telling me otherwise 200 times a day.  I never was enough back when we were together, how could I possibly be enough now I can't give her the same unless I am fully over the things she has done?

[Joseph54]

My BPD wife is also very good at making me feel good. She loves giving oral and is the best I have ever experienced. She is very beautiful, intelligent, financially well off and from a very good family.

It appears to me that she uses it to avoid abandonment and relieve her insecurities about her self worth. She may also use it to try to control but I have found she try's to destroy relationships that I had developed with friends and family to try to control me.

Sex was and still is one of the greatest bonds in our relationship. We do not any conflict in our sex lives. She seems to be open to anything that please me sexually.

Joe    

[tryin2moveOn]

this thread has me thinking and reflecting. mind you, i've recently discovered that my uexBPDbf was actually married the entire three years we were together (he made up grand lies to convince me he was separated and working towards a divorce). so essentially i was also the other woman.

that being said, sex was always awesome. from day one. intense sexual attraction. i loved how he made me feel. i always wanted to please him, bc i knew he wanted to please me too. we would stay in bed for days. he was very intimate. looked directly at me, told me he loved me, called me by my name numerous times. even said my name during O's.

he told me sex with his wife was awful. that he felt bad about himself each time. that he felt empty.

he lied about so much...   so who knows?

[cookiecrumbled]

I am female and heterosexual.

Unfortunately, this was not the case with my bfwBPB. .  We had an out of this world amazing sex life - but there was no obsession with one thing or another.

Damn, I miss him so much.

Cookie

[stadtmiller]

this thread has me thinking and reflecting. mind you, i've recently discovered that my uexBPDbf was actually married the entire three years we were together (he made up grand lies to convince me he was separated and working towards a divorce). so essentially i was also the other woman.

that being said, sex was always awesome. from day one. intense sexual attraction. i loved how he made me feel. i always wanted to please him, bc i knew he wanted to please me too. we would stay in bed for days. he was very intimate. looked directly at me, told me he loved me, called me by my name numerous times. even said my name during O's.

he told me sex with his wife was awful. that he felt bad about himself each time. that he felt empty.

he lied about so much...   so who knows?

My exBPDbf was that way too. But it only lasted through idealization, about 6 months.

[FindingMe2011]

   I think the thread is perfectly legitimate within the context of education and information regarding the insidious, destructive condition of BPD  that reeks so much pain on so many. 

Pain that these "so many" people, took on willingly. The stance you are presenting shows justification, anger, blame, all wrapped up in the victim position. A lot of places to become stuck at.

What did sex mean to you before BPD r/s?
What did sex mean to you during the r/s?
What does sex mean to you today?

...   change the word sex, with love. Start some threads with this...   The fact that I could mistake intensity, for intimacy, goes a little deeper than getting a great hummer. In the end, it was just another excuse for my behavior

   I'm not the only one that has wondered about this topic...   I very much appreciate all the comments, even those that "don't see the point."   

Not the first, nor the last. The tying in, with the Freud literature, I found interesting. i would just have to ask, how dissecting the illness this far, is going to help you gain emotional maturity? This is the point...   I wish you well, PEACE

[Mauser]

I know I posted a year ago, but this time I'll be a bit more forward.

I won't argue that some pwBPD are hypersexual.
I won't argue that they tend to be amazing in bed.
I won't argue that intimacy triggers them.
I won't argue that they sometimes have impulsive or reckless behavior.

However, what I'm a bit surprised at is - excuse the pun - all the "fixation" on oral. Really, oral sex really seems pretty dang vanilla. That doesn't even qualify as kinky or some bizarre fetish.

I'm reading this thread and it seems that some see healthy sex as being somehow dysfunctional. I don't think there's anything wrong with oral, I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying sex, and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting one's partner to enjoy sex. I'm reading here some people slam their ex because it was all about their own pleasure, and others slam their ex because they were ONLY doing it to please their partner, hook them in, and gain ultimate control.

Your own comfort levels are your own. Some have more traditional ideas of sex. That's okay. I just don't see how most of the things brought up are abnormal, or indicative of a mental illness.  If they are, I better tame down my repertoire.