She wants to give me back my paintbrushes - what do I do?

[Think About It...]

I'm in NC and I haven't talked or seen her in a month now. I am so proud of myself. However, I did get some text messages from her that didn't require answering to and so I ignored.

She has texted me now asking if I want my paint brushes back. Guhh.. it's such a simple question and I don't know what to answer. I actually DO want my paints and brushes back.

Last Friday she saw me on a date at a restaurant and she said hi. It was very awkward as she was sitting next to us but then she moved to another table. Then on Monday she liked one of my pictures on an iphone app (Instagram) of a wall with heart painted on it.

I don't want to tell her about my dates, I don't want to hear about her boy friends. It all will hurt. I haven't had closure either. Meaning, there was no talk of us not being together even. She just wanted out and I asked her to not date others and she did. What more is there?

Should I tell her to leave them in the building's main door? There's a space where she could leave them. She also has a valuable DVD that I really want back! It's part of a Collection.

[nylonsquid]

I'm in NC and I haven't talked or seen her in a month now. I am so proud of myself. However, I did get some text messages from her that didn't require answering to and so I ignored.

She has texted me now asking if I want my paint brushes back. Guhh.. it's such a simple question and I don't know what to answer. I actually DO want my paints and brushes back.

Last Friday she saw me on a date at a restaurant and she said hi. It was very awkward as she was sitting next to us but then she moved to another table. Then on Monday she liked one of my pictures on an iphone app (Instagram) of a wall with heart painted on it.

I don't want to tell her about my dates, I don't want to hear about her boy friends. It all will hurt. I haven't had closure either. Meaning, there was no talk of us not being together even. She just wanted out and I asked her to not date others and she did. What more is there?

Should I tell her to leave them in the building's main door? There's a space where she could leave them. She also has a valuable DVD that I really want back! It's part of a Collection.

[redfeather]

Incoming on your left, NylonSquid...
Cant she just mail these items? I wouldnt want her near my apt/home. You are doing great with NC really you are. I think she is just doing what borderlines do.  Hi!

[jacksondog]

Very simple, Yes! I want my brushes back.Please Leave them on the front porch. She's trying something thats not going to benefit you. NC all the way.
I hurts Brother, but you need to look at it long term. Good luck!

[Newton]

nylonsquid... how about treating yourself to some new brushes and paint?  She knows you want the items back...it's a hook...look after yourself and go shopping Sure it'll take a while to wear them in but it's a great excuse to paint 

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[nylonsquid]

Cant she just mail these items? I wouldnt want her near my apt/home. You are doing great with NC really you are.

Thanks, Redfeather. I'm embarrassed to even be mentioning this on the boards. She does cause panic in me and trigger anxieties. I never feel like I'm prepared. Thanks for responding. You're right, I don't want her around my house but we bike in the inner city and she lives 5 min bike ride away. I swear they have a sixth sense because I was planning on seeing a girl (one I just started dating) tonight, perhaps she'd want to stay over too. So weird!

Well I had to think fast and this is how it went:
me: Yes. Leave them on my washing machine along with La Collectionneuse.
her: Are u really this angry?
me: Nope. Just drop them off if you like.
her: Ok, I willl.

Can't believe she almost turned it around by making it personal and about me being angry. Grrrr!

[redfeather]

yeah nylon squid that was going to be part of my response ie meet at your apt/home? Not a good idea if a bed is nearby! i am not saying that to be nasty or coarse but if mine TODAY asked to see me for any reason and the subject turned to sex well I will be honest here No would be tough to say. So either let her mail them or get another set, please! Hi!

[nylonsquid]

Thanks Newton and Jacks,

The laundry machine is inside the front door but not inside the actual apartment house so I wouldn't even see her. It's like the front porch. I guess with that reply to her I broke NC?   I thought perhaps she'll just drop them off but I just got this text an hour after she said ok to dropping them:

"And that's it.. we don't speak anymore?"

Sigh...

What can I do to avoid more pain? Why can't she just drop them off? Why is she asking this? Is she just going to comply if I say yes? She's cornering me. I don't even know what to reply. This was about the items, now it's about everything!

I'm going to wait on the boards a bit for responses before I respond to her.

[redfeather]

What do you want Nylonsquid? Do you want to re-engage? because if you do no judgement here on that. Maybe it will take one more visit to OZ before you can leave and never ever look back. But she is trying to re-engage most assuredly.
But irregardless of what she wants ie to know you havent abandoned her, become narcissitic supply, something has gone awry with new love(s) What is it you want that will serve you best?

[Newton]

nylonsquid...if she had written the topic of your thread (subconciously) it would perhaps read ...

..."hmmm I am feeling lost, lonely, angry, jealous, rejected etc etc...I need to somehow re-engage nylonsquid...aaahhh...paintbrushes...I still have those, that should be enticing enough"...

Obviously this isn't a thought process for her but hopefully you get my point...

This is about her feelings...not your need to have your items returned...

So what now?...Is it important to you that you reply to her?...What would not replying mean?... 

[turtle]

What can I do to avoid more pain? Why can't she just drop them off? Why is she asking this? Is she just going to comply if I say yes? She's cornering me. I don't even know what to reply. This was about the items, now it's about everything!

She's not cornering you.  You don't have to do a thing.  If you never see those items again, so what?  And if you don't respond to her, so what?

If you feel you must respond, can you say "you are correct, we are not speaking."
Then be prepared for a sh*tstorm of texts, emails, and so forth.  That may not happen, but if it does...it will pass.  You are NOT cornered.  YOU are in control of whether you speak to her or not --- not the other way around.

I've been in your shoes and it's these tiny little things that get us to respond to them.  Now you'll know that next time, whatever excuse she comes up with is something you want no part of! Whatever property of yours she has...forget about it!

turtle

[Sofie]

What can I do to avoid more pain? Why can't she just drop them off? Why is she asking this? Is she just going to comply if I say yes? She's cornering me. I don't even know what to reply. This was about the items, now it's about everything!

I'm going to wait on the boards a bit for responses before I respond to her.

Seriously, I understand that losing these items of yours suck, but think about it...what's worth more - paintbrushes and a DVD or your healing?
As others have said, this is obviously a hook and I doubt that you at only one month of NC are strong enough to handle contact with her in a way where she will not get the upper hand and reel you back in very quickly. (I know that I was not, for sure.)

Don't respond - don't pick the scab of a wound not healed.

[ellil]

I get it at wanting the paintbrushes back, , those suckers are expensive (if you're talking artist's brushes for oils/acrylics, etc.). I'd want my darned brushes back too.

Now, she is trying to re-engage you or she'd have just dropped them off without contacting you, or sent them back.

I think you did fine in that post where you listed the four text lines. I don't think you should worry if that's all there was and she leaves the brushes and dvd as you requested.

Try not to stress about it. They do keep us on pins and needles. I can't imagine what they must feel like everyday.

M

[Belka]

She has ALL of the information necessary to get your brushes back to you, if that's what she's really trying to do.

[nylonsquid]

Elil - Yes, for acrylics. I want them but I almost want my DVD back more. It's a rare French movie and it's part of a fancy box set that I spent over $80 on. The fact that she offered them back should be okay to say yes to. I don't want to see her, just want my stuff back. Also, she makes things sound so harmless that I'd look stupid not responding. It'll look like I'm making things a bigger deal than they need to be.

Okay, so this girl is unbelievable! An hour after we messaged and she ending with "ok, I will (return the stuff)" she writes this (tell me how I did):

her: And that's it... We don't speak anymore?
me: What do you want?
her: What do you mean?
me: I thought you moved on. What do you want to speak about?
her: You don't find it strange that we just won't ever speak again? That's kind of sad.
me: You don't find it tragic how it ended?
her: I think of it as a mess.
me: So why should we return to this mess?
her: Because it's a shame not to know each other.
me: You want to be friends?
her: I think that wld be nice.
me: Doesn't work for me. Just drop the paints and DVD by.


That was that. I never got the paints and I'm unsure she will. How did I do? Is she going to give the stuff back? Sounds like it was an excuse to see me and when she couldn't she just didn't drop the stuff. I'm wondering if she ever will.

[GreenMango]

me: Doesn't work for me. Just drop the paints and DVD by.

Ok seriously that above was my favorite part.  Now you what she's up too...please please consider yourself warned.  This is how she operates.

I'm so sorry she baited you and used your own stuff as ammo...it's selfish and manipulative.  But this will happen over and over again if you let it.  I'm going to dissect the texts for you:

her: And that's it... We don't speak anymore? I'm not really texting you about the paints I need your attention and why won't you give it to me.  Please don't mention that a healthy person would call you, not text you, to talk about a fight or hurt feelings...I just can't go there and text leaves me just enough wiggle room to not face myself.

me: What do you want? What do you want? And if you were dealing with an emotionally mature and considerate adult they would take this question to heart and not play games with it.

her: What do you mean? I'm going to play dumb here and act like my behavior is totally normal even though I have been told by this person before that it is unacceptable.

me: I thought you moved on. What do you want to speak about?

her: You don't find it strange that we just won't ever speak again? That's kind of sad.I find it strange that you wouldn't want to line up again for more of my contradictions and that you don't want to speak with me.  I'm very accustomed to having ambiguous relationships that mix both platonic and romantic without commitment because it allows me to control my fear of abadonment and rejection.  It makes me sad that you won't agree to this and hold fast to your integrity because then I am rejected...me, me, me...

me: You don't find it tragic how it ended?

her: I think of it as a mess. Hey I behave in horrid ways to people I care about all the time and this is normal...so I deflect and minimize it as a mess instead of owning what it really was.

me: So why should we return to this mess?

her: Because it's a shame not to know each other. It's ashame I shouldn't get what I want from you

me: You want to be friends?

her: I think that wld be nice. I want you to be my friend which includes knowing your feelings for me and stringing you along and behaving in ways no friend would ever treat another friend but hey...I want you to be my friend not to be yours.

me: Doesn't work for me. Just drop the paints and DVD by.I'm actually really glad you put it in such plain terms.

Nylon I'm so sorry, but it wasn't about the paint or you...It was about her.  She saw you getting on with your life and dating...she wanted to feel worthy, better, or acceptable to herself after seeing you out so she acted impulsively which is typical of BPD to get you to mirror back to her that worth by picking her over your new found romances.  She impulsively acted on her emotions to fulfill her needs...its about her.

You deserve to happy.

...with a person who treats you right and it obviously ain't her.

Hang in there and follow Newton's advice get yourself some new paints and brushes you've earned it.

GM

[redfeather]

Green mango hit the nail on the head! Fabulous translation! Nylon squid how are you this morning? Hi!

[nylonsquid]

me: Doesn't work for me. Just drop the paints and DVD by.I'm actually really glad you put it in such plain terms.

I'm guessing what you typed above is not a translation but your comment.

Greenmango - Thank you SO SO much for the translations! I was hoping someone would do that! I love how you put things.

I was wondering how a normal and understanding person would respond to my messages. I was also wondering why she just wouldn't call instead. Everything is from a distance. It's safe for her. I'm a bit taken back by the lack of apprehension to our relationship. That whatever happened can be ignored, not talked about and we can just meet up and just laugh about things and pretend nothing happened so I can be back up for someone else if it doesn't work out with them.

Truthfully, I think deep down I wanted her to ask for me again and I may have given her a chance talking about it. I still want my feelings validated and I want to hear her say she's sorry and tell me what she's willing to do if she does want to move forward with me. Only then would I consider her. I don't think she'll go there.



UPDATE:

Then again I am surprised that she DID bring my stuff back in the morning today and text messaged me about it. "I just dropped your stuff off". I was surprised and thought that the end of it. On the way out I pick up the stuff and realized she didn't give me back all my brushes. I got most of the stuff but I'm pretty sure I left more than one lousy brush and a little pencil at her place. This is kind of mind boggling that she didn't even pack everything properly. But then I find a note attached to the DVD. I see, it's NOT the end of things.

Go crazy and translate (I love hearing it):
"Nylonsquid,
I understand if you don't want to speak right now but I hope we can hang out soon. Maybe go for ice creams (ice creams written in my original language) and you can tell me a joke.
BPD"

Tell her a joke? WTH does that mean? BTW, when she broke up with me she used the same reasoning. She explained how right NOW it can't work out but it may in the future and she's open to it.

Afterwards I go for coffee with a friend (girl) and she runs into me AGAIN! I don't know what she's doing in my neighbourhood! We were sitting next to the window and made eye contact through the glass when she walked by alone on the street. I guess I didn't really acknowledge because I was mid conversation so I turned back to the girl and continued talking to her. Yes, I was all smiles when she saw me.

I get a message about half an hour later:

"One thing not talking to me. Ignoring me in the street is another."

She is making me feel bad and stressing me. I really wanted to engage her back but held back and finished my meeting with my friend and wrote this thing down. She's guilt tripping me. Is it fair of her? I mean, she's hurt me and now wants us to talk because it's sad not to, and she's upset that I didn't give her attention when she passed by in a glimpse of a second.

[redfeather]

So you seem ok, tell you what. she is stalking you now. Seeing you with the girl laughing having a good time just upped the ante so to speak. Something has gone wrong in loverland (this new toy isnt working as well as nylonsquid did when he was getting all my "good" loving  Now where did that nylon squid get off to?) which means she has just gotten enough space/time away from you to start missing you.. Hi!
I think you are in wax the bunny territory now.

[ellil]

And of course you know why she didn't return all the brushes, right?

At this point, I'll agree with the others, only I'd probably break NC just this one teensy, weensy little time with a text that said:

me: It's ok that you didn't return all of my brushes. You may throw them out now; I just purchased replacements. translation: you crazy woman, I'd rather give up painting completely and dip my tongue and eyelids in flowing hot lava before I ever let you near my life again.

Next action after sending that text? Block her number from the wireless carrier level and your phone too. Same with the email. Hope you don't need cadmium red replacement

M

[GreenMango]

me: Doesn't work for me. Just drop the paints and DVD by.I'm actually really glad you put it in such plain terms.

I'm guessing what you typed above is not a translation but your comment.

Yeah it was a comment I got mixed up with the color scheme  ;p ...I think it was a very clear message.  But unfortunately from her responses after she dropped off *part* of your stuff she apparently also needed to hear:

Please don't ever contact me again.

I know it sounds blunt and harsh but you are in a circular conversation/exchange with her.  A circular conversation will raise your anxiety level and if very confusing because it defies logic...this is an inherent marker of a dysfunction.  The only way this stops is if you remove yourself from these crazy making conversations...or if she sees this as a problem and works on it.  You can only control you.  

Truthfully, I think deep down I wanted her to ask for me again and I may have given her a chance talking about it. I still want my feelings validated and I want to hear her say she's sorry and tell me what she's willing to do if she does want to move forward with me. Only then would I consider her. I don't think she'll go there.

Nylon, I wanted this too.  And, it sucks because it could be so easy...but it can only be this easy if we are dealing with an adult with enough emotional maturity to see their part/role in a relationship too.  

I think what you wrote down is the marker of a *healthy relationship*.  And it's wonderful.  It shows an ability to resolve conflict, acknowledge your partner, accept that none of us are perfect but when we transgress we don't do it again and we make amens.

Knowing this and accepting that we won't get it from that person is the first step in moving forward.  

UPDATE:

Then again I am surprised that she DID bring my stuff back in the morning today and text messaged me about it. "I just dropped your stuff off". I was surprised and thought that the end of it. On the way out I pick up the stuff and realized she didn't give me back all my brushes. I got most of the stuff but I'm pretty sure I left more than one lousy brush and a little pencil at her place. This is kind of mind boggling that she didn't even pack everything properly. But then I find a note attached to the DVD. I see, it's NOT the end of things.

Go crazy and translate (I love hearing it):
"Nylonsquid,
I understand if you don't want to speak right now but I hope we can hang out soon. Maybe go for ice creams (ice creams written in my original language) and you can tell me a joke. Nylon, I don't really understand why you don't want to speak to me because I refuse to accept that my behavior has hurt you.  It says that something is wrong with me and because I think only in black and white I can't hold the idea in my mind that I have made a mistake and not have my world and psyche collapse around me it's too much.  So Nylon let bygones be bygones...and we can pretend like nothing is wrong over icecream like children.
BPD"

Afterwards I go for coffee with a friend (girl) and she runs into me AGAIN! I don't know what she's doing in my neighbourhood! We were sitting next to the window and made eye contact through the glass when she walked by alone on the street. I guess I didn't really acknowledge because I was mid conversation so I turned back to the girl and continued talking to her. Yes, I was all smiles when she saw me.

I get a message about half an hour later:

"One thing not talking to me. Ignoring me in the street is another." I saw you with someone else and that is unacceptable to me.  You've picked someone else over me.  I can't have you ignoring me... me... me... me...

She is making me feel bad and stressing me. I really wanted to engage her back but held back and finished my meeting with my friend and wrote this thing down. She's guilt tripping me. Is it fair of her? I mean, she's hurt me and now wants us to talk because it's sad not to, and she's upset that I didn't give her attention when she passed by in a glimpse of a second.

Nylon,

Both Redfeather and Ellil sussed out the game.  I know it hurts and ia confusing as all get out   .  You made a really good point about what it would have taken for you to allow her back...but she's not there and probably never will be.  She doesn't have the emotional maturity or character development to give you that healthy relationship you want and need.  

Do you want to constantly have to teach and police your boundaries for things like common human courtesy and respect?  

So, you've gotten some great advice from the others and she's still playing...

Do you want to play along?  What's your plan?

Tread carefully and Take Care,
GM

PS Jerry's Artarama has deals (like in steal) on paint/brushes/easels regularly.