Please help... should I go or not go?

[Think About It...]

I need help one more time... sorry to keep cluttering up the boards. I know there are others who have more pressing things to discuss than what I'm about to ask.  I'm very confused on what to do.  Tomorrow is Holy Thursday and I would like to go to church with my kids.  The dilemma is that my ex will be there with his wife (100% sure) and it will be the first time I have seen them together since the break-up.  Right after we broke up I went to church and saw them together all over each other, his arm around her protectively, holding hands when they walked out and it was very hard on me, however that was four months ago.   I think I could handle it now but I'm concerned too.  I don't want to go to another church, this is my parish and the rebel in me says that I deserve to be there too!  As far as I last knew his wife doesn't know what I look like, so that shouldn't be a problem, I won't be making her uncomfortable in anyway. However, he did tell me that she was obsessed with knowing what I look like, so maybe she has since found out, I really don't want to cause trouble for her.  I actually have a knot in my stomach about this, it's ridiculous that it's causing me anxiety, but it is, big time.  I know this seems trivial in comparison to other posts, but I would really like to get the thoughts of those who know about this best.  Should I go or stay far, far away? 

[SHolloway]

I need help one more time... sorry to keep cluttering up the boards. I know there are others who have more pressing things to discuss than what I'm about to ask.  I'm very confused on what to do.  Tomorrow is Holy Thursday and I would like to go to church with my kids.  The dilemma is that my ex will be there with his wife (100% sure) and it will be the first time I have seen them together since the break-up.  Right after we broke up I went to church and saw them together all over each other, his arm around her protectively, holding hands when they walked out and it was very hard on me, however that was four months ago.   I think I could handle it now but I'm concerned too.  I don't want to go to another church, this is my parish and the rebel in me says that I deserve to be there too!  As far as I last knew his wife doesn't know what I look like, so that shouldn't be a problem, I won't be making her uncomfortable in anyway. However, he did tell me that she was obsessed with knowing what I look like, so maybe she has since found out, I really don't want to cause trouble for her.  I actually have a knot in my stomach about this, it's ridiculous that it's causing me anxiety, but it is, big time.  I know this seems trivial in comparison to other posts, but I would really like to get the thoughts of those who know about this best.  Should I go or stay far, far away? 

[SeekingInnerPeace]

I think you should go, b/c it is a family tradition for your kids and you.  I don't think we should ever give those up.

And I wouldn't be concerned about her.  Forget about her.  Think of yourself, and your kids.  It's nice that you're compassionate and empathetic towards others, but how about giving some of that to yourself instead?  It's not selfish.  It's what we need to do for ourselves at times.

You are already prepared for the possibility of seeing them, which is good, b/c it won't catch you completely off guard.  Do what you can to focus on yourself, on your kids, and on the real reason why you are there, and hopefully that will help alleviate at least some of the anxiety.  And use your faith to help see you through!

[Sofie]

SHolloway,

 
You shouldn't write off your situation as "less important" than that of others here - your problem is real for you right here and right now which is all that matters.

Honestly, you should do what feels best for YOU - what is best for your ex's wife or how your presence makes her feel is absolutely none of your concern. Besides, if your ex has BPD, I really would not consider him a reliable source as to what his new wife thinks of or feels in relation to you.

[SHolloway]

SeekingInnerPeace and Sophie, thank you so much for your thoughts.  I want very much to go, maybe I'm a little worried about how I will react.  I won't do anything crazy, I just am anxious that it will bother me seeing them together and being affectionate.  I wish I could say that I wouldn't be jealous, but I know I will be to a point.  Logically it's over in my mind and I have no desire to be with him ever again, but it will get to me I'm sure.  But you are both right, I need to focus on my family, it's about us, not them.  They don't matter.  Thanks.  

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[ellil]

Ok, here's my take on this. Holy Thursday is the most solemn Mass of the liturgical year. It is way more than tradition.

It seems the anxieties you are having now will darned near make it impossible for you to actually be able to pray the Mass. Also, it hardly seems productive for you to use this venue to be a rebel. Seems like only you would be suffering.

I would go to another parish. The Catholic Mass is the same liturgy in every Catholic Church in the world and you would be able to participate distraction free. And who knows? Maybe you will find a comfortable parish without him to attend regularly.

Your spiritual life should be peaceful. This doesn't sound peaceful.

M

[tailspin]

SHolloway

I like ellil's advice but it sounds like you want to go to your own church with your children.  If this is what you decide to do...I have no doubt that you will be just fine.  We don't go to church for him or her.  We go for us.  We take our family.  We go for God.  

If you want to avoid any awkwardness then sit in the back and leave when it's over.  And if you see them don't worry.  Smile and nod.  Focus on your beliefs, celebrate the Last Supper and don't worry about what might happen.

[SHolloway]

Thanks tailspin and ellil, yes I do want to go to my own church.  I've gone there for 17 years, my kids had their communions there, I had my feet washed one year at this mass, there are many memories especially since I will be leaving here and moving soon, it's my home parish.  I thought about it a lot last night and it is about God, not about my ex, her, me or anyone else.  I will pray hard prior to leaving and I will be fine.  I will be there with my kids, they along with God are my joy and my life, their presence will overshadow any darkness I could possibly feel. 

[ellil]

Thanks tailspin and ellil, yes I do want to go to my own church.  I've gone there for 17 years, my kids had their communions there, I had my feet washed one year at this mass, there are many memories especially since I will be leaving here and moving soon, it's my home parish.  I thought about it a lot last night and it is about God, not about my ex, her, me or anyone else.  I will pray hard prior to leaving and I will be fine.  I will be there with my kids, they along with God are my joy and my life, their presence will overshadow any darkness I could possibly feel.  

I hadn't realized you would be moving soon and out of the parish! Well then...my suggestion? SIT IN THE FRONT PEW so you can't see anything behind you!  And if it's reserved for the RCIA folks, sit in the first available pew! You know you won't turn around, and you know you won't have to see them (if you don't peek at Communion   ).

And make sure you look really,really, really good from the back.

Happy Easter!

M

[Kminery]

Hey there SHolloway,

Happy Holy Thursday to you.

I don't want to ignore that you will be very very deranged at church. You will not be able to focus fully on the mass or your kids. Your mind will wander. You will try to take a look.

But this is normal. It's unfortunate that it will take place at a church rather than some social event, but just like any phobia or addiction, the best way to let it go is to confront the phobia/addiction, understanding the pain to be there without being with him.

I would say go there early, sit a bit towards the front (so that you decrease chances of bumping face to face with him, and do not look back). You will know they might be there, but you don't care. If it helps contact a friend who might be willing to come with you (male or female) so that you distract yourself. Today the focus is God, you and your kids. Do not break the tradition for your kids, we will be gone and they will stay, so do not jeopardize their connection with tradition.

Good luck and don't worry. Even if you bump into him, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So next time you won't give a f f.

[SHolloway]

Happy Holy Thursday to all of you too!  Kminery, you make me laugh!  I agree, I'm a big believer in confronting things head-on, I want to go to church with my kids and if he's there and we see one another, I will smile and act like I don't have a care in the world.  Most likely the one who will be truly uncomfortable will be him, which I won't deny brings me a little satisfaction!  Not very christian I know!  Thank you for giving me a good laugh, I needed it! 

Hi again ellil, I most certainly will have to take a peek at communion, I won't be able to help myself!  And yes, it will be very important to look my best, I'm there for God, myself and my kids, but no reason not to look fabulous! 

Happy Easter everybody! 

[Beenreplaced]

If it was me I would go.  Keep you head up and remember that this is for you and your family.  Show him just how strong you are.  Say a prayer for strength...you are in the best place for that!  Happy Holy Thursday and Happy Easter!

[SHolloway]

Happy Easter Beenreplaced!    I most definitely will be praying before, during and after and will say a prayer for us all here! God Bless! 

[SHolloway]

Well, they were there and his wife saw me and got mad.  I didn't think she knew what I looked like, she obviously does now.  After church my daughter and I were standing at the back of the church talking to friends, they turned around, she looked at me, got visibly angry and made him sit back down with her in the pew.  He proceeded to put his arm around her and kept turning around to see if we were still there, which we were for a few minutes.  Why do I feel so guilty?  I was so happy, was totally into the mass and was feeling good that I was fine, I was at peace.  But now that I'm home I feel so badly that I caused a rift I'm sure.  It makes me mad that I'm feeling this way, neither of them have cared about my feelings throughout this, but I can't help it.  I think I'm feeling guilty because there was a small part of me that wanted them to see me, but now I just feel sick to my stomach.  I'm back to square one tonight about what I've done and the affair thing.  I'm so sick of feeling vulnerable where he's concerned. 

[ellil]

Listen, I get that you are feeling guilt over the affair...you  made a mistake. We have all made mistakes, some small, some not so small. You are GENUINELY sorry. That's apparent. You feel remorse.

You have got to forgive yourself for this. Heck, you just came from Holy Thursday Mass, where you know Someone "bigger" than you has forgiven you   If He can, you certainly can forgive yourself.

So now you know. You won't be in this position again. You're moving away. Her husband bears equally--actually more--responsiblity than you do in this whole thing.

Happy Easter! You know what Easter is to Christians, so you too need to forgive yourself for this mistake, for all of it, the affair, her getting upset tonight (not that you are responsible at all for that), anything you feel guilty about. Let it go. That's what the Easter season is about.

 

M

[SHolloway]

ellil, I thought I had forgiven myself, I don't know why this is bothering me so much.  I think I feel this way because I wanted them to see me happy and moving on, I don't like acting that way, it's not me.  I wasn't being obnoxious, but inside I felt the satisfaction of looking happy,feeling confident, chatting with friends, being with my daughter, and wanting them to see they didn't break me.  That's the guilt, it's not the affair anymore, it's that I just celebrated the most holy mass of the year and I had those kinds of thoughts and it led to her anger. 

[tailspin]

Faith...

There's not a single one of us on this board who wouldn't want our ex to see us happy and feeling confident.  Heck, I would give up ice cream for a year if he could see that he didn't break me. 

Your thoughts did NOT lead to her anger.  Her thoughts led to her anger.  Please understand that you are not responsible for anyone else's behavior.  Who cares if she was angry?  Who cares if he has to deal with this anger now? 

I say that you did good.  You didn't cause a scene.  You didn't go up to them and start anything.  You went to church with your daughter and if they can't handle that...then it's their problem.

I was raised Catholic and I know the deal with guilt.  It's hammered into us from a young age.  But at some point guilt becomes persecution and that is never good.  Please consider this before you continue to punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault.

[SHolloway]

Hi tailspin, thanks.  I know logically I didn't do anything wrong, I can't help the way I feel inside, I didn't do anything intentional toward them.  I did however want them to see that they haven't broken me, that I'm more than fine despite the crap I've been through these last few months. If I'm taking care of me now there's nothing wrong with wanting them to see me moving on, happy and confident, that's healthy.  I think since I was feeling so peaceful after church, to go from that to seeing their little episode threw me for a loop.  For the last four months every time I've come to a peaceful place in this journey something happens with them to ruin that feeling.  At Christmas after I was just coming to terms with everything and starting to move forward, out of the blue he calls me and puts her on the phone to talk to me and he instructs me to tell her it's over between us.  After she told me how much she hated me and a few other choice words, I was finally able to pick my jaw up off the ground and speak.  I couldn't believe that he'd use me to save his wife from leaving him, that's the **it that gets to me.  Maybe last night reminded me of that, they always have a way of ruining my mood!  You are exactly right, I'm not responsible for either of them.  Now that I've calmed down and am thinking clearly I see that once again I'm reacting to the unhealthy hold he still has on me.  Thanks tailspin, you always have a way of putting things into perspective, I appreciate you calming me down! And as ellil said I need to let it all go and forgive myself most of all for everything, that's what Easter is all about, forgiveness and new life.