Other Woman to UBPDm Help tme stay away

[Think About It...]

I came by this site when searching the symptoms my boyfriend has. We broke up recently and I suppose I have been analysing him, however I don't think that I am wrong, so would be grateful to receive opinions from people that actually know.

When I first met him he was very, very charming, initially I wasn't interested because he was in a relationship, not a serious one, or so he told me, they didn't live together and had only been together 18 months,he however said it was over and he was just trying to find the right time to end it without being too hurtful. He bombarded me with texts, left gifts on my doostep, called round to see me for coffee and started talking about how unhappy he was with his GF . He was very full on pursuing me, I caved in and we started a relationship, he told me very quickly he was falling for me, I suppose looking back I was gullible and went against everything I believe in by having "an affair" with him.
He was Mr Wonderful I would never have guessed what was to come.

He told me that he coudn't stay in his current relationship because his GF had a past, she had slept with so many men he couldn't deal with it, every man she spoke to he wondered if she had been with them sexually, he couldn't stand going out with her or even shopping with her. He said she showed no feelings towards him and had no emotion,he thought she was with him because of what he had, nice car,house etc. He convinced me she was an absolutely vile, blood sucking creature and made me feel sorry for him. I said if it was so bad why did he stay?

Then he  finished with his GF, the minute he did he turned cold on me, he barely text me he didn't ring and when I did see him he was very distant. He became a miserable, depressed person that I didn't recognise. I found out he was still seeing his GF so I ended it, he pleaded with me to see him still said she had been hysterical, and begging him to go back to her and she was threatening suicide as she couldn't live without him. He said he had to go back because he felt sorry for her.

Stupidly I let him get around me again, I can't believe I was so weak. He began to tell me about his feelings about himself. He has very low self esteem but thinks everyone is jealous of him. He openly admits that he doesn't trust anyone at all. He thinks everyone has secrets and are devious. Plotting to get one over on him.

His Dad apparently hates women and treats his mother like a doormat, she became a Jehovas Witness as a means of escape when he was young. He says that he felt he had to protect his Mother, not from his Father, but she took him knocking on doors as a jehovas witness and people were abusive to her. he says his Father was physicaly abusive at times and he was always striving for his attention, somedays his Dad was hateful and it made him insecure, this has continued into adulthood.


He told me he knows he has issues and knows he can't change. He hasn't got any friends and never socialises. He said I was his only friend and he needed me. He was still blowing hot and cold with me and I became insular myself,. When he got back with his GF they booked a holiday, he told me about it the week they were supposed to go. Only he had decided he wasn't going and she was going with her cousin instead,he said he couldn't possibly go away with her as he would just be her carer and she would moan all the time.  She went away, and he turned completely cold and acted very strangely, drinking a lot, being loud and vulgar, berating her for going saying he hated her and calling her "a thing"

 When she came home things got worse between them and again he finished it. By this time his son from his first marriage was living with him. His son seemed to hate the GF too and backed up all the awful things his father was saying. Hence I believed it all. He said to me that it was us now and that he wanted to be with me forever, i was amazing and different than any other woman, blah,blah ,blah. It lasted two weeks and he went from being mega hot one day to totally cold the next. I knew what was coming, he said he was going back to her, that the relationship with her hadn't stood a chance because of all the wrong he had done and he owed it to her to make it right.

I was devastated, hysterical and a person I didn't recognise, It made me ill I couldn't eat or sleep but I stayed away from him I couldnt believe he had cut me off without another word.

I never heard a word from him for 3 months.

During this time his GF moved in. He had a massive row with his Mother and they weren't speaking. He had told all the same awful things about his GF to his Mother too so she couldn't understand why he went back to her.

Then the texts started, then he started coming round and like an idiot I let it start again, I couldnt tell anyone, my friends or family because they would think me the idiot I obviously am.
I was like his councellor. He said that it started going downhill two weeks after she moved in and that she was worse than ever now she had her feet under the table.He said he hated her so much, she was selfish and mean etc etc, he said his rages were so bad because she irritated him so much, and he wanted to hit her. He would go in a rage because she looked at him the wrong way.

In Feb it was his birthday, he came to my house in an absolute rage because his GF had booked a weekend away and he didn't want to go. However he did, and I decided I couldn't be his other woman any more. He came back they weren't speaking and he said the weekend was awful, done on the cheap and she moaned constantly. I stuck to my guns and ended it. He didn't seem to accept it, kept ringing, his rages with her were getting worse and his hatred was bubbling. He was irate because she had given her friend a lift in his car. He had made her delete Facebook, she went back on it in March. He said he told her if she ever went back on it they would be over.I told him maybe it was his fault the relationship was bad and he should try harder.That he shouldn't bad mouth her friends and he shouldn't stop her going on facebook etc. That nobody had the right to control another person to that extent.

He seemed to take it on board and said he would try to be a better person and try to be happy because he deserved to be. I stopped texting back to every text he sent. Then last week I didn't text him back thursday or Friday, on Saturday he text me and said his GF knows about us, I said we needed to speak so could he ring me. He did, he said he coudnt live with what he had done so in order for them to move forward he told her. I said he shouldn't have because we were over so what was the point. He then said he only said we were good friends. I feel he possibly did it to hurt her , he does things to push her away but then reels her back in.

I now think that he has BPD and possibly couldnt help what he has done, I should have known better and I hate myself for adding to his girlfriends pain , as I now see from reading about BPD that she probably isn't what he portrayed her to be. I feel sorry for her and know her life must be like treading on egg shells, I was totally taken in, but no more. I wish I could erase the last two years but I can't and I know some will judge me but I loved him so much it was like a drug.

Some other background, he has been married twice, first marriage she had affairs and left him they had two children that stayed with the mother,second marriage was violent, one child again stayed with mum,but apparently all her fault, he hit her so badly he scarred her face, he said he instigated the divorce as he didnt want to be a man that hit women..He says he is with current GF because she is passive and doesn't fight back. He said he ended it with me on previous occasions because he knew I would leave him.

Sorry this is such a rant, I would really like some feedback/opinions as I started to think I was going mad. Does he have BPD symptoms? I am keeping away for good this time.
I feel so bad after reading all the women on here are in relationships with BPD partners that cheat, unfortunately they are practised liars that manage to get you totally hooked.

[victim15]

I came by this site when searching the symptoms my boyfriend has. We broke up recently and I suppose I have been analysing him, however I don't think that I am wrong, so would be grateful to receive opinions from people that actually know.

When I first met him he was very, very charming, initially I wasn't interested because he was in a relationship, not a serious one, or so he told me, they didn't live together and had only been together 18 months,he however said it was over and he was just trying to find the right time to end it without being too hurtful. He bombarded me with texts, left gifts on my doostep, called round to see me for coffee and started talking about how unhappy he was with his GF . He was very full on pursuing me, I caved in and we started a relationship, he told me very quickly he was falling for me, I suppose looking back I was gullible and went against everything I believe in by having "an affair" with him.
He was Mr Wonderful I would never have guessed what was to come.

He told me that he coudn't stay in his current relationship because his GF had a past, she had slept with so many men he couldn't deal with it, every man she spoke to he wondered if she had been with them sexually, he couldn't stand going out with her or even shopping with her. He said she showed no feelings towards him and had no emotion,he thought she was with him because of what he had, nice car,house etc. He convinced me she was an absolutely vile, blood sucking creature and made me feel sorry for him. I said if it was so bad why did he stay?

Then he  finished with his GF, the minute he did he turned cold on me, he barely text me he didn't ring and when I did see him he was very distant. He became a miserable, depressed person that I didn't recognise. I found out he was still seeing his GF so I ended it, he pleaded with me to see him still said she had been hysterical, and begging him to go back to her and she was threatening suicide as she couldn't live without him. He said he had to go back because he felt sorry for her.

Stupidly I let him get around me again, I can't believe I was so weak. He began to tell me about his feelings about himself. He has very low self esteem but thinks everyone is jealous of him. He openly admits that he doesn't trust anyone at all. He thinks everyone has secrets and are devious. Plotting to get one over on him.

His Dad apparently hates women and treats his mother like a doormat, she became a Jehovas Witness as a means of escape when he was young. He says that he felt he had to protect his Mother, not from his Father, but she took him knocking on doors as a jehovas witness and people were abusive to her. he says his Father was physicaly abusive at times and he was always striving for his attention, somedays his Dad was hateful and it made him insecure, this has continued into adulthood.


He told me he knows he has issues and knows he can't change. He hasn't got any friends and never socialises. He said I was his only friend and he needed me. He was still blowing hot and cold with me and I became insular myself,. When he got back with his GF they booked a holiday, he told me about it the week they were supposed to go. Only he had decided he wasn't going and she was going with her cousin instead,he said he couldn't possibly go away with her as he would just be her carer and she would moan all the time.  She went away, and he turned completely cold and acted very strangely, drinking a lot, being loud and vulgar, berating her for going saying he hated her and calling her "a thing"

 When she came home things got worse between them and again he finished it. By this time his son from his first marriage was living with him. His son seemed to hate the GF too and backed up all the awful things his father was saying. Hence I believed it all. He said to me that it was us now and that he wanted to be with me forever, i was amazing and different than any other woman, blah,blah ,blah. It lasted two weeks and he went from being mega hot one day to totally cold the next. I knew what was coming, he said he was going back to her, that the relationship with her hadn't stood a chance because of all the wrong he had done and he owed it to her to make it right.

I was devastated, hysterical and a person I didn't recognise, It made me ill I couldn't eat or sleep but I stayed away from him I couldnt believe he had cut me off without another word.

I never heard a word from him for 3 months.

During this time his GF moved in. He had a massive row with his Mother and they weren't speaking. He had told all the same awful things about his GF to his Mother too so she couldn't understand why he went back to her.

Then the texts started, then he started coming round and like an idiot I let it start again, I couldnt tell anyone, my friends or family because they would think me the idiot I obviously am.
I was like his councellor. He said that it started going downhill two weeks after she moved in and that she was worse than ever now she had her feet under the table.He said he hated her so much, she was selfish and mean etc etc, he said his rages were so bad because she irritated him so much, and he wanted to hit her. He would go in a rage because she looked at him the wrong way.

In Feb it was his birthday, he came to my house in an absolute rage because his GF had booked a weekend away and he didn't want to go. However he did, and I decided I couldn't be his other woman any more. He came back they weren't speaking and he said the weekend was awful, done on the cheap and she moaned constantly. I stuck to my guns and ended it. He didn't seem to accept it, kept ringing, his rages with her were getting worse and his hatred was bubbling. He was irate because she had given her friend a lift in his car. He had made her delete Facebook, she went back on it in March. He said he told her if she ever went back on it they would be over.I told him maybe it was his fault the relationship was bad and he should try harder.That he shouldn't bad mouth her friends and he shouldn't stop her going on facebook etc. That nobody had the right to control another person to that extent.

He seemed to take it on board and said he would try to be a better person and try to be happy because he deserved to be. I stopped texting back to every text he sent. Then last week I didn't text him back thursday or Friday, on Saturday he text me and said his GF knows about us, I said we needed to speak so could he ring me. He did, he said he coudnt live with what he had done so in order for them to move forward he told her. I said he shouldn't have because we were over so what was the point. He then said he only said we were good friends. I feel he possibly did it to hurt her , he does things to push her away but then reels her back in.

I now think that he has BPD and possibly couldnt help what he has done, I should have known better and I hate myself for adding to his girlfriends pain , as I now see from reading about BPD that she probably isn't what he portrayed her to be. I feel sorry for her and know her life must be like treading on egg shells, I was totally taken in, but no more. I wish I could erase the last two years but I can't and I know some will judge me but I loved him so much it was like a drug.

Some other background, he has been married twice, first marriage she had affairs and left him they had two children that stayed with the mother,second marriage was violent, one child again stayed with mum,but apparently all her fault, he hit her so badly he scarred her face, he said he instigated the divorce as he didnt want to be a man that hit women..He says he is with current GF because she is passive and doesn't fight back. He said he ended it with me on previous occasions because he knew I would leave him.

Sorry this is such a rant, I would really like some feedback/opinions as I started to think I was going mad. Does he have BPD symptoms? I am keeping away for good this time.
I feel so bad after reading all the women on here are in relationships with BPD partners that cheat, unfortunately they are practised liars that manage to get you totally hooked.

[ellil]

Hi Victim15 and I'm glad you found your way to the Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of  failed BPD Relationship. You'll find much support here from people who have been through this same thing. I had read your post on the Intro forum and it's good you've moved here.

To me it certainly looks like BPD: Impulsive, Emotionally dysregulated, control, rage, TRIANGULATION, RECYCLING. Are these words you recognize? I think maybe others may have already directed you to Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder? and The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder but if not, you can look at these.

Now is the time to focus only on you and your healing from this dysfunctional relationship. NC is the most important tool for this. The good folks here will relay their experiences and I'm sure will go further into the benefits of NC.

Keep posting and asking your questions. You will get much validation here because we have ALL been through similar events.

Big    to you!

M

[victim15]

Thank you for your message, I feel realy awful that I fell for his c**p, but worse that I have added to another womans pain. I wish I had known about BPD 18 months ago so that I wouldn't have believed all he said, he was a master at deception.

When he returned to his GF I asked why if she is as bad as you say? his reply was he didn't know what it was, time and again he said he was with her because he felt sorry for her, it is me that now feels sorry for her and wish I hadn't been there for him. He even said I made his life more bearable, I can't believe I was so gullible.

I hope that my posting it will help all the wives and girlfriends out there that are with a BPD cheater see  that they treat the other woman just as badly but in a different way, they hide their true colours but act badly in other ways.

I am not proud of myself in any way...

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there Victim15

I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time!  I have recently been through such a time, and I wouldn't wish it upon anyone  

A few things stood out to me straight away.  Firstly, that it does sound to me as if it could be BPD.

Secondly, he seems to be using an awful lot of projection.  I will guarantee that all of the negative things he has said about his gf's behaviour, are actually examples of his own behaviour.  When he talks about her rages, for example, it is very likely to be he that has the rages.  It is likely that the suicide threats have been from him, in order to make his GF feel obliged to get back together with him.

I would also hesitate to believe that he has even told his GF about your relationship.  It seems strange that this came after you sticking to your boundaries, and instigating no contact.  I'm afraid I think that he's said this to you, to re-engage you.  You've then agreed to speak to him, and he has succeeded in breaking No Contact with you.

I understand what you mean about becoming a person you barely recognise.  I think a lot of people here will identify with that.  That was when I knew I'd had enough.

My advice to you would be to start No Contact again, and to stick to it. It is the only way to begin your path to recovery, and every time you let him back in, you have to start over again.  You might find this link useful:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/no-contact-why-you-need-to-keep-your-proverbial-door-closed-even-when-they-try-to-break-it-down-by-any-means-necessary/

There is also great information on this site.   Here is one link you might be interested in:

http://BPDfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Stop feeling guilty about another woman's pain, because you can't believe a thing this man is telling you.  You have been manipulated into behaving in ways you would never have thought of doing, and he has played you off against each other.  You need to look out for YOU now.   No one else.  You're the lucky one!  You are free now!

Best wishes,
JP
x

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[victim15]

Thank you JP, I think you are right, I don't believe he told his GF either. We have not spoken or contacted each other since our discussion regarding this last Sunday.

I intend to stick to this, I know he wont, at some point he will try to contact me in one way or another, now I have discovered BPD I feel stronger and more able to disconnect, I know nothing will change and he just uses me for his supply.

Thanks again..

[jessicapuppy]

Thank you JP, I think you are right, I don't believe he told his GF either. We have not spoken or contacted each other since our discussion regarding this last Sunday.

I intend to stick to this, I know he wont, at some point he will try to contact me in one way or another, now I have discovered BPD I feel stronger and more able to disconnect, I know nothing will change and he just uses me for his supply.

Thanks again..

I think that when I realised (after joining this site) that the only think breaking no-contact with him would achieve, was to make me have to start all over again with my grieving process, that was the best motivation I had ever had!  The thought of having to repeat the weeks I'd gone through since our break-up, was a harsh reminder.  I wasn't going through that again!

People with BPD do not make good exes!  It is known for them to become stalkers, and so you may need to be prepared to change your phone number(s), block him from your email address and social networking sites (although I would have done that with the latter, regardless) and be prepared that he may try to sabotage new relationships.  This is less likely to happen if he has a partner, but be prepared if he becomes single.

xx

[victim15]

He doesn't use e-mail and is very anti social network sites. I know at some point he will text or accidentally bump in to me, unfortunately he only lives down the road.

I think it would become a problem for me if he became single, I told him I had started dating someone else before I ended the relationship, I think this possiby triggered his abandonment fears. He hated that I wasn't at his beck and call and even though he never met the new guy he was trying his best to put me off him. He even said I was "too like him to make it work" Nothing could be further from the truth here.

I think he is possibly back in the clinging stage with the GF but now know this wont last so I am not holding my breath that it is over with.

Thanks again for your advice it really is helping me.. x

[jessicapuppy]

I'm really glad that you are finding posting on the site, helpful.

You mentioned the 'Clinging' stage, and I thought I would mention another part of the site that you might like to read:

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

xx

[victim15]

Reading that link makes me wonder if anything he ever said was true.
He used to tell me it was his GF always moaning about one ailment or another and he felt like her carer. He didn't moan to me about him having ailments just moaned about her all the time, hours at a time somedays.
What a lot of time I have wasted listening to his BS...
Thanks yet again JP.. x

[anker]

it's not her, it's not you, it's him.

welcome aboard, sorry you've been through all this. time to make things ok just for YOU now.

*hugs*

[jessicapuppy]

Reading that link makes me wonder if anything he ever said was true.
He used to tell me it was his GF always moaning about one ailment or another and he felt like her carer. He didn't moan to me about him having ailments just moaned about her all the time, hours at a time somedays.
What a lot of time I have wasted listening to his BS...
Thanks yet again JP.. x

I went through that period of suddenly questioning the truth of everything that had ever been said to me.  It's a horrible moment, because you suddenly feel as if everything has been false or a waste of time.

I think that is what helped me stay strong in No Contact.  Previously he had my complete trust.  Now, I question everything he says when he tries to get my attention.  I don't think of him as a bad, lying person, I think of him as a very, very ill person.  This helps me keep neutral about my feelings towards him, almost as if anything he says any more, doesn't matter.  That helps me move on without feeling cheated and lied to, but with the strength and knowledge to always take time to trust someone, before getting in too deep.  I am simply more able to pay attention to the little   that I ignored previously.

In this article, Natalie Lue talks about those red flags, and how to spot them - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-bail-out-red-flag s/

She also has another article on her code amber and code red warning system, which I think is very interesting - http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-code-red-and-code-amber-behaviour-in-dating-and-relationships/

Knowledge is power...and all that!  It's true, though!  One of the best ways to get through such horrible experiences, is to learn about them.

JP
x