My husband has been sleeping in another room

[Think About It...]

Hi,
I wanted to ask you if it is normal for BPDs to sleep in another room? My husband has been sleeping in another room but cooperates to satisfy physical needs( which is decreasing day by day). Is he suppressing sexual urges ? Hegives me the reason that I go to sleep too soon and he cannot see me sleeping.

[kalsud]

Hi,
I wanted to ask you if it is normal for BPDs to sleep in another room? My husband has been sleeping in another room but cooperates to satisfy physical needs( which is decreasing day by day). Is he suppressing sexual urges ? Hegives me the reason that I go to sleep too soon and he cannot see me sleeping.

[momtario]

Kalsud, that is a really great question, that would probably get the best replies on the Staying Board, and the answers you get may help other people on Staying as well. As far as I know it isn't abnormal for pwBPD to sleep in a separate room, during the push cycle, but if you start a discussion on it, you would probably get a really great explanation as to why and what is going on in their heads when they do this.  Take care, and I hope he goes back soon.

[kalsud]

Hi momtario,
Shall I post it on Staying Board?
Kalsud

[momtario]

I definitely think that it would make a good discussion that would benefit everyone over there  Go for it

[committed]

My BF always sleeps with me. But, i do know other couples that sleep separately because they have trouble sleeping, particularly as people age...and it doesn't have anything to do with BPD. My parents have slept in separate bedrooms for years...after all of us kids moved out on our own.

[JustSaying]

When X started turning her rages against D, I lost all desire to stay in the marriage. I started detaching from her emotionally and all ways. Couldn't love someone who would mistreat my daughter. I moved out of the bedroom and could finally sleep at night rather than lie next to her staring at the ceiling.

There are all sorts of reasons people have separate sleeping spaces. For most, it's not healthy for the relationship. If you take him at his word on the reason for it, how might you approach a solution? And if you have doubts on the reason, how might you approach discussing this with him?

[gina louise]

Kalsud,
My UBDH and I have never spent ONE night in the same bed together. we have always slept separate due to his *sleep issues*-even while dating. I was always willing to be accommodating.
While dating, I slept in his kids bed, the floors of hotels, on a twin air mattress-you name it. I would never put up with that NOW! I think my self respect has grown a bit during this time!

Now we have had separate rooms(all my personal stuff is in MY room) for the first year as a married couple-although I objected strongly.
We look like room mates to anyone who visits! I don't LIKE that!
I told him that it's a rift in our closeness as a couple, and I feel rejected when I am told to leave his bed after cuddling or sex (otherwise he is sexual and affectionate with me. on his terms)

He compromised and we had a king sized bed on order-we even mattress shopped and he paid for our selection- A GLORIOUS memory foam mattress set-but finally after several weeks of stalling he cancelled the order.(and finally told me days later)

Now I feel it's more about control of his environment-and of me. But that's gonna cause another blow up! So for now I will stay quiet .

For the record-my parents never slept together (My Dad and Mom were both tall, large people and my Dad had sleep issues as well)-they had separate beds in the same large master bedroom-the beds were about a foot apart.
So it's not unusual in my experience...it's just the way it's being done in my r/s that feels wrong to me.

[yeeter]

I sleep in a separate room than my wife (on a futon on the floor).  This was after she kicked me out of the bedroom during a rage.

15 months later we 'reconciled' to work on the marriage (and started up with sexual relations again).  BUT - for various reasons I still sleep on my office floor.  Its 'calmer' there, and I dont have the overhead of all the night time stuff that my wife has to do. 

Its far from ideal imo - never thought I would ever do this.  But at the same time, there are a lot of things about the relationship I never thought I would do.

Ironically, the harder bedding has improved the health of my back.  And I sleep better.  After sex/cuddling I get up and leave her bedroom, which is a little awkward at times.  The kids call it 'moms bedroom' and 'dads bedroom', and my 7 year old asked me once 'are you still sleeping on the floor?" - I said yes - he replied "thats not good". 

I have accepted it.  Its not all bad - I can listen to a little radio at night which I enjoy.  I know a lot of people do it (especially years ago).  At some point I will either move back into 'her' bedroom or get a real mattress for me.  (ask me in 6-12 months which occurred)

Definitely dont worry about what other people may think.

[kalsud]

Hi  Everyone,
Thanx for the response.
Its gr8 to know I am not alone.
Yesterday Night I handled the rage of  my uBPDh rather well  when at night he got upset by my D20's behaviour. Thanx to my invalidation he calmed off.
Yesterday a friend (male) of my D20 made a comment on my uBPDh 's playing cards on computer all the time,he got enraged but this morning he did not open the computer till his routine started.
He shopped for himself,went for morning walk today morning which are the good signs but they do not last long.
kalsud

[an0ught]

Hi kalsud,

Yesterday Night I handled the rage of  my uBPDh rather well  when at night he got upset by my D20's behaviour. Thanx to my validation he calmed off.

Yesterday a friend (male) of my D20 made a comment on my uBPDh 's playing cards on computer all the time,he got enraged but this morning he did not open the computer till his routine started.

Unvarnished feedback is not so welcome an the friend most likely invalidated your husband in the process. But the message got through. Here SET (see workshops) can make a big difference and it is important to realize even if we don't get an immediate acknowledgment respectful feedback can have an impact.

He shopped for himself,went for morning walk today morning which are the good signs but they do not last long.

Good that he is doing something for himself.

Have you given him some positive feedback?

[kalsud]

Yes anOught,
I gave a positive feedback.
Now the trouble is he thinks he has made himself impotent and cannot have sex. What should I do?
Does Reiki help such patients?
Kalsud

[LoveNotWar]

I had to laugh when I read " made himself impotent" although I know it's not the least bit funny to live with...oh the drama!

 My BPDh makes himself all kind of things, lately he has arthritis but wait till it's water ski season again, he will be miraculously cured.  He also has a TBI from a terrible motorcycle crash, that's legit, but EVERYTHING he doesn't want to do he "forgets" he was supposed to do it and blames it on the TBI. Pretty darn convenient if you ask me. 

But to answer your post, no he does not sleep in a separate room. At least not by HIS choice. No matter what happened during the day, he could have lectured me about leaving the bathroom light on, refused to speak to me, not offered love or affection at all, but at night he turns into a regular cuddle bunny.  I wonder if he just doesn't know how to accept love and affection in the light of day but at night it seems OK somehow.

Sometimes I do sleep in my office, at least I did until he broke through the door and trashed the room. Now I am in my own apartment on a Therapeutic separation. So I guess we DO have separate rooms  .

[an0ught]

I gave a positive feedback.

Does Reiki help such patients?

Will attention help a drama focused person: YES. Will it fix the problem: NO. Will it teach that drama is leading to attention: YES.

Now the trouble is he thinks he has made himself impotent and cannot have sex. What should I do?

It seems HE got a problem there. He needs to solve it or maybe an expert. You are not an expert so you can't comment. Neither can I.

You can validate that he got a problem, he is afraid, this is distressful etc. but stay away from making suggestions. This is as much about validation as it is about boundaries/limits, ensuring he cares for himself and is not using his spurious problems to manipulate you.

[Auspicious]

No, sleeping in other rooms and impotence are not symptoms of BPD.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/


Now, does BPD make it more difficult to deal with problems? Often. But that doesn't make everything that's a problem part of BPD.

[kalsud]

Hi, Hi!
Anought,as I thought of the matter 'that he is making himself impotent' and the other day I read article about the Extiction Bursts ,this could be one of his tactics. Today he said sorry for not having sex till I begged tough he did not give in...
Lovenotwar,mine is the opposite case,he is normal during the day and behaves weirdly during the nights. But since three months he has been sleeping in other room,he bothers only when he is into rage.
auspicious, I think so too that BPD magnify the problems they have to get attention. or to manipulate us.

[Auspicious]

No, BPD is not about "tactics" or "manipulation".

BPD is an actual mental illness.

BPD-influenced behavior can feel like tactics or manipulation to us. And that is our emotional problem to deal with.

[CodependentHusband]

I think Auspicious is right. It's hard to understand, but he's not doing any of this on purpose. I don't know if it helps you to make any sense of this or not, but it sure has helped me to make sense of these behaviors to understand that these are symptoms.

[kalsud]

HI
Codependanthusband and Auspicious,
Have you also experienced Extinction Bursts?

[CodependentHusband]

oh yes! And they are usually not pretty. To be honest, I can't usually tell that it was an extinction burst when it is happening. It seems like just another rage episode. It's usually when I think back over what happened that I realize it was an extinction burst over some particular boundary I have enforced.

[Auspicious]

oh yes! And they are usually not pretty. To be honest, I can't usually tell that it was an extinction burst when it is happening. It seems like just another rage episode. It's usually when I think back over what happened that I realize it was an extinction burst over some particular boundary I have enforced.

Yes, likewise.