Karma beats them

[Think About It...]

As I'm right in the middle of the healing process, I still am oscillating between anger and acceptance. At anger, I feel like taking my revenge but most people here asked me not to, as BPDs are their own walking karmas.

Don't take me wrong, I am a very forgiving, religious person. I help people and do not ask for anything in return. I wish every human well in everything they do. But I also do believe in good and evil and when evil steals all my good and becomes evil to me, I do sympathise with justice in our destiny.

I met my exuBPDgf in the summer of 2010 when she was a hopeless jobless hot and interesting girl with whom I developed a strong friendship for a year. Then she came to my country a year after we met and started our relationship. As she had no friends at all in my country, just a few acquaintances, I took her under my wing. My social life is very active and I introduced her to tons of friends and took care of her everyday. I spent endless hours with her, trained her for the interviews she got, helped her logistically, revamped her resume, cooked for her, advised her on her career plans, boosted her confidence and self-esteem continuously, etc.

When she got the job in another country, she told me she had someone who she called a "friend" there whom I found out she had a triangulating (read definition) relationship with, who was so impressive professionally, but that she was going to leave him for me and asked me to wait for her, etc. Turns out the guy is an NPD who never helped her in anything, just used her money and sex, and I eventually found out they were seeing each other, after which I broke the whole thing. The guy convinced her that I was a low-life liar who doesn't love her and who manipulated her into loving me, and yes she did accuse me of crazy things and insulted me out of the blue. That I was a man of no principles, who took advantage of her. And she fell for him and his lies, and happily accept the breakup with me (i'm omitting the details about the emotional roller coaster ride).

Yesterday, that "professionally impressive" guy who trashed me, the only person who cared for her and who helped her get close to her professional dream, who loved her unconditionally with all my heart, got a major warning at work for low performance. This guy made fun of her everytime she asked for help in her job hunt, and trashed talked her publicly. He is basically indirectly asked to gtfo, as they don't "fire" people in that country and that's the way they do it. If he does get kicked out, he might be asked to leave the country and she won't have no one there and she can't follow him.

As my friend told me, this is the beginning of the end for her. I don't mean to be mean. I know how horrible it is to lose a job (I kind of lost mine because of her), and I know how horrible it is for her to be alone. However, sometimes they must taste one last scoop of sour so they can wake up and realize they need treatment (advice from my psychiatrist friend).

Karma DOES exist. Good luck for all those in the "i-want-revenge" phase. Do not do anything yourself. Justice will eventually be served, hopefully for the best of all.

[Kminery]

As I'm right in the middle of the healing process, I still am oscillating between anger and acceptance. At anger, I feel like taking my revenge but most people here asked me not to, as BPDs are their own walking karmas.

Don't take me wrong, I am a very forgiving, religious person. I help people and do not ask for anything in return. I wish every human well in everything they do. But I also do believe in good and evil and when evil steals all my good and becomes evil to me, I do sympathise with justice in our destiny.

I met my exuBPDgf in the summer of 2010 when she was a hopeless jobless hot and interesting girl with whom I developed a strong friendship for a year. Then she came to my country a year after we met and started our relationship. As she had no friends at all in my country, just a few acquaintances, I took her under my wing. My social life is very active and I introduced her to tons of friends and took care of her everyday. I spent endless hours with her, trained her for the interviews she got, helped her logistically, revamped her resume, cooked for her, advised her on her career plans, boosted her confidence and self-esteem continuously, etc.

When she got the job in another country, she told me she had someone who she called a "friend" there whom I found out she had a triangulating (read definition) relationship with, who was so impressive professionally, but that she was going to leave him for me and asked me to wait for her, etc. Turns out the guy is an NPD who never helped her in anything, just used her money and sex, and I eventually found out they were seeing each other, after which I broke the whole thing. The guy convinced her that I was a low-life liar who doesn't love her and who manipulated her into loving me, and yes she did accuse me of crazy things and insulted me out of the blue. That I was a man of no principles, who took advantage of her. And she fell for him and his lies, and happily accept the breakup with me (i'm omitting the details about the emotional roller coaster ride).

Yesterday, that "professionally impressive" guy who trashed me, the only person who cared for her and who helped her get close to her professional dream, who loved her unconditionally with all my heart, got a major warning at work for low performance. This guy made fun of her everytime she asked for help in her job hunt, and trashed talked her publicly. He is basically indirectly asked to gtfo, as they don't "fire" people in that country and that's the way they do it. If he does get kicked out, he might be asked to leave the country and she won't have no one there and she can't follow him.

As my friend told me, this is the beginning of the end for her. I don't mean to be mean. I know how horrible it is to lose a job (I kind of lost mine because of her), and I know how horrible it is for her to be alone. However, sometimes they must taste one last scoop of sour so they can wake up and realize they need treatment (advice from my psychiatrist friend).

Karma DOES exist. Good luck for all those in the "i-want-revenge" phase. Do not do anything yourself. Justice will eventually be served, hopefully for the best of all.

[redfeather]

glad you are feeling better! Karma may work slow sometimes or we may never see it but can you imagine having to go through life that scared? messed up?

[rooftop]

Hi Kminery- the thing about Karma is that you can never wish it or wait for it to happen, the universe will simply make it happen as "what goes around, comes around" saying always raise its head at one point..You are a great person, thats all you need to focus on.

[redberry]

I agree.  Karma eventually comes their way and knocks them on their rear when they least expect it.  Knowing some things about my ex's past, I can see more than a few times where karma has rightfully played its ugly hand.  Disordered or not, what one puts out into the universe (good or bad) comes back to us, multiplied.  There is some comfort in that reality.

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for members with failed or failing relationships that want to detach from their relationship and relationship wounds. If you are still analyzing the decision to stay, please post on Undecided: Staying or Leaving All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[GreenMango]

I don't believe in Karma...I believe in patterns and chance.  If a person continues to operate in negative pattern then the odds are at one point there is a chance that something negative will result.  I think the same is true for positives.  Not sure how Karmic it is to connect mysticism with justifying punishment or revenge.

I know the things they have done can be really hurtful...but it is mental illness and begs the question how much can you hold someone with a mental illness accountable?

Live and let live,
GM

[Faded]

Karma is balance, something a pwBPD will never have unless dealt with.

BPD will beat BPD, They search for each object as required so even if something happened that we could consider as karma the BPD would just view it as someone elses wrong doing so it wouldnt even affect them any differently to how everyday life is for them.


Karma is something we see as something bad happening to someone who has done bad themselves.

Karma is not an event.


Im actually interested myself now this is mentioned in learning more about what karma is rather than how we actually percieve it be some form of revenge that we can sit around and wait for to happen, rubbing our hands glee with the delight of saying 'i told you so, i knew it would come back you in a bad way one day'

Im off to google 'what is karma'  

[Faded]

I like this bit of info ive quickly picked up...


Karma is within ourselves, we have control of our karma not others.

Viewing it that way i can see my ex already has her own karma out of control.

My karma? i can now start looking at it and working on it so it doesnt bite me.  
How about your karma?

[KE151]

Very good thread.

I think I may have been Karma for my exuBPDgf. Let me explain.

She always cheated on her partners. She had a preference for married family men. She has never been dumped and has always been the one who ended it (at 34 yrs, she's had dozens if r/s), and she was sooo proud of it. She has caused so much pain and shame to people around her.

I cheated on her (God forgive me someday please). I threw her out of my and my kids' life. I think she has hit rock bottom (although I'm sure she'll surface in due time). I'm NC. I started to act like a BPD myself and she got the taste of it. Not sure she gets it the same way though.

[FriedaB]

GM:  I  agree  with  you  about  chance  and  patterns,  but  I  do  think  they  need  to  be  held  accountable...If  my  BPD/npd  mother,  for  example  decides  shes  going  to  self  injure  and  then  call  911so  she  can  screw  my  poor  (non)  father  in  the  divorce  settlement,  is  this  ok ?   If  my  pwBPD  decides  pawn  her  parents  wedding  rings  because  she  needs  the  money  to  buy  substances  that  will  calm  her  inner  turmoil,  is  this  acceptable  too?  Actions  have  consequences,  and  many  of  them  do  understand  right  from  wrong...they  just  dont  care.  I  agree,  however,  its  not  our  task  to  instill  "morality"  in  them...better  to  save  our  energies  to  heal  and  improve  ourselves.

[KE151]

Someone said karma goes both ways...

I think the lesson for me is to do good things, live well, treat myself and others with respect and maybe...just maybe, someday all that will come to me.

[rooftop]

Someone said karma goes both ways...

I think the lesson for me is to do good things, live well, treat myself and others with respect and maybe...just maybe, someday all that will come to me.

KE151-  good things wil defintely come your  way living with those values..no doubt!

[FriedaB]

Someone said karma goes both ways...

I think the lesson for me is to do good things, live well, treat myself and others with respect and maybe...just maybe, someday all that will come to me.

 

[NevestNA]

I do believe in a karma of sorts, but the thing I've realized is that my definition of good karma may not necessarily be the same definition of anybody else's. I think of it more logically than spiritually. I think of it more along the lines of a 'pay it forward' paradigm, or more to the point, 'reap what you sow'.

Here's the rub. I think karma is closely tied to our own individual values and how well we understand and behave in support of those values. As an example, I value long-term connections with others that deepen and grow over time. Because of this value, I intrinsically live my life by fostering open communication, conscious tolerance, consistent investment in relationships, etc. Those behaviors (typically) deliver predictable "karma" of deeply satisfying long-term friendships. Really nothing more than logical results based on how I live my life.

Another person may not have similar values. So, while I may see someone who routinely experiences intense, chaotic, and short-lived relationship "disasters" as bad karma, to that person it isn't bad karma at all. That person might not share my value of stability. The paradigm remains intact, however, because the behaviors do indeed product predictable results. If a person engages in dishonest communication, intolerance, and a lack of consistency in relationships, it follows that s/he will reap what's sown: chaotic interpersonal drama.

This was just an illustrative example of what I mean: I think we should be aware that our definition of a good outcome may not be universally shared, especially by disordered folks. We may value job growth, as another example, but they may not. The behaviors - actions - will usually tell the tale regarding what a person truly values at heart, and the kind of karma s/he's after. Scratch beneath the grandiose gestures, idealization phase, "hot" looks, pretty words etc etc and look at the total picture over the course of the entire relationship and I think many of us will find the truth about this.

I've come to understand that I value stability, calmness, and consistency in a romantic relationship. I've learned a lot about those values by my involvement with my ex. Before that relationship, they were nebulous and undefined and I had no boundaries regarding them because of lack of understanding. I certainly wasn't honoring those values through my own behavior. If I had been honoring them, and honoring myself, it would have been inconceivable to continue in the face of instability, chaos, and inconsistency! I would have terminated the relationship as simply not in line with what I really value in life. Instead, I tried to change him, which is really rather presumptuous of me.

He doesn't share the same values, and that is his right. He will continue to "reap" a lot drama, conflict, and eventual "disillusionment" in relationships and ping-pong from one intense relationship to the next. He'll also continue to "reap" poor financial stability and one monetary crisis after another. Those examples sound like exceedingly bad karma to me, but it might not be to him. I have to accept that this existence may be exactly how he likes it to be.

[GreenMango]

GM:  I  agree  with  you  about  chance  and  patterns,  but  I  do  think  they  need  to  be  held  accountable...If  my  BPD/npd  mother,  for  example  decides  shes  going  to  self  injure  and  then  call  911so  she  can  screw  my  poor  (non)  father  in  the  divorce  settlement,  is  this  ok ?   If  my  pwBPD  decides  pawn  her  parents  wedding  rings  because  she  needs  the  money  to  buy  substances  that  will  calm  her  inner  turmoil,  is  this  acceptable  too?  Actions  have  consequences,  and  many  of  them  do  understand  right  from  wrong...they  just  dont  care.  I  agree,  however,  its  not  our  task  to  instill  "morality"  in  them...better  to  save  our  energies  to  heal  and  improve  ourselves.

Hey FriedaB,

You hit on a very important point about the unacceptability of their behavior.  It sucks watching them victimize others and I don't believe that we should reserve judgment on their poor behavior...or not call them to the carpet on the inappropriateness of it.

Hopefully there are lessons in the results of their actions...not sure if it is karma.  This is why our boundaries are so important.

I question whether they would be able to even see or fully comprehend the Karma because it would require some form of ability to self-reflect and tie their behavior to effect.  It is really sad actually for all involved.

GM

[truly amazed]

Hi,

Karma ... oh how I have struggled with this one.
Given the chance to totally change both of the people who betrayed me I chose not to act despite extreme provication ... I turned the other cheek and let karma take its toll.

Well the living hell I was put thru and told it was all me despite now knowing it was the same for every other partner in my ex's life ... I had a choice to act and change her new partners life in a major way and also hers ... I choce and a consious decision I stuggled with as I was attacked not to do anything.

Funny how things turn out and the new perfect couple on the outside ... has hit more roadblocks than even our rocky relationship did ... of course they cant ever change but being told by mutual friends how happy and perfect they are ... was a pain. Truth now out they have been both cheating on each other and the turmoil I endured is nothing compared to the fireworks even the brief glimpses seen from the outside are showing.

Karma in the case of someone seriosuly ill is not an issue. We worry that they will change or it was all us ... someone who has used these techniquies and ways of dealing with things usually since being age 5 cant and will not change. Eventually the same we endured will come out and in spades as they never stopped to think what happened with us ... reflect ... grow or learn.

I take no great pleasure out of knowing things are unchanged ... it is however a validation if one needed it that what happened to me ... her previous partner and the three previous to that ... we are all the same. As for the guy she cheated with on me ... and is now with ... karma takes care of its own.

Cheers

[redberry]

Oh I would never say that I am able to control someone else's karma, or that I am responsible for someone else's karma.  I don't think our BPD exes who are suffering through their bad karma even realize why their lives seem to be one major misfortune after another.  Because they can't introspect, it is likely they will never know that they are causing their own misery.

The universe has a way of balancing things out, though.  Disordered or not, people who hurt others eventually get what is coming to them, two fold.