how can i make things better

[Think About It...]

not sure where to start here,but i can try
this is the first time in over a year and a half that ive come 2 the end of the line and not sure where to turn.
thot i could handle things,love him help him and care about him.
but i dont even no who he is anymore,or myself 4 that matter.
met him about 3yr ago,took things real slow,new he was on meds but he told me they were for deppression,i trusted and belived him thick i no.
turs out he has bad BPD and i just wonder if its an excuse at times as he tells me its not him thats bad its that i bring out the bad him.
i gave up my family,home and friends to move away from scotland,now stuck in england and dont no a single person as i dont go out,yesterday was bad as hes never been violent to me till then,just want to talk to some1 that understands

[lostinlimbo]

not sure where to start here,but i can try
this is the first time in over a year and a half that ive come 2 the end of the line and not sure where to turn.
thot i could handle things,love him help him and care about him.
but i dont even no who he is anymore,or myself 4 that matter.
met him about 3yr ago,took things real slow,new he was on meds but he told me they were for deppression,i trusted and belived him thick i no.
turs out he has bad BPD and i just wonder if its an excuse at times as he tells me its not him thats bad its that i bring out the bad him.
i gave up my family,home and friends to move away from scotland,now stuck in england and dont no a single person as i dont go out,yesterday was bad as hes never been violent to me till then,just want to talk to some1 that understands

[modelc]

I understand!   Hi!      I met my BPDH last year.  He made me feel incredible.  We did however have a rocky time of it because we would date and a few weeks later, he would end it.   Then he would want to get back together.  He moved back to his home state 16 hrs away.  We continued to talk or argue and within 4 months we were engaged and 4 months later we were married.  3 months later, he left again to go back home.  He has now been asking me to rent out my house and move to be with him.  At times...I have considered it, but everyone, including his ex wife have begged me not to because they know I will probably be homeless within a few months.  He wants to control me, get rid of my friends, etc...isolate me.  I'm struggling with not going because I truly miss him.  He has only been gone a month and it seems to be getting harder to deal with instead of easier.  It actually scares me when I think I would consider renting out my own home to go be with him in isolation.
I cannot imagine how scary that must be for you.  Are there any support groups there locally you could join...women's groups?  Luckily, at least now, we have the internet that helps us find things like that so much easier.

[Marvin Martian]

not sure where to start here,but i can try
this is the first time in over a year and a half that ive come 2 the end of the line and not sure where to turn.
thot i could handle things,love him help him and care about him.
but i dont even no who he is anymore,or myself 4 that matter.
met him about 3yr ago,took things real slow,new he was on meds but he told me they were for deppression,i trusted and belived him thick i no.
turs out he has bad BPD and i just wonder if its an excuse at times as he tells me its not him thats bad its that i bring out the bad him.
i gave up my family,home and friends to move away from scotland,now stuck in england and dont no a single person as i dont go out,yesterday was bad as hes never been violent to me till then,just want to talk to some1 that understands

I can only imagine moving from another country, and giving up your home & friends & family. Its obvious you care about him.
 But I would encourage you to learn rule #1. Take care of yourself first. If he is violent to you please leave post haste. I mean immediately.  I realize the compassion we feel for them, as they do have a disorder. But there is never an excuse for violence. It will hurt, but it is better to be away.

[jessicapuppy]

turs out he has bad BPD and i just wonder if its an excuse at times as he tells me its not him thats bad its that i bring out the bad him.

That last part of the sentence can be looked at without the need of a BPD label!  That is the most common line of any abuser, when beating his partner!

BPD does NOT excuse abuse, and you need to remove yourself from a dangerous situation!  People with BPD suffer extremes of emotion, and so combine that with a violent man, and you have a potentially very dangerous situation!

If needs be, for now, get yourself to a women's refuge. 

If you let this go, you are not sticking to boundaries.  You are giving a very clear message, when you stay in that situation.

JP
x

[LoveNotWar]

Justchatkatie, I was in a similar situation. I moved cross country to marry my BPDh after two years of a long distance relationship. Left a great job, rented out my home, left my friends.

It was good for about 6 months then the BPD behavior started. He also became physically abusive. I remember the first time he really hurt me, I was walking down the stairs away from him, he was raging, and he threw a book at me. It hit me in the back of the head. Then he said that wasn't supposed to hit you, you moved. Yikes, like it was MY fault.

I did not know what I was dealing with and did not set firm boundaries. I tried to reason with him, tried to justify myself, I argued, I  cried all the time which was guaranteed to trigger him, it was horrible. He was diagnosed BPD in he midst of all this.

Then he broke my arm in a rage one night when I told him I had to move out and was getting an apartment.

I tell you this because setting boundaries and not tolerating the abuse is really very important. I wish I would have known about setting boundaries and taking a time out BEFORE it got so bad.

My h and I are mending and healing, he did decide to get treatment after he broke my arm. We are on a therapeutic separation as we both work to make our relationship better and things are MUCH better now. One reason is because I have learned to set firm and consistent boundaries!

Please read about boundaries on this site. And DO NOT stay for abuse. I wish I wouldn't have.

[jessicapuppy]

Some boundary links:

Boundaries Tools of Respect

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

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