I want to be there for her...

[Think About It...]

My wife(BPD) of five years and I try to have a very open and honest relationship about our pasts. Every once in a while I'll find out about something that I didn't already know. Last night I found out she had a sexual relationship with a guy that I know from a long time ago. No big deal, but I was like hey, how come u never mentioned that. She says I don't need to know everything. Then she blurts out that she was raped 10 years ago and had never told a single soul EVER, until she just told me. We both cried and cried. I want to be there for her, support her, and remind her that it wasn't her fault and I don't find her gross or whatever. She is in therapy and hasn't even ever told her therapist before! Anyhow, I'm afraid this is going to send her into an episode. You know what I'm talking about. And eventually back to the hospital. I'm going with her to her next therapy session and hope to encourage her to talk about it then. At the same time, I'm feeling overwhelmed with feelings of rage. I've never wanted to hurt someone like this before. ANyone else ever experienced something like this?

[niu02kevin]

My wife(BPD) of five years and I try to have a very open and honest relationship about our pasts. Every once in a while I'll find out about something that I didn't already know. Last night I found out she had a sexual relationship with a guy that I know from a long time ago. No big deal, but I was like hey, how come u never mentioned that. She says I don't need to know everything. Then she blurts out that she was raped 10 years ago and had never told a single soul EVER, until she just told me. We both cried and cried. I want to be there for her, support her, and remind her that it wasn't her fault and I don't find her gross or whatever. She is in therapy and hasn't even ever told her therapist before! Anyhow, I'm afraid this is going to send her into an episode. You know what I'm talking about. And eventually back to the hospital. I'm going with her to her next therapy session and hope to encourage her to talk about it then. At the same time, I'm feeling overwhelmed with feelings of rage. I've never wanted to hurt someone like this before. ANyone else ever experienced something like this?

[SmileAnyway]

Yes, your feelings are borne of love and are totally natural.  Though they need to be controlled and not expressed otherwise it's you that will suffer lose of liberty.  I think you need to discuss this with the T as a matter of urgency, even if one to one.

Unfortunately our loved ones with BPD are deep waters - the BPD is a product of their life experience, known or locked away inside them.  It's good she got it out and you should feel privileged she expressed this to you.  If she is in T this suggests a willingness in her art to work on herself.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello My Friend:

I am very sorry to hear that.  I hope that your wife is getting some therapy and I hope that you will also consider counseling for yourself.  This is to give you both tools to overcome the trauma.  I am a big believer in good professional help because I believe that then a person does not fight overwhelming odds all alone, that there are adequate tools (weapons) available and that the counselor is also an ally watching your back.

Your outrage is a natural result of your love for your wife.  Please channel the anger and outrage that you feel and harness it to change this energy into a force of healing for yourself and for her.

Please stay with us on this board and as you read more, you will begin to understand that there are definite tools/lessons that can usher in peace within and with-out of ourselves.

God bless.

[an0ught]

My wife(BPD) of five years and I try to have a very open and honest relationship about our pasts. Every once in a while I'll find out about something that I didn't already know. Last night I found out she had a sexual relationship with a guy that I know from a long time ago. No big deal, but I was like hey, how come u never mentioned that. She says I don't need to know everything. Then she blurts out that she was raped 10 years ago and had never told a single soul EVER, until she just told me. We both cried and cried. I want to be there for her, support her, and remind her that it wasn't her fault and I don't find her gross or whatever. She is in therapy and hasn't even ever told her therapist before! Anyhow, I'm afraid this is going to send her into an episode. You know what I'm talking about. And eventually back to the hospital. I'm going with her to her next therapy session and hope to encourage her to talk about it then. At the same time, I'm feeling overwhelmed with feelings of rage. I've never wanted to hurt someone like this before. ANyone else ever experienced something like this?

As others have said your anger is natural as you love her. Keep in mind your emotions are to some extent hers and they have been transferred to you. And they were inside her before at times whether you saw them or not. 

While you fear she is melting down during this crisis these emotions make sense and she is crying, talking and processing it - this is somewhat healthy. Your support of her is validating. These are extreme and scary emotions and if she feels a need to talk about it then it would be very helpful to have a T too to lean on for her.

[LoveNotWar]

AnOught, you decorated your egg...very cool!
LNW

[Auspicious]

Managing your own rage is one issue - see a therapist for yourself, if  you need to. 


Regarding the trauma in your wife's past ... I'd be cautious and not think that you have to encourage her to talk about it.

My wife's therapist doesn't even want her to work on it in therapy until she has a very, very solid foundation of DBT.

[an0ught]

Good point Auspicious   ,

as partners we are here to support in an emergency. In a true emergency like this stuff coming out the first time we have to listen, validate and support. But then there are also limits to the support and also limits in the role of a intimate partner. Trauma can bond and while bonding is good but in general we in a codependent-BPD relationship are often enmeshed and could do with being a little less close.

Some stuff is better handled by others for a number of obvious and less obvious reasons.

[Auspicious]

Some stuff is better handled by others for a number of obvious and less obvious reasons.

Want to be clear that it can actually be dangerous. It's one of the reasons that "conventional therapy" seemed to be actually counterproductive with BPD, and Linehan had to develop a whole new treatment model.

People who can safely process emotions can benefit from talking them over in therapy. But people who need DBT need to develop basic skills in simply processing strong emotions at all.


So when we nons try to get someone with BPD to talk about trauma, not only are we playing therapist (not good), we are playing at a counterproductive therapeutic model (extra not good).