I'm wondering how my BPDw will be with me.

[Think About It...]

I'm wondering how my BPDw will be with me. You see, I am 67, and she is 50. I came into her life when she was really depressed, and I was able to inspire her. She then got all kinds of counseling and feels like she is on top of the world. In many ways, she feels that I am supposedly at the bottom of the world, which is so far from the truth. I am much more realistic overall. A neighbor of ours is 86 and had smoked for some 40 years. He unfortunately has a bad case of emphysema. He recently spent some 10 days in the hospital on special oxygen. He returned home just today. I mentioned what happened to him to my BPDw, and she basically degraded him for causing this problem onto himself. Bottom line, while I agree that he created this problem for himself, I do not write him off. However, she has written him off, but will be really fake and seemingly supportive of him when she sees him. In contrast, I have cared a lot to call him in the hospital, and she never once felt the need to do that at all. So, what I'm wondering is how my BPDw will be with me when I am even older, should I have health issues. Is she going to degrade me and basically write me off? Incidentally, while she is concerned about me being healthy, I don't feel that she loves me. What do you folks think?

[Sensitive Man]

I'm wondering how my BPDw will be with me. You see, I am 67, and she is 50. I came into her life when she was really depressed, and I was able to inspire her. She then got all kinds of counseling and feels like she is on top of the world. In many ways, she feels that I am supposedly at the bottom of the world, which is so far from the truth. I am much more realistic overall. A neighbor of ours is 86 and had smoked for some 40 years. He unfortunately has a bad case of emphysema. He recently spent some 10 days in the hospital on special oxygen. He returned home just today. I mentioned what happened to him to my BPDw, and she basically degraded him for causing this problem onto himself. Bottom line, while I agree that he created this problem for himself, I do not write him off. However, she has written him off, but will be really fake and seemingly supportive of him when she sees him. In contrast, I have cared a lot to call him in the hospital, and she never once felt the need to do that at all. So, what I'm wondering is how my BPDw will be with me when I am even older, should I have health issues. Is she going to degrade me and basically write me off? Incidentally, while she is concerned about me being healthy, I don't feel that she loves me. What do you folks think?

[CaptainM]

Incidentally, while she is concerned about me being healthy, I don't feel that she loves me.

What's making you feel unloved Hanging?

[Auspicious]

If she has BPD, it will likely be difficult for her to handle the tough emotions involved with caretaking. Having BPD means difficulty handling tough emotions.

How exactly that will show up in her, nobody can truly predict.

[Sensitive Man]

My BPDw rarely looks at me, rarely relates to me, rarely will allow me to kiss her, has admitted that she has been verbally abusive with me, has told me that she has been pretending during this marriage, oftentimes tries to control what I do although she will say I should do my own thing, will prepare some meals, will devote endless hours away from our house, and will degrade me for not making enough money. By the way, my counselor has suggested that my BPDw might be having an affair, but I honestly don't know. I am retired. I have a fixed income. I have written and published 3 books. I have done workshops. I have done book signings. I continue writing books. Yet, the economy is such that very few sales have been made. We have not been intimate for almost 2 years. She has told me that she doesn't want to be intimate with me because she feels like my daughter instead of my wife.

[committed]

Sounds like there are several issues in your relationship going on...so sorry. I'm not a relationship counselor so I'll leave those alone. But, i will address your original question. I've come to the conclusion that more than likely my BF will not really be there for me if  were to get a serious illness or health concerns. Not because he doesn't care, but because he can't handle the emotions that go along with caring for a loved one. I had emergnecy surgery a couple of years ago and I had a backup plan because I didn't think he would show up. Surprisingly he did. He told me later that his inattention to the surgery at the time I told him about it was not that he didn't care, but was because it scared him that something would happen to me. As Auspicious said...people with BPD have difficulty handing tough emotions. Always good to have other friends or family members that you know will be there for you during those times.

[Sensitive Man]

I appreciate the feedback that you folks have been giving me. The signs of not being able to cope with tough emotions are also prevalent with my BPDw. Yet, while we all can understand and appreciate this, it seems rather selfish and unloving. It is selfish, because they are only thinking about themselves without any possible regard to the people who really need the help. It is unloving, because people will love one another "through sickness and health". Yes, it is good advice about having other people who can step up to the plate to help out, but, in my BPDw's case, I can almost anticipate it if my best friend were to help me if I am strickened, that my BPDw will feel insulted, jealous, and get angry.

[needbpdhelp]

She has told me that she doesn't want to be intimate with me because she feels like my daughter instead of my wife.

Can you try to find out if this is because of the age difference, or does she feel you treat her like a daughter?

NeedBPDhelp

[Sensitive Man]

I always treat her as an adult, as a partner, as a life partner. I never treat her like a child. She is my wife. It is due to our age difference, that is 17 years' difference that it bothers her unfortunately.

[Auspicious]

in my BPDw's case, I can almost anticipate it if my best friend were to help me if I am strickened, that my BPDw will feel insulted, jealous, and get angry.

She might. And yet, you will need help. You need to learn how to let go of trying to control and manage your wife's emotions.

[Auspicious]

Yet, while we all can understand and appreciate this, it seems rather selfish and unloving. It is selfish, because they are only thinking about themselves without any possible regard to the people who really need the help. It is unloving, because people will love one another "through sickness and health".

Well, we can't have it both ways.

We can't on the one hand say that this person is seriously mentally ill, with an illness that impairs their perception of reality, their thinking, emotional control, and behavior, and then out of the other side of our mouth say that they are just choosing to be destructive out of bad intentions.

[modelc]

I can understand your question.  My BPDH and I found out I have MS about 3 months after we got married.  He made comments to me that I probably didn't even have MS...that I just wanted attention from my friends.  He left me after 4 months of marriage and said I would probably never find someone that would want to take care of my crippled a**.   It is scary to think they don't have the empathy to be there for us.

[CodependentHusband]

I've noticed a few things with my dBPDw... I think that she DOES have a hard time with things when she has strong emotions. She has told me in the past that when her father passes away at some point in the future (he's well into his 70's, that she will be relying on me to keep everything together, because she knows that she will lose it). also, this week, we had a death in the family. My wife has been VERY reluctant to talk much about it, to me mostly, but she really hasn't discussed it much with the rest of the family either.

Bottom line: I don't think that my wife can help this. So, what can i do about it? I can be glad that I have a wife that I love very much in my life, and accept her, along with all of her limitation, or I can do something else. I'd rather stay with her, but that's my choice. I wish that my wife could handle emotions, and if that was a choice, I would of course pick that... unfortunately, that one isn't on the list.

[Sensitive Man]

It seems rather strange. We nonBPDs feel that we have the love of our lives at the very beginning. We give them attention. They give us attention. There is empathy. Yet, when and if there are problems that will interfere with us giving them attention, then, there is a tendency for them to resist. It is too bad that we do not have the ability to anticipate such changes. Indeed, they cannot handle such challenges as we would like. Molec, I sincerely do hope that you get or have all of the medical and emotional support that is available for you. If you have not thought about it already, you might want to do a google search for MS chat rooms and/or support groups. The best of luck to you!

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