Being Pushed Away vs. Our Need to Feel Needed

[Think About It...]

This week has been a bit rough on the personal front... for me, but for my dBPDw more so. Our niece took her own life on Sunday night, and my wife is obviously affected deeply by the reality of this tragedy.

My niece, BIL, and SIL are a few hours away, so, some advanced planning had to be done on the part of my wife in order to attend the funeral. The arrangements were made Tuesday, and the tentative plan was to have the funeral on Friday. My wife is already covering for someone else in her department that is on vacation this week, so, it's been tough to try to juggle things so that she coule get off Friday. As things worked out, we found out late yesterday afternoon that BIL and SIL decided to have the funeral on Thursday (today) instead of Friday. My wife is crushed, because there is absolutely no way that she can make it to the funeral.


So, last night when I arrived home from work, my dBPDw started to pick a fight with me over something insignificant. I am observant enough to know now that it's not about what she is trying to argue with me about... it's about her feelings of frustration... possibly her feeling of being disregarded by her brother, since she was told that the funeral would be Friday, and she made plans to be there for him, and now she can't. You see, she wanted to be there for him... She wants to feel wanted and needed by her brother, because she loves him. It's one of teh things that gives her life purpose. Now, I realize that my grief-stricken BIL wasn't thinking about my wife's ability to be there when they agreed to have the funeral today, but I think that my wife's BPD is clouding this issue for her.

Anyway, after she started trying to pick a fight, I didn;t really take the bait, but she continued to pressure me anyway... was short in her responses. I tried to validate her feelings the best I could... no real affect... she wasn't open to it. Sometimes that happens. So, I did the next thing, which is to limit my direct interaction with her. Since we needed to plan on what time to leave today, I talked directly to my SD12 and SD14 about what time we would be leaving to get on the road, what they will be wearing to the funeral, etc. My wife overheard the planning, and said, "What are you talking about? Why aren't you coordinating this with me? I'll take care of this, even though i have to work tomorrow." Maybe it was my mistake for not directly discussing the plans with my wife first, but since she was so indifferent to me, I didn't think that she would be very cooperative anyway. So, I tried to validate her by telling her that I'm sorry I didn't ask her for input on what the girls would wear, etc... This wasn;t well received, as I expected, but I have to try to work the tools... Her response was, "You're patronizing me."

This morning is only going slightly better, but I suggested that we go down to visit BIL next week, after the smoke clears... He will need attention after afterwards too, due to the tragic situation. My wife seemed to be a little open to this, but still didn't say, "I love you" in response to my telling her that as I hung up.


The thing is... It's all going to be okay. But isn't it ironic that both me and my wife are trying to feel needed (me by her, and her by her brother), and for reasons beyond our control, that need isn't going to be met? I'm glad that I recognize this in myself, because I am not allowing myself to be hurt by her push behaviors.

[CodependentHusband]

This week has been a bit rough on the personal front... for me, but for my dBPDw more so. Our niece took her own life on Sunday night, and my wife is obviously affected deeply by the reality of this tragedy.

My niece, BIL, and SIL are a few hours away, so, some advanced planning had to be done on the part of my wife in order to attend the funeral. The arrangements were made Tuesday, and the tentative plan was to have the funeral on Friday. My wife is already covering for someone else in her department that is on vacation this week, so, it's been tough to try to juggle things so that she coule get off Friday. As things worked out, we found out late yesterday afternoon that BIL and SIL decided to have the funeral on Thursday (today) instead of Friday. My wife is crushed, because there is absolutely no way that she can make it to the funeral.


So, last night when I arrived home from work, my dBPDw started to pick a fight with me over something insignificant. I am observant enough to know now that it's not about what she is trying to argue with me about... it's about her feelings of frustration... possibly her feeling of being disregarded by her brother, since she was told that the funeral would be Friday, and she made plans to be there for him, and now she can't. You see, she wanted to be there for him... She wants to feel wanted and needed by her brother, because she loves him. It's one of teh things that gives her life purpose. Now, I realize that my grief-stricken BIL wasn't thinking about my wife's ability to be there when they agreed to have the funeral today, but I think that my wife's BPD is clouding this issue for her.

Anyway, after she started trying to pick a fight, I didn;t really take the bait, but she continued to pressure me anyway... was short in her responses. I tried to validate her feelings the best I could... no real affect... she wasn't open to it. Sometimes that happens. So, I did the next thing, which is to limit my direct interaction with her. Since we needed to plan on what time to leave today, I talked directly to my SD12 and SD14 about what time we would be leaving to get on the road, what they will be wearing to the funeral, etc. My wife overheard the planning, and said, "What are you talking about? Why aren't you coordinating this with me? I'll take care of this, even though i have to work tomorrow." Maybe it was my mistake for not directly discussing the plans with my wife first, but since she was so indifferent to me, I didn't think that she would be very cooperative anyway. So, I tried to validate her by telling her that I'm sorry I didn't ask her for input on what the girls would wear, etc... This wasn;t well received, as I expected, but I have to try to work the tools... Her response was, "You're patronizing me."

This morning is only going slightly better, but I suggested that we go down to visit BIL next week, after the smoke clears... He will need attention after afterwards too, due to the tragic situation. My wife seemed to be a little open to this, but still didn't say, "I love you" in response to my telling her that as I hung up.


The thing is... It's all going to be okay. But isn't it ironic that both me and my wife are trying to feel needed (me by her, and her by her brother), and for reasons beyond our control, that need isn't going to be met? I'm glad that I recognize this in myself, because I am not allowing myself to be hurt by her push behaviors.

[Peace4ME]

CH- I am so sorry for your loss. An unexpected loss can be trying on even the most stable of relationships.

While I haven't had to deal with the pain of a loss like yours I do understand the confusion you feel with the push/pull cycle and our own desire to feel needed. Its so hard to emotionally understand being pushed away by the person who you want to be strong for and look to for strength as well.

I am in my journey of addressing my codependence and so far it is going very well, but I wonder how my relationship will be during times like yours. I have had to be such a rock for my pwBPD and am learning to unenmesh and just be supportive instead of drowning in it all. Its hard for me to imagine him being there for me in a tragedy or when I am feeling emotionally weak.

I wish you strength and hope that she comes around to see that you are genuinely trying to help 

[committed]

So sorry you are dealing with this. She is going to be dysregulated for some time. Imagine the pain a well person would feel over this situation and then magnify that by 10. That is what she is feeling. I believe people with BPD experience their emotions so much more than the average person does. It's going to take time so try, as hard as it is, to validate and support her. And, don't be surprised if this comes up again weeks or even months from now. My BF lost a very close friend of his and had bouts of depression turned to dysregulation a couple of times over the following year. When I would finally get him to open up about what he was feeling, it always went back to his friend's death.

[Steph]

 Suicide is a terrible way to lose someone...I know this personally. It hits hard and deep and it had me in quite a spin last September when a close friend of mine ended his own life.

 Add BPD to the mix and all of the emotions she is feeling..

Why not simply ask her" I know you are going thru a terrible time right now. I want to be there for you and I dont know how. Please let me know how I can best help. I can also just steer clear for awhile, if you prefer that, but do know that I care and am here for you"

And leave that ball in her court...AND steer clear if she isnt excited to engage with you. SHe is really hurting right now..it makes sense..and while you want certain things from her, likely you wont see a return to baseline for awhile.

I am so sorry

[CodependentHusband]

Thanks, All!

Steph,
  Thanks... Good advice, I think. I had actually said just that very thing to her last night and twice today in two short emails to her. Now we are all back at home, and she's fairly calm, but distant. It's better than last night, because she's actually wanted to talk to me for a few minutes and isn't provoking me. My primary plan tonight will be to just give her space, unless she seems to want to talk. With this being a niece that lives out of town, and we haven't been that close to her for a number of years until last December, that's going to help, I think. In other words, it's no a family member that we would normally see very often, so the pain won't be as deep for my wife as it could be under different circumstances.