Constant "I give up" and "I can't do it"

[Think About It...]

I'm at a loss as to what to do.  My BPDw went through a period of a couple of months where things were relatively good.  Now she seems to be rapidly slipping into a depression and a state of disregulation.  Every single issue that comes up, big or small, whether it directly involves her or one of the kids, she emotionally shuts down.  As simple a thing as not knowing what to make for dinner, up to accademic issues conerning our oldest's upcoming university schooling next year.  The response is always the same.  In the middle of a discussion about the issue, she will either hang up the phone in my face or go into the bedroom and lock the door.  She will then text me one of the following comments "I give up", "I can't do it anymore", "I have nothing more to say", "Why bother"... Sometimes there is a follow up comment like "I just screw everything up" or "Everyone expects me to do everything".  And then, the conversation is done.  She shuts off her phone and/or gives me the silent treatment.

At this point, I'm left holding the bag trying to figure out how to resolve the issue while she is locked in her room refusing to take part.  I'm trying not to make this about me, but, the stress is becoming overwhelming.  Every thing that comes up in the day turns into a huge emotionally draining fiasco.   I fear she may be suicidal and when she won't communicate, I don't know where she is or what she is doing and this stresses me out as well.

I'm completely at a loss as to how to proceed.. Right now, I'm just not talking to her because this morning I got an "I give up, I'm done" email.  In the past I would chase after her and try to get her to talk about stuff, but I'm way to tired to keep doing that.  Don't have it in me anymore.

Anyone have any advice?  Thank you so much!

[breached]

I'm at a loss as to what to do.  My BPDw went through a period of a couple of months where things were relatively good.  Now she seems to be rapidly slipping into a depression and a state of disregulation.  Every single issue that comes up, big or small, whether it directly involves her or one of the kids, she emotionally shuts down.  As simple a thing as not knowing what to make for dinner, up to accademic issues conerning our oldest's upcoming university schooling next year.  The response is always the same.  In the middle of a discussion about the issue, she will either hang up the phone in my face or go into the bedroom and lock the door.  She will then text me one of the following comments "I give up", "I can't do it anymore", "I have nothing more to say", "Why bother"... Sometimes there is a follow up comment like "I just screw everything up" or "Everyone expects me to do everything".  And then, the conversation is done.  She shuts off her phone and/or gives me the silent treatment.

At this point, I'm left holding the bag trying to figure out how to resolve the issue while she is locked in her room refusing to take part.  I'm trying not to make this about me, but, the stress is becoming overwhelming.  Every thing that comes up in the day turns into a huge emotionally draining fiasco.   I fear she may be suicidal and when she won't communicate, I don't know where she is or what she is doing and this stresses me out as well.

I'm completely at a loss as to how to proceed.. Right now, I'm just not talking to her because this morning I got an "I give up, I'm done" email.  In the past I would chase after her and try to get her to talk about stuff, but I'm way to tired to keep doing that.  Don't have it in me anymore.

Anyone have any advice?  Thank you so much!

[RKV]

Hi,
Just the fact that you're on this board means that you haven't given up completely. You're at least trying to understand her and find a way to deal with her behavior in a constructive way. Those moments when defeatist attitudes show up are hard to deal with because no matter how much you try to help they figure out ways to say "it's not good enough".

Even if we "know" dealing with pwBPD is going to be difficult, that same frustration keeps creeping up because they fall into the same thinking patterns over and over again. Logic really has no value when a pwBPD becomes stressed.

Have you noticed if there's anything in particular (pattern-wise) about your discussions with your wife that might be triggering her?

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[breached]

I allow myself to get so angry and distressed over the lack of logic.  It drives me nuts, though I know it's part of the deal and I can't change it.

As for patterns, the general pattern is that we go through a period of time, usually up to a month where things are good.  She seems loving, and stable.  Then it's like she gets scared because she allowed me to get to close.  She then does what I call "case building"  When she is in this stage, she stops talking to me and I know she is devoting most of her time and mental energy to thinking up reasons why her life sucks, I suck, the neighbours suck, her family sucks, her friends suck...  Once she has built her "case" against the world,  she explodes into a period of complete disfunction where every word she speaks is negative, defeating, angry.  Self pity, self loathing and being a victim is the theme to everything.  And when it gets completely exhausting for me to deal with, and I start to pull away from her, she starts to try to pull me back by switching back to the "good" side.   Repeat.

[RKV]

Wow.

I always get chills reading descriptions on here because it's like the situations I keep getting into and the behaviors of individual pwBPD are so eerily similar. I can handle the blaming & whining, but yes, the distorting of facts to suit their warped perception is the #1 thing that drives me insane.

Unfortunately I figured the only thing that worked with them (my sister, and former SO) is just agreeing with them 100%, never challenging anything and pretending to buy into the "whole world is against me" mode. Obviously this can only be done for so long until you just outright hate being around them even more.

I'm sorry, I doubt any of that was helpful. It's the same situation (my sis) I'm in that still remains a mystery. Has she ever been to therapy before? Do you think she would be willing to try it?