About Staying

[Think About It...]

I made the decsion to stay a few years ago and mostly spend my time on that board.  But something happened today that I thought I might share over here. 

My secretary asked me for a day off next month so she could surprise her husband with a bunch of activities on his birthday.  She was very excited to tell me about her elaborate plans for the day, with all kinds of surprises and thoughtful gifts.  As I listened to her, all I could think was that in nearly 18 years of marriage my wife had probably not given as much thought to all of my birthdays as this woman was giving to just one of her husband's birthdays. I have to admit it hurt.

It's not the birhday thing that really got me.  It was the kindness that got me.  I can live with lousy birthdays, but living without a lot of kindness can be very hard indeed.

There is a lot to be said for staying.  Over there we are big into personal growth, taking control over our lives, and learning verbal and emotional communication techniques that really are valuable.  I am, without doubt, a stronger and healthier person for having stayed and put in the work.  I don't regret anything. 

But, the tools we use don't, and can't, change your partner.  There is no technique that can make someone show you kindness, patience, compassion, or love.  There are, however, ways to cope with the lack of these things in a healthier way.  If it doesn't sound like much of a life, well, some days it doesn't feel like much of a life.  Other days are better.   

 

[briefcase]

I made the decsion to stay a few years ago and mostly spend my time on that board.  But something happened today that I thought I might share over here. 

My secretary asked me for a day off next month so she could surprise her husband with a bunch of activities on his birthday.  She was very excited to tell me about her elaborate plans for the day, with all kinds of surprises and thoughtful gifts.  As I listened to her, all I could think was that in nearly 18 years of marriage my wife had probably not given as much thought to all of my birthdays as this woman was giving to just one of her husband's birthdays. I have to admit it hurt.

It's not the birhday thing that really got me.  It was the kindness that got me.  I can live with lousy birthdays, but living without a lot of kindness can be very hard indeed.

There is a lot to be said for staying.  Over there we are big into personal growth, taking control over our lives, and learning verbal and emotional communication techniques that really are valuable.  I am, without doubt, a stronger and healthier person for having stayed and put in the work.  I don't regret anything. 

But, the tools we use don't, and can't, change your partner.  There is no technique that can make someone show you kindness, patience, compassion, or love.  There are, however, ways to cope with the lack of these things in a healthier way.  If it doesn't sound like much of a life, well, some days it doesn't feel like much of a life.  Other days are better.   

 

[crystal]

This is a generous, honest post. 
Best to you.

Crystal

[GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board?]

GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Are you on the right board? This board is for analyzing and making the decision to either continue working on your relationship or to leave it. If you have already please advance to "L3 Leaving" or the "L4 Staying" board. All members living with a pwBPD should learn to use the Stop the Bleeding tools - boundaries, timeouts and other basic tools - to better manage the day to day interactions with your partner. If you have questions on any of the tools, feel free to go over to Staying: Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner and ask for help. :-)

[LostinBPDland]

I think you may touch a lot of people's feelings on this board with your post.  The Staying board does make a lot of us better.  But better for what?  So you can be an even better partner of someone with BPD? 

I know you've had a rough time of it.  Coming to the undecided board is part of your journey to what you really want but it is not your entire journey.

You sound like you are at the point of serious self-reflection and not concentrating on how you can you can make your SO's life better.  Eventually, you have to look at yourself.

Knowing you are a kind person is great. 

I like to put it this way to my SO:  A person can be a true lover of all animals.  But for a lot of us "NONs", that only gets you so far when you live with a Scorpion.

Good luck my friend.  Be true to yourself now.   

[jessicapuppy]

Hi there

I totally get what you are saying.  All of those qualities and sentiments were exactly what I missed from a partner.  For me, if I was going to put all of that work into a relationship, and change myself in order to cope, I was going to do it for someone who would work equally as hard, and nothing less.  When he refused to seek therapy and do his bit, that was the end for me.

Everyone is different, and different things make different people happy.  Some people may think me selfish for insisting that we both work on the relationship, and others would say I was stupid for ever being in the relationship in the first place.  I just did what was right for me.

JP
x

[Callmemark]

Excellent post. I've explained to some friends how, as crazy as it sounds I am a much better person because of this experience. I like to tell my wife that without her I would've never grown a spine.

And frankly in life that's served me well. I am far more assertive and have almost no tolerance for manipulation anywhere. I've taught my children how to recognize exploitation and to stand up to it.

And the greatest gift she gave me without knowing it, was she forced me to realize that I would really be ok alone. My fear of abandonment issues which were overwhelming even 5 years ago are under control now. I've learned to love time alone. And I do now KNOW no matter what she does, I will be alright.

[Callmemark]

In terms of what value our experiences have brought us, I wonder if I truly would be valuable in another relationship. I am afraid some of the defense mechanisms I've picked up could be detrimental in there. I may just end up really being an insensitive jerk in a normal relationship.

[briefcase]

Thanks for the responses.  I do think the "staying" skills are valuable outside the context of a BPD relationship.  Boundaries, good listening skills, and emotional validation are valuable tools in almost all situations.  

The staying skills can be a pathway to better relationship and life.  But, sometimes I think people get too invested in staying at all costs and can become stuck, clinging to these new skills and endlessly hoping their partners will eventually "get it" and somehow change.  Children, religuous values, and personal temperment all weigh on the decision to stay.

Sometimes leaving is the best option.  I've seen plenty of hurt people come to the boards and wonder why their attempts at emotional validation don't seem to have much effect on their abusive, alcoholic partner.  At the same time, I think some people leave without really absorbing what happened and learning from the experience.  Their posts are riddled with emotional enmeshment and anger toward the STBex, and contain zero insight about their own role in the relationship.  These poor souls seem destined to repeat their mistakes.

The goal, I think, is a happier life.  The truth is, we're here because we are, or have been, profoundly unhappy with our relationships and feel miserable.  Change of some kind is required.  Both staying and leaving offer the promise of positive change and happiness.  

At the same time, both staying and leaving carry some risks.   If you stay, you need to be honest and realistic about the relationship and what you can live with.  Stayers constantly have to beware of false hope and wishful thinking about a relationship that, frankly, may never meet your needs.  If you leave, you need to be careful to not just jump from one sinking ship to another because you didn't pause long enough to examine your role and learn from it.  

In the end, its a personal choice that we all make when the time is right.  I wish everyone here good luck as they struggle through this tough decision.  

[jessicapuppy]

I think that the staying skills can be valuable outside of a relationship, if you have a need to get on with your ex.  For example, if you work together, share the same family, or have children together, then you need the communication skills from over on the Staying board, to know how to manage communication to make any conversation as smooth as possible. 
However, if you are out of the relationship, then I strongly believe that No Contact is the way to go.

[seeking balance]

But, the tools we use don't, and can't, change your partner.  There is no technique that can make someone show you kindness, patience, compassion, or love.  There are, however, ways to cope with the lack of these things in a healthier way.  If it doesn't sound like much of a life, well, some days it doesn't feel like much of a life.  Other days are better.   

 

Your post is quite good - and the staying tools are valuable in life, I agree.

You summed up here what came clear for me in MC, I can only work on me, my part.  I could not do the work for or change someone else.  I think this is a subject deeper than BPD; it is the definition of love as a verb - actions even in the absence of feeling it all the time.

Thank you for this thoughtful and honest post.

[lastwave]

 Hi! Sorry in advance this is a re-post (copy/paste) form a post I made yesterday in L6. I think it more accurately belongs here in Staying or Going L2. I am trying to decide what to do in a friendship with a fBPD and here is the current story...all advice and comments are welcome 

>>The latest chaos in my BPD friend's life is that her roommate has asked her to leave and given her 45 days to do so. The, according to my BPDf, the roommate proceeded to condemn her and all of their mutual friends. The result was shame/guilt manifesting as isolation for several days at her mother's house, all the while seeking validation from  her friends, that the roommate was acting out in anger and had violent tendencies.

The middle of this story is that my BPDf needed a place to store her things until she found a suitable place to move. She would stay with her mom AND I, of course, offered to store her things   until she finds a new place. She accepted and will begin moving her stuff into my spare bedroom later this week. I also gave her a key   so that I wouldn't have to be here all the time while she was moving her belongings.

I don't know what the next chapter of this story is...and after talking with a good male friend of mine...think that I have made a big mistake...being friends is difficult enough since we cycle or pull/push already (and I have been painted black twice). Is letting her have free access gonna be a potential problem for me?

[OnceConfused]

Lastwave:

Continued playing with fire will CERTAINLY get you burned. Why try to be compassionate (by letting her store stuffs in your spared bedroom) only to feel fearful and regrets?. About 30 years ago, I picked up this hitch hiker from DC to West Virginia and for several hours I was fearful of a car jack or whatever. From then on, I vowed not to do it again.
Back to your case, BPD will of course get your support by painting the other roommate black. Now she has gotten you on the hook, make sure you have an exit strategy. For example, you make sure that there will be a dead line for the stuff to be moved out, regardless whether she finds an apartment or not. Simply ask her or email her, saying, "You can you use my spare bed room for storage for now, but for my peace of mind, would we be agree on a time line when you will move them out, say by July 1, 2012 which would give you 90 days to find a place. Is that acceptable to you?"

Remember, BPD is very good making you feel guilty and obligated to them. So please protect yourself and guard your inner peace.

[lastwave]

 
Thanks OnceConfused for your advice. I will set time limits appropriately in order to protect myself. I am trying to acquire the tools to "stay" friends and this will be a good lesson for me in setting boundaries...

[gina louise]

My UPBDH showed me an e-mail he had sent to a new co-worker (cute, young, and female) when she asked for workplace endorsements to take to her new job. Sort of like casual references.
He wrote (and showed me!) that he thinks she's cute, he likes her laugh and she is a great person...but that probably wouldn't get her any workplace props! and then went on to say as they have not worked on any projects together he was ill suited to give her a proper endorsement...but he said all the right work place things.

I felt so SAD, as I rarely get any compliments from him at all-though I am a terrific person too!
YET here this virtual stranger gets three rather flirty compliments...and he seems to think that's appropriate to send to HER...AND also show ME!

It's like salt in a wound, really. He has fresh new supplies at work all over the place...and though he's older than most (56...) he tries SO hard to be ingratiating and friendly...UGH what acting. What a mask. I get the real deal-sans mask.

GL

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